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Expletive this city
fixingjulian
Explorer
I'm feeling rough and I'd love to hear others' thoughts on my experience.
On Sunday I got back from serving an Goenka Vipassana course for 3 days. Although the course was only 3 days it was the most transformational one yet. I made very close bonds with the people working there and upon returning to my house in the city I missed them dearly.
We worked in the kitchen close to 12 hours a day and whenever things went wrong or someone was mad at another, and it happened often, they would TRY to foster compassion and give others the benefit of the doubt. A particularly strong meditation session convinced me to correct a miscommunication with someone who I viewed as aggravating. We had a great talk and that person revealed their life story and I could really understand them after that.
Leaving the camp I had never felt more proud, more happy, more confident, more clear and more mature. Then... driving through a rich neighborhood when I got back to my home city the terror hit.
I'll probably never be that happy again! In the city VALUES are different. For example; in the meditation camp, we as a community chose specific values. Learning over results. Patience over efficiency. Helping others above serving ourselves. Taking the minimum over hoarding for ourselves. We all earned each other's respect. We did our part and were proud to be doing that.
In the city, this cannot exist, at least not in my city. Such little value is placed on happiness or the factors that lead to happiness. I saw a rich person's house all made of stone with these perfectly trimmed rectangular bushes. To the headspace I was in this was so INSANE!!! a) just let it grow, way more beautiful, b) why would you ever spend resources on such selfish petty needs that will bear so little happiness! Use your limited energy to love and to learn and to serve and to grow! c) To the average person in this city, this house would be desirable and they wouldn't realize the amount of neuroticism that was actually behind it.
So... after 3-4 days of being in the city, I'm back to being the same old person. That house is looking pretty sweet and I want it so that I can hide in it and the stone will keep me safe from the elements and the well trimmed bushes will keep me safe from the neighbors' judgment and it will also make them feel inadequate and it will look like I have my shit together.
I have redeveloped an aversion to life and I am clinging for my old habit of smoking. I have no one that I respect and no one that respects me. And even if I did get a piece of happiness, so what, it would just get Sh*t on over and over by people in the city until I was just like everyone else. I want to give but these people lack understanding.
If you are someone who is lucky enough to understand where I'm coming from can we discuss alternatives to this lifestyle? Are there any different kinds of cities out there? Is it a culture thing? Is anyone coping well and can give me a different perspective of their lives or how they manage?
My city is Toronto Canada by the way. It's terrifying because you adapt to your environment, and 2 hours of meditation a day isn't enough to prevent that. I can't spend my life in a meditation camp.
Many, many thanks,
Julian
On Sunday I got back from serving an Goenka Vipassana course for 3 days. Although the course was only 3 days it was the most transformational one yet. I made very close bonds with the people working there and upon returning to my house in the city I missed them dearly.
We worked in the kitchen close to 12 hours a day and whenever things went wrong or someone was mad at another, and it happened often, they would TRY to foster compassion and give others the benefit of the doubt. A particularly strong meditation session convinced me to correct a miscommunication with someone who I viewed as aggravating. We had a great talk and that person revealed their life story and I could really understand them after that.
Leaving the camp I had never felt more proud, more happy, more confident, more clear and more mature. Then... driving through a rich neighborhood when I got back to my home city the terror hit.
I'll probably never be that happy again! In the city VALUES are different. For example; in the meditation camp, we as a community chose specific values. Learning over results. Patience over efficiency. Helping others above serving ourselves. Taking the minimum over hoarding for ourselves. We all earned each other's respect. We did our part and were proud to be doing that.
In the city, this cannot exist, at least not in my city. Such little value is placed on happiness or the factors that lead to happiness. I saw a rich person's house all made of stone with these perfectly trimmed rectangular bushes. To the headspace I was in this was so INSANE!!! a) just let it grow, way more beautiful, b) why would you ever spend resources on such selfish petty needs that will bear so little happiness! Use your limited energy to love and to learn and to serve and to grow! c) To the average person in this city, this house would be desirable and they wouldn't realize the amount of neuroticism that was actually behind it.
So... after 3-4 days of being in the city, I'm back to being the same old person. That house is looking pretty sweet and I want it so that I can hide in it and the stone will keep me safe from the elements and the well trimmed bushes will keep me safe from the neighbors' judgment and it will also make them feel inadequate and it will look like I have my shit together.
I have redeveloped an aversion to life and I am clinging for my old habit of smoking. I have no one that I respect and no one that respects me. And even if I did get a piece of happiness, so what, it would just get Sh*t on over and over by people in the city until I was just like everyone else. I want to give but these people lack understanding.
If you are someone who is lucky enough to understand where I'm coming from can we discuss alternatives to this lifestyle? Are there any different kinds of cities out there? Is it a culture thing? Is anyone coping well and can give me a different perspective of their lives or how they manage?
