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A few Jokes to make you chuckle - keep 'em clean...
federica
Seeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
I thought it might be a good idea, as Forum idiot, to post a few jokes to make you laugh. it's my job. it's in my contract, ok?
Feel free to add some more. But as the thread title says, be Mindful of content....!
Ok, here we go.....
How to Live a Long Life
An old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. ........
Tommy’s parents decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their eight-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their ‘plan’ into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company..." he called out.
"Matthew's riding a new bike......"
Then, suddenly,"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his parents shot up in bed! His father cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a lollipop too."
~
A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The man says “ok, thanks”, and leaves.
A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The man says “ok, thanks”, and leaves..
A week later the sameman uy sticks his head, yet again, in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, with tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house!"
~
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
“Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
”Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife.”
~
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull, he wins."
~
An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Englishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! Bother, bother, bother!! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building!!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Madre de Dios! Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!!"
The Irishman opened his lunch and said, "Well Bejayzus and bejeebers! Tuna mayonnaise again! If I get a tuna mayonnaise sandwich one more time I’ll be jumping too!!"
The next day the Englishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and true to his word, jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the tuna mayonnaise and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Englishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Well now, don't be lookin’ at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."
~
10 Ways to turn men down….
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
And number 10….
Man: can I have your ‘phone number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name!
Woman: That’s ok, it’s in the phone book as well!
Unanswered Questions:
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?
3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
11. Why is "bra" singular and "pants" plural?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
13. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)
14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
17. Why do the ‘Alphabet song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?
18. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? (Ass-teroid, geddit?)
20. Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
A parachutist jumped out of a plane, but his chute would not open. As he hurtled towards the ground he met a man coming up. "Know anything about parachutes?" he yelled.
"No", was the reply. "Know anything about gas-cookers?" (I couldn’t type for laughing at this one !)
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. He was sick and tired of the parrot using such profanities, especially infront of his wife and children.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, then there was total quiet.
Finally, John asked “have you had enough, yet?”
Came back the feeble reply,
“yes”.
“And if I let you out, will you promise to behave from now on?”
“yes”. Even more feeble.
“Do you promise to never ever speak to anyone like that again, and to behave in front of my wife and children?!”
“yes”. Feebler still.
John opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned but delighted at the change in the bird's attitude. As the bird stepped from one foot to the other, head lightly to one side, he then said:
……"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
Wind shields of Airlines and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, pulverised the back wall of the cabin, and thundered to the end of the fuselage, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for any suggestions.
The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line email memo:...
"Defrost the chicken."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped onto an underground train seat, next to a atholic priest. The man’s tie was stained with food and wine, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-full bottle of Gin was poking out of his jacket pocket. He pulled a folded up newspaper out of his other pocket, opened it, and began to read. After a few moments, he turned to the priest, and with a slightly slurred voice, asked,
“Say, father, what causes Arthritis, then?”
“Loose living, drunkenness, debauchery and lasciviousness!” retorted the priest indignantly”Well I’ll be damned!”, replied the drunk, and returned to his paper.
After a few moments, the Priest felt a stab of remorse, and leant over to the drunk.
“I’m sorry, my son, “ he began, “I shouldn’t have been so quick-tempered with you….. now, how long have you had arthritis?”
“Oh, no, I haven’t. It just says in here that the Pope’s got it…..”
Two fishermen are floating quietly on the sea, saying nothing, gazing into the water, waiting for a bite.... suddenly, one line goes taut.... after a short struggle, the fisherman lands this gorgeous, perfectly "furnished" mermaid. She's a real beauty, but after a moment of looking at her, the fisherman throws her back.
His friend sits in silence fore a few moments, then turns and asks, incredulously...
"Why - ?!?"
The other fisherman just keeps gazing out to sea, pondering... then after quite a pause, and with a shrug of his shoulders, replies,
....."How?"
Feel free to add some more. But as the thread title says, be Mindful of content....!
Ok, here we go.....
How to Live a Long Life
An old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110. He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great-grandchildren, 10 great-great-grand-children, and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. ........
