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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
@federica said:
Actually, it's Ochre and Maroon.....
Why do you want to ruin my fabulous joke! Lol! I have seen what I would only call red and yellow though. Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche wears them.
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Off-topic comments removed.
One: This is a general 'sense of humour' thread.
2: Comments of a personal nature, taking a thread off topic, are both unnecessary and irrelevant.
3: If you have a gripe, either keep it to PM's or open a thread, if it's that important, and it will then become a general free-for-all which I will probably have to close if it becomes too inflammatory anyway.
I love Richard Gervaise too! As you would say. Bloody marvellous!
2
Toraldris -`-,-{@ Zen Nud... Buddhist @}-,-`- East Coast, USAVeteran
The third-grade teacher returned to her classroom after a few minutes and found her pupils behaving perfectly. Everybody was absolutely quiet. She was stunned. "This is wonderful, class. But, what's up? Why are you so well behaved this time?" From the back, Little Johnny spoke up. "Remember last time when you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead!"
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Piss off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then"
Just reading the Cockney thread and it reminded me of this one.
An American tourist was on an organised pub crawl in London and got separated from the group, he was full of the local ale, busting for a slash and couldn't find a public toilet so snuck around a corner and was ready to relieve himself when a Bobby walked up behind him and asked him what he was doing. Embarrassed and frustrated he explained his dilemma and the Policeman told him he couldn't relieve himself there but at the end if the street he pointed out a high fence around a palatial residence and told him he could do it there. After his ablution be thanked the Policeman and enquired "Is this what you call British hospitality?"
"No" said the Bobby "This is what we call the French Embassy"
I remember that when we were in London a few years ago. My partner thought her laptop her laptop had frozen and I had to muffle a giggle and explain it to her.
Please Enter Your Password...
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA--IfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.
8
Toraldris -`-,-{@ Zen Nud... Buddhist @}-,-`- East Coast, USAVeteran
Rodney Dangerfield Got No Respect: We were so poor... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was making love to this girl when she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "Morning? Hell, I hate myself now!"
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and told my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through."
Once when I was lost, I asked a cop to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid; there are so many places they can hide!"
I ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home!
I went to the E. R. because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. The doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Last night, my wife met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee. Problem was, she was coming home!
I'm so ugly, my father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.
My wife is on that new coconut and banana diet. She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb a tree!
The other day I came home and passed a guy jogging naked. I asked, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
@Aldris Torvalds. Thanks for the Rodney Dangerfield. He really touches on a reality that many of us experience. In a very funny way.
1
zombiegirlbeating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wastelandVeteran
edited July 2014
So, two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
.
..
...
...ba'doom-tssh.
1
DavidA human residing in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Ancestral territory of the Erie, Haudenosaunee, Huron-Wendat, Mississauga and Neutral First NationsVeteran
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
2
Toraldris -`-,-{@ Zen Nud... Buddhist @}-,-`- East Coast, USAVeteran
@ourself said:
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Wheat's that even supposed to mean?
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the England football team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
Metta Shoshin
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Copycat. I posted that in the World Cup 2014 thread.... .
Comments
Things you don't hear straight men say; Part 1.
" Here.... you take the remote control ."
" Oh forget the World Cup..lets watch that costume drama. "
" She's a lovely looking girl, but she doesn't do it for me..her breasts are too big ."
" I don't want sex, I just want you hold me ".
" I'm going to the kitchen, do you want anything ? "
" When you get back from your folks I want to hear all their latest news "
" I have nothing to do, shall we go to the wallpaper shop ? "
" Wow, Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck in the same movie !..Where's it on ? "
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Things You Don't Hear Straight Men Say PT2.
My wife is a much better driver than me.
I would be very interested to get the female opinion on the best route to X..
Women's football on TV ? I never miss a game.
I think football referees do a pretty good job on the whole.
Please help me get in touch with my feelings...
I can't wait for the next Richard Curtis movie.
Coldplay ? Brilliant !
James Blunt ? Wow !
Mumford and Sons ? Where ? When ?..
What's red and yellow, yellow and red, red and yellow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two Buddhist monks wrestling over the meaning of enlightenment.
OK I just made that one up.. .
Actually, it's Ochre and Maroon.....
Why do you want to ruin my fabulous joke! Lol! I have seen what I would only call red and yellow though. Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche wears them.
Off-topic comments removed.
One: This is a general 'sense of humour' thread.
2: Comments of a personal nature, taking a thread off topic, are both unnecessary and irrelevant.
3: If you have a gripe, either keep it to PM's or open a thread, if it's that important, and it will then become a general free-for-all which I will probably have to close if it becomes too inflammatory anyway.
Thanks.
@Citta I love James Blunt. You got Something to say to me FOO'?
