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A few Jokes to make you chuckle - keep 'em clean...
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in
it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the
cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud
of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had
been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack
in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I
have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your
side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would
not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!:tonguec:
Bill, the human resources representative at your local, friendly Wal-Mart had a job vacancy to fill. He had, on the premises, four applicants, each fully qualified for the position. So he called them all together into his office.
“First-off,” he said, “this is Wal-Mart and saving time is everything. In most places, the human resources officer would grant separate interviews for each candidate, but here we do things differently, to save time and money. As each of you four is equally qualified, let me suggest that we select the applicant that can answer most pointedly the question of the theme of our philosophy, which is to pass savings on to the consumer by increased efficiency brought on by saving time and money. Think for a minute or two about speed and efficiency. Say, what’s the fastest thing you can think of? On the basis of the best answer, that person will get the job.”
So, Bill (the human resources guy) gives them a few minutes to think. First he calls on Bob.
Bob says. “I guess it would be thought. You can think of things certainly much faster than you can actually do them.”
Bill: “Good, Bob. Now, Sally, it’s your turn.”
Sally says, “I’d say a blink (She illustrates by winking at Bill.). Yes, a blink is certainly quicker than a thought.”
Bill: “Good, Sally! Very good. Now, Mary Frances, what do you think?”
Mary Frances says, “Well, when I was a little girl, growing up on the farm –outside the back door about 500 yards was the barn. Now, to the left of that door was a light-switch, and when you switched it up, the lights on the barn would go on instantaneously, I mean, it was the speed of light.”
Bill: “Whoa, the Speed of Light? Purr-fect! Now, Bubba, can you beat that?”
Bubba belches and says, “Diarrhea.”
“Diarrhea?” says not only Bill, but also Bob, Sally and Mary Frances, almost in unison and not without some pronounced disbelief.
Bubba: “Yup. The other day I was standin’ at the frigidaire wondering why the door wouldn’t shut, and all of a sudden I had this SENSATION. And befur I could take any thought, blink, or even flick a derned switch, I crapped my pants so bad. I mean, you wouldn’t have believed it.”
The moral of the story is that Bubba is the new greeter at Wal-Mart.
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I Could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
ONLY SOUTHERNERS are allowed to poke fun at other Southerners. Those there are the rules.
Believe me, I used to live in North Carolina, that Valley of Humility between two Giants of Conceit, namely South Carolina and Virginia. Even there, the good people of West Virginia were the butt of many jokes.
Like this one: D'ya hear that in West Virginia they put the high-beam/low beam switch back on the floor. Why? 'Cuz too many drivers were gettin' their legs all tied up in the steerin' wheel. (You might be a redneck if your car is on blocks and your house is on wheels.) (YA MIGHT be a redneck if you have to finance yer tatoos.)
Frantically rifling through his bag it began to dawn on Siddhartha that his days selling vaccuum cleaners door to door were over.......He'd left all his attachments behind.
Funny, but let me clear up one common misconception. No one (at least not a scientist) ever said humans evolved from monkeys and apes. Monkeys, apes and humans evolved from common ancestors, like a tree branching. Sorry to seem pedantic, but that is such a common misconception (especially among creationists and other Xians). It's akin with the belief that dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time (actually there were hundreds of millions of years between the disappearance of dinosaurs and the first appearance of proto-humanoids).
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes? Because bananas still grow on trees, obviously.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions? Which is a hypothetical question...
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? No, she cuts them off (applicable to shariya followers only!).
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation? I don't know, I'll ask me.
10. Is there another word for synonym? This is an erroneous question. The real question should have been "Is there a cure for synonym?"
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" To the bathroom, just like anybody else.
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant? Sue it.
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? No, but he can garnish your salad.
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? No, it would be called "dead".
15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them? It's to keep the clean riff-raff out.
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? No, he's a lizard.
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? No, they taste too good.
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent? No, they just beat him senseless, like anyone.
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? A trick question. Anyone who has done any amount of driving knows that there are many blind drivers on the road.
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs? Deer reeducation camps.
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread? Grilled mammoth steak.
22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people. Yes, I do!
23. How is it possible to have a civil war? You salute the enemy before you disembowel him.
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? Spam, spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam. What was the question?
25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? Only if it's Chinese pasta and antipasto.
26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? True.
27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in
it? Percy Grainger.
28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"? They used to be called "humorrhoids", but nobody thought they were funny.
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? We can't?!
30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Because otherwise no one would ever buy any more.
31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented? Clockwise or counterclockwise?
32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God? Yes, particularly if He bombards the atheist's house with brimstone.
Comments
So when he calls her.....
It's......
"Oy, Veigh!!"
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in
it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion
of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the
cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud
of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own
imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had
been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack
in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I
have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your
side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would
not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
look for the good in them.
SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!:tonguec:
By the way---hi and how are you?