Tommy’s parents decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “quickie” with their eight-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a lollypop and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their ‘plan’ into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by!"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company..." he called out.
"Matthew's riding a new bike......"
Then, suddenly,"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his parents shot up in bed! His father cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a lollipop too."
~
A man sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The man says “ok, thanks”, and leaves.
A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The man says “ok, thanks”, and leaves..
A week later the sameman uy sticks his head, yet again, in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, with tears in his eyes, and says, "Your house!"
~
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:
“Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
”Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don't wait up.
Your Wife.”
~
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said... "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull, he wins."
~
An Englishman, a Mexican and an Irishman were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Englishman said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! Bother, bother, bother!! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building!!"
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Madre de Dios! Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too!!"
The Irishman opened his lunch and said, "Well Bejayzus and bejeebers! Tuna mayonnaise again! If I get a tuna mayonnaise sandwich one more time I’ll be jumping too!!"
The next day the Englishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and true to his word, jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The Irishman opened his lunch, saw the tuna mayonnaise and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Englishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much!"
Everyone turned and stared at the Irishman’s wife. "Well now, don't be lookin’ at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."
~
10 Ways to turn men down….
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: Actually I'd rather have the money.
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Woman: I must have been given your share.
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman: Okay, get out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Woman: Why? Are you leaving?
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
And number 10….
Man: can I have your ‘phone number?
Woman: It’s in the phone book.
Man: But I don’t know your name!
Woman: That’s ok, it’s in the phone book as well!
Unanswered Questions:
1. Can you cry under water?
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated, instead of just murdered?
3. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
4. Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
7. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
8. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
9. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
10. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
11. Why is "bra" singular and "pants" plural?
12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
13. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? (I've always wondered..)
14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
15. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
16. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
17. Why do the ‘Alphabet song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?
18. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? (Ass-teroid, geddit?)
20. Why is it that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
A parachutist jumped out of a plane, but his chute would not open. As he hurtled towards the ground he met a man coming up. "Know anything about parachutes?" he yelled.
"No", was the reply. "Know anything about gas-cookers?" (I couldn’t type for laughing at this one !)
John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and yelled at the parrot. He was sick and tired of the parrot using such profanities, especially infront of his wife and children.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked, then there was total quiet.
Finally, John asked “have you had enough, yet?”
Came back the feeble reply,
“yes”.
“And if I let you out, will you promise to behave from now on?”
“yes”. Even more feeble.
“Do you promise to never ever speak to anyone like that again, and to behave in front of my wife and children?!”
“yes”. Feebler still.
John opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned but delighted at the change in the bird's attitude. As the bird stepped from one foot to the other, head lightly to one side, he then said:
……"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Scientists at the Canadian Research Facility built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
Wind shields of Airlines and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
NASA engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the NASA engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashing it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, pulverised the back wall of the cabin, and thundered to the end of the fuselage, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Americans sent the Canadian Research Facility the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the Canadian scientists for any suggestions.
The Canadian Research Facility responded with a one-line email memo:...
"Defrost the chicken."
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped onto an underground train seat, next to a atholic priest. The man’s tie was stained with food and wine, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-full bottle of Gin was poking out of his jacket pocket. He pulled a folded up newspaper out of his other pocket, opened it, and began to read. After a few moments, he turned to the priest, and with a slightly slurred voice, asked,
“Say, father, what causes Arthritis, then?”
“Loose living, drunkenness, debauchery and lasciviousness!” retorted the priest indignantly”Well I’ll be damned!”, replied the drunk, and returned to his paper.
After a few moments, the Priest felt a stab of remorse, and leant over to the drunk.
“I’m sorry, my son, “ he began, “I shouldn’t have been so quick-tempered with you….. now, how long have you had arthritis?”
“Oh, no, I haven’t. It just says in here that the Pope’s got it…..”
Two fishermen are floating quietly on the sea, saying nothing, gazing into the water, waiting for a bite.... suddenly, one line goes taut.... after a short struggle, the fisherman lands this gorgeous, perfectly "furnished" mermaid. She's a real beauty, but after a moment of looking at her, the fisherman throws her back.
