Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
A few Jokes to make you chuckle - keep 'em clean...
You might like this one - courtesy of my cousin Gus -
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
> other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
> transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
> both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in
> the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
> "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
> closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
> that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Now, get your own f-ing blanket."
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted
>
How many meditation teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty. One to actually do the work, and forty-nine to offer reflections on it.
How many joss-stick Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Why bother? Kwan Yin will do it for us.
How many monks does it take to change a light bulb?
They can’t. There’s no light bulbs in the Vinaya.
How many vipassana meditators does it take to change a light bulb?
No need. Just mindfully note: ‘darkness, darkness, darkness’.
How many tantric adepts does it take to change a light bulb?
Two; but they have to do it in full lotus posture.
How many Nagarjunas does it take to change a light bulb?
Since there’s no Nagarjuna and no light bulb, how can there be any change?
How many Buddhist scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
An internationally respected committee of academics, after deliberating all night, conclusively failed to agree on the meaning of the word ‘light bulb’. Meanwhile, the sun came up.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
The peach blossoms fall softly on the warty old frog.
How many Ajahn Brahms does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb just has to get into jhana, then it’ll glow by itself.
How many Abhidhamma scholars does it take to change a light bulb?
There are 20W light bulbs, 40W light bulbs, 80W light bulbs, 100W …200W…
There are 6V light bulbs, 12V light bulbs, 120V light bulbs, 240V light bulbs…
There are incandescent bulbs, fluorescent bulbs…
There are clear light bulbs, pearled light bulbs, colored light bulbs…
There are screw-in light bulbs, bayonet light bulbs…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V, there are 20W light bulbs that are 12V…120V…240V…
There are 40W light bulbs that are 6V…240V…
80W…100W…200W…
There are 20W light bulbs that are 6V incandescent…
There are 200W light bulbs that are 240V, florescent, colored, and bayonet.
How many arahants does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
By Bhante Sujata
Copyright 2006 May be distributed for free only, not for sale in any way.
Jason
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Just have to share this one. The Old Feller was in the Royal Navy for many years, mostly on submarines and he told me this story yesterday.
In the early hours of the morning a new and somewhat pompous officer of the watch turned to the seaman stokers sat watching their dials and asked what the time was.
A stoker seaman looked at his watch and said "3.45 Sir" Lieutenant Pompous rounded on him and snarled "Would you kindly respond in a more nautical manor!"
Without a moment's hesitation, the old hand replied "Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, and it's still quarter to effing three......... Sir"
In a bid to thwart the worldwide menace of Bird Flu, George W. Bush has just announced that he will nuke the Canary Islands. More news when we get it...
This equation should be taught in all math classes!
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
-bf
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited March 2006
I think Einstein's Relaty of Theorativity says the same thing -
brill!!
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited April 2006
I received these really handy hints from a friend of mine, and I thought them sooooo useful, I just had to pass them on....!!
HOME REMEDIES
1) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto,
the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3) Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4) For high blood pressure sufferers:
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
wiill be afraid to cough.
7) Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
8) If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
9) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
10) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
11) Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
12) AND FINALLY : Be really nice to your family and friends, you never
know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited April 2006
Something tells me this ain't gonna work....
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited April 2006
Italian Mamma... I should-a know!
Mrs. Sartorini comes to visit her son Luigi for dinner. Luigi lives with a female roommate, Anna-Maria.
During the course of the meal, Mamma can't help but notice how pretty Luigi's roommate is. She has long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this has made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starts to wonder if there's more between Luigi and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mamma's thoughts, Luigi volunteers,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mamma, Anna-Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Anna-Maria comes to Luigi saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it," Luigi shrugs, "but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."
So he sends his Mamma an email:
"Cara Mamma,
Our sugar bowl is missing. It was a gift from Anna-maria's mother, and we're very fond of it. The thing is, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. So how about it?
Love, Luigi"
Several days later, Luigi receives an email response from his Mamma.
"Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Anna-Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed............
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2006
Someone was asking about Buddhist jokes....
Whilst these do not fall exactly into that category, perhaps something within these "pages" might amuse.....
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2006
George Carlin's the guy who shredded Bush, right?
He's my kinda guy....
These are hilarious....
Especially the flavoured water one...
Here's what a grumpy old guy on TV said about bottled Spring water, and the exorbitant price we pay for a bottle...
"....It bears a label saying 'Glochamarnay Highland Spring', or something crappy like that - a place you've never heard of - and it goes on to tell you that this water is pure and filtered through the sediment and rock layers of the hills, and that each drop is pure and clear, and has been flowing for millions of years....
.... and then you read the smaller print, and it says: 'consume by 12.31.2006 - !!"
A certain ginormous soft drinks corporation exploited (or tried to) the bottled water market in the UK a couple of years ago by selling bottled TAP water from Sidcup!
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
This is my favourite. I'm still trying to figure out how he knows my friend Stacey.
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2006
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2006
...and the pence will look after themselves"....Goes an English saying....
But who is looking after the dollars....?
"Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
10 (Politically incorrect!) Thoughts for this week.
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THIS WEEK IS:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.
Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers..
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited September 2006
HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,
a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition.
Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house so ya'll better wait outside."
