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Fear of meditation
nakazcid
Somewhere in Dixie, y'all Veteran
in Meditation
Ever since my fiancee passed away, I've been avoiding meditation. I figured out why; I'm terrified that the grief will well up and eat me alive. I've heard @genkaku say that meditation isn't always rainbows and butterflies, but the prospect terrifies me. Any thoughts on dealing with this?
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Let it happen.
Let it be.
We are completely free.
Let it eat you alive.
Your emotions and grief and love
will pass on through
just like the Buddha has always said.
Maybe you will catch the brass ring.
I want to reassure you @nakazcid that while your grief is particular to you, we have all endured it, and come through. Just as you cannot gather a mustard seed from any house to ease your pain, so we all know the sadness of its elusive and impossible nature.
As @silver suggests, let it be as it comes. Do not fear it.
She has lost a son, and I have lost my father. He died before my eyes, and I re-live the memory of that moment, constantly.
With no regrets.
Her death is in your life. Do not deny yourself the opportunity to experience the result, in whichever way it chooses to manifest.
It is cathartic, and perhaps, exactly what you need.
Tantra.
Being eaten alive is a wrathful Tantric practice.
http://www.pbs.org/thebuddha/blog/2010/mar/11/buddhist-perspective-grieving-roshi-joan-halifax/
@nakazcid ~ also know that I'm here, in case you're in need of a cyber-hug.
(didn't want to speak for anybody else, but I'm sure there are more available.)
Maybe some grief counselling would be helpful?
https://www.cruse.org.uk/supporting-yourself
Or some metta bhavana practice?
http://www.wildmind.org/metta/one
I think it's better this happen during meditation rather than as a result of bottling it up and having it come out at work or something.
Make no mistake, you will deal with this eventually as we all do. From somebody who has dealt with this kind of loss both in healthy and unhealthy ways, the healthy ways are better.
@nakazcid -- Two possibilities, among others:
1. When something seems too big for you, whittle it down to bite-sized portions. Try meditating for a mere fraction of what you did before. Go small ... as small as you need to. See what happens.
2. Don't be surprised if the grief tornado doesn't strike at all. Things tend to rise up only when invited. So, if you are, for example, counting breaths, just count the breaths. Stop looking over your shoulder, waiting for the attack. It may be that the grief will be quiet for a while and assert itself later in ways you did not expect ... eg. all of the joys or jokes or laughter that once touched earlier times. Or maybe not.
Go slow. Go small. Treat yourself gently. Gently, but not too gently.
Stay away from meditation as long as you like. My experience has been that the only thing worse than doing meditation is not doing it. Don't imagine that because you stop doing meditation that meditation could somehow be lost. It ain't gonna happen.
I like your advice a lot, @genkaku. I think I was in 'a mood' when I wrote my bit. Maybe a tad over-exuberant
but guess I couldn't help myself, for what my studies and my stint here have brought to my life. Anyway, yours is much better...but who's comparing? 
Tried meditating for just five minutes as @genkaku suggested. I was not overwhelmed with grief, nor did the thought even come up. I wasn't focused on the breath either, just letting thoughts arise and pass. It left me feeling only a bit more peaceful than when I began, but at least I wasn't struck with grief.
@SpinyNorman metta bhavana has been a big help in the past with depression. Maybe it can help with grief as well.
We are not stuck with anything. Not life, not death, not people, not our minutes, not our ours. How to sit or indeed be where we are and peacefully?
Practice. Who knew?
What I find really helpful is the sense of self-acceptance, like it's actually OK to feel what you're feeling. Allowing it to be, and allowing it to pass, in time.
Sometimes I am hard on myself, like I shouldn't be feeling this or that.
Your grief will well up. As it must and should. It won't eat you alive, I promise. Let it in, watch it, cry if you will / can and then proceed. One step at a time. Cyberhugs streaming your way.
Welcome, @ele and thank you for commenting. Nice words.
Lots of great words from the wise folks here at NB!
I can say that if you think avoiding the grief by not meditating will help you avoid it entirely, you are likely wrong. Meditation could actually help you avoid being swallowed by the giant waves. But my point is, whether it's in meditation or otherwise, the waves of grief still come. Meditation is but one tool that can help deal, and when you designate meditation as your "permission" to let the grief come through, you can be prepared and give yourself lots of time to allow it.
I've always quite liked this.
https://www.good.is/articles/best-comment-ever
Don't!