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A few Jokes to make you chuckle - keep 'em clean...
An Irishman, one day, decides he can't keep the family horse anymore. They've no food - and that is the only way they can make any money to prepare themselves for the oncoming winter.
"Wife", says he, "I'm taking horse and da cart into town to sell it." And he prepares to leave. But as he's trying to leave his daughter begs to be allowed to go with him.
As they are heading into town, they are beset by brigands...
"Ahhh... to be sure, we'll be takin' yer harse, yer cart and any monies ye might have on ye - or we'll slit yer troats."
Without blinking an eye, the farmer gives them the horse and the cart and shows them he has no more money. Happy with what they have, the brigands leave.
"Jaysus, Joseph and Mary... what are we going to do? We've no harse, no cart and no money for food."
"Don't worry, father", says the daughter, "I've some money that I've been saving from me last two birthdays."
"Saints above", cries the father, "but where did you hide the money so the brigands wouldn't find it?"
"In me mouth, see?" and she opens her mouth and spits out the coins.
"Ahhhh... it's a shame yer mother wasn't here - or we could have saved the harse and the cart."
This story was current here some years ago but the protagonists were the Queen and Princess Anne. The missing family member was Diana Wales and the vehicle a Land Rover! The location of the hiding place was at the other end of the alimentary canal!!!
A ship, in oh let's say the early 19th century, is sailing on the sea. All of a sudden, there is a call from the crow's nest, "Captain! Pirate ship heading this way quick!"
The crew stops what they're doing and all turn to look at the captain. The captain very calmly turns to the first mate and says, "First mate, bring me my red shirt." The First mate does and the captain puts on the shirt.
The pirate ship engages them and the captain joins into the fray giving as good as he gets - and they finally manage to repel the pirate ship and sink it.
Three days later, another call from the crows nest. "Captain! Three pirate ships heading our way!"
The crew stops what they're doing and all turn to look at the captain. The captain very calmly turns to the first mate and says, "First mate, bring me my red shirt." The First mate does and the captain puts on the shirt.
The pirate ships engage them and the captain joins into the fray giving as good as he gets - and they finally manage to repel the pirate ships and sink them.
That evening, as the crew are resting and repairing themselves in the waning sunlight, one of them asks the First mate why the captain always calls for his red shirt before heading into a battle?
"Well, the captain would not ask any one of you to do something he wouldn't or hasn't done himself. But, if he does get wounded, he doesn't want the crew to be able to see it and have their courage fail."
The crew is absolutely amazed at the courage of their captain.
A couple of days later, there is another call from the crows nest - "Captain! Ten pirate ships heading our way!"
A hush falls over the crew as they turn to look at the captain.
The captain seems almost stunned as he stands there evaluating the situation.
Very calmly he turns to the First mate and says, "First mate, bring me my brown pants."
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited October 2005
How do we know we are NOT Mindful....?
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start towards the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I
wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail
in the trash can under the table and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mail box when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my
cheque book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My
extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find
the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my
cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is warm and I decide I
should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye - they need to be watered.. I set the Coke down on the
counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning.
I decide I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Some one left it
on the kitchen table. I realize that to-night when we go to watch TV, we
will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but
first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers but most
of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a floor cloth and wipe up
the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.
At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then I try to figure out why nothing got done to-day. I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize
this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first
I'll check my e-mail........
There are reports that state that women are better at multi-tasking than men are. I think this is just a perfect example of "female multitasking".
Lots of fluff and hub-bub - but not much getting done.
At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then I try to figure out why nothing got done to-day. I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize
this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first
I'll check my e-mail........
And at the end of the day, when nothing you've started is completed - whos fault is it and who catches hell for it? Nick.
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Mr. Smith, a Methodist minister, had just finished his Sunday morning service at the church. On their way out the church, members customarily shook his hand and exchanged a few pleasantries. Mrs. Jones, however, accosted Mr. Smith, and complained about wine being served at a wedding reception the night before. She said, "If ever there was a trap, it's alcohol, and I for one think it wrong for the Church to be sponsoring any activity in which it is served." Mr. Smith tried to reassure her that no one had too much to drink and that it was okay. He reminded her that the Lord Jesus himself was known to take a drink or two. Mrs. Jones replied, "Yes, and I always thought less of him for it!"
