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Disturbing hint from the matrix

sciencebuffsciencebuff San Francisco, California New
edited June 1 in NewBuddhist.com

In the day, in the night
Say it right, say it all
You either got it or you don't
You either stand or you fall
When your will is broken
When it slips from your hand
When there's no time for joking
There's a hole in the plan
Oh, you don't mean nothing at all to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
No, you don't mean nothing at all to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
But you got what it takes to set me free (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
Oh, you could mean everything to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
I can't say (say) that I'm not (not) at a loss (loss) and at fault (fault)
I can't say (say) that I don't (don't) love the light (light) and the dark
I can't say that I don't (don't) know that I am alive
And I love what I feel (feel)
I could show (show you) you tonight, you tonight
Oh, you don't mean nothing at all to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
No, you don't mean nothing at all to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
But you got what it takes to set me free (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
Oh, you could mean everything to me (Hey, oh, oh, hey)
From my hands I could give you something that I made
From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid
From my body (from my body) I could show you (I could show you)
A place (a place) God knows (that only God knows)
You should know, this space is holy (Oh oh oh oh)
Do you really wanna go? (Three, four)
Hey, hey, hey
You don't mean nothin' at all to me
Hey, hey, hey
You don't mean nothin' at all to me
Hey, hey

I've been wanting to escape samsara as this lifetime has been extremely emotionally painful, stressful, violent and thought provoking for me yet simultaneously extremely boring and tiresome and in doing some very surface level investigating into past lives, it appears this may not be something new for my "soul".

In a lifetime full of spiritual restlessness and a year full of spiritual change, I began inquiring into The Greater Consciousness that many seasoned meditators sometimes refer to and many theists revolve their life around, when I began to recognize the seeming destiny of a predicament I found myself in, a few months ago. I then resigned myself to that destiny and felt a strong sense of both relief and love. I began relating to this as "my Creator" and repeated the process. The first few times I did it, it was so beautiful that I got the sense that I didn't deserve it and memories/insights came to mind of past pain I caused others, with my own senseless self interest. I might liken this to the traditional Christian ideal of repentance, or working out past karma. It's not exactly fun, to say the least. This also appealed to me as a fast track alternative to the very arduous mediation practice I had been pursuing for over a decade prior with good but limited results. I've also been consulting both the "traditional" biblical scriptures of the established Christian Church as well as apocrypha (including references to reincarnation) omitted by powerful and potentially "evil" institutions . In my pursuit of this "Creator", and in hopes of working out karma to achieve enlightenment through ego death from the pain this would cause me (that is, in pursuit of "Christ Consciousness"), I resigned my life to "Him" over and over. This was extremely painful.

It did produce profound change in my life and reoriented me with a perspective I hadn't had since childhood, during a brief period of peace when the family that I was with at the time was experiencing more love and going to Church. The flip side of this is that I became much more sensitive to the threats physical desire and ego posed to my existence. I also experienced something similar to a Bodhisattva urge and wondered if I was going to end up sacrificing my soul and my existence for a world that had done little for me but pain. These things were so profoundly scary and arduous for me that I stopped, despite a hunch that I should continue working through it.

During and after this period, I began getting a lot of insights both instantaneously and via signs and songs that would come to mind or that I would happen upon in public. I also began to see that these signs may have been coming to me, and from me, for years prior to this during periods where I related to the worlds as an atheist, with the seeming belief that when you're dead, you're dead (with some small but strong hope for extending my life through science). These insights have been both seemingly profoundly synchronous and perfectly placed. Usually these thoughts were mainly... well... informative, they helped my paradigm shift develop. But they could also be comforting.

Recently through, after a period of profound egotism during a rather emotionally violent reaction, I expressed ill will for and a resolve to action against a group of profoundly obtuse, physically/emotionally/psychologically violent, spiritually unaware and seemingly useless interlopers, I have become growingly frustrated with over a period of years. I also expressed apathy towards their problems regardless of any ability I could have to help them with them. I then achieved a brief state of peace. Then I happened across the song above. I looked up the lyrics and was profoundly disturbed. I thought God was full of unconditional love.

