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Falling out with family , Being accused of "preaching" and coming across "condescending"
zenmyste
Veteran
As far as i can remember ive always been into 'inspirational' writers and books , and eventually came to meet buddhism and other philosophies etc etc!!!
But some people in my family dont like if i even mention 'inspirational things' and especially people like buddha, because they say things like "not everyone 'needs' buddhism and its for people who must need something in their lifes and we dont, we're happy without all 'this self help crap' and its all boring so shut UP!!!
They dont like what "im into", basically!
So my question is what is the answer here?
Do i just not speak of my interest when im around them? Which i think its a shame and not fair because thats ME - its who i am, its only an interest of mine! - and if they dont like that then im sorry but thats Me!
Theres things i dont like about others but i still 'aknowledge their interests in life'
But some people in my family dont like if i even mention 'inspirational things' and especially people like buddha, because they say things like "not everyone 'needs' buddhism and its for people who must need something in their lifes and we dont, we're happy without all 'this self help crap' and its all boring so shut UP!!!
They dont like what "im into", basically!
So my question is what is the answer here?
Do i just not speak of my interest when im around them? Which i think its a shame and not fair because thats ME - its who i am, its only an interest of mine! - and if they dont like that then im sorry but thats Me!
Theres things i dont like about others but i still 'aknowledge their interests in life'
0
Comments
Or don't badge it as 'inspirational' things - wisdom may be transmitted without any particular form or agenda.
In Zen Buddhist practice, the flavor I happened to choose, people sometimes sit silently together in meditation. I could be sitting next to a Ku Klux Klansman or the next coming of Christ ... and never know it. Something happens during meditation, but what that something is cannot be named and cannot be limited by opinions, inspirational or otherwise.
I am not trying to suggest that anyone simply remain silent about likes and dislikes. That would be another form of cowardice. But I am suggesting that there needs to be some revision of the 'importance' given to things. As Shunryu Suzuki once observed about Zen practice, "It's important, but it's not that important." A well-decorated "altruism" is not the point ... the point is to get a clearer bead on this person who asserts importance in the first place.
Eg. I like brownies; you like Buddhism; here we are together and ... something happens.
I have been in that situation myself. Not happy that I am seen that way, and feeling that it is the opposite of how I imagine myself to be.
There is very little about your path that you can share with people unless they are reading the same material and have similar views.
Don't waste your breath. It doesn't help them or you.
The Buddha gives 5 criteria for speech -
The criteria for deciding what is worth saying
[1] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial (or: not connected with the goal), unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.
[2] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.
[3] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, but unendearing & disagreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them.
[4] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.
[5] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.
[6] "In the case of words that the Tathagata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing & agreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them. Why is that? Because the Tathagata has sympathy for living beings."
— MN 58
Notice that EVEN when what you want to say is factual, true, beneficial, and endearing/agreeable there is STILL a right time to say something.
Hence the Buddha's sermon with the flower-twirl.....
When people get offended at hearing things from others, it's generally because it is challenging their own views and most people don't like to have to think about and challenge the cocoon of beliefs (or lack thereof) that they have built their life around.
Whatever the situation, they are there to be your teachers. Instead of being offended by their words, ask yourself what you can learn from them. Can you practice compassion and acceptance anyhow? Patience? Right Speech? There is something for you to practice in there.
Its bollocks------ im not trying to preach at all. In fact, facebook has become like a diary for everyone, and i personally use it as a practice! If i am feeling anger or if i need alittle inspiration , i will post a quote on facebook, and ive been doing this for over 5 years, and its nice reading them back when i nip online!!!!
I am not preaching at all!
I just think its their own ''Insecurities"
@zenmyste, it sounds like members of your family have become habituated to being rude.
It also sounds like they may view your independence in choice of spiritual tradition to be an affront to the choice they've made. These sound like narcissistic people. They're caught up in "self". View them with compassion. I don't know if it would help to ask them to stop being rude. Personally, I never mentioned Buddhism to anyone in my family. It might be best to create a family for yourself from your friends who enjoy discussing philosophy, and such. If you don't have friends who are open-minded and intellectually curious about things like that, make it a project to find some.
Do you think, if these were actual conversations, say at a big family dinner, they would say the things they do to your face? or it is simply a case of people acting differently because they feel it's ok to do online?
It could just be an 'inspirational quote or sonething 'uplifting' and they dont like it!
