Best Of

To be frank, my own inner compass is just nudging me to find a way to share the love I have with others. I think we people have a great capacity to love but most of our lives we struggle to share it. I now found someone like that, but even though my life-long dream was to become a father there's a very real possibility that will never happen. Because we're not in a position to provide for a child financially and by the time we might get there, we might miss our window. And our lack of property owned + my depression diagnosis would likely disqualify us from adoption. We did lose an unborn child recently and I'm still processing it. I can't keep using my creative projects as escapism (I can dig myself into such for years) because I have a life to live and no money to spend on production. So, while I am searching for easier projects that would allow me to relax and still create, I am also trying to make sure that when I die I'll have no love left in me unclaimed and unshared. And the thought that all kinds of people and beings out there might benefit from it somehow, that my unborn child could be among them and I can still make a difference for them. That's why I'm here now. And if I stray away for a while, it's probably what will bring me back too. Everything else I'll have to learn from others.

Oh dear, that sounds like you encountered some of the ‘strict brigade’. NewBuddhist is very much the other direction (the strict people gather at Dharma Wheel). I’d even say if meditation doesn’t feel at least neutral, then you’re doing something wrong.

For me, the early stages of Buddhism were about purification and watching things drop away. I don’t play computer games anymore, I watch vastly less television, I read a lot less fiction, I drink very little alcohol these days, among other changes which seemed to happen by themselves. So I won’t say Buddhism won’t change your life but you will likely be happier for it.

As far as a direction is concerned, you can’t really go wrong, each tradition has good teachers and less good ones. But even from a poor teacher much can be learned, in the end learning to tune in to your own inner compass is the most important skill.

Thank you. Could be when I get there. I'm not really driven to do that just yet. Perhaps if I properly practice and I find that these emotions make progressing difficult.

I've yet to properly practice Tonglen, I'm looking forward to it, but I take my sweet time like with pretty much everything. I did just write a prayer though in the spirit of Tonglen. A very personal one and it had a deep emotional effect on me as well (similarly, when I wrote some poems, I sometimes teared up over them, I preferred it that way). I feel like some things are starting to make sense to me emotionally as well, not just intellectually. Like vegetarianism for example or what I've read about the Bodhisattva path. Without mistaking emotional impacts for actual progress on letting go of some attachments, I am glad I'm somehow getting in synch with aspects of Tonglen.