Q: What's the difference between an Episcopalian and a Baptist? A: "An Episcopalian will speak to you at a liquor store." [South Carolina towns have distinct drinking styles: In Greenville (home of Bob Jones Univ.) the men will gather out back in the garage; In Columbia (home of the Lutheran Seminary) the folks will gather in the parlor; but in Charleston (oldest city and third largest colonial city where the Episcopalians got things started) they'll drink on the front porch.]
The presbytery, on examining Mr. Ogilvye for ordination to the sacred ministry, asked him many questions concerning church government, doctrine, and church history, as is customary. He answered each question correctly, but one not too discretely: Q: Are you willing for your immortal soul to be damned for the greater glory of God? A: "Yes I am, and not mine only. I am willing to offer up the whole Presbytery."
[:rocker:]
(New on this Buddhist site, I must first say how surprised I was to find so many jokes relating to sex. I don't quite know what to think of that, because to many people sex is intrinsically "dirty" if not treated with utmost care. Note, I am not saying I disapprove, but nor can I say I was "pleasantly surprised." I really don't know what to think. I guess I basically believe sex is sacred and, as such, its proper role is one of mystery, and not of revelation or fair play for exploitation of ANY kind. --Sexologists, of course, aside, for their work has great value; nor would I think that they'd stand for keeping it all under the covers, so to speak. Moreover, I think we are a vulgar people compared to the good folks who raised us. Growing up in the sixties, people that flaunted their money or were interested in owning many things were considered vulgar. "Decent" people cared more about other people than owning a lot of stuff.)
The Acting School Dropout:
There was a young man from the midwest who all his life wanted to go out to Hollywood and become an actor, or perhaps even a movie star. Well, he took a lot of drama in high school and also went a few years to college.
However, it seemed he was just going through the motions at his mid-west college, so he came up with a plan: leave school and go out to Hollywood and get in the business. He had always been told, "It's WHO you know."
So he left school and went out there. Beverly Hills, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars. What better place to meet them than at the supermarket? So he gets lucky and lands a job in produce. Everything's going along fine. He's meeting all these swanky people and has a few auditions lined up.
A couple of months later, this well-dressed man walks up to him and asks him for half a head of a particular brand of iceberg lettuce that is packaged with certain disrtribution stipulations. "Sir," says the young man, you have to buy the whole head. This product must leave the store in one piece. LOOK, it says so right here [pointing]!"
"But I have no use for the whole head," replies the customer (Think Hairlip.). This goes on for a few minutes, and after the customer insists he's NOT leaving the store without his lettuce, the young man goes to the manager's office and says, "Boss, there's this Jerk out there who insists on buying..." But before he can finish, he finds that the customer has come right into the manager's office through a door he probably wasn't careful to close. "---And this nice gentleman wants to buy the OTHER half!"
That situation taken care of, the manager calls the young man back into his office about half an hour later and says, "Bryan, that was very tactful and diplomatic the way you handled that situation back there. Mr. Bigshot is a very, shall we say, challenging, customer, but you know here at this store we aim to please. Hey Bryan, where are you from, anyway?"
Bryan replied, "Oh, I'm from Minnesota, but I don't brag on it none, 'cuz everybody from there is either a whore or a hockey player."
Abashed, the manager replies, "MY WIFE'S from Minnesota!"
"Oh really?" says Bryan, "What TEAM did she play with?"
Well, this is after all "New Buddhism" and much of it is "American Buddhism." In reference to later and in the spirit of this thread I am going to have bumber-stickers made up that say:
Well, this is after all "New Buddhism" and much of it is "American Buddhism." In reference to later and in the spirit of this thread I am going to have bumber-stickers made up that say:
Does this Mantra make my ass look fat?™
:crazy: :banghead:
IT MAKES YOU LOOK ENTIRELY AN ASS IF YOU TELL ANYONE WHAT YOUR MANTRA IS!
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS, (silly, stupid me), you've created your own trademark "mantra" for mass consumption. What a beautiful prayer!
Please forgive me for having some sensibilities, but I think a certain naivete concerning sex is charming. There is something having the flavor of rank consumerism about sex jokes.
By the way, be sure not to catch that dreadful Amish flu going around. It's almost deadly. Here are the first two symptoms:
First you get a little horse, then you get a little buggy. (Better orally, then you don't have to mispell "hoarse.")
IT MAKES YOU LOOK ENTIRELY AN ASS IF YOU TELL ANYONE WHAT YOUR MANTRA IS!
