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How did you fall in love with the one you are with now?
mmo
Veteran
Hi friends,
As the title suggests, I am asking you a very personal question. 
please don't mind me.
I want to meet someone, but don't really have much experience in dating.
On top of that, I am a shy person in a different culture, which I think definitely gets in the way.
I find males put much importance on the physical chemistry when dating. It is something which I find a bit of struggle for me.
I like to develop trust first. Only based on trust, something can be developed for that. Is it what people do in western countries or do I need to meet more people?
Thank you. 
3
Comments
online dating sites is an idea. myself and some others I know had success there.
I think the issue for me is not about meeting people. It is more about not being familiar with the process.
I knew Mrs. Walker for a long time before we started dating. I went to school and hung out with her older brothers. There was quite a bit of flirting with each other before I actually asked her out. We started dating and I asked to marry me after a few weeks. We were married about six months later. That'll be 20 years ago next September.
Our courtship would not have been so quick if we hadn't known each other (and each other's families) so well beforehand.
I don't know that there is a certain process. I guess you could read things but I never did and just let instinct be there. I think it's important to share fun things to do and to talk to each other and get to know them.
20 years is actually some time ago.
people have changed I guess.
@mmo
Right back at ya
I think being able to answer some basic questions about "love" is a good place to start.
Is there really a difference between self and other in the presence of love?
Can you love another, more or less, than you can love yourself?
What is the same or different, in loving oneself compared to loving someone else?
I think it varies based on your personality and the person you eventually find. I think it's pretty hard to plan to meet someone.
I met my husband (who is 9 years younger than me so there was some awkwardness initially) at work 10 years ago. We got married 8 years ago. He was obnoxious and annoying and I was not excited to be seated next to him at work. But he grew on me, lol. It took quite a while, many months, before we really started to get to know each other well. He is very slow to develop trust, but once he offers it, it is fully and completely. I had to work really hard to gain that but I'd never do anything to breach it.
The best advice IMO is to be you and do what you love to do. You are much more likely to find someone who fits into your life doing that, than by trying to be someone else to attract a partner. And it is true that the more you cling to an idea of something, the less likely you are to find what you actually want. Because your expectation and ideal can blind you from possibilities that are in your life already. When you let go of looking, that is when someone will find you, because you will be open to them without searching and without trying.
I was living in Florida and traveled to Boston to visit a friend. Upon arriving at the airport, a blizzard hit and the airport was shut down for 2 days. I gathered my belongings and was walking around looking for a corner of the airport to camp up, until the reopen. I saw a group of 3 men already sprawled out, looking relaxed and one of them in the group had his headphones on. I set my gear close by, and after a couple of hours, we were talking, playing cards, etc. Eric asked if I liked music and asked if I wanted to hear what he had been listening to. I was by his side for the next days, until the flights went off. He went back to NY, and I went back to Florida. 2 years later, his job transferred him to Memphis, and I came to set up house with him.
20 years later....here we are.
Thanks for taking me down memory lane.
.
He was listening to Simply Red, Holding Back the Years. xoxo
Sorry...I was in my love feelings there, hahaha.
Chances and circumstances of meeting anyone, friend, lover, etc are really out of your control. Yes, work on your shyness some, and put yourself in social situations that might bring people together. Have you dated outside your culture before?
"How did you fall in love with the one you are with now?"
It was love at first sight ...When I came to
My wife and I met at work and were friends for 4 years before we went out.
We got drunk together and had a pash on the dance floor......the rest (as they say) is history!
Just remember that whoever you decide to date / marry will change over time. This is natural. My wife and I were discussing it last night as some friends of ours are divorcing because she changed and he didn't.
Good luck! If I were still looking I'd definitely try online dating. It's a good filter.
It may sound contrite, but I don't think it's a thing you can plan on. I met my husband at a convention, we hit it off. We didn't date right away, we were just friends. After a couple years he said he was interested in a romantic relationship. I was shy and younger than him, so I was hesitant. But we took it slow, we knew each other really well from being friends, and after a couple years of being a couple we got married.
