Overcoming Fears

Cujo

What tips can you guys offer for overcoming fears?

I often have a fear of going to places alone, where there are lots of people. After graduating college, practically all of my friends moved away, so it feels awkward to have to do stuff alone. I'm trying to understand this so I can meditate on it and work toward overcoming it.

vinlyn

To just do it. And after you have a few times, it becomes no big deal.

genkaku

Try to balance your fear a bit with the knowledge that there is frequently a built-in willingness to assist a newcomer or outsider. There will always be a few hostile folks, but the majority have some willingness to lend a hand.

This is one of the fun aspects, for example, of being in a foreign country where you don't speak the language: Anyone, even a child, is your superior and feeling superior can inspire a willingness to be kind to the dummy. I've met a lot of nice people that way.

Steve_B

Try visualizing the step beyond the fearful step. For example, try visualizing the end of a friendly social evening with new friends. That makes the step of walking in the door not your whole focus, because now you're focusing on a bigger picture and the first step is a smaller part now.

lobster

so it feels awkward to have to do stuff alone

Find activities that people who are alone do together.

wangchuey

The perception of loneliness is quite common. It can be somewhat meaningful as we get older and learn to embrace it. Good and bad things happen when we're alone, not just bad. Some of our best ideas and realizations probably occur more often when we're alone.

fivebells

I've had this problem. Metta and jhana practice are very helpful. They're complementary. (You need both.) Insight practice for dismantling the attachment underlying the fear is also very helpful. However, I wouldn't focus too much on trying to understand the fear. Developing the skills of metta and jhana in a context where you're not experiencing the fear at all is likely to be much more helpful.

Jeffrey

The purpose of the brahmaviras (kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity) in one teaching by Peme Chodron is to prevent or make better our fears.

AllbuddhaBound

These fears can even morph into panic. I knew a lady who experienced this panic, and she began to groom her dog every time it started to occur. She let the fear come and go and just focused on her pet, whom she loved dearly. This was succesful. She had to let go of her struggle with panic in order to succeed.

seeker242

Metta destroys social anxiety. People generally don't have social anxiety around their friends. If you make all the strangers your friends, then where can the anxiety or fear come from?

Among tigers, lions, leopards & bears I lived in the jungle.
No one was frightened of me, nor did I fear anyone.
Uplifted by such universal friendliness, I enjoyed the forest.
Finding great solace in such sweetly silenced solitude…

You could replace lions with people and forest with busy sidewalk cafe and "No one was frightened of me, nor did I fear anyone." would still be true. Just as long as you are "uplifted by such universal friendliness".

lobster

AllbuddhaBound said:

and she began to groom her dog every time it started to occur.

It could be a plan. Are you in a position to rent a dog, borrow a dog? Maybe you can even buy a dog . . . ?
http://twolittlecavaliers.com/2013/04/would-you-loan-out-your-dogs.html

Tosh

Cujo said:

I often have a fear of going to places alone, where there are lots of people. After graduating college, practically all of my friends moved away, so it feels awkward to have to do stuff alone. I'm trying to understand this so I can meditate on it and work toward overcoming it.

I could be way off the mark here, but is it because other people can see you, that that makes you feel uncomfortable to be in places where there are lots of people?

Like they're looking at you?

It's very common for alcoholics to feel this way (I'm in no way saying you're an alkie). Just recently I spoke to a drunk who told me that to get to the shop where he buys his booze from, he takes a really roundabout route to get there so he doesn't have to walk up a busy street.

I understand at a heart level why he does this; we alkies - especially when in the depths of our drinking - have a huge feeling of 'self'. I struggle to explain what this really means, but in practise it means we're uncomfortable around people. It's not uncommon for alkies to wear baseball caps or sunglasses to hide their eyes, as if they can hide themselves.

I can't give a simple solution to it either, other than to decrease our sense of self, which is one of those 'simple not easy' things.

I could be way off the mark though; just ignore me if I am.

BhikkhuJayasara

fear of being around people? go sleep in a tent in the woods, then sleep outside without a tent.. that helps with fear(and you'll love people after that! lol), at least thats what I did LOL. I did it gradually over the course of a year or two. The first fears to go were the hardest, my fear of aliens(the greatest fear of my life, but thats another long story lol) and the other silly fears you get in the woods, like bigfoot or monsters etc. Then the fear left were of bears, mountain lions etc.

two retreats ago at Bhavana was a metta retreat. Bhavana is a forest monastery on the side of a mountain in west Virgina. It is very dark at night and most people are attached to their flashlights. I love walking back to my Kuti WITHOUT it however. People don't realize how your eyes adjust and you start to see , you become "one" with the night, like Batman ;P.

so during this Metta retreat I had found out you could climb up higher into the mountain, deeper into the woods outside of the main area where people usually stay. I climbed up there during the day while on personal time and found a neat little spot where someone had started what looked like a little camp sight many years ago. I "fixed" it up and sat up there, meditating and enjoying the sunset.

