Dealing with emotions the Buddhist way.

elon

Occasionally, I get sad and lonely. I practice Pema Chodron's teaching of not letting my mind "run away" with these emotions and allow them gain strength and size. What practice would be helpful to stop me from feeling sorry for myself and manifesting these emotions of sadness and loneliness in the first place? I shall appreciate all guidance offered. Thank you kindly.

lobster

Do you feel sad for others suffering and do you make a connection?

shadowleaver

I find that there is no better remedy for feeling sorry for myself than being helpful and supportive to someone else. Meditation practice is great to soothe the mind and look at these difficult mind states from a distance but to be fully healed, I need to take the extra step of getting out of my shell and extending my heart, hug, smile, work or whatever to someone else.

elon

Lobster, yes I do connect with the suffering of others. But it is the self pity I want to eliminate.
Shadowleaver, thank you for your suggestion and I agree 100%. However, I cannot always immediately connect with someone else when I am feeling sorry for myself.
I was hoping to learn of some individual practice I could employ to eliminate such feelings when they arise.
Thank you both for your assistance. I appreciate it and wish you well.

how

One of the primary forces that keeps "sad & lonely" going is the belief that they need to be remedied
and our habituated intent to control them, is what allows them to control us.

If you can meditatively allow these phenomena to just be what they are,
unmanipulated by an intent to control them, then you offer them little to attach to.

Pain will always remain an inexorable component in life but within a meditative practice, having it develop into suffering is optional.

anataman

shadowleaver said:

I find that there is no better remedy for feeling sorry for myself than being helpful and supportive to someone else. Meditation practice is great to soothe the mind and look at these difficult mind states from a distance but to be fully healed, I need to take the extra step of getting out of my shell and extending my heart, hug, smile, work or whatever to someone else.

Then just try the coat on and see if it fits - if not try another one on, something will make you look good to others!

lobster

elon said:

Lobster, yes I do connect with the suffering of others. But it is the self pity I want to eliminate.

That sounds like a disconnection.
Others suffer, you think of yourself. What I would suggest is turning to connection via others suffering through helping others rather than yourself. So at the least, a bit of puja or practical help.
I hope that does not sound harsh because I feel you know that anyway . . .

:wave:

Hamsaka

Thinking on the suffering of others will help you put your self pity in perspective. Remember that everyone suffers exactly the way you do, over exactly the same things. Your suffering is not 'unique' in any way. It was such a relief when that finally hit home!

Thinking upon the suffering of others IS the exact remedy for ridding yourself of self pity. Think about that for a second. If it sort of turns you off, or seems irrelevant, look into what thoughts are leading you to those conclusions. Self pity is kind of like singling yourself out as having 'special' suffering as compared to others.

When it hits you your suffering is shared by 7 billion other humans and in most ways (if you live in a 'first world country') paltry in comparison to most of them, self pity goes *poof* all by itself. No special exercises, mantras, meditations, mental gyrations or affirmations necessary

Gassho
LG

poptart

It's ok to feel sad and lonely sometimes. As children we are conditioned to hide these feelings by adults constantly telling us to cheer up. But there's no shame in feeling sad. Just let the feeling come and go and don't worry about it.

Actually what we might call "negative" emotions are the most useful. Next time you feel down turn towards the feeling and investigate it. Where does it start? Can you locate its dimensions and boundaries? Relish the sensitivity it gives you.

banned_crab

In your head visualize your sad and lonely self, visualize being with somebody that will make you less lonely. Keep that vision in mind and than you may realize that the person you have added does not change who you are, it will only change what you have. Adding people to your sad life will not change the sadness, it will only make you a sad person who attaches to somebody. You may believe that people "loving" you will change who you are, but this is an illusory sense of self and illusory idea of love. The truth is these people only feel envy towards you, the goal of your ego is to get as many people to feel envious towards you as it possibly can. People feeling envious towards you will not change who you are, it will only change how others perceive you. Visualizing this and the emotions that come with it may help you experience the impermanence of these feelings.

robot

heyimacrab said:

In your head visualize your sad and lonely self, visualize being with somebody that will make you less lonely. Keep that vision in mind and than you may realize that the person you have added does not change who you are, it will only change what you have. Adding people to your sad life will not change the sadness, it will only make you a sad person who attaches to somebody. You may believe that people "loving" you will change who you are, but this is an illusory sense of self and illusory idea of love. The truth is these people only feel envy towards you, the goal of your ego is to get as many people to feel envious towards you as it possibly can. People feeling envious towards you will not change who you are, it will only change how others perceive you. Visualizing this and the emotions that come with it may help you experience the impermanence of these feelings.

