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Friendliness and mildness

KeromeKerome Love, love is mysteryThe Continent Veteran

I’m coming to the knowledge that i deeply realised some important parts of the path quite early in my life, through analysis and science rather than through Buddhist teachings, and it’s only now many years later that I am filling in the areas around it.

One of the key take-aways from meditation over the last few days has been the importance of an internal attitude of friendliness and mildness. I’ve always been friendly and mild on the outside, but inside analysis led to evaluating threats and caution, and thus to fear and anxiety. Almost a military way of thinking, learned from games.

I’m now starting to realise that that is unnecessary, that our internal worlds contain more things than we know but that we should always approach that which we find with friendliness and mildness, that if we can bring that to our approach we are a step closer to realising internal peace.

Our own attitude inside ourselves forms what we find in our internal worlds. If you go looking for threats you will find things that look like threats, and you will end up doing yourself damage. The only one who can damage the internal you is you, the only threat to your deepest being is you. The cure for this is friendliness and mildness.

lobsterFosdickAlexVastmindadamcrossleyperson

Comments

  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    The cure for this is friendliness and mildness.

    AkA "The Dharma"

    Alex
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @Kerome said: .....analysis led to evaluating threats and caution, and thus to fear and anxiety. Almost a military way of thinking, learned from games.

    If nothing else, this proves to me personally that my theory of how gaming can affect the mind-set negatively, is borne out.
    I have always said and maintained, both here and elsewhere, that no matter how much people might protest to the contrary, I am personally, subjectively convinced that playing games such as WoW, can have serious, detrimental effects on how people behave IRL.

    Obviously extents vary.
    But an effect, subtle or otherwise, it DOES have.
    Bravo @Kerome, for perceiving such a shimmer in your Mind.....

    AlexVastmindKundo
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @federica said:
    I have always said and maintained, both here and elsewhere, that no matter how much people might protest to the contrary, I am personally, subjectively convinced that playing games such as WoW, can have serious, detrimental effects on how people behave IRL.

    I will say that I think that WoW, because of its cartooney nature and variety, is far from the worst. Something like The Witcher 3, with its realistic depiction of humans, or The Division 2, with it’s real-life setting, guns and gore, is quite a lot worse.

    But I agree with you Federica, even strategy games and role-playing games teach seeing “people” as “statistics”, in order to evaluate threat and see if your character can survive the situation. First-person shooters on the other hand are even worse as they teach you to shoot anything that moves. If you get caught up in these games and immerse yourself in them for a while, these things start becoming a habit.

    They stand in the way of being friendly towards others and yourself, which I feel is such an key stage towards helping you on the path. And ultimately what you can really learn from them is very limited.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Just goes to show how little I know about online gaming. I had never even heard of 'Witcher 3', 'The Division 2' or anything else! Sounds gruesome!
    I'll be honest, I am as baffled by the creators and programmers of these games as I am by anyone who could possibly actually want to sit at a design board and create a piece of weaponry exclusively and singularly designed to cause as much damage as possible to another creature.

    But I digress.
    I am steering the topic matter away from Friendliness and Mildness, which was not my intention.

    Even in the most ordinary scenarios though, it's often easy to forget we're meant to be walking a path, rather than stepping on the toes of others....

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @federica said:
    I'll be honest, I am as baffled by the creators and programmers of these games as I am by anyone who could possibly actually want to sit at a design board and create a piece of weaponry exclusively and singularly designed to cause as much damage as possible

    I’m sure they do it out of enthusiasm for their chosen hobby / passion, totally oblivious to the wider problems it causes.

    But you’re right, back to friendliness and mildness.

  • adamcrossleyadamcrossley Veteran
    edited March 22

    @Kerome said:
    back to friendliness and mildness.

    Reminds me of a Sharon Salzburg quote:

    The healing is in the return.

    I appreciated your original post @Kerome. It really resonated with me.
    ?

  • personperson Don't believe everything you think the void Veteran

    In defense of some aspects of video games, and competitive games in general. There are aspects of competition that promote a high degree of teamwork, in my time in WoW I spent a fair bit of time raiding where the goal was to work with a team of 10 or 25 to overcome difficult computer opponents. The focus there wasn't in how to defeat people but in how to help, complement and rely on each other towards a common goal. There's also an aspect to competition that engages our desire to better ourselves, I guess that can be used for ill ends as well as positive ones, but I think mastery of a skill is on the whole a positive goal. Then there's sportsmanship, the ability to win and lose graciously, which is encouraged in real life competition but sadly is in short supply online.