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS, (silly, stupid me), you've created your own trademark "mantra" for mass consumption. What a beautiful prayer!
Please forgive me for having some sensibilities, but I think a certain naivete concerning sex is charming. There is something having the flavor of rank consumerism about sex jokes.
Whoa! Big fella!!!
Its all a joke...
I hesitate to explain a joke since if ya don't get it, ya probably wont, but...
"Does this dress/outfit my my ass look fat" is a fairly well known joke among men folks in the US.
Stereotypical Americans are materialistic and many times attach/gather things for reasons other than what they are intended.
For instance, a person might give to charity hoping others will look well upon him. A person might become a vegetarian for trendy reasons, to be part of pop culture... Read: Non-altruistic reasons.
The "joke" was a poke at how a person, a stereotypical self-absorbed American might use her Buddhism.
Pretentious people are just needy people like you and me that need love and a lot of understanding and a good place in which to be planted. Give them space, allow them grace, and they will grow.
But remember to tell a nice joke on this site. Hint! Hint! (You forgot last time.) Here's a really, really filthy one:
Two older gents were walking on the waterfront in Savanna in the wee hours of the morning, beginning to sober up a bit. One started to complain how his wife was getting real lazy about cooking, cleaning, and even taking care of herself. As the other one was listening his head just began to throb in anger, "MY WIFE IS A FILTHY PIG," shouts he, "A FILTHY PIG. EVERY TIME I GO TO PEE IN THE SINK IT'S FULL OF UNWASHED DISHES."
Uh... we are not understanding each other... I am "lightened up", I have no problem with any of the humor posted.
I'm sorry that my joke has brought you so much unrest. Really, it was not my intent. It was only meant in jest and fun. Light-hearted humor only, I assure you.
Life is suffering, but I'd like to keep the Lord Buddha out of this. He makes me laugh too hard, when I think of his rubber belly.
Another JOKE?
This is kinda a joke I made up myself:
A certain town has only seven saloons and only four churches. I can't remember the names of all the saloons, but here are the churches, each one getting progressively further from downtown:
Downtown: The First Fellowship Church of Christ.
Next: New Fellowship Church of Christ.
Next: Full Fellowship Church of Christ.
Last: First Full Fellowship Church Of God in Christ.
All to the Greater Glory of God? If he exists, he must be someone really Big, eh?
On a visit to the East Coast, Suzuki Roshi arrived at the meeting place of the Cambridge Buddhist Society to find everyone scrubbing down the interior in anticipation of his visit. They were surprised to see him, because he had written that he would arrive on the following day. He tied back the sleeves of his robe and insisted on joining the preparations "for the grand day of my arrival."
From - To Shine One Corner of the World: Moments with Shunryu Suzuki: Stories of a Zen Teacher Told by His Students
And:
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
-Peter O'Toole
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
-Joan Rivers
It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-Pat Robertson, speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment Mar. 22, 1930
A Arkansas college class (is that possible!?!?!) is in session and todays subject regards paranormal activity...
"Okay class, settle down. Now, as you know, we're going to be discussing paranormal activity - you know, ghosts and such. Now, I'd like to know how many people here believe in ghosts? Please raise your hands."
About 20 hands go up in the air.
"Good. Now, how many here believe they have seen a ghost?"
About 5 hands go up in the air.
"Excellent. Now - here's a real curveball - how many believe they have kissed or had sex with a ghost?"
One hand goes up.
"Really! Amazing! Could you please come down to the front of the class?" - and the student does. Once in front of the class, the teachers says, "Now could you tell us your experience in having sex with a ghost?"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
.... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
.... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.
.... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
Well, Christmas is over, but this is still a funny joke worth posting.
Cookie Recipe for Christmas
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
3 cups of flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
I love this one - I can only sympathise with the patient! A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf Sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
A Mormon Bishop was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Houston, Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Bishop if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip!.....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "BEER" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere. "BEER" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "BEERS" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "BEERS," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "BEER" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "BEER" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under: "Golf Courses."
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't do that
No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 105 to 175
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated
in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Jehovah's Witnesses: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Atheism: What shit?
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in yourpocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
A lady brings her pet bird into the vet. She believes her bird has died but just wants to make sure.
The vet looks the bird over and says, "I'm sorry, I believe you are right. That'll be $25.00"
"Oh doctor, aren't there some checks you can do to be sure?"