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Omigod! I'm laughing so hard my tea almost came out my nose!! That's the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. I love it when people use "Dear Diary" to express humour. I always find it so funny. Thanks, Yogamama! I really needed that laugh this morning. I'm having to wipe away tears from laughing so hard...
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited October 2006
I heard a funny last night...
"I'm worried about my Grandmother.... She lives on her own....
........what my children call "doing an ECM" (Early Christian Martyr) and we, at Oxford, used to call the "Pusey Game": get 'merit' from taking the smallest piece of cake or the hardest chair. BTW, we developed the "Reverse Pusey Game" which consisted of getting more merit by taking the most comfortable chair and the largest piece of cake, thereby permitting someone else to gain the merit of a hard chair and less cake.
Comments
> A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
> other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
> transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
> both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in
> the lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
> "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
> closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
> that we're married."
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>
> "Good," she replied. "Now, get your own f-ing blanket."
>
> After a moment of silence, he farted
>
Vrrrrooooooommmm! F.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=irule
Make sure you don't miss "page 2"...
-bf
I'm saying no more.
http://meeciteewurkor.com/wp-images/Things_You_Should_Know_1.pdf
They get funnier as you go down the list.
Jason
LMAO!
In the early hours of the morning a new and somewhat pompous officer of the watch turned to the seaman stokers sat watching their dials and asked what the time was.
A stoker seaman looked at his watch and said "3.45 Sir" Lieutenant Pompous rounded on him and snarled "Would you kindly respond in a more nautical manor!"
Without a moment's hesitation, the old hand replied "Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum, and it's still quarter to effing three......... Sir"
This news just in...
In a bid to thwart the worldwide menace of Bird Flu, George W. Bush has just announced that he will nuke the Canary Islands. More news when we get it...
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
-bf
brill!!
HOME REMEDIES
1) If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto,
the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3) Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4) For high blood pressure sufferers:
Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5) A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.
6) If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
wiill be afraid to cough.
7) Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
8) If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
9) Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
10) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
11) Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
12) AND FINALLY : Be really nice to your family and friends, you never
know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
Love, love, love this one, Fede!! It's hilarious and beautiful!!!
And this one I often use to remind my father whenever he gets a little out of hand:
LOL!! I loved these, Fede.
Thanks!
Brigid
The peach blossoms fall softly on the warty old frog.
Hooray! finally something that makes sense to me.
Xrayman
Mrs. Sartorini comes to visit her son Luigi for dinner. Luigi lives with a female roommate, Anna-Maria.
During the course of the meal, Mamma can't help but notice how pretty Luigi's roommate is. She has long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this has made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starts to wonder if there's more between Luigi and his roommate than meets the eye.
Reading his Mamma's thoughts, Luigi volunteers,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mamma, Anna-Maria and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Anna-Maria comes to Luigi saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I''ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don''t suppose she took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it," Luigi shrugs, "but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure."
So he sends his Mamma an email:
"Cara Mamma,
Our sugar bowl is missing. It was a gift from Anna-maria's mother, and we're very fond of it. The thing is, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn''t take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. So how about it?
Love, Luigi"
Several days later, Luigi receives an email response from his Mamma.
"Figlio mio,
I'm not saying that you ''do'' sleep with Anna-Maria, and I''m not saying that you ''do not'' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed............
......she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mamma"
Whilst these do not fall exactly into that category, perhaps something within these "pages" might amuse.....
http://www.serve.com/cmtan/buddhism/Lighter/index.html
http://www.worldtrans.org/CyberSangha/raysp962.htm
2-26-06
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
He's my kinda guy....
These are hilarious....
Especially the flavoured water one...
Here's what a grumpy old guy on TV said about bottled Spring water, and the exorbitant price we pay for a bottle...
"....It bears a label saying 'Glochamarnay Highland Spring', or something crappy like that - a place you've never heard of - and it goes on to tell you that this water is pure and filtered through the sediment and rock layers of the hills, and that each drop is pure and clear, and has been flowing for millions of years....
.... and then you read the smaller print, and it says: 'consume by 12.31.2006 - !!"
I like the "I'm not a cashier" one the best. And the drive-thru one. Too funny.
Soft drink is purified tap water
Don't think it lasted! :doh:
This is my favourite. I'm still trying to figure out how he knows my friend Stacey.
But who is looking after the dollars....?
"Zero Gravity
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Your taxes are due again - - enjoy paying them. "
10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich.
7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
6 - Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
5 - Health freaks are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you 50 quid and a substantial tax cut saves you 50p?
2 - In the 60s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THIS WEEK IS:
We know exactly where any untaxed car is located among the millions of cars in Britain. But we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the DVLA in charge of immigration.
And where have you been, Kow?
In the garden.
The notification of your post just came today.
Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients
to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says,
"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds,
"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says,
"No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
"You know, I like construction workers..
those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine,
and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,
a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
"Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim,
I went to the gun shop for more ammunition.
Back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning
and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it
but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house so ya'll better wait outside."
I love Yoga's, too! Head and ass are interchangeable! LOL!!
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my sixtieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 40 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.
"I'm worried about my Grandmother.... She lives on her own....
If she falls over, and there's nobody there.....
....Does she make a sound?"
It made me giggle....
....Blue!"
fede, that joke is just plain mean. OK...I'm joking. It did make me giggle as well!
Q. How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. "It's all right, I'll just sit in the dark..."
Palzang