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Can one recover from saying so many stupid things?
JaySon
Florida Veteran
I'm hoping the answer is yes.
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You can't take them back but you can get better about verbalizing them, yes. You can, of course, make amends where necessary. But it does no good to apologize for something you have no intention of correcting. If you say something you later feel need to apologize for, the important part comes in forgiving yourself and making a point to learn from it and attempt not to do it again.
there are lots of guidelines that are helpful to keep in mind. You can ask things like "Is what I am about to say...kind? inspirational? truthful? Am I the best person to say it? Does it need to be said now and to this person?" And the one @federica has pointed out that is my personal favorite, "Am I improving on the silence by speaking?" If no, then often it's best not to let it out. Put it in a cloud and let it float away. (the visual helps me, lol)
Yes, thanks @karasti...
The combination of that, and the alleged* Sufi saying ("Is it True, is it Necessary is it Kind?") would supposedly have the dual effect of halting our tongue in its tracks and putting brain in gear before engaging mouth....
I heard, may years ago, a slightly verbose caveat with regard to watching one's speech skilfully.
"Even the swiftest Horsemen in the army of the Yellow Emperor, cannot retrieve the word once it has been spoken."
Which I suppose is a wordy way of saying, 'watch your mouth buddy, 'cos' nobody else can watch it for ya.'
(I say *alleged, because apparently it has several apparent origins, and several different ways of being expressed....)
If that's the case, then I need to take a vow of silence.
I also think, as an addendum, that the older you get, paradoxically, the better your brakes work.
Thanks Sangha. I struggle with Right Speech.
I think you need to understand you are most definitely not alone in that.
You only have to read this forum to know we all have gaping mouths we're perfectly capable of inserting a size 12 hobnail boot into.
Please understand from the get-go: I am in absolutely no way at all elevating myself in comparison, by saying that certainly, my long stint as a Moderator has helped me to improve my capabilities in watching my mouth. I think that has slowly come with experience and age.
However, let me swiftly add, I am by no means even near yet, to the ideal I would like to achieve. It's one of the reasons I left Facebook. I already feel the better for it, because away from this forum, it was leading me in ways I grew to dislike and resent.
The wroitten form of the word is easy to watch. if you but knew the number of posts I've written then promptly edited, amended or even deleted without first posting.
That's the easy bit, right?
No, the hardest part is the oral, spoken verbiage.
"Aye, there's the rub....."
@federica I feel your pain about Facebook. I'm on and off there. It seems to only lead to comparing yourself to others. It's not really a social place like in real life. It's, "Look at how great I am. Don't you wish you were in Disney Land too right now?" Yep!
One of the reasons why I think I'm a motor mouth on this particular forum is because this is the first Sangha I've ever been part of. I have no one to talk to about these things. And right now it's just a mind dump for me. You have to understand I've been studying and practicing Buddhism since 2002. That's a long time to not have anyone to talk to about it. I'll settle in shortly.
I haven't heard any formal complaints and other than that momentary and fairly light spat with another member, which lasted but a short time and was remedied and mended soon after, I don;t think anything amiss has occurred.
I would suggest that the intense studying you have immersed yourself in these past 14 years, (and this IS just my opinion) have led you to aim to achieve something I personally think is respective of that a Monk might seek.
I think you need to not be too hard on yourself, or criticise yourself excessively.
You're a Layperson, and while yes, we are intent on following the Dhamma path and practising according to what we learn, everything in Moderation - including Moderation.
Being overly harsh on yourself is a mark of attachment too, I would say. Striving for an ideal, aiming for perfection - that's a heavy burden to carry.
The 8Fold Path is a wheel.
Don't hang it around your neck. Roll with it.....
@federica I appreciate the advice and I'll take it to heart.
It's tough sometimes with so much conflicting Dharma.
Some say to perfect virtue day by day, have a happy mind all the time. Give up all non-virtuous actions. Trying to do that feels like starving my mind.
Guilty!
I agree with that one. I was on Facebook for 3 months 9 years ago and left because it seemed too self absorbed and people from my past started springing up left, right and center.
Also guilty on this one, if you've noticed. I have this habit of typing (or speaking for that matter) without thinking and I wear my heart on my sleave...recipe for wrong speech
I call that the It-Seemed-Like-A-Good-Idea-At-The-Time Syndrome.
Finally a diagnosis!
Or, "Hindsight is 20/20 vision".....
