Buddhism and Traumatic Life History
Jeroen
Luminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlands Veteran
So, I have an elderly friend who was abused at an early age and found her father’s body after his bloody suicide. I corresponded with her for quite a while, and she often referred to this biographical fact and mentioned that she would like to get in touch with people with a similar history. She carried a lot of pain from this. But when I started telling her about Buddhist philosophy regarding suffering and letting go she suddenly started talking about wanting distance.
It reminds me of a section in Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power of Now’, where he talks about people who identify with their suffering who will go to great lengths to preserve that thought pattern or habit. These are usually people who have invested a great deal of thought energy into their suffering.
It’s very sad, I think, that she spends so much time enveloped in the suffering and thought of her youth. And also very sad that she discards techniques that could help her.
Comments
My Mother is the same way. She’s very comfortable in her discomfort. Always has been.
I think the goal with traumatic emotions is to be able to touch into them and see them rather than suppress them. But then the important thing is to be able to let them go like you said rather than hold onto them and turn them into an identity.
@Jeroen
It is not so much about letting go as it is about attaining a different perspective.
I am a Viet Nam Veteran War veteran, I have had to endure the near death and subsequent paralysis of a son, the death of another son in a tragic accident, the death of my wife, and other not so pleasant issues. I did not "let go" of the various hardships and losses. The are all still with me.
However, I was able to change the way I relate to each and all of them. Instead of allowing the pain and the suffering to envelope me, to turn me into a victim, I used my Buddhism to turn these stumbles and losses into sources of positive actions. I was/am able to help others who have their losses, to encourage them, Buddhist and non-Buddhist , through my experiences and my overcoming the very real pain and suffering. To turn suffering into challenge, victory and joy.
No, I do not forget or let go, I rose above and let the each pain, each suffering pass through. I then filled each void with the spark of determination, of empathy, compassion, of hope. By overcoming the negative, by enduring the pain and allowing it to pass through instead "letting go", I have emerged wiser, stronger, better able to encourage, aid and lift others. I am able to nurture my gratitude, to find joy in both loss and gain.
Your friend is searching, seeking. it is her way of finding solace, of mourning, of healing. That is her chosen path to heal. Her experience will always be a part of her it will always be with her. But it can be a base from which she can grow positively.
In another view, in the Buddhist sense, we might say the "letting go" is really "letting flow". Allowing the pain and grief to pass through the discovering the path to grow and rise out of that loss and grief.
At least, that has been my path.
Peace to all
Well said
I am NOT interested or even supportive of 'poor me', immature type holdings. I really do not care if someone is crazy, stupid, a soldier, murderer or survivor of terrible circumstances. Because we all have skeletons and are prepared for death because of it...
In fact I laugh at everyone's past, present and future as well as my own ludicrous infantility.
Cue 4 Knobbly truths:
anyway I am off to build a support structure...
Thank you for the perspective @Lionduck. I think that is exactly what she is trying to do, she is not immature or self pitying, but she does refer to it often, and she discusses it with people she trusts. For a while that was me, until I showed that I didn’t share her perspective.
I don’t want to dissuade her from her chosen path, I think she has a perfect right to live the way she wants, but I’d like her to be aware of the burdens and hurts she is choosing to carry, and how it shapes her life path into contact with others who carry these burdens.
Buddhism talks much of renunciation, of letting go and more letting go. There is a certain purity to it, a cleanliness which leads to peace, away from all the cruft of daily life.
To add to @Lionduck insightful post. From my perspective it highlights two important points, that the ways we've been hurt can open our hearts more fully to others suffering in similar ways once that hurt has been processed. The other related point is something I hear from teachers, that we should teach (or help) from our scars not our wounds.
Yes… I’d like to help, to give her some tools with which to find peace. When someone makes such explicit mention of such a heavy life burden, the natural reaction is to help them shed the weight of it. But in this case, just listening hasn’t helped much, and talking about books or learnings from Buddhism has pushed her away.
Eckhart Tolle would say, she is caught up in identifying with her pain body. And maybe that is so. She seems to be compulsively sharing the sources of her pain, and also the supports she found for her way of thinking through sharing little booklets that she has authored.
I think @Lionduck’s method for coping with his wounds is essentially healthy, but I’m not so sure about my pen-pals methods. She doesn’t seem to let her wounds become scars, but is instead raking them over by sharing them.