"Yeah." So the doctor leaves the room and returns with a Labrador Retriever and a Manx cat.
The dog puts it's paws up on the table and sniffs the bird and then shakes it's head at the vet.
The cat hops up on the table and sniffs the bird and then shakes it's head at the vet.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Your bird is dead. That will be $150.00"
"What!?!?!?! Just a couple of minutes ago, you told me this checkup was going to cost $25.00?"
"Yes, but that was before the Lab test and the Cat scan."
Comments
naturally, i turned him down.....:D
"Wife", says he, "I'm taking horse and da cart into town to sell it." And he prepares to leave. But as he's trying to leave his daughter begs to be allowed to go with him.
As they are heading into town, they are beset by brigands...
"Ahhh... to be sure, we'll be takin' yer harse, yer cart and any monies ye might have on ye - or we'll slit yer troats."
Without blinking an eye, the farmer gives them the horse and the cart and shows them he has no more money. Happy with what they have, the brigands leave.
"Jaysus, Joseph and Mary... what are we going to do? We've no harse, no cart and no money for food."
"Don't worry, father", says the daughter, "I've some money that I've been saving from me last two birthdays."
"Saints above", cries the father, "but where did you hide the money so the brigands wouldn't find it?"
"In me mouth, see?" and she opens her mouth and spits out the coins.
"Ahhhh... it's a shame yer mother wasn't here - or we could have saved the harse and the cart."
-bf
A ship, in oh let's say the early 19th century, is sailing on the sea. All of a sudden, there is a call from the crow's nest, "Captain! Pirate ship heading this way quick!"
The crew stops what they're doing and all turn to look at the captain. The captain very calmly turns to the first mate and says, "First mate, bring me my red shirt." The First mate does and the captain puts on the shirt.
The pirate ship engages them and the captain joins into the fray giving as good as he gets - and they finally manage to repel the pirate ship and sink it.
Three days later, another call from the crows nest. "Captain! Three pirate ships heading our way!"
The crew stops what they're doing and all turn to look at the captain. The captain very calmly turns to the first mate and says, "First mate, bring me my red shirt." The First mate does and the captain puts on the shirt.
The pirate ships engage them and the captain joins into the fray giving as good as he gets - and they finally manage to repel the pirate ships and sink them.
That evening, as the crew are resting and repairing themselves in the waning sunlight, one of them asks the First mate why the captain always calls for his red shirt before heading into a battle?
"Well, the captain would not ask any one of you to do something he wouldn't or hasn't done himself. But, if he does get wounded, he doesn't want the crew to be able to see it and have their courage fail."
The crew is absolutely amazed at the courage of their captain.
A couple of days later, there is another call from the crows nest - "Captain! Ten pirate ships heading our way!"
A hush falls over the crew as they turn to look at the captain.
The captain seems almost stunned as he stands there evaluating the situation.
Very calmly he turns to the First mate and says, "First mate, bring me my brown pants."
-bf
Good one! Thanks for the laughs.
Adiana:usflag: :bigclap: :rockon: :wavey:
This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start towards the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I
wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail
in the trash can under the table and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mail box when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my
cheque book off the table and see that there is only one cheque left. My
extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find
the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my
cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't
accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is warm and I decide I
should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye - they need to be watered.. I set the Coke down on the
counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning.
I decide I had better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Some one left it
on the kitchen table. I realize that to-night when we go to watch TV, we
will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the
kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but
first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers but most
of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get a floor cloth and wipe up
the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.
At the end of the day, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered,
there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then I try to figure out why nothing got done to-day. I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize
this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first
I'll check my e-mail........
I don't think that is "mindfulness"...
There are reports that state that women are better at multi-tasking than men are. I think this is just a perfect example of "female multitasking".
Lots of fluff and hub-bub - but not much getting done.
And at the end of the day, when nothing you've started is completed - whos fault is it and who catches hell for it? Nick.
-bf
You have encapsulated my life in a nutshell! :woowoo: :bigclap: I think my forgetfulness gets worse as I get older! YIKES!
Adiana:usflag:
Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Q: What's the difference between an Episcopalian and a Baptist? A: "An Episcopalian will speak to you at a liquor store." [South Carolina towns have distinct drinking styles: In Greenville (home of Bob Jones Univ.) the men will gather out back in the garage; In Columbia (home of the Lutheran Seminary) the folks will gather in the parlor; but in Charleston (oldest city and third largest colonial city where the Episcopalians got things started) they'll drink on the front porch.]