His friend sits in silence fore a few moments, then turns and asks, incredulously...
"Why - ?!?"
The other fisherman just keeps gazing out to sea, pondering... then after quite a pause, and with a shrug of his shoulders, replies,
....."How?"
0
Comments
Here's one:
A Buddhist walks up to a HOT DOG seller in New York and says:
"Make me one with everything."
A: Obi Wan Kenobi appeared to him in a vision and said, "Use the *fork* Luke!"
Thanks for the laughs! I really needed them today. I love the lines for turning down men, too! I thought they were all great.
Adiana
'What does this mean to you?'
The other replied:
'Astronomically, there are millions and millions of countless galaxies, with stars, planets, satellites, moons - the light of which is reaching us long after that object has faded and died... the universe is an unexplorable wonder, in its' fullness...
Astrologically, the stars guide our lives, and govern our day-to-day existence, through their position and corellation with one another..
Spiritually, There is a Being, a Creator, an Energy, some believe, that has fashioned all this wondrous miracle, and who is beyond our Knowing...
Why do you ask?'
'You dang Idiot!' retorts the first.... 'It just means someone has stolen our tent....!!'
thanks for the refreshing and enlightening jokes
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels...
har har...
>>
>>
>>
>> Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject
>> turned to sex.
>>
>> "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems",
>> Linda told her friend.
>>
>> "That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're
>> thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.
>>
>> "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!",
>> responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it
went?"
>>
>> Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again.
>>
>> "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.
>>
>> "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a
>> physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could
>> help us.
>>
>> He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy
>> a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts.
>>
>> He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and
>> donuts at each other.
>>
>> Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out
>> with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to
eat.
>>
>> Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever
>> been!"
>>
>> With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an
>> appointment with the same sex therapist.
>>
>> After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary
>> and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for
>> you," he said.
>>
>> "But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and
>> John, surely you must have a suggestion for us!
>>
>> Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
>>
>> "Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you
>> to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of
>> cheerios..."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
http://www.duke.edu/web/meditation/image/zen%20cartoon.jpg
My handle used to be LittleBenBuddha, but it was starting to annoy me, so I switched to my new dharma name.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school
for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun
made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
a guy is taking sky diving lessons. his instructor says to him, wait ten seconds then pull the rip cord.
if the cord doesnt open, pull the emergency rip cord. if that one doesn't open pray to allah.
so the guy jumps out waits, pulls the cord, nothing happens, then he pulls the emergency cord, nothing happens. so he prays to allah. then a huge gold hand swoops down and saves him. when he's back on the ground, and the hand is floating above him, he yells THANK GOD!! and the hand of allah squashes him like a bug!!!!
:hair:
the buddhist then asks for the change, to which the vendor replies "change comes from within"
Thank you gentlemen, kindly leave the stage.
* The First Essential is to have a partner who's Romantic, considerate and thoughtful... flowers at least once a week, dinner at a wonderful restaurant, and carriage rides in the park by starlight....
* The Second Essential is that he can make us laugh. he 's got a great sense of humour, he picks us up when we're down, he makes us feel good about Life and is great to have around.
*The Third Essential is that he knows which end of a vacuum cleaner to hold... he can cook, wash, clean dishes, and generally keep his pad looking clean, elegant and sanitary!
*And the Fourth essential is that he has the Bod of a God, is wonderful between the sheets and caters to our needs before his own!
That these Four Men never get to meet one another.....!!
ROTFLMAO
Thanks for the laughs. You have no idea how badly I needed to laugh today.:bowdown:
Adiana:wavey:
It would go perfectly well for the straight man too... just reverse the rôles.... heck, go mad!!
feel free to PM me if you need to honey.....;)
YogaMama strikes again - !!
http://porktornado.diaryland.com/albumcover.html
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking the vampire about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the F*!# off our car!"
-bf
The names have been changed to protect the identity's of these people who are living in France.
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green
and the cows have such beautiful eyes." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."
This is -without question- the best optical illusion I've ever seen... If you stare at the image for ten seconds , you should see a giraffe...