Well using metta to stop fear was nothing new to me at this point, but I wanted to really test my metta, so that night after final meditation was done and everyone was heading to bed I went up into the mountain. It was a cold windy almost full moon night and the higher I went up into the woods the more freaked out I became.

I spread out my metta to all beings in the forest, seen and unseen, and made it up to my "camp site". Well I kept getting that " i'm being watched" feeling, and I stayed only about a minute before going back down, freaked out, practicing metta the whole time. The forest felt kind of "dark" and "scary" that night.

I was determined though and the next night I went up again. Maybe my metta was stronger, maybe it wasnt as "dark" and "scary" that night(the demons and evil spirits went to bed early that night? lol).. but my metta prevailed, and I got to the camp spot, sat down, alone at night in the dark on a mountain in the woods. I meditated and gave my metta out to all beings... and it worked. I went back down after some time and went to sleep in peace.

during a question and answer period I wrote a question for Bhante Seelananda to answer. My question was that during my walking in the woods when i felt like something was behind me, got that really hair on the neck standing up feeling, I didn't look back, but gave metta to all beings behind me. Bhante S read the question and looked up and said " yes this is how you do it, to all the devas and yakkhas and all beings , seen or unseen" .

metta utterly destroys fear, if you allow it to do so and you practice it. It may or may not keep wild animals(or people heh) at bay from killing you, but it at least gives your mind some equanimity so if a situation arises you are not carried away. So when you are in a social situation, give metta to everyone there, it will help you realize that everyone else there is most likely also filled with social anxiety of one level or another, we always have this feeling that everyone else has it "together" so much more then us.. and what a delusion that is LOL.

lobster

metta utterly destroys fear

So true.
Reminds me of meditating in the woods. Travelling without light at night with only starlight, sometimes not even that etc.

Oh the mind, how it tricks us . . .

@Cujo you do not yet have a regular practice, so metta bhavna or similar would not be possible?

how

When I was five I had a closet hanging full of old clothes that I feared for whatever boogey men might be hiding in there. It occupied my time, disturbed my sleep and made any travels past it a frightening journey.

Eventually, after months of self torment, I finally decided to confront this fearful closet. I closed my eyes and with my hands by my sides, walked into those hanging clothes in abject surrender.

Of course nothing happened except gaining an early lesson that with a deep enough surrender of what you treasure (self protection), fear has little hold over you.

Meditation is a process of surrendering up all of our tendencies to try to control whatever phenomena is arising and passing around us. That practice is the manifestation of acceptance for what ever is.

If you don't have a meditation practice to help you address being alone,
then just throwing yourself into it instead of endlessly mentally masticating about it,
would be my (& others) advise.

BhikkhuJayasara

oh also since i'm a "sutta thumper" around here, the buddha himself talked about fear and freedom from it.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.004.than.html

Bhaya-bherava Sutta: Fear & Terror

"But, Master Gotama, it's not easy to endure isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. It's not easy to maintain seclusion, not easy to enjoy being alone. The forests, as it were, plunder the mind of a monk who has not attained concentration."

"Yes, brahman, so it is. It's not easy to endure isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. It's not easy to maintain seclusion, not easy to enjoy being alone. The forests, as it were, plunder the mind of a monk who has not attained concentration. Before my Awakening, when I was still an unawakened Bodhisatta, the thought occurred to me as well: 'It's not easy to endure isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. It's not easy to maintain seclusion, not easy to enjoy being alone. The forests, as it were, plunder the mind of a monk who has not attained concentration.'

"The thought occurred to me: 'When brahmans or contemplatives who are unpurified in their bodily activities resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings, it's the fault of their unpurified bodily activities that they give rise to unskillful fear & terror. But it's not the case that I am unpurified in my bodily activities when I resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. I am purified in my bodily activities. I am one of those noble ones who are purified in their bodily activities when they resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings.' Seeing in myself this purity of bodily activities, I felt even more undaunted about staying in the wilderness.


and Thanissaro Bhikkhu " freedom from fear"
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/fear.html



also I'll show you what no fear looks like. This video is of me walking across a small tree about 6 feet up from a rocky river bed in Vermont. This video shows me going back and forth along it three times.. what it DOESNT show is the part after where I fell off and smacked my shoulder and head right on a large boulder, I was lucky I didn't get a concussion or any major damage.. but the thing that hurt the most and caused the most damage was fear.



after a few minutes when i regained my composure I actually went right back on that log.. but fear was there now, it made me doubt myself, it made me unsteady.. I went a little bit then came back. Even to this day when I go on that log the memory of my fall comes back to me and fear is there, it takes a lot more concentration to block that fear when I attempt that tree, and last time I visited that place I didn't even bother.

Hamsaka

@Jayantha quoted:

"The thought occurred to me: 'When brahmans or contemplatives who are unpurified in their bodily activities resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings, it's the fault of their unpurified bodily activities that they give rise to unskillful fear & terror. But it's not the case that I am unpurified in my bodily activities when I resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. I am purified in my bodily activities. I am one of those noble ones who are purified in their bodily activities when they resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings.' Seeing in myself this purity of bodily activities, I felt even more undaunted about staying in the wilderness.