My city is Toronto Canada by the way. It's terrifying because you adapt to your environment, and 2 hours of meditation a day isn't enough to prevent that. I can't spend my life in a meditation camp.
Many, many thanks,
Julian
4
Comments
My partner has done a number of Goenka retreats. She says this phenomena of Goenka students struggling to adjust to the transition from the intensity of the retreat back into to daily life, is common.
Many folks coming to Zen meditation instruction, from a Goenka background, seemed to be searching elsewhere for this same reason.
From a Zen prospective, if you associate a particular phenomena or attitude of mind with meditation and seek it, then suffering is the result. If you can let go of any expectation of such things then the acceptance & equanimity that evolves in its place will make where ever you live just another part of your retreat.
Toronto is indeed busy. I live in Vancouver but have family in Toronto and I've visited often enough that I consider it a 2nd home. I don't think I could handle that sort of "Money and busy-ness = success" atmosphere.
But try to avoid the "grass is greener" syndrome! It's like that in many places (and arguably everywhere).
I think you could try to do some metta practice to reduce your negative attitudes towards others in your city, as well as yourself for being in this situation. Everyone else is suffering along with you - it often feels like we're alone in this suffering, but in reality it's quite the opposite. It's just that others may not realize it or want to express it as the latter is a bit taboo; admitting weakness is a big no-no in our performance and success-driven society.
So try to see others not as "sheeple" who "don't get it," but rather as other beings who are probably feeling the same way you are, but don't have the opportunity to realize it/express it. You can try to help them instead of seeing them as obstacles or enemies.
I know I'm not really giving any concrete "answers," but I hope that you'll get a bit of a different perspective that may help you cope with life in T.O.
We have hospitals in the little town I live in and in the nearby area, about 7 miles to furthest of three hospitals nearby. So basic health needs can be cared for. I would say, seek out a center for meditation and a teacher, and talk a lot to the folk there. What you seem to need is company of like- minded folk, and that can often be found closer than people think. The nearest Sangha to me is 250 miles away.
As to adapting to environment, you have a home and can make it a place like you want to have for environment inside if you own it. Make your home conducive to practice of meditation and contemplation, and you have a refuge. Look at the pics of riverflow's little altar on this site, he rents an apartment. So even if you rent, there ar things you can do. Environments are made.
I'm happy to hear you found a nice slice of sublimeness in retreat. Ideally, this is a beautiful way to live in a community. It may be hard transitioning to city life, or in general previous-cultures. I have not gone on a long retreat before, but I did spend about 11 months living in japan and their whole life philosophy and life style is different. Formality, honor, self-control, for-the-horde mentality at times, yet it was all greatly peaceful and lovely. I really felt at home there. Even in a busy intersection things were relatively quiet. When I came back to the US I did pretty much spill my skittles. Why are there so many cars? Why are these streets so wide? Why is everything so noisy? I was simply filled with stupefaction and at times frustration. Compounded with this feeling of estrangement and non-belonging. It was hard, but in many ways familiar, which was perhaps the most troubling of things. Alas, it was hard at first to even try and articulate or communicate how I felt. One of my earliest memories in my reverse culture shock was coming out of a parcel delivery place to find a gigantic UPS truck looking me in the face. Those things are huge! Whaaaa~~~?
So, firstly, I must simply point out that you are not alone. I feel you, man. Milarepa once said "sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and bear it."
There is, of course, bright news. So, for oneself, perhaps a little peace is enough. But when you consider the many many, many people who are out suffering, starved, then one's eyes can really open up to helping a community develop and grow. "Forsake no one" .. even the guy with the stupidly huge house modeled on oldschool roman toilet seats has got problems, not just taste or practicality problems, but also the most fundamental problems: life is changing, life can be really shitty, people get sick, people transition, etc. We all face these basic problems, and in that we're equal. Whether we know to smile and say thank you, or do seemingly outrageous things, there is a lot of habit-potential behind what we do and what we're accustomed to.
Mother Theresa once said "People are more starved for love and appreciation than they are for bread"
And she also said "We can do no great deeds. Only small deeds with great love."
So take it as a challenge and a testament to your practice. Just like a train ride, all phenomena are impermanent, so you need not sweat it. It's not a forever thing, find peace in that. And above all, try and be skillful in teaching what you know, and continue to learn. This night I read a beautiful passage in Shantideva's "the way of the bodhisattva" about how Buddhas see themselves as all beings, and thus when we interact with beings we are also directly interacting with Buddhas. Make no enemies, grow your love, and appreciate the good in people.
Might I also suggest multiple sits throughout the day. Eyes slightly ajar. That way your "meditative mind" mingles with other times, too.
Peace and love, in truth may you always dwell my friend.
