Failed Purification
PSpic
Brighton New
For twenty years I have practised the traditional Mahayana Purification techniques, Vajrasattva and the 35 Confessional Buddhas every day. After completing 100,000 recitations of the long Vajrasattva mantra I observed no postive signs of purification. Then it occurred to me that I had not sufficiently employed the mind of regret. So I started again, completing about 10 weeks of Vajrasattva retreat over a few years, employing the mind of regret and the other opponent powers properly. I also did over 90,000 prostrations in conjunction with the 35 Confessional Buddhas.
After 20 years I see no signs of purification, in fact my obstacles, ineptitude in relationships, practical stupidity and other negativities are as strong as ever. I experience no more mental peace than before.
Oh well, I tried. Hell realms, here I come! I wonder who else has had similar experiences.
Comments
You had time for a relationship with all that?
Hope you have good company where you are going.
"Whether you think you can,
Or whether you think you can't -
You're right."
Henry Ford.
If after all this effort you see only detriment and poor progress - or none at all, maybe it's time to change your methodology.
I am of the personal belief that one single, heartfelt sincere wish for Purification, is more effective than 1,000 efforts with a concrete objective.
The probable aim is to have No objective.
" 'Do' or 'Do Not' - There IS no 'Try'. " Don't try (aim) for Purification.
Just know that you are Purified.
Forgive me if my terminology is, hmm, wonky, I am still a beginning Buddhist.
I have heard it said that there is the merit of intention, of thought, and of action. By expressing your wish for purification you might gain much purity of intention, but it would not surprise me if it does not improve your understanding, insight and wisdom in taking actions that are pure, or maintaining good relationships.
Developing ones understanding of wisdom in actions and speech is a process that requires much self examination and the development of insight into others. But a lack in these areas does not mean one is bound for the hell realms, in my understanding.
Yes that is my condition too. However I started pure and aimed for ordinary impurity.
Your efforts sound like someone who makes no efforts to develop aptitude, wisdom, or a positive attitude but feels that raising their left leg and chanting 'make it so' will achieve miracles. Did your teacher not modify your expectations?
As for hell realms, you don't sound unduly worried, so I guess you don't actually believe what you have said?
Wow, that is a lot of time. I am doing preliminary practices and I start to go a little crazy trying to get in 108 repetitions of almost anything!
As I understand, the practices aren't meant to cleanse you. You are meant to cleanse yourself by doing the practices. They teach you humility and self-forgiveness. It is not the practice that failed, but for some reason you are unable to forgive yourself. I'd focus more on that and explore it rather than continuing to repeat Vajrasattva mantra. The point isn't that the words magically remove guilt and regret. It is to provide a single point of focus for you to be able to do it for yourself.
Give it some time. As you get older you will be limited as far as what impure actions you may take. Which explains why a lot of people have impure actions in the first place.
Is there any thing that could adequately reward any effort?
I doubt it, but I wouldn't try to dissuade anyone else.
My feeling is ... You want gold stars? Go to WalMart!
@PSpic
Well, Your honesty certainly comes through loud and clear.
Can you see any development of empathy, sympathy, love, tenderness, compassion, benevolence, wisdom or selflessness?
Can you direct some of that honesty within to see if you are grasping for your purification, which is one of suffering's causes?
What, like these guys....? I think it will take a lot more than Gold Stars.... By comparison, I would estimate our OP has attained Sainthood!
Does your teacher have a point of view re your perceived lack of progress?
@PSpic what do you believe are the signs that you are or are not purified?
"After 20 years I see no signs of purification, in fact my obstacles, ineptitude in relationships, practical stupidity and other negativities are as strong as ever".
How did you practice?
Was it something like this?
Thanks folks for your comments.
Federica: I'm sure I have had this strong wish for purification that you talk about Maybe I'm one of those who take more time than others.
Cinorjer: I have had no relationships for 20 years, although I have been open to possibilities. At least I know where that karma comes from.
Maybe your wish is too strong, and you are clinging to a desired result.
Don't bind your strings too tightly...
Nobody knows for sure where their Kamma comes from. All we can control is where it's going.
I don't agree that purity is needed for relationships so the cause of not having relationships might be something else than a lack of purity. Many impure people have relationships. I would study relationships themselves and what they need rather than study purity and hope that leads to relationships.
And by relationships what do you mean? Friendships too? Or just romantic?
Practical stupidity might also not be related to purity.
I am going to hell on a regular basis - Demons to feed, Boddhisatvas to tell, 'enough with saving all sentients already', rescuing of tantric failures ... that sort of thing
I also like to keep on friendly terms with Mara Lucifer and her horde of forty virgins, being kept hot and bothered awaiting Islamist Jihadi extremists ...
Now back to our friend the unpurified Tantrist @PSpic ... mmm ... what to do? Can we convert him to basic dharma practice maybe?
... onward to the next twenty years ...
Maybe gospel of Garth Brooks (I've got friends in low places) needed also? (Not to be confused with the gospel of Wayne and Garth)
I do understand how it can be hard to make friends. I had no friends myself aside from the internet (or family) from 2006 until 2013. That is seven years for me and it was hard. I even have one friend now who is on autism spectrum that made it hard for him at times to have friends outside of family. I was on schizophrenic spectrum myself and that made it hard for me to make friends. But do you see that those are medical neurological conditions and unrelated to 'purity'?
Dem virgins are virgins no more. Remember that lots Of guys gone dere already?
LOL think those demonic virgins are female? Male? They will be lucky to get inhuman to match their efforts. Oh those Jihadis are they in for a wild ride. It is partly Allah's hell after all ...
This put me in mind of one line from a marvelous little British film called "Le Weekend" from 2013. A husband and wife take an ill advised trip to Paris on their angst filled 30th wedding anniversary. The wife is speaking to a handsome young man on the balcony of a party she and her husband are reluctantly attending and his response to her complaints about her dissatisfaction is priceless and apropos here:
"What a great thing."
" What?"
"To be so attuned to your own unhappiness."
-What else did you do?
I hope so. Otherwise it is back to Dharma Walmart and the beginners corner from where I sit ...
Closed, until OP returns. Absent since opening thread.
Should the OP wish to re-open the thread, very happy to do so; just drop me a PM.
Thanks to all for your contributions.