I cleaned up my FB during the election. It might not be meme-worthy to say I got rid of everyone who didn't fit my requirements, but I did. It is mostly family and close friends I rarely see, and a few Buddhist and yoga friends. I got rid of the classmates I never talk to, the people who are always antagonistic, etc. It's a must better experience. I still let myself get drawn into things here and there, but not as often as I used to. I take a month or so break a few times a year.
Whether we are talking the internet, cupcakes, a bag of chips or a book, I'm either all in, or all out. I'll eat the whole bag of chips. I'll read the book even if I don't like it. And I'll use the internet too much even if I'd rather just use it for what I need it for. Because I cannot feasibly get rid of it entirely, I'm stuck with it. Or perhaps it is stuck with me. For now. But I'd love to totally be offline, off tv, off the grid entirely. That is my life goal.
@karasti
I've gone off the grid many times. Lived out in the country for several years and off social sites. Only problem is you suffer loneliness.
It's a choice between social pain and loneliness.
It's a sad state of (social) affairs when a person can get lonely without the internet.... Time was when people actually talked to each other.... We have had many tales in British newspapers of elderly or lone people dying in their homes and going undetected for too long a decent period...
There's that sorry (true) story of a woman who, looking out of her front window, noticed a furniture van outside the house opposite, so took over a cake as a welcoming gesture to the new home-owners... Only to find they were actually the 'old' home owners who were in the process of moving out, having lived there for 4 years..... Oops.
I am in the fortunate situation of both knowing my immediate neighbours and getting on with them very well.
But as it's winter, we're all cosied up indoors and have gone into suburban hibernation (!) but would happily answer any call of assistance or neighbourliness if one were extended. The summer sees us in the garden, enjoying the occasional good day of weather and chewing the cud.
I would hate to think anything would happen to my neighbours and I not know a thing about it....
So talking to folks is a big thing for me, and one I deliberately engineer whenever possible....
Im married and I know my neighbors well here in Florida.
But I was in the Tennessee hills for five years before this. Also I work online and by phone so my work friends lived in other states.
We are neighborly here. And it is in the 70s so we aren't bundled up indoors. I've been going to the beach
I forgot what the beach looks like @JaySon
We live in a very small rural town, I am quite close to a lot of family and neighbors, so I don't worry about loneliness. We spend quite a bit of time with people, and know everyone we live around. However, the internet is the only way the school, coaches, activities communicate and an increasing amount of homework from school has to be done online or using online resources. It is also the primary way we communicate with our son's doctor, who is 120 miles away (he is a diabetic and we communicate with them on a weekly basis). I dislike portions of it, but it has become too necessary to give up. Also, my husband's job requires he be able to work from home on occasion and internet is required for it.
What stupid things? I don't remember any stupid things, OP. Are you talking about--on this forum?
They're impermanent. See how easy that was?
Can one recover from saying so many stupid things?
Well I'm 41 and still breathing so yes I'm pretty sure you can
@Dakini gave I feel a useful insight, which relates directly to spontaneous living in the moment wisdom.
It is also possible not to hear stupid things. To put it another way, we can choose/reframe what we hear. For example Noble Silence does not mean we are deaf. It means any response is unskillful. It is also important to understand that wrong speech has an impact towards potential clarification for others but is rarely used with this underlying motivation and application ...
When you hear the speech of the people of the heart,
Don't say they are wrong.
You are not an expert in speech, my dear!
This is where your error is.
http://www.chishti.ru/path-of-blame.htm
Yes. The answer is Yes. Not only can you recover; you can be elected President.
By golly you're right!
Well not if one 'is' stupid
On a more serious note....
Prevention is better than cure....
Patience is the best practice for keeping a sharp tongue in its sheath...
I guess the big "M" (mindfulness) has a big part to play...
It is also possible not to hear stupid things. To put it another way, we can choose/reframe what we hear.
Good point @lobster. I have to refrain from listening to (and especially partaking in) all the gossip that goes on at work. Just like breathing in and out, right speech can be both outward and inward.
Can one recover from saying so many stupid things?
Stupid things that did not harm anyone I guess would fall in category of idle chatter.
Can one recover?
Depends how much time was wasted.
One can make a clean break with the past, and see how many hours or days you can go without saying more stupid things. If you are truly ready to mend your ways, go ahead and test yourself.
In terms of making recompense, I always find that giving of yourself in some way is the best way of mending fences. I have an aunt who is housebound, every few days i send her a couple of fotos via WhatsApp to give her an impression of what I'm about and what that part of the country looks like. It's made us closer than ever.