The presbytery, on examining Mr. Ogilvye for ordination to the sacred ministry, asked him many questions concerning church government, doctrine, and church history, as is customary. He answered each question correctly, but one not too discretely: Q: Are you willing for your immortal soul to be damned for the greater glory of God? A: "Yes I am, and not mine only. I am willing to offer up the whole Presbytery."
[:rocker:]
The Acting School Dropout:
There was a young man from the midwest who all his life wanted to go out to Hollywood and become an actor, or perhaps even a movie star. Well, he took a lot of drama in high school and also went a few years to college.
However, it seemed he was just going through the motions at his mid-west college, so he came up with a plan: leave school and go out to Hollywood and get in the business. He had always been told, "It's WHO you know."
So he left school and went out there. Beverly Hills, Swimming Pools, Movie Stars. What better place to meet them than at the supermarket? So he gets lucky and lands a job in produce. Everything's going along fine. He's meeting all these swanky people and has a few auditions lined up.
A couple of months later, this well-dressed man walks up to him and asks him for half a head of a particular brand of iceberg lettuce that is packaged with certain disrtribution stipulations. "Sir," says the young man, you have to buy the whole head. This product must leave the store in one piece. LOOK, it says so right here [pointing]!"
"But I have no use for the whole head," replies the customer (Think Hairlip.). This goes on for a few minutes, and after the customer insists he's NOT leaving the store without his lettuce, the young man goes to the manager's office and says, "Boss, there's this Jerk out there who insists on buying..." But before he can finish, he finds that the customer has come right into the manager's office through a door he probably wasn't careful to close. "---And this nice gentleman wants to buy the OTHER half!"
That situation taken care of, the manager calls the young man back into his office about half an hour later and says, "Bryan, that was very tactful and diplomatic the way you handled that situation back there. Mr. Bigshot is a very, shall we say, challenging, customer, but you know here at this store we aim to please. Hey Bryan, where are you from, anyway?"
Bryan replied, "Oh, I'm from Minnesota, but I don't brag on it none, 'cuz everybody from there is either a whore or a hockey player."
Abashed, the manager replies, "MY WIFE'S from Minnesota!"
"Oh really?" says Bryan, "What TEAM did she play with?"
[:rarr:]
Does this Mantra make my ass look fat?™
IT MAKES YOU LOOK ENTIRELY AN ASS IF YOU TELL ANYONE WHAT YOUR MANTRA IS!
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS, (silly, stupid me), you've created your own trademark "mantra" for mass consumption. What a beautiful prayer!
Please forgive me for having some sensibilities, but I think a certain naivete concerning sex is charming. There is something having the flavor of rank consumerism about sex jokes.
By the way, be sure not to catch that dreadful Amish flu going around. It's almost deadly. Here are the first two symptoms:
First you get a little horse, then you get a little buggy. (Better orally, then you don't have to mispell "hoarse.")
Whoa! Big fella!!!
Its all a joke...
I hesitate to explain a joke since if ya don't get it, ya probably wont, but...
"Does this dress/outfit my my ass look fat" is a fairly well known joke among men folks in the US.
Stereotypical Americans are materialistic and many times attach/gather things for reasons other than what they are intended.
For instance, a person might give to charity hoping others will look well upon him. A person might become a vegetarian for trendy reasons, to be part of pop culture... Read: Non-altruistic reasons.
The "joke" was a poke at how a person, a stereotypical self-absorbed American might use her Buddhism.
Get it? ha ha... nudge nudge?
SEX BRINGS BAD KARMA.
Pretentious people are just needy people like you and me that need love and a lot of understanding and a good place in which to be planted. Give them space, allow them grace, and they will grow.
But remember to tell a nice joke on this site. Hint! Hint! (You forgot last time.) Here's a really, really filthy one:
Two older gents were walking on the waterfront in Savanna in the wee hours of the morning, beginning to sober up a bit. One started to complain how his wife was getting real lazy about cooking, cleaning, and even taking care of herself. As the other one was listening his head just began to throb in anger, "MY WIFE IS A FILTHY PIG," shouts he, "A FILTHY PIG. EVERY TIME I GO TO PEE IN THE SINK IT'S FULL OF UNWASHED DISHES."