. . . You left . . .
How do we attain and stay or accept 'what is' as acceptable?
There are three ways:
The first is practice.
The second is the same as the first.
The third is different to the first but the same as the second.
Peace and more Peace
^^A talk by Ajahn Brahmavamso I think you might enjoy.
Happiness isn't something that exists in that camp, somewhere else, or anywhere for that matter. Happiness is a change of view. Happiness is trying to figure out why seeing your neighbor's perfect hedges seems to cause you such suffering, and then, realizing your suffering is self-inflicted, like most suffering tends to be. "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Yeah, over-quoted and cliche, maybe... but also incredibly relevant. Challenge yourself to see the good in people instead of the bad. Challenge yourself to see the good in your city instead of the bad.
For the record, I live just outside of Detroit and I love it here.
Its all a con.
Beneath the surface of that lake terrified creatures are being hunted by hungry creatures..its death and mayhem. That bird is signalling its territory against the claims of other birds..Everything is eating everything else.
We are thrown into this world without our consent. We die.
There is no refuge to be found from or in sentient existence.
But there is an unborn, an unmade, a deathless. Which cannot be found by altering our circumstances. It requires going inwards."
Pema Chodren.
It's funny, because the people who are in our group, many of them have lived here for all their lives, or for many years and I have never heard of them, except for one lady. The rest of them are like ghosts in our community. Quietly going about their ways, participating in parts of the community that are hiding in plain sight, that you won't see until you know how and where to find them. I suspect it is the same anywhere.
I understand where you're coming from, don't get me wrong. I've never been to Toronto but I have lived in similiar places and I too had to learn how to skilfully navigate (in both a metaphorical and literal sense) through wealthy neighborhoods with their overpriced houses and perfectly manicured lawns, just as I had to learn how to travel through impoverished areas. Both require a different kind of understanding, imo.
I suppose one could start by considering the fact that everything is relative - someone with a million dollar home may be looked down upon by those who are ultra rich. Perhaps that person paid a million dollars just for their yacht and owns several homes. Similarly, many of the people who are poor in North America, where practically everyone at least has electricity and flush toilets, would be shocked by the living conditions of the poor in other nations.
I used to feel anger toward the very rich, mainly because they consume more in resources than they put back in taxes. Thanks to Buddhist teachings, I began to see things differently when I considered just how unhappy many of them are, how inadequate they must feel to have to derive their self worth by the car they drive or the brand name clothes they wear. How they constantly worry about their reputation and how they are perceived by other wealthy people. I can feel compassion for them now, even though I still feel the economic system is unfair and needs to change.
We are all suffering human beings and even though it is the poor who suffer more than anyone, I think there can also be a kind of freedom among the poor to just enjoy themselves that continually eludes rich people. Also consider countries where the gap between the rich and the poor is even greater than in Canada or America - places such as India or China. Yet many maintain a meaningful, happy, and spiritual life.
Don't go back to smoking if you can avoid it. That is slavery and will not bring true happiness. We can use external factors to justify drinking alcohol or smoking or taking drugs but usually it is just the addictive voice in our head making excuses to indulge one more time. Continue to meditate. Change your inner perceptions. Place an image of the Buddha on your wall. You are now living in a spiritual environment, no matter what the circumstances around you.
If it was easy, the entire world would be a retreat.
try to do the following whenever you feel or you can
whenever you 'see' something or someone (a wall, tree, man, child, dog etc) check whether you like 'it'
or
do not like 'it'
and then check
why do you like it?
or
why do not you like it?
whenever you 'hear' something (a song, cry, door-bang etc.) check whether you like 'it'
or .......
...
....
...
whenever you 'smell' something (perfume, food etc.) check.....
whenever you 'taste' something (fish, apple, cucumber etc.) check.........
whenever you 'feel' something ( rough surface, smooth carpet etc) check....
whenever you 'remember' something or someone (some one from the office, relation, friend etc) check..........
if you can increase the 'trying' time that is the 'right effort' you make
meditation is not a big deal
The environment up in my human face is my work environment, and not the physical or psychological demands of being an oncology nurse working in a corporate hospital entity, but the sub-environment of my co-workers.
It's a lot like family -- you can't choose who you are related to, and no matter where you work, you can't choose with whom you work. Of course you can, you can leave and go work somewhere else only to discover the same shit is there because we work with other human beings. What I mean by 'no choice' is a person can't choose the nature of with whom they work.
My responses, reactions and work on the matter are clear to me, which does nothing whatsoever to ease me. Obviously cultivating metta and equanimity is in order.
I slept for 12 hours last night! I'm off today, and tried real hard to get up after a nice 8 hours. I even blew off all but 15 minutes of meditation, I was SO tired in my mind and heart and have only experienced the beginning of peace and release in meditation.
