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I thought I'd share my day with you all today, as it was a very interesting and insightful day. I put it under the category of mindfulness, because I learned a lot about midnfulness today and about being one with teh world through everyday practice. I hope that category fits here.
It started at 4 AM this morning, per usual, but let me back up a little. Ever since Wednesday, I have had intense lower back pain that gets worse when I hold the zazen posture. I have been just sitting with it, working through it, since then. However, last night, sitting on a hard surface caused my legs to go numb and the circulation was very slow to come back. When this morning brought extremely intense back pain (I'm talking an 8 out of 10, maybe even a 9) that I could barely walk through and my legs were tingling very severely, I decided I had better take care of my body and went to the hospital.
So we went to the hospital, my spouse and I. They gave me Torbidol on the way, which did almost nothing for the pain and made me a bit nauseated. They took me straight back to a room (which I found a bit unusual but was grateful for) and started right in with the questions. Long story short, they diagnosed me with another UTI and muscle spasms caused by anxiety and taking the posture more often. The next thing I knew, I was taking a Valium and was so out of it, I knew it was wrong to feel that way.
I dosed off and on until they released me, then came home to rest up. On the way home, I almost fell asleep on the bus and had a really bad disconnect from reality, which I know is not a good thing, but it was what it was.
I had a very vivid dream of being in a monastery and sitting in meditation as I slept. It was so peaceful and calming. There I was, just sitting with life and not thinking, not doing, just being. It was an awe-inspiring feeling, and I wokeup with the same feeling of peace and serenity with the world five hours later.
Some things I learned from today's experience:
1) Take care of the body, as the body, mind, and heart are one and if you do not care for the one, you do not care for the rest. If I think something is wrong, I need to listen and go to a doctor, not necessarily sit it through.
2) I'm never taking Valium again. It leaves me feeling so disconnected from reality, I cannot focus on the breath, I cannot let things flow like they should, and I get drowsy as all get-out.
3) I definitely want to feel more the feeling I had when I slept today and when I woke up, the feeling of being connected with teh world as if I never were before, the feeling of peace and serenity, that all is well with life as though it was nevere right before.
Life is so precious, so special, and yet it's nothing special at all. I hope I never again feel disconnected from the world and reality again, and I will never allow them to give me something that makes me spacey like that again. The same goes for meds like narcotics, which also make me feel spacey and disconnected. I'm finding that I have to object to certain treatments on religious grounds because they're not going to know, but need to.
Any thoughts, comments, ideas, advice on anything I've said?
Love to the World,