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Teenage trials
lillymac61
Explorer
Do any members have wise words for dealing with ornery teenagers? I have a 13 year old daughter who stings me with her Scorpion tail almost daily! I strive to be the rock, not the sea... remain patient, compassionate and not engage in the tirade but I find it difficult not to be upset by her cutting words sometimes. I've read many books and realise at her age hormonal surges are of tsunamic proportions, the pre-frontal lobe is underdeveloped, which explains a lot :-) and that I can't really expect her to be rational in the way an adult is. I'm relatively new to Buddhism so probably have a way to go before I effectively apply what I am learning with consistency. Thoughts anyone?
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It is difficult, but we really need to be the port in the heavy storm whether that requires firmness or gentleness.
They are going through a lot, and we are going through a lot. We will lose our temper and get caught up in it too from time to time, but that's okay. Recognize that and admit it to your child when it happens, and ask for their forgiveness.
We need to return to the calm provided by our spiritual practice as much as possible, and if we are consistent then it will not only help us, but eventually spread to those around us too.
It will take time, but it will pass.
I have a 21 year old daughter who's exploration of life fills me with awe. but I am afraid that for me, after 39 years of buddhist practise, I have no reliable parental advise beyond consistantly applying your meditative experience to your parenting.
I think parenting will usually always be one of lifes most powerful lessons on change and how little control we really have on the chaos around us and how often it comes back to just being about our relationship to it all.
One thing I would recommend, is to pick up a copy of "Reviving Ophelia: Saving the selves of adolescent girls." I think the author is Mary Pheiffer. Something like that, but I know the title is correct. My mom gave it to me when I was 19 or 20, and I remember thinking it would have had an impact on me had I read it several years earlier. I would read it as a parent, first, before you determine if it's appropriate for her. I'd recommend it to all young women and their parents.
All you can do is love her and provide her a safe place. Getting angry only adds fuel to their fire and gives them reason to be spiteful. When mine is lippy, I make sure to point out that his words hurt me and that I'm disappointed that he'd treat me, or any other person that way. I leave it at that, and sometimes he comes back to say something, sometimes not. I just leave him with his thoughts on the matter.
When I was a teenager, I was a screamer. I slammed doors, punched walls, told my parents I hated them, the whole 9 yards. I don't know how my poor mother survived, but she did, and we are very close now. I remember having those outburst moments, and it's not unlike having severe PMS. You don't like how you feel and feel like you have little control over your thoughts and your mind. If she is at all open, it would probably be quite helpful to her to develop a meditation practice. Perhaps where you live, they have youth programs for such a thing?
Anyway, as someone else mentioned earlier, just be sure to let her know how her words and actions make you feel.
All the best......
Why are you allowing this kind of behavior? Has this child been given no boundaries? Has she perhaps learned that mom is a doormat? Just wondering.
On topic it's ok to be upset. Let there be space for you to have feelings. Express how you feel but don't try to get anything. Just my 'sage' (not) advice with a grain of salt.
Just wanted to say that I remember very vividly being a horrible hormonal mess screaming and slamming my door over ridiculous things. I love my mother very much, I always did, and even at 27... I still feel like I'm making it up to her, lol.
So just remember that, somewhere beneath the waves, your loving daughter still exists and one day the storm will pass. But in the meantime, always express your love and support for her. Even being an awful teenager, the worst thing for me was always when I knew my mother was disappointed in me.
My point in thinking about them, and I think applies to anyone dealing with difficult times with their kids no matter the reason, is sometimes the most you can do is love them through it and make sure they know they are supported. Because eventually, the rough stuff will pass, the kid will grow up and even start a family, and they will appreciate their parents (generally speaking here) much more...but only if there is something worth coming back to. Sometimes when kids are horribly unruly, they still need to know they have a soft and safe place to land, no matter where they are in life. And if you want a relationship with your kid later in life, and your grand kids even later, you have to be the adult and maintain that relationship even if the kid isn't really in it. Not saying anyone is doing the opposite, just an observation based on the relationship I observe. Ashley (stepsister) is going to eventually abandon her dad and move far away, because she has no safe place, no support from her dad because he's holding grudges from her teenage years, and as she goes through life, the problems will persist.
Why are you allowing this kind of behavior? Has this child been given no boundaries? Has she perhaps learned that mom is a doormat? Just wondering.