Your sense of self arises and changes with conditions. Adding or subtracting love or hate or greed will affect it. Otherwise why the eightfold path?
If you have love from someone, that's what it is. Envy is envy. My kids don't love me because they envy me. I am changed by their love.
Everything is without self. You can't pick and choose what is real and what isn't. Everything is real until it isn't.

DairyLama

elon said:

Occasionally, I get sad and lonely. I practice Pema Chodron's teaching of not letting my mind "run away" with these emotions and allow them gain strength and size. What practice would be helpful to stop me from feeling sorry for myself and manifesting these emotions of sadness and loneliness in the first place? I shall appreciate all guidance offered. Thank you kindly.

Practices like metta bhavana or tonglen might be helpful. Also practice mindfulness to gain a better understanding of how and why moods develop.

Jeffrey

Rest in the loneliness and feel it. Your heart is indestructible. Loneliness is just a passing feeling. Let it go or let it be however works for you in your intuitive heart. The mind cannot solve this, you need the heart. By mind that isn't a definitive concept rather 'mind' and 'heart' are in need of interpretation (or provisional). In my thinking heart is deeper to the core of needs and desire and mind is figuring out things. With feelings often we cannot figure them out, but we can feel the energy in our body and our wish in our hearts to feel more happy. Then there are also wrong views about people and need for comfort that can be overcome by mind. The wrong views can be overturned like a rock is crushed into powder. The heart feelings come apart like ripping apart a lotus. There are fibers of the lotus still remaining tattered and torn. That wounded heart is the beginning of friendliness to self and other. We all have a tenderness that allows us to be generous to self and other.

elon

Thank you all, my generous friends. Your insights and words of wisdom have given me many tools to use in times of sadness and self pity. Hamsaka and heyimacrab, I found your suggestions hit closest to home for me and am especially indebted to you for your help. Again, thank you to each of you. May we all be free from suffering and the root of suffering.

cork

I find Buddhism to be seriously lacking when it comes to dealing with emotions. Hmmmm....too analytical. I'm totally hands-on. I need to FEEL my emotions today or there will be big trouble tomorrow. Sad and lonely? Crank some Johnny Cash tonight, have a good cry and the birds and squirrels will be out for you to watch in the morning.

MaryAnne

@cork
I think that's just how some Buddhists treat emotions (or try to).
Personally, IMO, I believe it's a matter of them just misinterpreting the concepts of detachment/clinging. :::shrugs:::

Not all of us (Buddhists) are the same; some of us don't even worry about things like "ultimate enlightenment" and will it happen in this life time or the next? Who cares!?

The levels of angst I see some folks putting themselves through around Buddhist forums (yes, even here), makes me shake my head in wonder. All this analyzing, all this intellectualizing, all this Suttra thumping! Oy!

I say let's all just Live life / live Dharma.
Be the Change you want to see in the world.

cork

What did I read just two seconds ago..."Would you like to save the world from the degradation and destruction it seems for? Then step away from shallow mass movements and quietly go to work on your own self-awareness.

-- Lao Tzu, my homey and Pan-Ultimate Uberdude

cork

MaryAnne said:

I say let's all just Live life / live Dharma.

Hmmm...that could be on the opposite side of the "Reality Junkie" shirt I might plan to make someday.

MaryAnne

cork said:

MaryAnne said:

I say let's all just Live life / live Dharma.

Hmmm...that could be on the opposite side of the "Reality Junkie" shirt I might plan to make someday.