Adiana:usflag:
Bill, the human resources representative at your local, friendly Wal-Mart had a job vacancy to fill. He had, on the premises, four applicants, each fully qualified for the position. So he called them all together into his office.
“First-off,” he said, “this is Wal-Mart and saving time is everything. In most places, the human resources officer would grant separate interviews for each candidate, but here we do things differently, to save time and money. As each of you four is equally qualified, let me suggest that we select the applicant that can answer most pointedly the question of the theme of our philosophy, which is to pass savings on to the consumer by increased efficiency brought on by saving time and money. Think for a minute or two about speed and efficiency. Say, what’s the fastest thing you can think of? On the basis of the best answer, that person will get the job.”
So, Bill (the human resources guy) gives them a few minutes to think. First he calls on Bob.
Bob says. “I guess it would be thought. You can think of things certainly much faster than you can actually do them.”
Bill: “Good, Bob. Now, Sally, it’s your turn.”
Sally says, “I’d say a blink (She illustrates by winking at Bill.). Yes, a blink is certainly quicker than a thought.”
Bill: “Good, Sally! Very good. Now, Mary Frances, what do you think?”
Mary Frances says, “Well, when I was a little girl, growing up on the farm –outside the back door about 500 yards was the barn. Now, to the left of that door was a light-switch, and when you switched it up, the lights on the barn would go on instantaneously, I mean, it was the speed of light.”
Bill: “Whoa, the Speed of Light? Purr-fect! Now, Bubba, can you beat that?”
Bubba belches and says, “Diarrhea.”
“Diarrhea?” says not only Bill, but also Bob, Sally and Mary Frances, almost in unison and not without some pronounced disbelief.
Bubba: “Yup. The other day I was standin’ at the frigidaire wondering why the door wouldn’t shut, and all of a sudden I had this SENSATION. And befur I could take any thought, blink, or even flick a derned switch, I crapped my pants so bad. I mean, you wouldn’t have believed it.”
The moral of the story is that Bubba is the new greeter at Wal-Mart.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I Could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth Time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
My Love fer you is like diarrhea:
I can't hold it in.
Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.
Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in 'em.
If you was a tree 'n I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in
yer hole.
You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's
only a light switch away.
Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep
til afternoon.
Yer face reminds me of a wrench:
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
sorry a little over the top but funny!
My mother was from Kentucky and I'm sure she fell for a couple of these...
-bf
I love you, man!
-bf
Believe me, I used to live in North Carolina, that Valley of Humility between two Giants of Conceit, namely South Carolina and Virginia. Even there, the good people of West Virginia were the butt of many jokes.
Like this one: D'ya hear that in West Virginia they put the high-beam/low beam switch back on the floor. Why? 'Cuz too many drivers were gettin' their legs all tied up in the steerin' wheel. (You might be a redneck if your car is on blocks and your house is on wheels.) (YA MIGHT be a redneck if you have to finance yer tatoos.)
His goal: transcend dental medication.
"Make me one with everything."
"Where is my change?" asked the Buddhist.
"Change can only come from within," said the vendor.
Fire trucks have four tires, and carry three men.
Three times four is 12.
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Mary is a ruler.
Queen Mary is also a ship.
Ships float in the ocean.
Fish live in the ocean.
Fish have fins.
The Russians fought the Finns in 1905.
The color for Russia was red.
Firetrucks are always rushin' so they should also be red.
Philosophy of Ambiguity
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity...
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people.
23. How is it possible to have a civil war?
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in
it?
28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented?
32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Palzang
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?
Because bananas still grow on trees, obviously.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Which is a hypothetical question...
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
No, she cuts them off (applicable to shariya followers only!).
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
I don't know, I'll ask me.
10. Is there another word for synonym?
This is an erroneous question. The real question should have been "Is there a cure for synonym?"
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
To the bathroom, just like anybody else.
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
Sue it.
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
No, but he can garnish your salad.
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
No, it would be called "dead".
15 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone
will clean them?
It's to keep the clean riff-raff out.
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
No, he's a lizard.
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
No, they taste too good.
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
No, they just beat him senseless, like anyone.
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
A trick question. Anyone who has done any amount of driving knows that there are many blind drivers on the road.
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?
Deer reeducation camps.
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Grilled mammoth steak.
22. One nice thing about egotists: They don`t talk about other people.
Yes, I do!
23. How is it possible to have a civil war?
You salute the enemy before you disembowel him.
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
Spam, spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam. What was the question?
25. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
Only if it's Chinese pasta and antipasto.
26. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
True.
27. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in
it?
Percy Grainger.
28. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of
"assteroids"?
They used to be called "humorrhoids", but nobody thought they were funny.
29. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
We can't?!
30. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Because otherwise no one would ever buy any more.
31. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he
become disoriented?
Clockwise or counterclockwise?
32. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Yes, particularly if He bombards the atheist's house with brimstone.
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."