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Living alone
dantepw
Veteran
Do you think it is possible to be mentally healthy by living by yourself and having pretty much no social life at all?
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That depends.
Can one slowly cultivate a 'Hermit' mentality?
There's a huge difference, for example, between someone who decides to dedicate their lay life to living in spiritual seclusion, only interacting with others as necessary through daily living needs, and one who becomes socially reclusive due to psychological issues (hoarding, keeping numerous cats in confined unsanitary conditions....)
If it's a 'sane' choice, yes.
If it's based on a mental/emotional imbalance, then, no.
@dantepw by choice I live alone, have done for near on 17 years, and in this time I've gotten to know my self quite well, in fact I would say my self & "I" are now close friends
, I don't drink alcohol,smoke or eat animal flesh...(These at times I've found are key ingredients for social gatherings)
I'm not anti-social, that is, on a need to bases I interact with society at large, ie, work, (I volunteer at two community service organisations along with the odd work I do in the city once a month), I go to a local Buddhist group meeting once a week, and once a month attend a local Dharma Talk...
Plus I interact with my children regularly (skype, viber, etc) the boys live overseas and my daughter in another city...
It's kinda like a long term retreat...I'm content with my living arrangement/life style, it suits my nature...
Am I mentally healthy ??? If you call a deep felt contentment mentally healthy then yes I am...
It's hard to say what others would feel (how they would cope) if they found them selves in a similar position to my self ...I just made to most of the situation I found my self in, ie, used it to my advantage........By getting to know my self intimately which helps me to understand others better....
@Shoshin that is awesome, very inspiring! Dont you ever miss someone to share your life with?
No not really @dantepw,
In the beginning it was not easy, there was a sense of deep felt loneliness, the loneliness that comes from the attachment of having lived with the illusion of a permanent unchanging self, a self that clung to the notion of separation which more often than not lead to self pity ...
The more I chipped away at this sense of a permanently abiding unchanging self ( using meditation as the tool ) the more interconnected I felt to other sentient beings..
In a sense, nowadays I 'share' my life with others (all the beings I interact with) and many share their lives with me...I share in their happiness, their sadness,their joy, their pain...Knowing that it's all short lived "anicca" ....
I have lived alone for many years and I am really content with it. It is important for me to spend time with friends though.
I did a lot of solitary retreats years ago. The longest was 2-months and by the end of that one I really didn't want to come back to "civilisation". There is a great peace and simplicity about solitude, also you get to know yourself really well.
Associatively, this topic makes me think of a self-imposed early-warning system I used to use in Zen practice:
"Sitting alone bestows great power, but is at risk of pride. Sitting in a group confers balance, but risks laziness."
FWIW
I find meditating with other people quite distracting these days! Bah humbug to group sits.
@SpinyNorman -- Two [group sit] snippets aroused here ... at the risk of derailing the OP:
The metaphor of the Chinese potato farmer who, when his potatoes had matured, gathered them in a burlap bag and threw them into a stream. The current forced the potatoes to rub against each other ... and become clean.
A conversation with a long-standing student at a time when I was into my bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed, go-get-'em phase of Zen practice at the Zen center we both attended. I said, "I find it easy to love the people here, but I find it harder to like them." "That's odd," she replied. "I find it easy to like them but hard to love them."
Tee hee, even sitting still in total silence, people are 'noisy' ...
Great insights.
I think the most difficult barrier is indeed dealing with loneliness at first, as @Shoshin said. I should give it a go for like 1 week and see how it turns out
I lived with someone for 20 yrs or so, but I never got the hang of sharing everything the way some couples do. It got me in trouble eventually.
Now I've lived alone for more than 10 years which suits me. Apart from the 4 months that I'm forced to spend with a crewman on the boat each year. As an older man solitude makes sense. I dont need any help and there are things I want to do for myself.
I think there is a good chance that living alone with little social life is not healthy for a younger person. Or perhaps it is an unhealthy mental state that results in that situation.
Of course it can be a healthy choice for some rare individuals.
