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How Long does it take for rebirth to happen?
It has been 49 days since my mother passed away. Is the rebirth supposed to happen today? Or is there a set amount of days? Can she choose not to reincarnate? Or maybe she is in pureland? or the "Sky land"? How do I know where she is? I feel my mom's spirt today. I heard her footsteps. I think she is still with me. I think she wont leave me to reincarnate.What do you all think?
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Well, what reincarnates is not all of your mom. Sorry.
When is left unsaid in the teachings.
@neverstoplovingmom What kind of Buddhism did your mother follow? Different schools teach rebirth in different ways. Some are more literal than others. I think that in any case, part of her spirit will always be with you.
What do you mean " not all of her"
I hope so. I don't think she followed too closely any strand of Buddhism. Probably Chinese, since that's what we are and not Tibetan.
@neverstoplovingmom I wouldn't know what kind that is, unless it's Chan (which in Japan is Zen). If so I don't think it teaches anything about a number of days, or how or when it happens. Chan/Zen are more about the practice than about theories. Cherish your memories of your mom, remember what she taught you, and time will heal all wounds.
There is a traditional amount of time in Tibetan, but I am not sure how long.
Time cannot heal the wound of losing my mother. I will be healed when I am dead.
@neverstoplovingmom It may not seem like it now, but the open wound will settle into a scar over time. The pain will not be as direct and piercing as it is now, but more like a dull ache; it's only been less than 2 months for you. Don't try to push down the pain or reject it. Allow yourself to feel it and grieve fully, or it would otherwise be drawn out and could lead to depression. I don't know you or your mom, but I know all mothers want their children to be happy, and she'd want you to move on and find your happiness (the same way a spouse would). I'm very sorry for your loss, and that there are no more answers I can give you.
This is not true.
Your mother had a mother and she survived her death and lived a full life it would seem and her mother before her and before her and so on.
Look around at all the people going about their way and each of them had a mother too and in turn they also have mothers.
We all go through what you go through.
It is not a wound left by your mother. The wound is self-inflicted.
Imagine a different life with different facts where you never cared for your mother at all - no pain at all at her passing.
However, you did care deeply for her and despite you cannot change the course of life with that care.
This I think is an issue - that you feel you have lost your anchor - the results of your caring contribution.
Think though that your nature to care is you and you haven't lost that.
Your mother's natural life was spent with you and you haven't lost that.
You continue to draw breath and you haven't lost that.
The things you think you lost were never yours to begin with.
The wound heals when you're ready to let it heal - stick with it and be honest with yourself and one day you will wake up and feel different.
Life moves on and nothing is lost - take heart and keep working through it - this is a substantial trauma that will take time to acclimatise to.
The death of a parent means that now the child IS the parent. It may not seem to be a pleasant responsibility, but it is a responsibility nonetheless.
My view is that people grow into their responsibilities at their own speed.
Unfortunately, no one can answer your questions with any sort of definition. It is all just a matter of theory and what others think happens after death. No one knows. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much. It does get better. 2 of my children lost their father when he was only 35 years old, and it was incredibly difficult. Some days, it still is. But it will be 5 years in June and they are doing very well. They are happy and active and successful in school, they enjoy their lives and they no longer cry. They still miss him, to be sure. And there is still pain there. But it is nothing like it was immediately following his death, which was sudden and unexpected. He went to sleep one night and simply didn't wake up. I hope you had the chance to say goodbye to your mother, because the alternative makes it even harder. It will be ok. But you have to allow it to be ok. Let yourself feel whatever you feel. But don't dwell on it and immerse yourself in it over some idea that it'll honor your mom's memory. That isn't what she would want for you. She would want you to be happy and to live your live. You will find ways to honor her as special days come up after more time passes. Plant her favorite flowers, make a meal you used to share together.
Even if she were to reincarnate today or any other day, there is no guarantee that you will know who she is. But that doesn't mean her spirit will ever leave you. They really do stay on as a part of us. You are, after all, made up (in part) of her.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” - Ekhart Tolle
If you are at all interested, you might find some comfort in some of the information and practices in "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche. It is based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead but an easier to understand translation. The first half of the book has to do with living in this life time, but the second half is about what happens when someone is dying and after they die,and things you can do to help them and help yourself. I found it most helpful when my grandmother was very sick. And it is never too late to do those practices for your mom (or anyone else).
That book is a stalwart in many a hospice, and has been translated and sold in great numbers.
It is actually the book that brought me to Buddhism.
I cannot praise it highly enough, and second @karasti's recommendation most strongly.
This thread has reminded me of a story. A king once brought in a Buddhist monk to come up with a family blessing for his line. The monk presented the king with the following:
Grandfather dies,
Father dies,
Son dies.
The furious king ordered two guards to seize the monk and asked him if he had any last words before he was killed. The monk explained, "No man should die before he sees his grandchild born and no parent should live to see his child die before him. The king, suddenly seeing the great blessing inherent in the words ordered the monk released with his apologies and gratitude.
Everyone dies. I know you are in pain and I am saddened for the pain you are experiencing, but your mother lived to see you grow into a compassionate adult, full of love for her. Few are as fortunate.
My mother's mother is still alive. Thanks for your thoughtful post anyways. I know my mother didn't inflict the.pain on me. She died of lung cancer and never smoked. She suffered so much that words cannot describe her pain..She had no.choice but to let go even though it the last thing she wanted to do. She was 56 so she didn't live a fill life, she worked her butt off as a single mother with an ungrateful son and a daughter suffering chronic depression(me) and then she went through a lot of pain as cancer spread from her lung to her bones and chest and then she died.
