Thoughts of the Day
Jewel
North Carolina, USA New
I thought I'd share my day with you all today, as it was a very interesting and insightful day. I put it under the category of mindfulness, because I learned a lot about midnfulness today and about being one with teh world through everyday practice. I hope that category fits here.
It started at 4 AM this morning, per usual, but let me back up a little. Ever since Wednesday, I have had intense lower back pain that gets worse when I hold the zazen posture. I have been just sitting with it, working through it, since then. However, last night, sitting on a hard surface caused my legs to go numb and the circulation was very slow to come back. When this morning brought extremely intense back pain (I'm talking an 8 out of 10, maybe even a 9) that I could barely walk through and my legs were tingling very severely, I decided I had better take care of my body and went to the hospital.
So we went to the hospital, my spouse and I. They gave me Torbidol on the way, which did almost nothing for the pain and made me a bit nauseated. They took me straight back to a room (which I found a bit unusual but was grateful for) and started right in with the questions. Long story short, they diagnosed me with another UTI and muscle spasms caused by anxiety and taking the posture more often. The next thing I knew, I was taking a Valium and was so out of it, I knew it was wrong to feel that way.
I dosed off and on until they released me, then came home to rest up. On the way home, I almost fell asleep on the bus and had a really bad disconnect from reality, which I know is not a good thing, but it was what it was.
I had a very vivid dream of being in a monastery and sitting in meditation as I slept. It was so peaceful and calming. There I was, just sitting with life and not thinking, not doing, just being. It was an awe-inspiring feeling, and I wokeup with the same feeling of peace and serenity with the world five hours later.
Some things I learned from today's experience:
1) Take care of the body, as the body, mind, and heart are one and if you do not care for the one, you do not care for the rest. If I think something is wrong, I need to listen and go to a doctor, not necessarily sit it through.
2) I'm never taking Valium again. It leaves me feeling so disconnected from reality, I cannot focus on the breath, I cannot let things flow like they should, and I get drowsy as all get-out.
3) I definitely want to feel more the feeling I had when I slept today and when I woke up, the feeling of being connected with teh world as if I never were before, the feeling of peace and serenity, that all is well with life as though it was nevere right before.
Life is so precious, so special, and yet it's nothing special at all. I hope I never again feel disconnected from the world and reality again, and I will never allow them to give me something that makes me spacey like that again. The same goes for meds like narcotics, which also make me feel spacey and disconnected. I'm finding that I have to object to certain treatments on religious grounds because they're not going to know, but need to.
Any thoughts, comments, ideas, advice on anything I've said?
Love to the World,
Jewel
Comments
A few weeks back for reasons I can't really pin down I had a period of what seemed to be best described as deep clarity. The main insight that came to me then was that existence is deeply profound and amazing, and at the same time completely ordinary, much like your insight. The feeling has faded but it still leaves an impression on me, hearing you talk about your experience reminds me of it.
"Sabbe dhamma nalam abhinivesaya". (Nothing whatsoever should be clung to )
That was then and this is NOW @Jewel
a new start every moment...
May you be well and stay present ....
This short YouTube Dharma Talk by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche may help with your anxiety...
@Shoshin
Thank you for that video. It was, indeed, helpful. I think my main anxiety is for the future. I know i should just trust in the universe and be present in the moment, but sometimes it's easier said than done. I don't have anxiety attacks anymore, though, thank goodness. It's just tension in my body caused by tension in my mind. I am sure in time I will learn to work through the anxiety and the fear of anxiety.
You are welcome @Jewel ...
Are you familiar with Vipassana Meditation ? You may also find this TEDTalk helpful...
I am sure too.
I have had UTI and been on valium, which in my case kept me semi conscious through nightmares which is no way to sleep.
For the unitary tract infection. Garlic. Curry or high quality capsules if not your thing. For physical well being which can help with fear/anxiety, learn or do prostrations. In zen, some traditions do 108 each morning.
My dreams often carry this quality, where I’m doing ordinary things like working on a computer but at the same time there is this wellspring of energy within and an atmosphere of excitement. It’s a beautiful feeling which often stays with me through the early morning when I drink my coffees and read a few forums.
My experience with medication is that as long as it’s something temporary that makes you feel spacey it doesn’t matter too much. For example with some operations they give you a local anaesthetic and you can watch the operation on a monitor. For that reason I’ve decided not to be too demanding with hospital meds and just go with the flow.
But it has to be said a lot of doctors just prescribe standard meds. My stepfather who is 82 for example has a lot of difficulty with his guts, and they prescribed him Codeine for pain in his knee, which often causes constipation! So of course he reads this on the advice slip and decides against taking the Codeine and instead put up with some pain.
UTI? Ah yes, what a friend! If anything makes you listen to the wants and needs of your body, a UTI is up there with the best of ailments!
My UTI and I, we go back to my teens! So much so that I can spot him a mile off and pre-empt his visit through preventative measures! I have the little blighter well in hand!
I use copious quantities of teas, using nettle, silver birch leaf, dandelion leaf and cleavers/goosefoot. Or combination of the above.
I alo drink copious quantities of water/apple cider vinegar/bicarb of soda combined.
Now this is an od mix, but if you get it right, it tastes like mildly acidic fizzy water. Get it wrong, and it's an experience, I'll give it that...!
1 litre of water - 1/4 cup organic apple cider vinegar/3 level tsps of bicarbonate of soda. Close the bottle, shake lightly. Watch that stuff, and open very gingerly, or the fizz will spatter the room and make an almighty geiser...
When you taste it, you'll know what you need to balance according to your own taste.
I have it so well worked out, I can quite happily get through 2 litres a day.
Apple cider vinegar is the modern-day elixir of... well, if not youth, certainly well-being.
It may well go against everything you are working on, but adapt a kinder posture for your body.
And dare I say it? Put no trust in the universe.
The Universe has no mind - or plan - of its own that we must, should, could or need to put our trust in.
The universe was here long before us, and it will be here long after we are gone, just doing its own thing, minding its own business and - frankly - not minding a damn what we think, say or do. Those three qualities are ours and ours alone, and the Universe isn't affected one iota by them.
No, do not trust the universe. It has a way of spinning, ebbing, flowing, exploding, imploding expanding and contracting in a way that will finally be our demise. And to trust it knows the outcome, or has a plan, is detaching from our own responsibilities and ownership of direction...
I like your numbered decisions.
In fact, I said much the same, here...
If we do not take full care and responsibility for ourselves, and do what's right for us - nobody else will.
@federica -- Please take good care of my good friend, federica.
Ok, on it! I got this!!
a bit like ...
Life, better than death ? or non existence