Re: the bolded sentence. What does that mean, the 'unpurified bodily activities"? As our resident sutta thumper , there must be a specific description given by the Buddha for purification

Gassho

Glow

Don't waste your time trying to overcome fear.

As someone who suffered from a panic disorder for a little over a decade, I can tell you that you will simply end up making an enemy of your own mind-body complex. Saying you wish to overcome fear is akin to saying you want to overcome your own legs or your sense of sight or sound. Fear is simply a natural, evolutionary mechanism meant to protect us from harm's way. Sometimes, it can be our best friend. Although, for many years, I hated having social anxiety, I can remember countless occasions when my social reserve has served me well -- it has prevented me from saying some terrible things to people, or making a fool of myself when keeping my mouth shut was a better option. It can also be like an overzealous security guard. You hired this man to keep you safe, but he's also preventing you from being engaged with life to the extent that you want.

The trick is simply to accept that it will arise (sometimes at seemingly inappropriate times), come to understand the fear's function, thank it for doing its job, and then decide what actions will best serve you in the long run. (And forgive yourself if you're too afraid to take those actions. There's no use in adding another layer of negative emotions onto the already existing fear... such as anger or shame about your fear.)

When you see clearly what the fear is trying to protect you from, it becomes easier to decide whether it is a reasonable fear or an unreasonable one. Sometimes, simply becoming aware that your fear is irrational is enough to quell your anxiety; sometimes it isn't, but it certainly makes it more manageable. In those latter cases, there is often no way out, but through; you often have to simply bite the bullet and go through with what you know you have to do.

And sometimes fear is very rational. If you're in the middle of the woods, and you have little experience in or knowledge of navigating the wilderness, you have very good reason to be afraid. In self-defense classes, they often tell you "fear is your best friend" -- that it will protect you better than any weapon or bag of tricks. It will tell you where you ought to go and where you should probably stay away from. It will often show you your own blind spots, the limits of your abilities or knowledge. Of course, you have to use your own rational mind to analyze whether you do have some deficit of skills that make meeting the requirements of the situation a no-go, or whether your inner security guard is being over-reactive again, but it's not a bad idea to humble yourself and listen to what your fear has to tell you. In the language of evolutionary biology, it's an adaptive mechanism, not a maladaptive one.

So, befriend fear. Take a very unsentimental look at fear. This is basically mindfulness and metta, but in much less lofty language.

lobster

So, befriend fear.

How about getting an invisible dog called 'Fear'.
"Here boy, Fear, come here! Good boy."

We all have them, perhaps we fear calling and petting our invisible best friend in public . . .


. . . anyway . . .

BhikkhuJayasara

Hamsaka said:

@Jayantha quoted:

"The thought occurred to me: 'When brahmans or contemplatives who are unpurified in their bodily activities resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings, it's the fault of their unpurified bodily activities that they give rise to unskillful fear & terror. But it's not the case that I am unpurified in my bodily activities when I resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings. I am purified in my bodily activities. I am one of those noble ones who are purified in their bodily activities when they resort to isolated forest or wilderness dwellings.' Seeing in myself this purity of bodily activities, I felt even more undaunted about staying in the wilderness.

Re: the bolded sentence. What does that mean, the 'unpurified bodily activities"? As our resident sutta thumper , there must be a specific description given by the Buddha for purification

Gassho

This is all I could find

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/mahasi/progress.html

I. Purification of Conduct

Purification of conduct means here, in the case of male and female devotees (upasakas and upasikas), the acceptance of the precepts, and the proper guarding and protecting of their observance — whether it be the Five Precepts, the Eight Uposatha Precepts, or the Ten Precepts.[8]

In the case of bhikkhus, purification of conduct is the well-kept purity of the fourfold conduct incumbent upon monks, beginning with restraint according to the disciplinary rules of bhikkhus, called the Patimokkha. Of that fourfold conduct, the restraint according to the Patimokkha rules is of first importance, because only when that restraint is pure will one be able to accomplish the development of meditation.[9]



In terms of why the Buddha is no longer afraid I think it's basically because dhamma protects, and he is now "awake", he has no fear because no matter what happens, even a most horrible death being eaten by wolves in the woods, all compound things are impermanent and subject to decay.

Glow

lobster said:

So, befriend fear.

How about getting an invisible dog called 'Fear'.
"Here boy, Fear, come here! Good boy."

We all have them, perhaps we fear calling and petting our invisible best friend in public . . .

When I was a kid, I had a pitbull I named "Terror." I liked to pretend he was this fierce protector, but really he was an overgrown puppy. :P

lobster

When I was a kid, I had a pitbull I named "Terror." I liked to pretend he was this fierce protector, but really he was an overgrown puppy.

:clap:

Exactly so.
I used to have an imaginary dharma teacher (based on a real person) who in reality was an overgrown kid.

I liked the sound of your 'Terror'.