My cousin is a perfect hermit and he is the happiest/wisest person I have ever met. He doesn't feel any jealousy/anger/anxiety at all. It's amazing how mindful he is and how much he takes his time to do whatever, and he is free of spiritual paths/religions (he doesn't even know what buddhism is but he's totally one in my perspective, as I've told him once hahaha).
He was diagnosed with non-severe autism (he can talk/touch other people, even though he rather not to), I suppose that is the cause why he loves being alone.
I'm not sure if he's wise because he spends most of his time by himself or if he spends most of his time by himself because he is wise, lol.
@dantepw be careful.... the moment one sets a deadline, especially regarding doing something they already feel could be an unpleasant experience eg, " I'll give it a week!" they could well be setting them self up for failure...
I think it's best to just do it with no expectations/conditions attached...this way you won't feel let down, ie, beat your selve up, should you not keep to the deadline...
@Shoshin Interesting point. Thank you for sharing your perspective, it's very nice to hear from others!
"Solitude, I have observed
is necessarily reserved
for times I need to briefly slip
society's confining grip.
Alone, I delve within myself
and clear off cluttered mental shelf
of petty hurt and irritation -
all the dross of obligation.
When even silken bonds of care
for those I love are hard to bear
I put aside my daily roll:
In solitude I air my soul."
by me, many years ago.
People adjust. I'm an introvert and I expect most people who post here are, too. I am happy living alone, as happy as I was living with my wife for all those years. I have my books, my hobbies, my dogs and my writing. It's not a better or worse life, just different. But, there are limits. I still call and talk to family. I have people like here and on facebook and my fellow writers from over the years that I email to, and they're a friendly voice in the distance to remind me I'm part of society.
Living alone is not the same as solitary confinement. There are definite limits.
Nice poem @Cinorjer
it really captures the experience...
Because the idea of a "Soul" can be somewhat controversial ...
) :
I hope you don't mind, I've tweaked/made a slight adjustment to the ending (in my mind that is
"I put aside my daily roll:
In solitude I air my sole."
ie, go for a walk
( a slight shift in perspective and letters-but still captures the experience-for the soulless ie like my soulless self
)
Today I would write:
...I put aside the daily grind.
In solitude, I air my mind.
How's that?
We come into the world, we truly travel our paths alone, and we go out of this world alone.
A lot of what we are told we need is distraction from that. People need some sort of social interaction, if you believe the experts and studies. What that is for each person varies. But at the core of life, we are alone and I tend to agree with Trungpa when he says it's best to make friends with that idea. When you do, the idea of it becomes easier and you often find yourself more open to share with others because you are lacking that manufactured societal expectation of what it means to share your life with others.
Someone who lives alone is far more able to share their lives with others, in a different way, than someone like myself with a husband and 3 kids. Not that one is necessarily better than the other, of course. I love having a family. But a lot of my reasons for having one was based on the fear of being alone, and I wouldn't recommend that as a way to start a relationship or a family. I'm lucky it worked out as well as it did. But honestly, I am almost 40 and I have never been alone. I've never lived alone. In high school of course I lived at home. In college I spent most of the year in the dorm. Then that following summer I moved in with my boyfriend and I lived with him for a dozen years. When our relationship ended, children and obligations meant we kept a household together even though I slept on the couch. Eventually we both met other people, and I moved into another place with my now-husband. I missed out on that chance to have that time alone. To set up a space that was only mine the way I wanted. To learn the life I wanted to life and to bring someone else into that eventually. I've instead had to always make something work with other people in mind. It's hard. I have a hard time keeping our home the way I want because I don't know what I want it to be. I wish I had done it differently.
What do you think you are missing out on by not sharing a life with someone? What has taught you that you need those things?
I'd just like to point out that anyone with a dog is never alone.
With a cat, yes.
A dog? Never.
It's a good question, and of course there are different degrees of sharing. I've met quite a lot of couples over the years where it seemed they were staying together because they were afraid to be alone.
I think we are also conditioned - or even maybe, biologically programmed - to remain within close distance of other beings. We have always had this 'safety in numbers' community/tribal urgency, to keep within an enclave, a gathering or community.
