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How not to hate?
Susanna
Explorer
This week in the UK a couple of horrific murder cases have been reported. One in particular is preying on my mind as the picture of the victim looks very like my daughter, and I know I would want to kill anyone who harmed her. I've been quite shocked at the bloodlust expressed in people's comments about what they think should happen to the murderer, but part of me feels the same way. How do people cope with feelings like this? Should I just accept that they're natural human emotions and let them pass through me without becoming too attached to them?
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It seems to me your Buddha Wisdom just answered the question...
Yeah I think you hit it on the head in your last sentence.
Nobody said it was going to be easy...it took Buddha quite a long time and 'effort' to meditate in order to see the biggest picture possible. It's awfully hard to justify not justifying these horrors in our hearts and minds, that much I know, as well.
Start with demonstrating Compassion for yourself.
Do not denounce your feelings but acknowledge them, recognise them and accept what they are.
but remember this: Your emotions are not who you are.
They are a manifestation of a current mind-set, and that mind-set is not static.
You feel the things any natural mother would - and I too am a mum, and I too would have killed with my bare hands to protect my children.
I recognise the innate survival instinct that dominates when we consider the harm that could be done to our precious offspring.
Forgive yourself for feeling what comes naturally.
And forgive others because you know, not even so deep down, that manifesting hatred of that kind makes a mockery of our humanity, and betrays the love we have striven so hard to cultivate, for the hapless victims of their own suffering.
I don't think it is humanely possible to not hate someone who seriously harms your loved one or yourself. That "hate" is a natural energy that arises as a result of a threatening external event and has its uses. I think where Buddhism can help is shed some light on what those uses are.
Usually when we talk about "hate" we talk about an internalized negative emotional state in which one keeps on brewing. While in that state the world is seen through a very distorting lens, which makes it hard or impossible to live a healthy and happy life. There usually is a very understandable cause of these emotions-- the problem is not that these emotions arose but how they are being put to use (or rather not being put to use).
Since hatred comes from somewhere, as a reaction to a wrong of some type, the correct thing to do seems to be to use the arising emotional energy to right that wrong or to diminish it. For example it seems quite common for people who've experienced some type of extreme suffering, to form support groups to help those who've dealt with something similar. Or to start campaigns to change some unfortunate situation that contributed to the suffering. Instead of soaking in the juices of hatred in silence or acting impulsively, they channel their feelings in a helpful direction.
I think where Buddhism really helps is learning to see clearly and using every event in one's life as a learning opportunity and an opportunity to help others. Embracing oneself entirely, without cutting off the "bad parts", and understanding what this little self really is (or is not) in its entirety gives the freedom and power to live a better life.
I find that if you put your attention on the suffering of those who do the harming, it's much easier to not hate them. People harm others because they themselves are suffering. Putting your attention on the reason why they caused harm, AKA suffering, it allows you to feel compassion for those who do harm, rather than feeling hate for those who do harm. If those people weren't suffering, they would not be harming anyone to begin with.
Directing your attention in this manner the Buddha called it "appropriate attention" I think you could say. Dhammapada verses 3 and 4 echoes this sentiment.
So if you put your attention on only one aspect or one side of the situation: AKA "He struck me (them)", this is the cause for anger and hate to arise and linger, etc. If that is all you think about, the only thing that will arise in your mind is hate. Switching your attention to a thought that causes compassion to arise, AKA "they are suffering therefore they do harm", then the hate tends to go away and is replaced by compassion for those that do harm.
Recognize that as humans these emotions are natural but also as humans it is also possible to realize that negative emotions are conditioned reactions and if one does not hold onto them, they will soon pass. The result is peace and freedom from dukkha.
"Avoid all evils; do all that are good; purify one's mind. These are the teachings of all Buddhas."
I wonder if that's what Frank Zappa meant when said that broken hearts are for a##holes.
Here is an interesting story about repentance and redemption. It will most likely have a sad ending.
Opinion: Georgia death row inmate finds hope
http://www.cnn.com/2015/03/06/opinions/mcbride-georgia-death-row-inmate/index.html
My childhood was shaded by mental and physical violence. I got beaten by my stepfather because he had got beaten by his father. Bad karma and suffering that may reborn over and over. I have three children who are adult now. They have lived a safe life, but they have suffered more or less for the sake of my suffering for sure. Hate and fear keep hate and fear alive.
Hate and fear keep hate and fear alive.
-There it is...
I began working my way through such feelings by accepting them and then sending concentrated intention that they get what they deserve. I just refrained from having a preset belief about what it is that they deserve and let kamma work it out.
"How not to hate"
Metta Meditation
Yes.
Is there anyone here who has not been physically or emotionally hurt?
It is as has been so well pointed out, possible to develop positive metta emotions. To understand and empathise and have compassion with hurt people because of our Dukkha/pain.
Increase In Love
Sufi saying
Hate is always a cover-up to hide our pain.
Buddhists practice mindfulness, so when you become aware of hate within you, open to the underlying pain. Generate compassion for yourself that you attachments and aversions give rise to this pain, relax INTO your pain (no, this is not the same as trying to get rid of it, as if we could ever get rid of it). And then generate compassion for those unskillful beings who, mistakenly thinking that their actions would result in happiness for themselves, have done something to hurt another living being.
"Just like me, all beings want happiness and do not want unhappiness".
So, as you connect with your own suffering, remind yourself that this is no different from the suffering that they too felt. We are all in the same boat.
Feel compassion for yourself for hurting, for the injured party for hurting, and for the perpetrator for hurting.
Very true, I saw a lot of that in social work, and in myself.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sacca/sacca4/samma-vayamo/
I believe that the Buddhism doesn't argue about reality. The Buddha probably experienced everything we are encountering. We are in contact with this world and emotions such anger or hate are just part a of it. But it is how we navigate those experiences with calmness and peace that makes the difference.
Precisely. That is the crux of the matter.
Not 'what'.
'How'.
Thank you @FoibleFull for this insight. It's really helping me as I deal with my complex feelings toward my own mother.