Each to his own @Victorious, each to his own. lol.
How To Be British.
Nearly wash the skin off your hands so not to put pressure the on the person using the hand drier.
Start a sentence with " with all due respect "...translation...you are an idiot.
Apologise to the person who treads on your toe.
Punish a person who fails to thank you by saying " you're welcome " very quietly.
If you don't hear what someone has said to you after three attempts, laugh and hope for the best.
Suddenly become self conscious about walking, and lose all coordination.
Express extreme anger by narrowing your eyes slightly.
A few 'Epitome of being British' photos.... and not being British...
I love Richard Gervaise too! As you would say. Bloody marvellous!
The third-grade teacher returned to her classroom after a few minutes and found her pupils behaving perfectly. Everybody was absolutely quiet. She was stunned. "This is wonderful, class. But, what's up? Why are you so well behaved this time?" From the back, Little Johnny spoke up. "Remember last time when you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead!"
http://www.allowe.com/humor/cj-main/cyberjoke-signup.html
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
"If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go?"
The woman was angry and said,
"No! Piss off you filthy old bastard."
The tramp turned to leave and said,
"No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then"
Sorry, that was tasteless and inappropriate, please trash it Mod.
I actually thought it was quite funny.....
I inadvertantly omitted the title. "Suicide Councilling"
I'm betting it worked
Just reading the Cockney thread and it reminded me of this one.
An American tourist was on an organised pub crawl in London and got separated from the group, he was full of the local ale, busting for a slash and couldn't find a public toilet so snuck around a corner and was ready to relieve himself when a Bobby walked up behind him and asked him what he was doing. Embarrassed and frustrated he explained his dilemma and the Policeman told him he couldn't relieve himself there but at the end if the street he pointed out a high fence around a palatial residence and told him he could do it there. After his ablution be thanked the Policeman and enquired "Is this what you call British hospitality?"
"No" said the Bobby "This is what we call the French Embassy"
for an outsider... It would have been funnier if you would have said the US Embassy.
Passed along in email:
There are 10 types of people. Those who understand binary and those who have regular sex.
Footballer Peter Crouch was asked what he would be if he was not a Premier League player.
He replied ' A virgin '.
That's very honest of him...
I think the same could be said for Bernie Ecclestone, Salman Rushdie and Hugh Heffner....
Actually, this is no joke.
I remember that when we were in London a few years ago. My partner thought her laptop her laptop had frozen and I had to muffle a giggle and explain it to her.
PASSED ALONG IN EMAIL....
Please Enter Your Password...
Please enter your new password:
"cabbage"
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
"boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
"1 boiled cabbage"
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
"50bloodyboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss, IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
“ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA--IfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow”
Sorry, that password is already in use.
Rodney Dangerfield Got No Respect: We were so poor... if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
My parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was making love to this girl when she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "Morning? Hell, I hate myself now!"
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and told my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could, but he pulled through."
Once when I was lost, I asked a cop to help me find my parents. I asked him, "Do you think we'll find them?" He said, "I don't know, kid; there are so many places they can hide!"
I ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. There was nobody home!
I went to the E. R. because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. The doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Last night, my wife met me at the front door wearing a sexy negligee. Problem was, she was coming home!
I'm so ugly, my father carried around a picture of a kid that came with his wallet.
My wife is on that new coconut and banana diet. She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb a tree!
The other day I came home and passed a guy jogging naked. I asked, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."
I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
Church of the flying Spaghetti monster. I just found out.
http://www.venganza.org/about/
I am sorry. I can't help it. Don't intend to make fun of anyone. Just sharing.
@Aldris Torvalds. Thanks for the Rodney Dangerfield. He really touches on a reality that many of us experience. In a very funny way.
So, two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
.
..
...
...ba'doom-tssh.
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Wheat's that even supposed to mean?
soya think that's funny?
I barley got it. A maizing.
Let's not go through this agrain....
Will you turn into a cereal killer ?
Kia Ora,
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the England football team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
Metta Shoshin
Copycat. I posted that in the World Cup 2014 thread....
.
Kia Ora @federice,
Sorry, my apologies, I didn't see that....I got this off of a friend's facebook page the other day...
Metta Shoshin
that's ok.... the amount of subjects and topics which undergo repetition on this forum, it's no surprise it's duplicated!
Guy calls the Samaritans
Girl answers
G Samiratans can i help you?
Guy I Think I have taken and overdose!
G OK what type of pills.. was it codeine?
Guy No!
G was it paracetamol?
Guy No!
G was in sleepin tablets?
Guy No?
G geting frustated girl asks what kind of tablet it was
Viagra he says....what do you want me to about it
she asks..
Guy Well he says what are you wearing?
slainte