That was 15 years ago.
I think there's too much pressure put on needing to "meet someone" at a young age. Just let it happen, or not happen. I think it's best when it's not rushed.
Anyway, that's just my opinion.
I was out with friends at a pub and I bumped into my now wife. We got talking and exchanged numbers.
I took her to the beach for an awkward first date.
We carried on talking and the walls slowly came down and we got on really well.
And then date 2, 3...
7 years later married with a newborn.
If I were to look for a new relationship and I didn't have one already, I would probably so these things.
1) Go to the gym and train! You feel a whole lot better about yourself. You meet people there and it's a great environment.
2) Get a hobby that is social, like paddle boarding or something. You meet great people and then you may invited to social parties and get together a.
3) do stuff that you love to do, happy people are attractive people.
4) put yourself out there, but not too hard.
How did I fall in love? Hard and unexpectedly. I met my wife when we were both in our early 30s and both had gone through one disastrous marriage at an early age. At first, like any couple, we were just going on a couple of dates and having a good time together. Then one day I was out of town and realized I missed her terribly when she wasn't around. I knew I was in love when I knew it would break my heart not to have her in my life. It came as a big surprise on my part. I wasn't looking for a wife.
Neither of us were much to look at. Neither of us were very outgoing or had lots of friends. I guess we found what we were looking for in each other. If you don't believe there's someone for everyone, just stand in front of a Walmart store and watch the couples as they come and go. Physical beauty is way, way down on the list of things to worry about.
We were married for over 20 years. Some sort of virus took her a few years ago. Thank you for giving me a chance to talk about that wonderful woman again.
I've never fallen out of love. Just never figured I had to narrow it down.
Us Aussies are so classy
My story is eerily similar LOL
@mmo, falling in love is not always an action; most of the time it's a process.
You can be smitten by the presence of a person, and they can be smitten by yours, but this is known as (even during mere dating) 'The Honeymoon Period'. In other words, the fact of being with someone who moves your emotions positively,gives you butterflies and makes you lose your appetite and think of no-one else.....
After a while, this initial period calms down, and life begins to adopt a more.... 'normal' continuity. But you still thrill when you see them after a separation, and you still look forward to seeing them again a moment after you part.....
Love is constructive; A person who loves you will put you first, and consider your feelings, and understand what makes you tick.
Sure, there will be ups and downs, spats and arguments, but the secret of a good relationship, relies on the three main stalwarts of all and any relationship:
Effective and constructive COMMUNICATION
RESPECT - Both for one's partner AND one's self.
TRUST.
Any relationship which compromises your contentment, peace of mind and dignity - is not one to stay in. If any treatment of you, by your partner, makes you feel sad, controlled, helpless and confused, then this is not love. This is ownership.
And nobody has a right to 'Own' anyone else.
Love is the freedom to commit willingly, and to cultivate Joy through togetherness, while still enjoying the freedom and independence of being a human, in a big world.....
Thanks everyone for your contribution.
@how, yes, I believe I have grown out of my last failed relationship. The way i know is that I start to look at where I am at. And look after my health, my job and people who care about. I think those are the signs that I love myself and I am ready for sharing with someone else.
@Karasti, thanks for sharing your experiences, I do put myself out there. I don't try to be someone else. But the guy needs to open up as well. I will see what other options out there.
@Vastmind You are welcome. I guess you are extremely lucky to meet your one that way.
@Shoshin I hope things don't start that way. Otherwise, I will have to hit him equally in his head also, to be equal.
@Bunks Oop. Lovely. Something to laugh about.
@racerska, I don't want it to sound like a plan. But I feel that I am ready. I have loads of reasons to find someone loveable. But I need to go through certain stages as well, before I find myself smitten.
@Earthninja, you are also one of those lucky ones then. The thing is I don't really go to pubs.
That actually do lower my chances.
@Cinorjer, I guess I would be like that, if I ever meet him. I don't really look for looks. But most of the males are. Probably, they look for flings, not a lasting one. Following the Buddhist path, I find myself becoming a lot more practical.
