Seeing things as they are
Zania
Explorer
I have been reading the Dalai Lama's book called "how to see things as they really are". It talks a lot a about dependant origination and how important it is to have deep insightful understanding of this. It kind of makes sense. I understand that things have causes and conditions and are also the sum of parts etc but I wouldn't say I have a deep insight into it. Into emptiness etc.
I have been meditating twice daily for average 45 - 60 mins for about 5 years now. I have also begun to attend retreats in the last year.
I have read many different books trying to get a grasp of other Buddhist concepts such as the 5 skandhas, 4NT and 8fold path etc. I have to say after all these years meditating and practicing mindfulness throughout the day whenever I remember, the impact in my life Is very subtle. I am more aware of emotions, feelings and thoughts. I'm less reactive.
I still find myself very attached to things and people. I'm currently going through a separation from my partner of 20 years. I have been feeling so saddened by this. I have realised just how attached to this person I have been and I struggle to understand why it is ending. It is not my choice. Everything I have known for the last 20 years is now crumbling. At times I feel so much pain and fear of the uncertainty that lies ahead but then at other times I feel content and peaceful. I'm not sure if it's because of the practice that I am holding it together despite the turmoil. Perhaps it is. I am also trying to do this transition with as much grace and love as I possibly can. Trying to accept what is. There is nothing I can do to change it. My partner wants to move on and be friends so what can I do but just accept it and try to let go. It does feel like my life is being ripped apart sometimes. It's like I was addicted and now I'm forced to go cold turkey. The pain of loss is so great at times I feel like I want to die. I continue to sit twice daily and be present with whatever is happening.
Comments
The loss of a long-term deeply embedded relationship IS a lot like a death, and the grieving that comes with it is much the same. Give yourself time and be gentle with your feelings. Just like when someone dies, you will change. And that's ok. When you start to come out the other side of the most intense grief, your life will take on a new and different sense of normalcy. Which is also ok. Hang in there. Let your practice carry you but try not to use it to force understanding rather than allowing your feelings to be what they are. Aversion/pushing things away is the other side of the attachment coin. It sounds like you are doing as well as can be expected!
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. It's so difficult. Sending you hugs during my morning meditation.
I find this a powerful teaching from Ajahn Sumedho and hope it helps.
Take care.
@zania Sounds like you are doing and responding exactly the way you should be. There's a lot of confusion on what is attachment, such as when we love our spouse. A breakup or loss hurts, and we wonder if that means being emotionally attached is wrong in the first place.
What is usually translated as attachment is actually described in the Sutras as more like "clinging". Buddha doesn't teach that numbness is the same as enlightenment. Changes in life that involve losing someone are painful. But in accepting the pain and letting go, you swim with the current instead of drowning. It sounds like you do see the situation as it is.
My first marriage ended in a disaster and it was the most painful time of my life I can remember having, and that includes the death of my second wife. Only later did I see it was also the best thing that happened to me. Hang in there.
@Zania This to shall pass
It will take a while for the habitual clinging & grasping behaviour patterns to subside but they will...however to what extent is unknown...I guess as long as you have love in your heart to counter any anger that might try to take hold, the transition will be smoother...
Regardless of how much one might like things to remain the same...."Anicca" will run its course....
This is when ones practice makes perfect 'sense'....
Metta
This book "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron may also be of help....
Yes. Of course.
Understandable. Normal. Human.
What I would recommend is focussing becoming aware of the physical component of pain. In other words where do you feel it physically? That is something you can practically relax and let go of, send metta too etc.
The other is prostrations, which often is also a very physical response to pain ...
Hope that is useful.
Thank you everyone for all your support, comments and suggestions. I appreciate it all. I purchased Pema Chodrons book and I am trying to take one day at a time. Sometimes I just randomly break down in tears then other times I feel fine. Its interesting and encouraging to see the different mind states and emotions changing. There was a time in my life when I could not see this at all so Im really grateful to the Buddha and the Dhamma.
To ignore this loss would be inhuman. Let it flow through you.
Sending you lots of love.
-I have gone through something similar. May you be well...
Ps. We are not our emotions.
It's true, however at times ones emotions can be a persistent string pulling puppet master....