Being there for those who suffer most
RuddyDuck9
MD, USA Veteran
A little background: my mother has Breast CA exacerbated by chemotherapy and my grandfather is very very slowly dying from a throat condition which leaves him unable to eat except via flank access feeding tube. Both Mom and Grandfather are tired, without drive, and depressed much of the time, which makes it difficult for them to see the positive in life. Needless to say they aren't much fun to be around, because their conditions are so miserable. Neither is in immediate danger, and I feel the need to provide companionship/ love/ comfort when I can, but the problem is... they make me SO SAD and anxious!
GPa is always angry, lashing out and accusing people without cause, not to mention he forgets much of what he takes in, then uses the forgotten item as "proof" that someone is taking advantage of him.
Mom is lethargic (mainly from the chemo) and always complaining about things she cannot change (and things which have nothing to do with her cancer). Sometimes she reminds me more of a toddler having tantrums than a grown mother of three. I understand her frustration to an extent, but cannot seem to get through to her in a way that helps.
They are exhausting to be around for any length of time. I often avoid them because of this, and then feel guilty. Where is the Middle Way here? I want to be a comfort, but have little to no success. Are there specific suttas about this type of suffering? 
Comments
I wouldn't worry too much about getting them to see things a different way. That is up to them and they are not in a place they are able to do so right now. I know how you feel, my grandmother went through this for a period of years and it was very difficult to love someone and want to help yet have a hard time being around them because of the poor attitude.
One thing that worked for me was to mind my posture. It seems like such a simple and silly thing, but I found that just walking in her house, I would hunch my shoulders and I always just entered already feeling annoyed and defeated. It was a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I expected to have a bad experience, and I did. But when I learned to hold my head up tall and pull my shoulders back, I made a point in my mind about opening my heart to her suffering and doing what I could to alleviate it. If she was making negative comments, I mostly listened and did not comment. I asked what she needed. I offered to take her to lunch, or bring lunch to her. I did things with her that she enjoyed even if I did not, because it made her happy. I tried not to make a big deal about the other stuff.
She passed in September after a sudden brain hemorrhage. I am grateful for the time I did have with her and that I made the time to do so even if I often had to bite my tongue and grit my teeth.
Don't get stuck in your ideas of what comfort means. Don't assume what you'd want is what they would want. If you don't know how to comfort them and be with them, ask them. Ask what you can do and be open to accepting their answers.
Learning to be with others without expectation or goals is the one of the hardest of lifes lessons. I had to learn that often my mere presence was enough while caring for my elderly demented mother. She had expressed a desire to die at home. I made it possible.
Do all you can do. As my mothers remote memory was quite good I would often ask her about her child hood and what it was like way back when. She also liked to recite poems she memorized when young. Engage with them. Cherish the good days no matter how few they maybe.
Perhaps the hardest lesson is learning to love them when in the passage of time they become children once again.
A. Do not neglect yourself for any reason. If you need time and space, then find it and use it.
B. Sometimes holding a hand without commenting on the comments is all that is required. Perhaps you could start listening to the comments as if they were just a series of race cars starting their motors. Yes, it is part of the universe, but its import is often minimal.
C. I wonder what toy was a favorite or what sport or what trip... the past is easier than a sometimes confusing present.
D. Breathe in, breathe out.
@grackle my GPa is also quite good at remembering the past. It's really magical at times to see him go there. The brain is a mystifying place. Sometimes when he is talking about his past he calls me by my mother's name, because we look quite similar in the face. I usually just let this happen without "fixing" his mistake, because it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that matters all that much.
Thank you for reminding me of this! I will try and get another dialogue of this nature started up. I think it would be good for both of us.
PS: isn't a grackle a type of bird? We birds have to stick together!
Luckily both my parents are still in good health, and I have little experience so far with these kinds of situations. I have been blessed in that regard.
But I think I would try to find things which you can both enjoy, and do together. With my father I watch baseball and sometimes go to concerts or museums, or drink coffee at the beach cafe around the corner. With my mother I have long discussions over FaceTime, she lives a couple of hours flight away.
For people who are losing memory music can be a powerful trigger, and it is something that stays a long time. My grandmother is like that, though she has 5 children who are now almost all grandparents in their own right, who care for her.
@RuddyDuck9. The brain truly is amazing. Particularly the concept of Neuroplasticity. Yes grackles are birds. We are found almost everywhere.