"It's not going to get easier"
RobinH
Europe Explorer
When I started looking into Buddhism recently, I kept hearing from Buddhists about how life is not going to get easier with it, how it's taking more stress upon myself, how being more happy is not the point of doing it, etc. And sure, that sounds reasonable, although terribly unappealing. But I live with depression and I'm not sure how I'm ever going to be well enough to call myself a Buddhist or take refuge like this. For example, I tried not eating meat for almost a month, it's the longest I've ever went without it (not counting the whole newborn thing) and I paid attention what I download and from where, the usual stuff. And these practices or non-practices did not feel transformative at all, sometimes I found nothing to eat besides cheeses 6 days out of a week, I've yet to develop a taste for tolerating vegetables on a daily basis, sometimes I had to spend a lot more money just to be able to get something that doesn't have meat but feels like a full meal to me. Neither me or my wife are skilled in vegetarian cooking really and even if we would, we just don't have the time.
So it all went like this until recently, when it turned out we have to move again, because she found a new place that's more expensive (we can barely afford the one we're in rn) but it might be quieter and being able to get some rest from our noisy neighbors is something we both desperately need for a while now. And now we spend all our savings on that new rental and we've yet to talk to the landlord here and move out, while working a day job of course and it's just weeks and weeks of stress to look forward to that yet again makes it impossible for me to focus on creative work, the only thing that offered me some escapism while made me feel really good and productive. And I noticed I slipped back into depression, which happens when I have no perspective for the future, no sense of moving forward just being stuck or taking steps back. I'm still struggling with how circumstances prevent us from starting a family and we might never be able to, so creative work is how I manage, even if I find that no readers of mine stay interested after 3 years. And now I'm exhausted, I have no energy to function, I slept about 14 hours yesterday, no amount of coffee seem to wake me up properly, I slipped back into eating meat, finding whatever would give me some comfort, just waiting for this whole, month-long story with the moving end (I used to live in one place for like 7 years, now we're moving every year) and I'm seriously wondering if I'm the fool for even wanting my life to be easier. Because as much as I want to be more mindful and more spiritual, I don't always feel the capacity to, especially if it brings more stress and more hardships into my life. Sometimes, like now, I can barely manage to go to work. But what would possibly make me a Buddhist ever if I don't even take the Eightfold Path seriously enough to uphold it in my day-to-day life?
Comments
[sob story deleted
Just reaffirms the First Noble Truth]
Anyways. I have my problems to deal with. Other more luvvy-duvvy and empathic Buddhists may offer you what you require. I will pray/chant for you...maybe
https://buddhaweekly.com/tantric-wrathful-deities-the-psychology-and-extraordinary-power-of-enlightened-beings-in-their-fearsome-form/
Thank you.
1. Yes, I'm overweight. I work night shifts and it's not too exciting, so I've yet to find a substitute for caffeine to help me stay awake for 13 hours like that.
2. My wife does give me tremendous amount of emotional support, in fact I'm not sure I'd be still around without her. But she's not a very spiritual person and I can't expect her to understand why I'd seek a more spiritual life
3. America has its own serious issues that are blatantly clear to everyone, but life ain't too easy here either, after all, people keep reelecting the government that does everything in its power to divide us, to stigmatize the LGBT+ community and criminalize their efforts to raise awareness (to a degree that often inspires US lawmakers) and of course our government is the most supportive of Putin's war from the entire EU. It's not a place where I'd want my future children to go to school and yet, starting over in a different country would take a huge amount of money we don't have.
4. Depression is recognized where I live, but the medication they gave me for it does more harm than good, the limited-time free therapy didn't lead anywhere and other types of therapy we can't afford.
Overall, my situation is not as bad as it could be, lots of other people have it way worse. But that alone never seemed to make it better.
Hi again @RobinH
Thanks for your honest answers. Others will understand and value and advise as well as they are able.
As people are unique they find what works for them. Seeking 'a more spiritual life' includes this:
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
https://insighttimer.com/blog/buddha-self-love-quotes/
This of course is not Narcissism but care and empathy for our sense of worth, karma and need for well being...
Buddhism doesn't directly make life any easier, like it doesn't remove your external problems. What it can do though is help you develop space around your emotions, wisdom to make better decisions, equanimity to stay calm in the storm, compassion to be of help and be someone others are more likely to help.
The downside is its a slow path, a lifetime's work really. But there is low hanging fruit that new practitioners often are able to benefit from early on.