The Dharma is everywhere, all the time. Whether or not it is respected and attuned to by the beings is another story. My task, if I am going to continue to work where I do without massive aversion and craving to be away from it is to spend the next couple of days working with metta or else I'm going to quit lol!! I've been an RN for 22 years, and this is only the 76,298,172 time I've had this same aversion/craving smothering me. This time, I'm going to work with metta, self-metta and tonglen and metta for the co-workers who I spent the last three nights wishing would evaporate and leave ANYONE ELSE in their place. Thank you for this, OP, your suffering is our suffering, you are so not alone. And there is so much comfort and solution, as it were here on this thread, so thanks to all who've shared and encouraged, too
Gassho
Where is the city in that paragraph? Hehe... I can't believe anyone would want to live in any city... ive always found them crowded, stiffling, over rated, and pretentious. I feel like I'm entering a prison whenever I enter one and maintain that humans were not meant to live in such conditions even though now for the first time in history more humans live in cities then outside them.
Of course this is all negativity in my mind, I can be happy no matter where I am if I tried, but I can't remember a time in my life I was ever excited to go in one. I feel like I should live in one for a year to develop some equanimity
I believe I am ready to do this with my own arisings. Yeah, I am. I'll find out if I'm not ready (unLOL). I am drawing a blank about 'must they be changed in some way'. I must do something. I'm open for specific suggestions, they'll be helpful for everyone.
Gassho
The specific question you might learn to address is how at core are 'aversion' and 'metta' different? Can you find their emptiness, their non arising start point. You may need the inner space and stability to do this. Do as much with this form as is comfortable.
Be careful. Trust your clear mind but not any arisings of emotive or mental mantles.
:wave:
Finding their emptiness, the non arising start point is out there in my NEAR future, I hopefully intend
The experience I had last three days (and have in general) arises in full gory glory and knocks me out before my beginner's concentration stillness has a chance to say "What's thi-"
I feel my body shudder and clench, my 'core' (chest, torso) feels a variety of burning, nausea, steel plate, and then my mind feels compassion, in it's infinite wonkiness, and provides such solutions as "don't you just want to be HOME right now instead of here? Wouldn't it be great if he/she just DISAPPEARED? Go over there and tell her XXXXX, that will fix it" ad NAUSEUM, most of which I am mindful of but by then am already in the soup.
I don't react outwardly all that much, if at all. It stays thankfully all up in my head doing as little damage to the overt interpersonal world as possible. Inside the exhaustion is severe (more at some times, like this one, than others).
I appreciate this experience for it's liberal learning opportunities. My goal is the eradication of aversion for the sake of my suffering and the suffering of all beings.
@Lobster thank you, I am now in observation, study and inspection mode in a more specific way.
Gassho
This might not apply to you and it is coached in zen speach but...
Aversion is a protective mode. It says that I think there is something within me that is vulnerable and needs to be protected.
My most successful method for addressing this and the suffering that it's causing is through surrendering it up.
By this I mean letting go of my protectiveness over whatever it is that is feeling vulnerable.
For me it always turns out to be an attachment to something. Release my hold on the threatened attachment and it dissipates along with the aversion.
Easy enough to say but doing seems to ask of everything possible as a cost.
Back to the OP and the 'assault' of the city upon him after the retreat (which is the exact same process I'm experiencing with different variables), what is it that, when 'threatened', causes the reaction of aversion?
I'm equating for myself being at 'home' in my personal environment with OP's retreat experience, but only in a process oriented way (not quality). My work environment experience is the equivalent of 'returning to the city' and experiencing the 'threat' to the something.
Whatever the something is, reactive aversion to protect it causes suffering. NOT the city, not the work environment. The attachment and the aversion arise from a single cause, then? For the sake of understanding dependent origination
It helps make things clearer if you directly address the person you are talking to or put their quote on your post.
Thanks a lot. I'm proud and grateful that my post resonated with you so
strongly.
It's a pretty old post so I feel like I can write a part 2. A sequel if you will. Thinking of calling it "On dealing with an insurmountable foe."
I hope you'll read it.
It's also probably going to pull a decent amount from these replies.
I see where you are coming from. I think it was just such a culture shock. You gotta picture going to Japan or somewhere with heavy formalities and feeling like what's the big deal, it was so much better where I came from because everyone was more at ease. It's just an example. Then it's that feeling of isolation and powerlessness with that.
And I think that it was more about highlighting the contrast in values between the retreat and this particular home. So yes, you are correct that I can't presume that their lifestyle doesn't make them happy. Let alone can I presume much from a set of well trimmed hedges.
And then I do think that people's homes have an affect on the environment and in turn an affect on me. So I think that on some level it's reasonable to feel a particular way about it.
I'll write it here