Sometimes I have moments of clarity and feel like I'm where I am meant be on "the path" but mostly I feel confused a lot. I tend to have a pile of dharma books, usually 5 or 6, that I voraciously read at the same time thinking that if I can just get all this information into my head then something will click and I will 'get it'.
It's not like I'm a beginner at this as I have been meditating twice daily for 5 or 6 years as well as attending some retreats and trying to attend sangha when possible but a lot of the time I feel like something isn't right. Like this practice that I'm doing is not changing anything or going anywhere. I don't feel happier I know that much.
I hear teachers speaking and writing of "insight" and how vipassana allows us to "see things as they are" etc. But when I sit I don't see much at all. It's like there is nothing much to see. Sometimes I feel a sense of spaciousness and stillness but most of the time it's just thought and some sensation. It really doesn't seem profound in any way. Is it supposed to? The way people speak it all sounds very profound and mystical and so I guess this has led me to expect something to happen, the penny to drop.
So I have been told perhaps I need a teacher. I'm not sure how I get one or what having one entails. Can I just go up to a teacher or monk at a Sangha and say "hey wanna be my teacher"? Once I find someone who agrees to be my teacher does this mean I get private lessons? Or that I can call them for help when I need to? Do I need to pay them?
I have a bit of a fear about asking people for help. I feel like I am an annoyance to them or that they might think I'm an idiot and reject me. So being able to actually ask someone to be my teacher is no easy feat.