I'm sorry that my joke has brought you so much unrest. Really, it was not my intent. It was only meant in jest and fun. Light-hearted humor only, I assure you.
Can you possibly deny this:
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
See, Sex brings bad karma.
Life is suffering, but I'd like to keep the Lord Buddha out of this. He makes me laugh too hard, when I think of his rubber belly.
Another JOKE?
This is kinda a joke I made up myself:
A certain town has only seven saloons and only four churches. I can't remember the names of all the saloons, but here are the churches, each one getting progressively further from downtown:
Downtown: The First Fellowship Church of Christ.
Next: New Fellowship Church of Christ.
Next: Full Fellowship Church of Christ.
Last: First Full Fellowship Church Of God in Christ.
All to the Greater Glory of God? If he exists, he must be someone really Big, eh?
On a visit to the East Coast, Suzuki Roshi arrived at the meeting place of the Cambridge Buddhist Society to find everyone scrubbing down the interior in anticipation of his visit. They were surprised to see him, because he had written that he would arrive on the following day. He tied back the sleeves of his robe and insisted on joining the preparations "for the grand day of my arrival."
From - To Shine One Corner of the World: Moments with Shunryu Suzuki: Stories of a Zen Teacher Told by His Students
And:
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
-Peter O'Toole
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
-Joan Rivers
It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
-Pat Robertson, speaking of the Equal Rights Amendment Mar. 22, 1930
"Okay class, settle down. Now, as you know, we're going to be discussing paranormal activity - you know, ghosts and such. Now, I'd like to know how many people here believe in ghosts? Please raise your hands."
About 20 hands go up in the air.
"Good. Now, how many here believe they have seen a ghost?"
About 5 hands go up in the air.
"Excellent. Now - here's a real curveball - how many believe they have kissed or had sex with a ghost?"
One hand goes up.
"Really! Amazing! Could you please come down to the front of the class?" - and the student does. Once in front of the class, the teachers says, "Now could you tell us your experience in having sex with a ghost?"
"Oh... I'm sorry. I thought you said "goats"".
-bf
I got this one in an email [sorry Fede]:
"Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French
guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound
of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand
print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark,
but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark.
She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that
Frenchman again."
Jason
Ya mammas sooo fat, that when her beeper goes off. People think she's backing up!!!!
Yo mammas sooo fat that smaller women have begun to orbit her.....
Ya mammas sooo fat that the national weather service has given individual names to each of her farts:werr:
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God."
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK:
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
.... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6 am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
.... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.
.... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
Cookie Recipe for Christmas
Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
3 cups of flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet.
Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.
Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
CHERRY MISTMAS
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As
she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf Sex or dates."
The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
A Mormon Bishop was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Houston, Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Bishop if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
:cheer:
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job.
One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock, and no hired hand.
He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!!
Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."
Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?
Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.
Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.
Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.
Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.
Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
And finally the most important tip!.....
Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women - Leftover wine??
:cheer:
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to heck for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "BEER" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere. "BEER" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "BEERS" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "BEERS," men will have sex with even unattractive women.
Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "Marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "BEER" is administered.
Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious "BEER" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under: "Golf Courses."
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't do that
No one wants to hear me sing
Sorry I'm being such a jackass
3 Old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench
having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.
The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened
his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly,
being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. Bless her heart!
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humor.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"
Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Here's the final word on nutrition and health:
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 105 to 175
Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated
in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses:
1) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
4) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests:
1) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shit happening.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Televangelism: Send money or shit will happen to you.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Jehovah's Witnesses: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Atheism: What shit?
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.
These are doctors' notes on patients' charts: (Actual notes - unedited!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her adult life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in yourpocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
The vet looks the bird over and says, "I'm sorry, I believe you are right. That'll be $25.00"
"Oh doctor, aren't there some checks you can do to be sure?"
"Yeah." So the doctor leaves the room and returns with a Labrador Retriever and a Manx cat.
The dog puts it's paws up on the table and sniffs the bird and then shakes it's head at the vet.
The cat hops up on the table and sniffs the bird and then shakes it's head at the vet.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am. Your bird is dead. That will be $150.00"
"What!?!?!?! Just a couple of minutes ago, you told me this checkup was going to cost $25.00?"
"Yes, but that was before the Lab test and the Cat scan."
-bf