@Dakini Hmmm, Just wondering myself if you have any children of your own as I note your reflection on your own childhood rather than actual parenting experience. Respectfully I say, there is a big difference. I'm glad you and your friends didn't speak to your parents sharply. Your parents should count themselves lucky. Puberty is not limited to hormonal changes but I won't go into that here. Just as we are all different as adults, so are our children. There are many tactics to be employed to teach our young ones respect for themselves and others and what works with one won't necessarily work with another. We have to keep trying out new things to see what works and even then new ones have to be found as they grow and change. I'm reminded that it is said that the Buddha left 84,000 teachings for the same reason, because we are all different.
To answer your question I don't condone disrespectful behaviour and your conceptual leap that there are no boundaries puzzles me. There are many boundaries regarding many situations. And no, neither myself nor her father are doormats. We do our best on any given day to do the best by our willful, sensitive daughter. We don't have all the answers but the most important thing is she knows she is loved dearly.
Perhaps I did not make myself clear in my post as I have access to a plethora of parenting advice. Though framed by a situation with my daughter I'm primarily interested in skilful means of stepping back from disturbing emotions so I do not identify with them, turning them into an idea of me. I am still learning I am not my thoughts and emotions.
It's also ok to tell them "Right now, I'm upset about what is going on, and I think we both need a time out before we talk about it." And if you do go overboard and yell or get mad before you get a chance to back off, then apologize. There have been times I've blown up and yelled, but when I know I reacted badly, no matter what it was that they did, I go to them and say "look, yes I was upset but I didn't have the right to yell at you and I really am trying to do better at recognizing it before I get to that point." Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to apologize to your kid when you mess up, lol, but it also helps them realize that parents mess up too, and that it's ok to mess up sometimes, as long as you make it right asap.
I have a 16 year old, and she has the ability to drive me around the bend at times. Buddhism is a practise, the word 'practise' infers that the more we do it, the better we get, but we will still make mistakes and get it wrong. I just keep practising. Sometimes I'm a great parent, sometimes I'm terrible. Sometimes I'm loving and kind, patient and tolerant; other times I fly off the handle and shout.
I have faith in human nature though; I think our children have the ability to grow up to be decent human beings, often in spite of what we do to them.
In short, I just tend to muddle along, aspiring to be a better parent, but often failing.
Is there another way?
Hormones, hormones, hormones. You're not seeing your daughter when she misbehaves, you're seeing hormones in action.
She probably doesn't even know why she's so angry, though she'll try to find reasons, for example, "it's so unfair" or "you suck and I hate you" or whatever, but it's not really true.
I was a typical bad kid. I did drugs, I was a runaway, I didn't go to school, I disappeared for days on end, I abused my family horribly, I stole... Simply, you name it, I did it
But it passed.
All I can really tell you is where my mom got it wrong (and given that we have a great relationship now you can be the judge of how wrong) and that was giving up on me.
She stopped showing that she cared about me, that she wanted anything to do with me. What I wanted was a relentless love, a love that I could refuse time and time again but that would never go away. I wanted to be able to say no to that love because I was a hormonal mess, but I wanted the option.
My family started doing things without me... They'd all go out to the movies together without inviting me, stuff like that. I would have said no, of course, but when they stopped inviting me I pushed back even harder because I felt like even more of an outsider. My behavior get even worse.
My advice to you would be don't do that. Just love the hell out of her no matter what. Let her know that she does belong and that you do love her, and allow her to refuse it if she wants to.
And, truly, if things get too out of hand, get her screened for depression or mental illnes. Nobody who is feeling good acts out, and she might need some professional help. Hormones affect the chemical balance of the brain, and if things get too out of whack she might need some medical intervention to get things regulated again.
My family missed my serious depression, writing me off as just a bad egg... It's something worth looking out for.
Try not to let the idea of depression freak you out. It's really common and very treatable. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her or with you as a parent, it's a chemical thing that happens sometimes. With early intervention and proper management there is no need for it to be a big deal. When she has a fever you give her Tylenol, right? It's the same thing.
But obviously you're keeping an eye on her - keeping tabs on her online life is super important - but do try not to let too much slip through... Chances are that if she is posting stuff like that something is going on. It's normal, too a degree, but if she's posting things like that and it goes on longer than a phase normally would, I'd start looking at it as a warning sign and I'd maybe talk to my doctor for some professional advice. Teens can be dramatic, but they also feel really intensely which can get overwhelming.