    That's not to say that many aspects of video games and competition and aggression aren't harmful, both internally and externally, @Kerome's OP being one of them. The player vs player aspect involved with many of them does increase one's anger and is really dehumanizing towards your opponents. In WoW there were two factions, Alliance and Horde. Kerome and I played on opposite sides and even now I can feel the partisan dislike arising about it (Alliance Sux, FOR THE HORDE! ?) I played poker online for a while and I really felt that aspect of friendliness towards others decrease, instead thinking that others weren't trustworthy and how I could be deceptive myself that spread out into my everyday life. Even though ethically playing didn't bother me since all of us players have a tacit agreement that deception is an essential part of the game. Video games also have a very addictive quality, intentionally, and is a main reason I stopped playing.

  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran

    There may be some negative effects of games but in a way it is not really violent just as killing chess pieces is not violent but treating real soldiers as chess pieces on the other hand is quite tragic.

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @Jeffrey said:
    There may be some negative effects of games but in a way it is not really violent just as killing chess pieces is not violent but treating real soldiers as chess pieces on the other hand is quite tragic.

    You can see the various traps you can fall into... even something as abstract as chess, in the end teaches you to see the opponent as something mechanical, it’s dehumanising in the same way that Warcraft PVP teaches you the same thing. It teaches Us vs Them thinking. I can foresee a whole slew of reasons why the Buddha may have discouraged the playing of games.

    But the main thing I found was that it stood in the way of truly being friendly towards myself and everything inside me, and also being forgiving towards all the childhood friends with whom I might have had less than perfect interactions when I was young.

    I realise now that a lot of the reasons I feel uncomfortable out at night in the dark, or sometimes when surrounded by strangers on busses and trains, is because I project possible actions on them. Some of this is from the media — terrorists or robbers — and some of it is from that innate distrust which has had various sources. Lack of trust can be a dangerous thing.

  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    @Kerome said:

    I realise now that a lot of the reasons I feel uncomfortable out at night in the dark, or sometimes when surrounded by strangers on busses and trains, is because I project possible actions on them. Some of this is from the media — terrorists or robbers — and some of it is from that innate distrust which has had various sources. Lack of trust can be a dangerous thing.

    Tsk, tsk, you are dreaming yourself awake in the permanent helled picnic. Take metta and smiles and your most generous t-shirt out for a dream ride ...

    Kerome
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @lobster said:
    Tsk, tsk, you are dreaming yourself awake in the permanent helled picnic. Take metta and smiles and your most generous t-shirt out for a dream ride ...

    You are right @Lobster it’s time to re-find some equanimity.

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    But there are other events in our lives that teach distrust as well, for example a young friend taking a favourite toy. That makes it clear to you that other people are not to be trusted, and perhaps later on in life you may find similarly difficult moments.

    It takes insight to understand that your young friend may have had a different standard of courtesy in his house, and didn’t know he should ask first. Later in life you may come across people whose thinking has come to be dominated by the Three Poisons.

    Finding in yourself a balance of compassion, friendliness and mildness, and at the same time a measure of protection so that you don’t end up excessively taking on other people’s burdens is something that requires dhamma, maturity and strength.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    The taking of your favourite toy should not be subjectively viewed as mistrust, but objectively seen as a fear of deprivation, an envy and a desire on their part, to be as fortunate as you.
    In other words, they suffer, for they grasp.
    Thus have I learnt: in any situation requiring a mindful and skillful approach, always see the matter through the other person's eyes...

    Jeffreylobster
  • paulysopaulyso usa Veteran

    on the subject of friend and mild....

    on friendship, we can exercise preferrence--choice--and discernment.which is in the suttas.about preferrence,saraputra suggest be wise in brain nutriment,in what we feed--stimulant--our brain.that is why i rarely watch hard news.i am aware that bad stuff happens.and when i do watch news tha attempt of equimity helps or passive viewing.feed the brain with positive news helps to balance it out.the sutta suggest hang out with decent people who you consider friend .co share and care.which we have to excerce discernment who is friendly and right for us.

    on mild,nurture and nature will take care of it. nurture your balance.and nature,just aging and experience may make our brain say,nothing new under the sun,and we chill. we prioritize our interest.

    a while back watching positive news,a very compassionate story,made me think,compassion can direct purpose and give meaning.so its our choice,volition,in living our lives.

    Jeffreylobster
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