Letting Go?

Frankj

I have a question for the forum. How do you guys deal with people who will not let go of the past, more specifically past mistakes you may have made? Also, how do you guys deal with guilt trips?

Shoshin

@Frankj ...Understanding "Anatta" helps ...The deeper one delves into this psycho-physical phenomenon called self the easier it will become to let go of the past and of guilt trips...

Bunks

Is there anything you can do to counter whatever you did that is making you feel guilty?

For example, I donated money to an animal shelter to counteract a couple of acts of cruelty to animals I undertook when I was young.

There are only so many times you can apologise to someone for past indiscretions. There comes a point where you have to decide the issue is with them and move on.

David

@Frankj said:
I have a question for the forum. How do you guys deal with people who will not let go of the past, more specifically past mistakes you may have made?

I let them go.

Also, how do you guys deal with guilt trips?

By realizing that keeping toxic people around is to enable their behavior.

Jeroen

If it’s other people we are thinking of, and your phrasing makes me think that is so, then there are various tactics you can try. You can try reminding them in turn of a mistake they made, every time they bring up your mistake, to try and make them see what they are doing.

It really depends on your relationship with the other, whether it is a good one that you consider is worth keeping.

federica

An apology must be sincere, but there is much Grace in the accepting of it..
There comes a time when it may be skilful and appropriate to point that out, gently, to the other person. Ask them how many more times do they feel you should apologise before they deem it fit to be over and done with? because as you see it, as things stand, you can carry on apologising until you are blue in the face, but unless they are willing and able to move past it, sad to say, you now understand that they will never forgive you.

So, you are done apologising. You can't keep doing this for ever. It's not something you want to keep carrying, but if they want to, that is their choice. Up to them.

As for carrying the guilt, half the reason you are carrying it, is because they won't let go.
You don't have to haul their millstone round your neck.
Remorse is one thing. Guilt is quite another.

lobster

@Frankj said:
I have a question for the forum. How do you guys deal with people who will not let go of the past, more specifically past mistakes you may have made? Also, how do you guys deal with guilt trips?

I forgive you.
As some of you know my guilty picnic trips to the imaginary hell realms means forgiving the unforgivable.

Iz plan ...
I also forgive the Dalai Lama, Buddha and myself (not necessarily in that disorder)

pegembara

How do you guys deal with people who will not let go of the past, more specifically past mistakes you may have made? Also, how do you guys deal with guilt trips?

By not dwelling in the past. What is done is done. What is important is what you are doing today. Who knows what tomorrow may bring?

FoibleFull

How to deal with them?
It is their problem. Not mine. I cannot make them let go. The only thing I can do is monitor my own internal response and relax into whatever I am experiencing.

As for guilt. I regret what I have done and resolve to try to NOT repeat it. If an apology is called for, I make an apology.
Then I let go of it. There is no usefulness in beating ourselves up for making a mistake.
Until enlightenment, we are all ignorant and will make mistakes.
So making mistakes should be used as a motivation to work more on our Buddhist practice, than to wallow in guilt.
Compassion is as important as wisdom, and this includes being compassion for our own ignorance, as well as that of others.

sova

if history cannot be abandoned, then it must be rewritten
treating others with kindness,
giving of gifts,
treating them with love and toleration even when there is no reciprocation
will eventually cut the cycle of aggression

who is right and who is wrong when both are caged?

who is right and who is wrong when both are engulfed in flames?

to take the defeat is hard
to give the victory is harder

i think i would appeal to how people change over time

ask this person, would you say your views and thoughts and actions have changed over the years?

how would you compare yourself today to yourself a year ago, or 3 years ago?

would it be fair to say that, aside from your name, not much has stayed the same?

oftentimes with conflicts, we are bringing the conflict with us when we enter the room. the conflict is not actually there in the space, it is something that we carry within us, both parties perhaps.

if you want to break a bridge of aggression, you don't need to start chopping away at it at both ends of the cliff, you can start with one and that is enough.

lobster

Well said @sova

I take refuge in myself
The three jewels

@sova said:
if you want to break a bridge of aggression, you don't need to start chopping away at it at both ends of the cliff, you can start with one and that is enough.

Rojeho

Wow! Pretty sure I've found my virtual Sangha. Again, so glad I found this forum.

Ron/Rojeho

lobster

You don't have to haul their millstone round your neck.

I knew it!
Is it karma? Makes me calmer knowing my millstone (aka me, milly, mine) is my quite sufficient karma ...

Here is Maitreya carrying her own millstone