As for your actions not being consistent with what you say... Well, that can be distressing for her. If she's hearing the words but isn't seeing action according to those words, she may feel distrustful of you, that your words are empty. Love is consistency. It's not just kisses and cuddles, it's following through on what you say so that she knows she can trust you. It's telling her what the consequences of her actions will be (no phone for a week for example) and then taking her phone for a week. Not three or four days, a week. It's telling her that if she isn't home on time she doesn't get to go out Saturday. And then locking the door on Saturday, regardless of screaming, crying, begging, even good behavior etc. Consistency builds trust and a feeling of safety and love is sometimes doing things that she might not like.
Teenagers are really selfish - hormones again. It's the most selfish she'll ever be in her life. Loving her doesn't mean letting her walk all over you. It's ok for you to express your disapproval of her behavior and to let her know that what she's doing isn't acceptable and that it hurts you. Honesty about your own feelings will also build that trust.
As for the softer side, the kisses, the hugs, the words, dole them out frequently and with abandon
As a mom, just use your best judgement and if your mom intuition is telling you something isn't right then trust it. If you're feeling like this will pass or that you need longer to determine a pattern in her behavior or that you're just not sure, then give it time and keep an eye on her. As long as you're aware of the signs and symptoms of depression, and know to take them seriously, you'll know what to do when the time comes. And, as always, if you're unsure, seek the advice of a professional. My professional background is with troubled youth, so I have a little insight, but my recommendation would always be to see a doctor or other professional who can really steer you in the right direction and provide any support you and your daughter need. (Your happiness and well being are important too!)
Good luck!
As a middle and high school teacher and principal, I've known literally thousands of teens, and the idea that they're all running wild, are rude, are going to extremes, all hate their parents, etc. is pure nonsense.
Human beings -- including teens -- have the ability to control their behavior. While it may be more of a challenge to control behavior at age 12, 13, etc., it's far from impossible. And, to be frank, most of the time that I saw the out of control behavior in a teen, I saw poor parenting, as well.
And this whole issue about teens hating their parents. Some parents deserve a rather severe critique. I have known parents who physically or sexually abuse their children. Parents who are racists or homophobes, or religious nuts, or...etc. As adults we have a lot of control over with whom we associate. A child or teen doesn't. They're stuck with their parents...good or bad, wonderful or hateful. Even today at age 63, I can make a list of my relatives and give you cogent reasons why I loved or hated (well, not hated...too strong), respected or had disdain for each one of them.
There's a website out there called ratemyteachers.com. My teachers despised that website, where students and parents could rate them and write about them. And yes, not all the reviews were realistic. But, for the most part, taken as a whole on any one particular teacher, the reviews tended to be relatively realistic. And some teachers (and this principal) took the review to heart...considered what they really said...and it made a difference. Others ignored the reviews...and continued being less than stellar teachers...just like some parents never listen to their kids and never take their feelings into account...take the "it's my way or the highway approach" to parenting, even though "the highway" isn't an option for the kids at all.
My parents would have rather I acted out so they could reach out to me, than for me to pretend I was the perfect daughter who was feeling really badly on the inside. It wasn't even depression, at least that I've been able to tell. I had no typical symptoms of it. But I did not deal with anger and difficult emotions well and I didn't want anyone to know it.
The issue of how you felt inside. Stop and think about the issues we see adults writing about on this forum. We have alcoholics, drug addicts, and almost every other kind of symptom of mental and physical illness of this forum. Why should kids be different.
And go back to what I actually wrote: "We need to not overstate the hormone issue."
It doesn't mean you just put up with poor behavior and say "oh, well it's hormones "and let them terrorize school or their parents or siblings or themselves in the name of puberty and just let it go. No one said that. But to claim that hormones aren't a major player would be wrong as well.
With kids we tend to excuse bad behavior by saying it's "raging hormones". Yet when the roughly same percentage of adults act badly, we don't say they have "raging hormones". Then we take it seriously and say they have some emotional or physical health issue.
We tend to take adult behavior issues seriously, but excuse teen behavior issues with the "it's just raging hormones".
Hormonal imbalances can affect the development of the brain and it's something that shouldn't be taken lightly. Hormones isn't an excuse, it's an explanation.
Because I lived most of my career in the community in which I worked, and didn't move away from that particular school for 20 years, I got to see many of my former students as adults. Guess what. For the most part, they didn't change much.
It seems to me that these parents in your example have been understating it.
In terms of diagnosing children being difficult, while it may be a challenge, every child in the United States who is properly being provided with special education services has been diagnosed. You can't just volunteer for special ed.
Sounds like good grades. Might be a hard compromise like I have.
Another advice is to try different drugs. Everybody's body is different and if the psychiatrist is not willing to experiment I wager they are not worth their salt (is that an expression