It happens with clubs, associations, religions, everything. You can't escape from it, almost, particularly in this era where communication is faster and more efficient than it has ever been. Satellite tracking means that if you have an operational mobile phone, you might even be in the remotest part of the world, and they might still be able to pinpoint your location.
We want to 'belong'.
Even if it's to that small, elite list of people who made it entirely on their own.
Solitude is in itself, a closet group of specialist individuals....
That depends on what you define as "healthy."
At the risk of sounding judgmental, I'd say that being more or less isolated would warp the sense of what is "healthy" and affect one's interactions with people when one decides to interact with others.
Can it be done without needing to be institutionalized? Sure. I'm sure many do it. It's just that, from my experience, a lack of socialization tends to exacerbate anti-social behaviour, since one isn't used to socializing. Just like with dogs - those who aren't properly socialized tend to scare other people/dogs because they don't have acceptable reactions to things. The comparison may be crass, but I've noticed it in myself and others.
But if you don't care, then I guess it's "healthy" for yourself. Maybe not to others. Depends on what your priorities are, I suppose.
@Invincible_summer after contemplating into this subject and seeing everybody's opinion in here, I believe it is just about equilibrating, as Buddha always said, finding the middle way!
I don't think now that living by yourself is something bad. But letting go completely of family/friends/social life does sound quite harmful and unhealthy, in my opinion.
I think you got it there.
Well, that's generally true, but there are scads of dysfunctional families and intensely abusive family members - what abuse isn't, eh? Getting away is sometimes the only way to save yourself in those situations...it's a matter of luck and general intelligence that can turn your life around, and some will end up surrounded by loving people and some aren't so lucky. I've always felt that life is just one big ol' crap shoot. I've lived alone off and on, and there were 2 very special times in my life when I had lots of peeps in my life and it was good to great (the 2nd time, I lived alone) - but all the times I lived alone were drama-free for the most part. Independence is pretty cool.
I would always prefer to be alone than to live with abusive, manner less or kind of people which are not good to be around.
"The one who keeps company with fools
Will be sorry for a long time.
It's painful to live with fools,
Like being always with an enemy.”
When my girlfriend went on a month long trip to visit her family, I initially had a terrible time adjusting to being alone. I'd never really lived alone so it sort of shocked me. After I cried for awhile I started listening to music and "nesting." I'd put on music and re-arrange the house and buy things to decorate. After two or three weeks I really was in my own groove and felt very secure and comfortable. This was at a time I wasn't very social and spent a lot of the time alone at home. I had adjusted so much that I had to adjust again to living with someone.
A sort of off-topic side story...during the time I was alone I ran across a huge cockroach in my house, it was the biggest I'd ever seen. My girlfriend usually would take the bugs out. I brought out a box and a broom and as I was trying to scoop it into the box I scared myself so bad that I clenched a butt muscle so hard that I pulled my butt muscle out of place, I didn't even know that was possible! and it hurt sooo bad I could hardly stand! I very awkwardly managed to get it out. My butt muscle hurt for awhile though.
Too easy, @inyo.
That was a difficult time for you, butt...you'll...be..better...soon. (she's back now, right?)
@silver haha yes
I've spent the last 3 months alone. New job in a far-away state, wife with contractual obligations (she'll move here next month). I moved out of a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood in a spectacularly beautiful location to a cheap shabby one bedroom apartment with a sleeping bag, a microwave, a guitar, and two bicycles. I have not sought or created a social life. Perhaps knowing that this is a transitional state makes it tolerable, but it doesn't feel "tolerable" -- it feels really just fine. It feels like other times in my life when I've been quite alone. I expected misery, but it's perfectly satisfactory.
I think some people are just wired this way. I didn't do any emotional preparation and it doesn't feel like I'm particularly enduring anything. Just living my life, going to work, learning my way around the local environment. It doesn't feel healthy or unhealthy, good or bad.
There are all kinds of things you learn to do when you live by yourself.