I don't know if it is related or not. I have definitely changed. I don't really dream about someone who look like underwear model. But I do expect him to know how to take care of himself.
@federica, as always, your posts are very thoughtful. I will take all your points as guideline. I agree that there have to be a process, where both of us need to earn the trust of the other person. Sharing all those goods and uglies.
One option is to join things, groups, clubs, activities, stuff which interests you. People have even been known to meet somebody nice in their Buddhist sangha.
@mmo " I don't really look for looks. But most of the males are. Probably, they look for flings, not a lasting one."
Heh. Every man has something that turns him on, and something that turns him off. Yes. I suspect it's the same for women. But, it's not the same for everyone, and it's not always physical and almost never what society claims is attractive to the opposite sex.
For instance, if you're afraid being overweight according to social standards will keep someone from being attracted to you, just do a quick search on the internet and see all the (ahem) adult sites catering to men who are turned on by women that are labeled "obese" by their doctors. Unfortunately, men are reluctant to open up about their actual preferences. My wife was not a beauty who ever turned a head but she was the sexiest woman I'd ever met behind bedroom doors - to me.
What all men look for in a mate, at least the men that are worth actually getting to know, is someone they can trust to be themselves around and who has their back when trouble comes calling. If that's the type of woman you are, then if you get out there someone will find you. That's all I can offer in relationship advice.
Remember that when possible, expand your horizons. That is why online dating can be so nice-your audience is much bigger. The world is a very, very big place. There is quite a chance that your partner isn't in your home town/area. Mine wasn't. I had to move to find him (though of course I didn't know that at the time and it wasn't why I moved). Live your life full of joy and freedom. To be able to offer that to another person is huge, but some people are afraid of it. They don't want freedom in a relationship, they want clinging and attachment because that is what society often tells us a relationship is.
I can't even tell you how many times people I am close to wanted something so badly and couldn't get it. Then they finally "gave up" and lived their life and suddenly,there was what they had been waiting and looking for. From partners to children to job opportunities, it happens over and over again. I'm not saying you are actively planning and searching someone out or anything
It's just that there is no real answer to how to find love. It usually finds us.
Falling in love and the awkward moments had by all.....
Benny Hill's "Garden of Love" ....tips for falling in and out of love
What is she wearing?
Polka dot dress with hoop wire petticoat The clip was from the late 1950s early 60s
Good questions. Self love is not conceit, it is accepting someone we are intimate and knowing of. This really means we can maturely accept others as being flawed but lovable.
In a strange interdependent way, we are always married to self, the world and others. Learning to be kind, friendly and accepting is an ongoing relationship we are always presented with ...
Ours was love at first sight.
My coffee dropped out of my hands when I first saw her and someone had to point it out to me - repeatedly, because I was gone. It wasn't beauty, though there was enough of that. It was recognition. I knew.
There is a good book out there that I've read, because I'm a fan of the author - not because I was looking. She is a Buddhist herself and the title is, Be The Person You Want To Find, by Cheri Huber. I would recommend it.
I first met my wife in high school and (in retrospect) I felt that same recognition but it was as if I also knew there was no hurry. I'm not sure if we would have survived had we got together then - my career as a wandering minstrel was not good for long term committed relationships.
I did not see her for fifteen years after high school until my father got sick. When I went to visit him in the hospital she was his nurse. We were married five years after that and have been for almost twenty-five years.
She does not consider herself a Buddhist or anything else other than herself. She just lives the Dharma as a natural part of her existence. She is the kindest, most caring, giving and loving person I have ever met.
I made an effort through self study and mindfullness to reach a point in my life where I was truly happy with myself and my life with or without anyone else in it, then I happened to meet someone who was a perfect match for me and we became best friends as well as husband and wife. Coincidence? Maybe. However I would recommend to anyone that they search for happiness within themselves before seeking it from other sources or other people; much more likely to last longer and withstand the challenges of life.