What to do?!!
Earthninja
WandererWest Australia Veteran
Hi Sangha, I thought I'd just share my ramblings with any who are silly enough to read this.
What to do anymore? I feel like I'm falling, falling into the unknown. There is fear, there is joy.
I watch the body moving, words arising from seemingly nowhere. Did I decide to say that? At what point was the decision made? There wasn't one, words just came. Fear.
Breathing is happening, heart is beating, sounds are arising. No doer can be found! Anxiety arises, judgements, doubts, fear. No control anywhere.
I go to play on the play station because "I enjoy play station" awareness turns in on thoughts. "Who just said that?" Again awareness is mercilessly scrutinising the thoughts.
The mind is trying everything to distract itself?! Chris is me right? I've lived with Chris my whole life, the good times and the bad but where is he?
Is he just an uncontrollable thought pattern? Completely intimate but somehow lifeless?!
Where is this Chris right now? Nothing but blood, bones, breathing, elevated heart beat.
Looking at hands happens, whose hands are these?! "Ofcourse they are mine" again just thoughts!
"Who or what am I?!?" Again just thoughts! They arise without any control.
Oscillation is now happening between the life of Chris and awareness turning around and scrutinising beliefs.
My hobbies, whose hobbies? The bodies hobbies? The Brains hobbies? Nope nobody.
Awareness is in the body, feels so animal like now. Blood pumping, breathing, sensations.
Enlightenment?!? For who? For what?
"I must keep my shit together, I've got a pregnant wife and I'm a manager at work" - thoughts observed again! Did I think that?! Nope. They arise by themselves.
And so what to do? What can an imaginary character do? Nothing.
What are my goals in life? Whose goals? Aaaaah shit.
It's hard being both nobody and somebody. The mind is holding on the edge of the cliff. The ground is gone.
Thanks for reading by rambling, I kinda just wanted to vent. If I put this on Facebook I would have the psychologist at my door tomorrow. 
You guys are awesome. Everything is ok here. Hope you guys are well!
Comments
The groundlessness and anchorlessness that sometimes arises with meditation practice can be pretty startling and even scary. At the same time though, it's liberating and insightful, don't you think?
Also, there's nothing wrong with seeing a psychologist if that's what you think you need. I never understood the stigma surrounding improving one's mental health. You wouldn't be ashamed to see a GP if you had breathing issues, why is it any different to see a therapist/psychologist for other issues?
One thing good about kids and being a parent is that they assist what may be the one and only usefulness to Buddhist practice: Get over yourself.
I think it's safe to say...we've all gone through periods of that. You described it pretty well. I agree with genkaku....when the baby comes....whether your a bag of bones or a mushy Chris...the baby needs to eat and wants to play....and wifee needs help with chopping wood...I mean, the dishes.
Thanks for sharing.
Don't talk to your wife about this. She'll hate it. She needs you to be grounded and solid for the baby.
To me, you are a unique aspect of our true nature in the process of awareness.
You don't have to be nobody and somebody at the same time but only you can experience what we are from your point of view.
The middle way between the two truths doesn't have to be a double life but we cannot unsee it. We need to have a healthy balance between the extremes of nobody and somebody especially if we have others that depend on us.
Even if there is no solid ground, you can stand. There is no changing that change will happen but we can guide it to a degree and that can be some powerful shit.
Think of yourself as an explorer or even a spy. You exist in the relative world solely for the sake of adding perspective and healthy growth to the absolute.
As far as we know we only have this one chance to exist like this and whatever it is to not exist like this isn't going anywhere so just try to relax.
Love your wife and children at least as much as you love the Buddhist process because there is no disconnect there.
Remember that when he woke up, Buddha headed back towards the Gotamas when he could have gone any direction.
I think that may have been the first time I swore on this forum.
Sorry Sangha, I owe you a quarter.
I think 'shit' is ok, if it's not directed at someone in an insulting way.
We don't do that kinda shit round here.
Just be patience and practice kindness and compassion
Over intellectualising things will just do your brain in.....
Well said.
Same here.
Very well, thanks.
First of all, congratulations on the baby underway, Chris!!!
All your deconstruction could also be your unconscious reaction to the rather upsetting und rather unhinging experience of knowing you'll become a father soon.
There is a lot of excitement but also many misgivings about the fact of becoming a parent.
Believe me: nothing like those first sleepless months to either unhinge you completely, or bring you back to your senses -whatever that may be...
And if you think it's screwing with you now, just wait til you're teaching your little one labels.
You'll catch yourself saying "that's your nose" or "that's an apple" and it will feel weird.
I have to say "We call that an apple".
It's funny.
Now there's some wisdom for you.