They think im trying to directly preach to 'them' that im a certain way and their 'not'
But its honestly not like that, i literally could just put a "quote" on (for my own inspiration for the day) and they dont like it!
They also say things like; buddhism and other philosophy is too deep, it isnt good to get into!
P.s ( we had an uncle who died because he took philosophy and religion to far ( especially christianity) and he commit suicide because he simply couldnt cope with all the deep stuff.. Like, meditating, god stuff, questions he couldnt find answers to etc etc !
Perhaps my family are just little scared of 'philosophy' - maybe they have been scarred!
I think there is a period in Buddhism when you are so enthused that you DO relate every conversation to buddhism. Eventually you just chill out and BE buddhist instead of TALK buddhist. I remember when our dog died my mom was saying at the vets "isn't his head just so perfect" and I was taking refuge in the triple gem and thinking very much on Buddhism. I said "as it is" and I felt good about being true to Buddhism. So I can see why you want to share, but it can get excessive if you relate every single thing to Buddhism.
Some people feel sick when they talk about deep things, and that's just the way THEY are.
Additionally, how can you say it is a "universal truth", when we on this forum are constantly debating various points of it?
And who exactly do you include in a "low grade of people"?
Shunryu Suzuki
"No need to tell them."
me
_/\_
You might not be able to do what needs to be done. Do you talk the talk but fail to walk the walk? Are you a self righteous jerk like me or a profound practitioner of the dharma?
We await your inspiration but hopefully it will be silenced :banghead:
Because they are falling out with me, they are thinking i am something im not!
They dont like the road im going down ((buddhist by the way))
They think its all too deep and holy!
Should i go on?????!
They are my family and its becoming where 'my' path is making us all fall out!
"Why do you 'need' a path" - they ask!
Its a shame!
But we love each other, we're family even when we can't stand being around each other much, and it takes more than saying or acting stupid to cause a falling out.
So your family thinks you're being a jerk about your religion? Doesn't mean they don't still love you and consider you one of their family. Or at least it shouldn't, in the family I was raised in. So tell them, "Yeah, I can be preachy sometimes. Just tell me when you think I'm going on too long and I'll shut up for a while. Thanks for letting me know." Then give him a hug or slug him on the arm or whatever you folks do in your family.
It's family. Whatcha gonna do?
They dont like the road im going down ((buddhist by the way))
They think its all too deep and holy!
Should i go on?????!
They are my family and its becoming where 'my' path is making us all fall out!
"Why do you 'need' a path" - they ask!
Its a shame!
Okay, so they're stating what their beliefs are about what you are saying.
And here you are stating your beliefs about what they are saying.
They don't like the road you are going down.
You don't like the road they are going down.
Seems like a pretty fair balance to me.
He verbally abused the Buddha in many different ways stating that his teachings were wrong and that he should be chased out of the country.
When he had finished the Buddha asked him if he ever had guests in his house? Yes said the brahmin. Do you offer them food and drink? Of course he replied. The Buddha then asked him if they choose not to accept it then to whom does it belong? It belongs to me said the brahmin.
The point is that the grief your family gives you belongs to them. It only becomes an issue for you if you choose to accept it.
Good luck!
I think that says it all.
They dont like the road im going down ((buddhist by the way))
They think its all too deep and holy!
Should i go on?????!
They are my family and its becoming where 'my' path is making us all fall out!
"Why do you 'need' a path" - they ask!
Its a shame!
Should go on cause buddha gotama was also being strongly against on his search for why so many bs going on and on and no one could satisfy him with a reasonable answer, not everyone love to become buddha as they do not yet conditioned. They cant and not able to save you from suffering for true bliss. So, it is natural for slight disagreement that you have encounter. No pain no gain.
There's nothing wrong with not posting what you know will upset someone, just because you don't want to upset them. I guess everyone just has to decide what's more important to them, exercising their rights versus not upsetting someone.
So, given Facebook's morphing over time I can see why there is concern about what to do with Facebook pages.
But back to the OP's topic, falling out with family need not be caused "permanently" by having a developing personality that is independent of what their views are. My father was practically minded, and his religion, such as it was, conflicted with my developing ideas.
I was unhappy growing up for decades listening to him tell me to be more practical (monkey sense practical). Now I learn that in some limited ways I think he was right (monkey mind?). He had some insights that I actually adopted once the antagonism faded with time(monkey mind concept, yes, but how I have words now to explain this).