I think there's a good chance there's somehow meaning behind each and every line. If I spend enough time examining past clues, that was always the case.

I have had the nagging suspicion in the past that the original "God" I was relating to was part of a duality of sorts. I'm now wondering if this is a new "God" of sorts or the same one. This does seem kind of pointless, in some sense, either way.

Any thoughts?

Comments

  • pegembarapegembara Veteran
    edited June 1

    When all these thoughts come to stop at least temporarily, are you still present?
    If the answer is yes. I am still here, then -
    Are you the story or something more than a mere story?

    lobster
  • sciencebuffsciencebuff San Francisco, California New

    @pegembara said:
    When all these thoughts come to stop at least temporarily, are you still present?
    If the answer is yes. I am still here, then -
    Are you the story or something more than a mere story?

    For better or worse, I'm pretty sure I'm both. I haven't been present for a while now since that happened; just wrapped up in fear.

    But even when I did have presence, that presence was not satisfactory.

  • sciencebuffsciencebuff San Francisco, California New
    edited June 1

    @pegembara said:
    When all these thoughts come to stop at least temporarily, are you still present?
    If the answer is yes. I am still here, then -
    Are you the story or something more than a mere story?

    I get the impression you're placing value on people shutting out their "stories" (thoughts), or at best skimming past them, in an effort to realize immediate peace. I don't know if life is quite that simple. At least not if one wants that peace to last, which is what I'm after.

    I don't think things like thoughts and emotions are something to disregard and instead believe mediation is more about processing them. I could be wrong but that's my perspective, right now.

  • sciencebuffsciencebuff San Francisco, California New

    Meditation*
    I put "mediation" instead at least twice.

  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    If you chase all the things the mind is presenting, you will never come to rest.
    In silence one can relax and just be.
    It is a question of waiting in quietude, just letting the mind wind down.
    Don’t do anything, it is not necessary to investigate the deep mind, things will come to you
    When they are ready.

    lobsterpersonShoshin1
  • lobsterlobster Veteran

    Hi sciencebuff,

    Very diverse first post. Many of us understand the fear, disorientation and changes you mention. The technical term for this is Discombobulation or the Samasara/dukkha aspect of existence.
    Also, we have loads of gods and goads to choose from...
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhist_deities

    What is your Buddhist plan? Here is mine:
    https://newbuddhist.com/discussion/comment/575818/#Comment_575818

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    sciencebuff do you practice equimity awareness meditation? i do it to any sence object be it music or movie. kinda like passive hearing and seeing. words and meaning affect our brain states. it seem this song disturbed you. been there done that. what has helped me, let this pass, time will settle your brain and let it go. with buddhist technique mindfullness,the impact wont be disturbing if revist it after the mind is clear.

    i love that "dating" song, its a message of be one with empty space universe. the duality of dao is still empty.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    those not schooled in buddhism, like christianty, will see emptyness scary. but to us buddhist, emptyness is liberating, more light and free. our ego is empty is freeing to me. knowing this exercise my ego for my/our bennefit. a careing self. and arrive at to insight dukkha is self made. emptyness makes dukkha imaginary.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    @paulysotoo said:
    sciencebuff do you practice equimity awareness meditation? i do it to any sence object be it music or movie. kinda like passive hearing and seeing. words and meaning affect our brain states. it seem this song disturbed you. been there done that. what has helped me, let this pass, time will settle your brain and let it go. with buddhist technique mindfullness,the impact wont be disturbing if revist it after the mind is clear.

    i love that "dating" song, its a message of be one with empty space universe. the duality of dao is still empty.

    i think you were attempting tantra oneness with your creator. lobster eluded buddhist have buddhas "God" to do tantra in tibet buddhism. point of tantra practice is open up your buddha nature by emulating the quality buddha diety quality. but you need a tibet guru.

    another angle, im a christian observant too. i have not done christ tantra to open your christ consciousness.no need i already like buddhist technique to be a well rounded human being.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    most in christianity have to battle duality. but buddhist accept the middle way. dao buddhist can see,the line of the dao symbol is the river middle way. the dot in the yin and yang sign indicate emptyness.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    @sciencebuff said:

    @pegembara said:

    For better or worse, I'm pretty sure I'm both. I haven't been present for a while now since that happened; just wrapped up in fear.