I have very distinct conversations between me/Kim, WhateverElseIsInThere, and my body. I can read my body well (whoever I is, I'm not sure which part, lol) and when I run or make food choices the other I often needs to tell the Kim-I to shut up and give up the fight and let the body do what it needs to do, and take in what it needs to take in. That Kim's need to stop exercising or to eat oreos isn't really a need,and I'm not going to give it weight in my life. I do this constantly. I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes, the other non-Kim-self I, and the body, come together pretty well and shut down the Ego-Kim. But there is still some other deeper levels there that I can't access in daily life. It's a strange thing. I don't share it with others in my life, either. I've asked my kids "don't you ever wonder who, exactly, is producing your bizarre thoughts?" and they just look at me like "Ma lost it." lol.
Though my oldest is 18, and I had him sit a few minutes and just observe his thoughts no matter what they were, even thinking I was crazy. Then asked him "So, someone was aware of the thoughts you were having, and decisions can be made about what to do with those thoughts and what to give credence to and so on...who is that?" And he looked at me with that look kids get when you can tell the gears are turning. Love that!
I iz silly?
As @karasti says the monkey mind is very real. Not us but us. Dependent origination in action. Samsara going ape.
So we sit and become very aware of monkey mind.
Where is the value in expressing the monkey mind? The value is very practical in the noting type meditations and any meditation in the initial stages.
Here is a message from my sponsor Mr Cushion ...
Hahahah thanks guys, @Invincible_summer I don't think a psychologist would help unless they were buddhist haha. They wouldn't understand. I've talked to a friend whose a psychologist, we share ideas and everything I say goes against what she was taught etc.
It feels like Chris is disappearing somehow?! I don't think it has to do with me being a father, I'm really exited about it. This started before my wife was pregnant but it is gaining momentum recently. It's like the mind is being cornered, lots of fear rising up.
There is an undercurrent that everything is fine, really guys. The body is fine, work is great and @robot I don't talk to my wife about this stuff.
@DhammaDragon thanks
I'm really exited about being a father. To be honest I don't think it's the fatherhood because I never really react to something that hasn't happened yet, I believe it's more due to self inquiry but the fear/doubts could be exaggerated because I've got to keep it together now 
@robot it's all good externally mate. I don't bother her with buddhist stuff haha.
@ourself "Even if there is no solid ground, you can stand. There is no changing that change will happen but we can guide it to a degree and that can be some powerful shit."
Certainly seems that way... The one who guides is what? It's the same guy. Imaginary.
the body is still standing, but I am not haha.
@lobster yes monkey mind is both us and not us.
observing is good however scary.
Thanks for the feedback guys, I really appreciate it all. It's very hard to put this into sensible words so I just rambled instead.
What a great game this is right? Life!
Oh heck, why didn't you just say "Life!" and leave it at that? We'd have all understood you in an instant, then!!
That's interesting. Lots of therapists around here are quite open to if not practicing lots of Mindfulness-based therapy techniques since that's the hot trend now. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can also be more mindfulness-based and effective (I did it to help my anxiety disorder, which it did in spades and got me on the meditation wagon).
I found my therapist to be very knowledgable about Buddhism and meditation. She is originally from India, though. I'm not sure how much the average Western therapist or psychiatrist has been exposed to meditation and Eastern philosophy/religion in their training. CBT and meditation do seem to be quite trendy these days though, based on what I've seen on-line.
@Invincible_summer I'm more talking about Anicca and Anatta / emptiness teachings.
mindfulness is great
Nothing. Just letting go.
How important is it to you that someone understands these core Buddhist concepts? It's possible that because you're looking for a solution that is within a "Buddhist" (in quotations because it's however you define Buddhism) framework, you may be limiting finding ease in a variety of ways.
"This too shall pass"
For me these are not buddhist concepts but an observable reality. One, 6 billion people don't see as fact. Especially non self. Trying to explain that to a psychologist might cost me a lot of money
Do you see what I'm getting at? Telling a psychologist I don't exist might not end well. Id rather talk to you guys! 
It's not about finding ease, it's about accepting things as they are. That's what I'm trying to do, it's all really chaotic at the moment and my world is upside down but it's ok. Somehow feels right.
"Dr, Dr, I don't exist ..."
"Who said that?"
Your initial post was just stream of conciousness. Monkey mind written down. Monkey mind in an ape body. Part of the power of formal sitting is finding one mirrors the other.
We are our body manifested in Mind. Well I am, one day I hope to be human. I iz ambitious.
I think we're dealing with semantics here - I use the term 'concepts' because everything is a concept but it just depends on what you put more belief into.
Accepting things as they are is a form of ease to me, which is why I used the term.
@Invincible_summer no worries
thank you
The sandcastle has already been built. It ain't time yet to stop playing.