That may be so however the statement that only death may 'heal' the pain of loss is not correct in my experience.
I wish you the best of outcomes in this challenge.
Thanks Zero. I want to share a picture of my mom and to all of you. Many of you are very kind and I am sure my mother would appreciate it a lot. This picture is taken a month before she passed away. Her birthday is on Monday April 14. She would have been 57. I love you mommy. I will never forget you.
...and so are you.
So rather than mourn ceaselessly, and feel maudlin and morose, you should be celebrating with her and jointly rejoicing in the delight her life gave both of you.
Really; if your mother were to face you now, and see the despondency that has hit you - would she be glad you are in such a way?
Sorry for your loss, @neverstoplovingmom. I can imagine how difficult it's been for you. My mom just got out of the OR. She had open heart surgery, and it's pretty scary waiting to see if she' going to be OK. I know how hard it'd be for me if anything were to happen to her. There's probably not much anyone can say right now to help give you some comfort, but in time hopefully the pain will lessen.
What your going through brings to mind a line from Epicurus, who wrote, "We show our feeling for [deceased] friends, not by wailing, but by pleasant recollection." Sometimes, though, that's easier said than done. In my experience, fond memories and pleasant recollections of those we've lost often seem to accentuate the pain and sadness left in the void of their passing. But Epicurus has a point since life goes on and we gain little by allowing ourselves to give in to grief and despair, as hard as that may sometimes be.
I just hope you're able to set aside some of your pain and anguish long enough to remember the things you admired and loved about your mother, and to celebrate her memory as best they can. It may be small consolation now, but through your love and your time together, her memory will live on whether or not her spirit does.
As for your question, the answer will depend on the tradition. In the Tibetan tradition, for example, it can take up to 49 days, and those with a high degree of mindfulness are said to be able to direct this process. In Theravada, on the other hand, it's generally thought to be an instantaneous process. But there's really no way to know for sure if and where your mom will be reborn, unless of course your an advanced meditator and have developed what the suttas describe as the 'divine-eye.'
My sincere condolences for your loss. It must have been greatly traumatic and I wish you every success in finding your way through this period of acute change.
The picture is lovely, thank you for sharing it! It sounds like you had a very special relationship.
Keep your ears, eyes and most importantly, your heart open and you will hear from her often.
^^^ Gratitude to you.
I'd like to also thank you for sharing the picture. My mother-in-law, who I was very close to, died the same death. It can be very traumatic for the loved ones and my heart goes out to you.
I've refrained from offering this answer until now because I am moving, my books are in boxes and I can't offer you a verifiable reference but I am quite certain that in the book, Questions to a Zen Master, it was said that the time can vary between seven and forty-nine days. Keep in mind that this is only from one school of thought.
What a beautiful picture of you and your mother. You are so young to have to lose your mom
I am so very sorry. She looks like a very strong and wise woman. Thank you for sharing that picture . . . it really touched my heart for you. I have children your age and if I knew I had only a short time, I would worry about them losing me more than for myself.
Your pain is the pain of all children who lose a beloved parent. You aren't alone. My children have had their problems, and they never bothered me half as much as their problems bothered them. I just loved them, I couldn't not just love them and I always thought more about what they did right than what they did wrong no matter what I said to them about doing better. Mothers just helplessly love their children no matter what the children do, and your mother loves you and your brother far far more than any mistakes you every could make. The love is stronger than you can imagine -- you'll know how much your mother loved/loves you when you have your own children and become a mother yourself.
It won't be a bad thing to have happiness in your life even though your mother is gone. It won't mean you don't love her, and it won't mean you aren't sorry about all the trouble you gave her. For now it's OK to grieve and mourn her, and wonder where she is. It is OK to feel her near you, to talk to her and imagine she's there with you; heck we don't know for sure, she could be in some form. Everything will be alright; that is the the short version of the Buddha's message. You and your mother will both be alright, better than fine.
Hamsaka, thanks for the beautiful message. I am sure my mother agreed with you. My heart tells me I can never move on but I will live with this pain of losing her as i am sure she would be in more pain if she was the one who lost me. My mom was very strong and with her limited english skills in Canada, she suffered many hardships and every blood, tears and sweats she experienced was for her children (even after when we have already grown). I wish for nothing but to have traded places and died for her but its impossible.
@ neverstoplovingmom
I am sure your mom would not have traded places with you under any circumstances. If your mom was still hanging around, she would be saddened to see you in pain for your pain is her pain too.
It may be hard but you will need to let her go some day so that she/you may move on.
You have to give her your permission to do that first. Letting go is also the Buddha's teaching.
Metta
Your heart is in too much pain right now to tell you anything but "I'll never move on". Hearts just feel what's happening right now, but they don't always know the future. Don't worry about the future, though. Honor your pain, and in the Buddhist way, hold onto it lightly, not with a fist.
Mothers want their children to have long happy and full lives, that is a mother's greatest wish. She wishes that for you. You feel that you have already put her though terrible times? Then listen to her, she may disagree very much with you refusing a full, long and happy life for yourself. She would want you to at least try. Right now, maybe don't even try . . . but in your mother's honor, just be willing to let her have her wish for you. Even if you can't do it now, or even imagine it, tell yourself you are WILLING to do what she wants someday in the future. Let a tiny speck of light just sit there ready to make your mother happy. Don't refuse this to her.
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Maybe, the mind should let go.