Of men and women and changing each others ways...
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
So I have this on-off girlfriend I go out for dinner with occasionally, and we usually get along pretty well, but lately I have noticed an unfortunate side to her behaviour. We were walking out on the beach a few weeks ago and she started trying to convince me to take on some volunteering work, and she was quite insistent. I didn't feel like getting into an argument so I let it slide, giving a noncommittal response and changing the subject.
Now a couple of days ago we were sitting at a restaurant, and during our conversation the talk turned to how people experience emotion. She said people all have the same innate emotional intensity, and I, knowing this to be wrong, held that it varies with several factors like thinking patterns and body dependency. But she pushed and almost started shouting, insisting that I accept her opinion. I stuck by my statement and it ended up being a bit of a slanging match. Later on I sent her some articles proving my point.
This is where it gets interesting. We were chatting this morning via whatsapp, I was being reconciliatory and trying to keep things light, and she said she "felt my energy didn't match my words". I thought, this could be interesting, and asked what she thought of my 'energy'. Apparently she "felt blockages and ego on my part, and was having difficulty feeling empathy for me these days". Hum. I replied that what she thought were blockages was merely some defensiveness, and I didn't see myself as having much ego. Cue a less than pleasant end to the conversation.
Now she has borderline personality disorder, so I cut her a lot of slack, but this is starting to sound an awful lot like "if you don't agree with my opinions I won't play with you anymore", a line of emotional blackmail I'm kind of allergic for. Personally I think making suggestions and healthy debates between friends are welcome and good, but this kind of crossed the line.
So in terms of partners or friends trying to "change you", what have you experienced? What do you accept?
Comments
I do not accept emotional vampires in my life.
I reject them, because what they do, even if they disagree with you, is suck the life out of you by playing on your mind 90% of the time (the other 10%, you're asleep...). They get under your skin, like a nasty rash, and no amount of soothing changes their MO. They want you because you're stronger than they are. So while they might disagree with you vehemently and argue until they're black blue, every hue - they want your company. Why? because you have what they want. Stability and inner calm.
The fact that she has a BPD, is in itself interesting because (with nothing but the deepest respect to those here) she may well play on it..
I have a relative (to whom I have not spoken for nearly 9 years) who is Bi-polar, and uses it as an excuse for the worst possible behaviour you can imagine.That is not to say, I hasten to add, that all people with such a disorder do this. Far from it.
But some do.
And my relative does. Big time. Rude, insulting, argumentative, dismissive, moody, truculent, sulking.
"Oh I can't help it, I'm Bi-polar, it's the way I am...."
If your friend has this disorder, then she must know it. I cannot say that she plays on it, but one thing I do know.
If you recognise anything of what I have written, as familiar, you need to consider self-preservation and distancing yourself, because while you patiently, kindly and compassionately accept her behaviour, she will dish it out, and escalate.
People definitely give off vibes that don't always match their words. But that's not a bad thing, we shouldn't verbalize everything all the time even if we are thinking or feeling it.
I guess it comes down to how much you value the friendship. If you think it is worth maintaining then perhaps during a non-discussion time, bring up that you accept her for who she is and you'd like her to return the favor. Relationships are hard. Some people hold their opinions, beliefs, etc so strongly that they truly do feel like they'd rather lose friends than not voice their opinions or give up trying to get people to see things their way.
I am not sure I've really ever had the same problems. Old friends have fallen away over time. A few I have forcefully un-friended because while I certainly accept people have different views and I'm not a fan of kicking them to the curb because we don't agree, there are some fundamental values that are extremely important to me and if their values clash significantly with mine, friendship just isn't in the cards. Mostly these were old classmates who I met up with after years and found that we no longer got along due to these massive value conflicts.
My mother occasionally behaves this way but she will always be in my life. So I simply tell her I am not discussing it with her and we can talk another time when we both calm down or whatever.
It all comes down to what you are willing to set aside in the name of maintaining the friendship. You can't control her, you can only control how you react to her. Instead of wondering why she does this or that, wonder why you feel that pull to argue and defend yourself or your views. Why does it bother you when she suggests volunteering, or that she sees the world differently in terms of people's emotions? If she is not open to discussing her views, then your choice is to try to insist that she is wrong, or to let it go and find something else to discuss. What is the value in disagreeing with her all the time?
Like you said, @federica - I was thinking along those lines of some people (bipolar or not) believe they can forever manipulate someone else if they want to wrestle the relationship to the ground and keep it forever. I love this: "- they want your company. Why? because you have what they want. Stability and inner calm." In short, your g/f sounds unstable as heck, @Kerome. Maybe take a bit of a break, hm?
In my experience it doesn't generally lead to anything good.
You were both friends and may have nice time. It could be a good match. In discussion one should not argue to win. Sometime we may ignore and convince them on right time if necessary. Giving proof to prove yourself right making her think that you are dominating and does not care her self respect.
Otherwise if she has other behaviour problems then must take note of earlier posts.
Thanks for the responses all, @federica and @karasti in particular.
It's upsetting, because of her behaviour and sometimes out there views I feel I can't trust her opinions to be balanced and fair, but I don't want to be dismissive or give her less than due consideration. But if after that due consideration we disagree, and she turns it into a row, and escalates at the next opportunity, that's food for thought.
I consider myself to be a good and loyal friend, but I will let things cool off for a while before resuming contact.
It's so much easier with demons you don't like. You make them into curry.
They taste of chicken incidently. 
However on a more practical level, if you have a choice, choose good company. My sister has many traits that are impossible. @federica mentions some of them. She is my sister, currying her is illegal and cutting her off would isolate her further.
Be kind. 'Idiot compassion' is not always possible or required for those who are not terminally boddhisattvic. Be kind to yourself first.
So I said to the doctor, "It hurts when I do this."
And he replied, "Well, don't do that."
Along those lines, common advice was:
Back away slowly
Upon backing around a corner, RUN!
Seriously, you do not need someone who will never stop trying to change you.
Too much extra unneeded stress.
@Kerome ,
Anicca , impermanence, change, we are all changing, nothing is permanent, including your girlfriend's attitude...and your attitude towards her....
We have no option but to go with the flow of change and it is karma which dictates what pattern/sequence of events we find our selves in...
Just make sure your intentions are wholesome by using the 4NTs & 8FP as your problem solving guidelines ....
There is Dukkha-the dilemma you find your self in
There is the cause of Dukkha-desires or aversions for or to change
There is cessation of Dukkha-a way/8foldpath to overcome this dilemma
The 8FP - these are the tools to help solve/find a solution to the dilemma
Right View/Understanding
Right Thought
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Mindfulness
Right Effort
Right Concentration
It's up to the individual to study the above and come to some understanding, "middle way"...
She sounds exhausting to be around, OP. You could dial back the friendship a little, and not see her as often.