    But even when I did have presence, that presence was not satisfactory.

    fear is brain produce. was this fear holistically in your whole body in response to what your brain was feeling? in buddhism. for me i sit with the fear and practice breath awareness. seeing brain-body produce has an arrissal and cessation. but been doing buddhism almost 18 years.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    sciencebuff,
    our creator "God" is above all gods, even your duality creator. in zen she is the dharma-key-awe. like dao, she is the mother of means, she create myrids of things. the space she created. the stars she created. the planets and on and on. only the lord and lordette of buddha power can even attempt to conseive her.

    only human bodhisatvas get to be initiated to the profound beyond name and form, in emptyness and fullness of dao-dharmakeya. i already with tears of compassion to the cosmic vow to be of service. please understand its a commitment and not to be taken lightly. that song wasnt for you. it was for bodhiheart mind beings to be fearless in the heart suttra.

    i will disclose my experience with the all in all in sunyata. i was mowing that day. i arrived to the next house. then suddenly in my being felt a higher power i had not known seize me. i was a simple therabuddhist observant. she sam interface my brain. i tryed to out think her. but couldnt. she know my thoughts and cornered me. i fell down my kneess. i was shaken with trembling. but she said to me your no rocket scientist.

    she introduced me to thera zen where some students get introduced to her the mother of eveything. looking back, yes she says stick to therazen and not rocket vajrayana. she is a dear mother to me. i feel her through the birds,bees, and trees. she is in sunyata.
    she is the higher power above all principality. our "GOD" is not a man who should lie. it was a joy now to discover her here on sam earth. i can die in samsara. she turn samsara into a wondersure life. in zen, mnt turn into not mnt and back to mnt metaphor.

    be well. that song is just a dating song, give your best shot, if i like you tonight, lets go look at the stars and play it by ear, in the mood, we sexup under the stars.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    being an artist, i can read signs. the dao symbol is the lawful enterance to this heaven universe reality. the way, the truth, and the life is through 69 dao symbol. our dependent origination to life was your mom and dad sexup each under the starz camping or anyplace. through the desire of tantra we came to be. funny huh?

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    what dream sung by the cranberrys.paulyso is dead and gone.
    [

    sciencebuff, its just a song, my friend about me, doggy star hound to sunyata. practice passive seeing and hearing.

  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    edited June 3

    Please excuse me…off topic.

    @paulysotoo ….. this is the 3rd strike now. I assure you no one here wants to hear about your thoughts on our Mom and Dads sexingup! Or anyone for that matter. You’re getting real disrespectful at this point. You said you would lay off that kind of talk. Your lack of effort and frankly reading the room is getting annoying. I’m not sure if that’s what you want, but treating this place like your own personal blog will burn out eventually. Then what? How about lay low…learn and listen…then get in where you fit in. Next time you even mention sex, I’m flagging you and reporting you.

    In fact, let’s let it be known now. @Linc
    The receipts will speak for themselves.

  • paulysotoopaulysotoo usa Veteran

    @Vastmind

    out of respec for yout, i will lurk and learn others opinion about buddhism.
    my last opinion. sex is part of life as a layfollower. to be fully human relationship is a part of it. millions are finding a mate and build a life around it. the song is about sex, and i commented on it.

    i vow to you i will lurk and not speak. noble silent is on.....
    sorry i wont comment if sciencebuff adds to the comment in this thread.

  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran

    I’m not disagreeing that sex is part of life as a human. Your approach to it here has been out of line with how we conduct ourselves in this specific space.

  • sciencebuffsciencebuff San Francisco, California New

    @Vastmind said:
    I’m not disagreeing that sex is part of life as a human. Your approach to it here has been out of line with how we conduct ourselves in this specific space.

    Pretty sure this person is trolling.

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