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What is the best way to deal with people who hold a grudge?
AllbuddhaBound
Veteran
We normally speak on here about how to stop holding a grudge, but how do you deal with people who hold a grudge against you? When people hold a grudge, you can definitely do no right and you are pretty much always being discriminated against. Any excuse to lay blame and view your intentions in a negative light are jumped on, with little chance of redeeming yourself. This can be particularly true of self-righteous grudge holders.
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Could you be more specific?
There are many examples. People can even hold a grudge because they don't like your face. Don't like the way you dress. They can hold a grudge if they feel you have done something wrong. If they feel you have something they should have and don't. I am asking in a general way. What is the best approach people here have learned to deal with people who hold grudges in general.
If it was someone I could walk away from, I would do just that.
If I do not just ignore their jabs, being a very bad person myself, I just prick them with subtle jibes to reinforce their grudge until they either blow up or realize what's happening and go away.
It beats watching TV.
/Victor
EDIT: Alright. Sometimes the jibes are not that subtle. And I secretly laugh at them when they get angry.
EDIT2: Alright! Most times I just laugh at them openly or rather smirk at them infuriatingly.
@AllbuddhaBound , you can't control the other person's feelings. If they choose to hate you, they will hate you no matter what. Try to ignore it if possible would be my advice. They are the one holding on to the hot coal of rage, thus burning themselves, not you.
@victorious, just my opinion, you had better hope the person you are purposely infuriating is not prone to violence!
Although as an individual, we cannot change a person's feelings, things have been done in the past to end grudges against certain people. Minorities have been the victim of personal grudges for ages. Just look at the situation in Missouri. At least awareness has made people active enough to respond when they sense this discrimination. Without public knowledge and education, the discrimination goes on unabated.
If all else fails:
http://ts1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=HN.608035449454855420&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0I
It's more helpful to you to focus on the person who is holding a grudge against you than to dilute the pain you are in by making huge sweeping generalizations about 'people who hold grudges'. That's a bit of advice coming from personal experience.
There is a ton to be learned from a person who seems to, no matter what, dislike you or judge everything you do as having an evil or stupid intent
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What there is to learn is always about YOU, and very little about the other person. After all, you can do ZILCH about the other person's thoughts and behavior, but you can examine yourSELF. Not 'blame' yourself as so many people automatically think -- let's all grow up and get out of junior high school here
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So what does this person's behavior 'do' to you? How does it impact you? What kinds of feelings and thoughts arise in you, in response? Do you secretly believe this person is correct about you? Do you think they have lost their marbles and are just acting crazy? What do you think or believe triggered this behavior that is targeting you?
Again -- no blame or judgment. Just mindfulness in all it's honesty and compassion for yourself and the person targeting you
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Holding a grudge is a form of animosity, which is a mildly-diluted form of Hatred.
Hatred never ceases through Hatred, but by Love alone is it conquered. This is the eternal Law.
I have put this to the test on more than one occasion and it has never hitherto failed me, let me down or proven to be incorrect.
Whatever animosity, whatever unkindness, whatever resentment comes your way, respond to it with empathy and kindness.
Blows them out of the water.
Friend.
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Not many people are really that stupid.
From the Buddhist perspective, a grudge simply marks the limit of anyone's ability to understand & follow the truth behind the 4 NT.
Much of a meditation practice is discovering the more subtle ways in which we all hold grudges, and is observable through our habituated efforts to manipulate the phenomena around us instead of just accepting it for what it is.
A first step in dealing with any grudge is to first see it for what it is. A primal fear that we actually all share and need to work on. To the degree that you can face & address your own fears is the degree to which you can offer others a believable spiritual solution. To the degree that you can't address your own fears is the degree to which all you can offer is your inadvertent mimicry of their own difficulty.
The best way to be able to offer some skillful means to the issue of "how to deal with someone who is holding a grudge" is to be able to clearly manifest your own freedom from grudge holding.
Don't feed this demon, treat him with kindness and maintain your equanimity, his anger will shrink. If he maintains his anger, it's his to hold and his torment as well. What is up to him is not up to you, but your thoughts, words and actions are decidedly up to you, know the direction you want to go in your life and choose your words and actions predicated on this direction.
As you think so you become (paraphrasing the Buddha)
You become what you practice (paraphrasing Socrates)
When, for whatever reason, a person holds a grudge against me, and I am not to blame, or have apologized to no avail if I were, I simply let the person drop and ignore her.
Invariably the result has been that when whatever the reason for the grudge wears off, they come back by themselves.
Has happened to me with two close friends in the past years.
I cut all contact, ignored them, and after a while, they resumed contact by themselves.
I don't let other people's issues poison my system. I can't control their reactions, but can perfectly choose my own.
Don't sweat the small stuff over things that you can't change.
Good advice, DD.
I think the problem is that some people go negative in return. And as Richard Nixon said, "Others may hate you, but they don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself."
Someone else once said, "I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made them."
I think you have to balance that (which is absolutely, excellent advice) with gauging how much it impacts on your personal life. If harm is done, and the grudge-bearer begins bad-mouthing you to others within your circle, to a damaging extent, then it needs handling with care. But in many cases, it's true. Failing to take the bait and leaving them fishing a dry creek, works very effectively, 99% of the time....
I try to understand the nature of the grudge. If I can I would talk to the person holding the grudge and try to draw them out. Certainly whenever I have held a grudge I felt constrained and limited in freedom of movement as it were. I can eat a lot of humble pie if it leads to two happy people. But for sure a soft answer may not turn away rath. Indeed it may embolden the one holding the grudge.
People including ourselves sure are difficult.
It is why we as @how says, work on ourselves. Perhaps grudgingly we might admit we don't like people behaving negatively . . . When we change our approach our social interaction changes and that is hard because it has to come internally rather than in terms of superficial behaviour. We have to let be the grudging and discrimination. Changing others people behaviour comes from our change. That is not easy.
We also focus on what makes people like us. @federica gave a big clue. Again not easy.
In terms of karma we set off many of the condititions for future dukkha. This is why it is important to ignore the negative, bear it if you will and introduce ways to reinforce positive attributes in ourself and eventually others . . . For most of us this is a life practice. Good luck. :wave: .
It depends on your relationship with that person.
If you can, walk away. It is their burden, not yours.
If you can't walk away, because you are close to that person (by choice or necessity), consider forgiving them. This means taking their burden from them, which is a hard, compassionate choice, but ultimately the only path to healing.
As someone who is experiencing what I consider a grudge (from my own perspective, see my topic I posted), I can see it from another angle. In my case it is down to an abuse of trust, so I would prefer to be left alone and have space to myself. If it were someone just being unkind for no reason, either covering your ears to their words and pretending they dont exist is ok (up to a point, unless they do something physical to you) If it gets out of hand though, attempt kindness. If that doesnt work, try to see if you can call them out on their behaviour showing reason for your arguement as to why it is irrational and they should stop.
If that works, they will realize they are being foolish and may think about it, otherwise, you can just walk away. If it becomes physical though, theres laws about that
But it is best to keep a distance from them
Mind identified people hold grudges & they deserve your empathy, because they haven't learned how to not look back yet....I mean it does depend on what a person has done to them to cause the grudge, but if it's nothing really bad & you've apologised etc then they are mind identified & I'd leave them to their own devices until they realise how their making people feel....If it's someone you see often then use them for practice to see if you can find a way to stop allowing yourself to feel bad, because of their words or expressions etc.....It's not the person with the grudge that makes the other person feel bad, it's the other person making themselves feel bad. :-)