The passing of loved ones...
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
My grandmother died a few days ago, and I am caught up in helping with the funeral arrangements and assisting family. It's been busy with funeral consultants, planning the church service that my very Christian grandmother would have wanted, and the more general service prior to the cremation, and who wants to speak to the group. My mother has flown over from the UK, and is doing the bulk of the work with her brothers and sisters. It is a time of togetherness.
In some ways it is a relief, she was no longer sound in mind while living in the care home which was the best we could find for her, and she was having a lot of difficulties with suspicion when things were sometimes stolen or lost, seeing the world as a place full of enemies. Small things like her pashmina going missing for a while would become magnified. She would cry 'help me, help me' for hours on end while in a kind of half sleep on her bed, and she is now doubtlessly in a better place and more at peace.
But with all the busy-ness I have hardly had a chance to contemplate what it all means to me. There is a jumble of memories of my grandmother; a desire not to end up like her, attached to possessions; many thoughts of impermanence and the passing of things. I wonder what will remain after it has had time to settle.
Comments
Take your time. The busy-ness of the funeral arrangements will pass and the memories will begin to take shape. It does not take a Buddhist to know that the cause of death is everywhere and always the same: birth. Take your time.
Sending love, light and blessings to you during this walk.
Sounds about right. Relief that your grandmother isn't suffering anymore. The family rituals that keep people busy and allow them to process the death. The dukkha of being reminded that death comes to us all. May you and your family do well.
My last grandparent, my grandmother to whom I was very close, passed almost exactly a year ago. She was of sound mind until the last few days, but a very failing body that she struggled greatly with. She lost all the things she loved to do in life due to failing eyesight and mobility. It was likewise sadness mixed with relief when she passed on.
Those first few days are just a blur. It can take even a while longer depending how much your family has to manage (my grandma was still in her home so we had to go through all her things as she had wrote a very short will). Even a year later, there are things I still work through and process. I still miss her and think of her every day. But not as much with sadness or relief or those initial emotions, but more so just a nice sense of appreciation for having had her for so long and been able to have a close relationship with her even though it was rocky at times. My kids also got to know their great grandmother for a long period, which is too rare these days. Anyhow, things settle. Don't feel like you have to process or do something to make it happen, or not happen, sooner. Just let things take their coarse and know it is all normal and all ok.
Enjoy your time with your family. Though difficult it is a special time to be together. Condolences to all who loved and will miss her, and sending her blessings this morning on her journey onward and to you all as you work through her absence.
The funeral was actually really lovely... it all kind of came together, the music which I thought was going to be schmaltzy wasn't, the photo slideshow worked and didn't crash, we didn't have too many or too few speeches. We asked the great-grandchildren to put momento's on her coffin, and everyone was really honest about what death meant.
But at the same time there was an upbeat feeling, that she had passed on to a better place, and wasn't suffering or in fear of her delusions anymore. And I think she would have been happy to have her funeral also be a little a celebration of her life, which had been lived fully and with a lot of love.
I have been grateful to see here a trend of funerals being more celebrations of life, sharing of experiences, relationships and memories than simply awful events with dark organ music that most people would rather avoid.
It looks lovely, @Kerome. I like the simplicity of the casket. It's interesting to me that everything is down lower? Here, the casket and flowers are all put up high, on tables. More like waist high. Is there a cultural reason for the setup being so low? If you don't want to talk about it, I understand
I just find such traditions really interesting. I love all the candles, especially the candle tree in the far back corner! Wonderful.
Thank you for sharing. Metta to you and your family. Blessings to your grandmother on her journey!
It's a feature of the funeral home... the whole area is a dais, so set somewhat higher than the seating, and at the end of the ceremony the coffin is lowered into the floor, where there are cremation facilities in the cellars. In other situations like in church - my grandmother was devout Christian so we had a church service immediately prior to the ceremony - we usually have the coffin on a stand, not entirely level and about waist high.
Thank you for the well-wishes
Thank you for sharing.