I'm a long time Buddhist who eats meat. My practice around meat is to reduce the amount I eat and more recently do my best to purchase meat where the animals are raised more humanely.
I think if you're able to establish a regular meditation practice and study the teachings and philosophy for a change in day to day world view that would be a big help. To establish a meditation habit, worry less about the amount of time you're spending and more about consistently sitting down to do it. Like maybe you want to sit for 20 minutes a day, but you're really not feeling it today. That's okay, sit down for three deliberate breaths, thank yourself for your practice and continue on with your day.
dear robin
stress management is the whole path of buddhism. initial struggle in buddhism will lead to ease.
when i started buddhism, i was a ball of mess. didnt know how to regulate my brain. i was a reactionary person. quick to anger, in general an unpleasant person. but the more i kept coming to buddhism the more i learn to change my worldview inside out.
good advise from lobster and a person
my advise take care the body. manage stress little by little. breathe deeply when things feel overwelming. breath alone calms my nerves.
excerise when you can. for me excercise shift my focus to be in the moment and do what the body need for optimal health
free time study the 8 fold destresser approach. this is a guy who has been doing it for tweny years, and from experience my body and mind is less angry less reactionary and more loving to myself and others. life is hard but life can be rewarding if we put the work in little by little it will change us inside out. our struggle will be our ease.
Hi @RobinH — I think @person touches on something essential, which is focussing on the low-hanging fruit early. For me that was reading the works of enlightened Buddhist teachers, I started with Thich Nhat Hanh and Ajahn Chah. I read a lot, and for me books like The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching, and Living Buddha, Living Christ, and The Complete Teachings of Ajahn Chah were inspirational and gave me a big lift. It was an experience, like finding out ‘ah, that’s how it is done’.
For me, meditation was something I had some experiences with when I started which I could never repeat. No matter how much I did, some days two or three hours, it never seemed to move me. So instead I started listening to my body and mind, and when they tell me it’s enough, I stop. When I meditate these days it tends to be for 10-20 minutes. So I’m not sure I’d count that as low-hanging fruit.
As far as starting over in another country is concerned, I saw there are some opportunities, like staying in Swiss villages. Apparently these small Swiss villages and towns are getting depopulated by people moving to larger cities, and the Swiss government is willing to help support anyone who is willing to commit to moving there for a longer period. I heard the relocation money is quite decent, enough to start a small business on. Maybe something for you?
Bravo Sangha!
Excellent advice.
...Which reminds me of one of my most helpful unloadings:
Create a journal or blog of your insights and links...
One day you may go on a retreat...
https://www.thebuddhistsociety.org/page/scriptures-texts
Green tea
Your wife is supportive of you and that's what counts
Nothing is permanent not even corrupt governments
Professor Mark Williams
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy and Depression
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.
Be well @RobinH
Professor Mark Williams, Oxford Mindfulness Centre
Cathy Ziengs, Executive Coordinator, Buddhistdoor International
He explains how Mindfulness Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works
Thank you, everyone. It's a lot to consider, but I'll get to it.
When we hear, "It's not going to get easier.", we should not equate that with more stress.
As we progress in whichever endeavor we pursue, we assume it will get easier. However, it remains just as difficult. What makes it seem easier is that we grow, we learn, we become adept. A master sword maker has the same difficulty as the apprentice. The difference is that the master swordsman has absorbed the difficulty, making the process appear easy. If even the master swordsman misses a single step, misjudges even a bit, the sword is useless. He has learned to ride the difficulty, to become one, as it were with the process. The activity does not change in difficulty. The perspective ha changed.
In Buddhism, we hear of, say, the Ten Aspects. They are presented as individual and separate for purpose of presentation. They are, in fact interconnected and inseparable.
When we learn to ride a bicycle or drive a car, at first we worry about each aspect. But, eventually, we melt all the aspects into an interconnected whole. It remains just as difficult. It now seems simple because our perspective has changed. We no longer attempt to concentrate on each aspect, but all habe become an integral part of the entire process. The many are meleded into one, Right Mind and Right Speach are not seperate, Right Speach is derived from and inseperable from Right Mind, and so on.
It is like the blind men and the elephant. Each one clearly describes the elephant from his unique perspective. All are right and all are wrong. When we see clearly, we see all the apects described by the blind men ar correct but each seperately is only a part. We see the entire elephant. In the process of learning and growing, do not be like the blind men, open your eyes. The parts are mearly to lead you to the whole.
Peace to all