Oh I don't know.... to me living life with Dharma IS my reality.
So make me a shirt too! (I'd like Red, please, with gold lettering)

cvalue

@elon said: "Occasionally, I get sad and lonely."
Hopefully these emotions stay occasionally because if you feel them too often, they will become your friends and you won't like parting with them.

cork

Oh I don't know.... to me living life with Dharma IS my reality.
So make me a shirt too! (I'd like Red, please, with gold lettering)


Okay another one. "I heart sutras." Naaaaw. Tacky. How 'bout "Just this." It's all we have. It's all we had. It's all we'll ever have.

Princely

A "quick tip" that works for me sometimes when meditating I start by bringing myself to the moment and reminding myself that i am in a safe environment I imagine a bubble of energy around me

I allow myself to "let what ever feelings wash over me like a wave, each wave I simply feel the feelings come and go then you can let the waves get further apart or consentrate on where the feelings are radiating from.

Its just a way of exploring my emotions and reminding myself that the emotions are created by my mind and view and I can control them given practice.

hope that can help a little.

Wisdom23

I don't think we can escape negative emotions (pooper) as without bad emotions we can't have good ones. That being said we do counter them and they are not nice and i can sympathise. My rather pragmatic approach to dealing with such emotions is to sit down with a huge cup of tea, a couple of choccy biscuits, snuggle up with the hound and watch some good olde TV lol. Not very Buddhist on the grand scale of things but it works lol,

All the best.

DairyLama

Wisdom23 said:

My rather pragmatic approach to dealing with such emotions is to sit down with a huge cup of tea, a couple of choccy biscuits, snuggle up with the hound and watch some good olde TV lol.

TVBSR!* Sounds good!

( *TV-based stress reduction )

seeker242

elon said:

What practice would be helpful to stop me from feeling sorry for myself and manifesting these emotions of sadness and loneliness in the first place? I shall appreciate all guidance offered. Thank you kindly.

This is a good article on it. Instructions for Entering Jhana ...Leigh Brasington

"Happiness, monks, also has a supporting condition, I say, it does not lack a supporting condition. And what is the supporting condition for happiness? 'Tranquillity' should be the reply.

Daiva

I have read that our bodies only take 90 seconds to physically process emotions. It is our mind which attaches to the emotion and extends its life. All we have to do is just patiently allow the emotion pass thru our body. I know, easier than done. This "attachment" is the "story" we tell ourselves over and over. What helps is to stop attaching to the story.
In Vipassana concentration mediation, one focuses on something else, an object in the room, or a sensation in the body or paying attention to your breath, when one feels themselves get sucked into the "story," and simply take on an "observer" role - watch the emotion come and go, but from a distance. It takes practice, but it is what works for me.

Hamsaka

Wisdom23 said:

My rather pragmatic approach to dealing with such emotions is to sit down with a huge cup of tea, a couple of choccy biscuits, snuggle up with the hound and watch some good olde TV lol. Not very Buddhist on the grand scale of things but it works lol,

All the best.

This can be regarded as skillful; emotions rise and cease. A little dopamine from the cup of tea, some endorphins from the choccy biscuit and oxytocin from snuggling with the nice warm doggy is a great way to rebalance the necessary brain chemicals. I can't figure out which neurochemical the TV might help rebalance, except that it something harmlessly distracting to do while awaiting rebalance

Gassho

Tosh

elon said:

What practice would be helpful to stop me from feeling sorry for myself and manifesting these emotions of sadness and loneliness in the first place?

I'd bet you that if you practised some hands-on compassion, you will not feel sorry for yourself or feel lonely. Sad sometimes, yes, but life will take on a new meaning.

Works for me.

AllbuddhaBound

Hello @elon. If a person can foster feelings of acceptance, they (the person) can become extremely resilient. The feelings you describe would suggest you are resisting. You want to "get rid of" feelings. The approach I use is to embrace the feelings, welcome them, recognize that they are a necessary part of you and love that you have them. Killing your feelings is being cruel to yourself. Have compassion for them, even the feelings you resist, and I think you will be surprised at the outcome.