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On giving unsolicited advice

marcitkomarcitko Veteran
edited November 20 in Sanghas

Hello everyone,

I think this should have been something that I should have resolved ages ago, but I have not, so here is an open question to everyone.

Is it appropriate to give unsolicited advice? I've recently come to believe that it's not, but am curious what you think.

I frequently find myself giving unsolicited advice. Even while I'm giving it, I cringe internally, chastise myself later, and from experience feel like this does not do much or any good.

Should I just stop?

Seems to me, when people actually ask, and of all people ask you, that's a whole other situation in which advice-giving and experience-sharing can be actually suffering-lessening.

Thoughts?

Comments

  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Yes. But it's so hard when people you love are mad at YOU, because THEY'RE stupid. I'm so tired of having to pussyfoot round people who clearly have no clue, because being intelligent is also being made to shut up as a minority voice.

    VastmindJeroen
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    edited November 22

    I can only take so much of the ‘I want to vent, be heard, accept no advice person’ ….it seems every group…friend or family…has that one who is always in crisis and wants the petting, the validation of feelings, without doing any damn thing to change their situation. No, I dont want you to emotionally dump on me, then say im wrong for offering insight or another perspective. If you know me well enough to dump then you also know I speak frankly, am a very straight shooter, and yes, will listen to the details, in order to help. If you want a spoonful of sugar, I’m probably not your person. That doesn’t make me wrong, insensitive, or pushy. And telling you the truth about your situation( as I see it) …isn’t disrespectful. And yes, I’m open to receive what I give. 💯

    marcitkofedericaShoshin1
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran

    Some sage advice passed down through the ages that can help.

    marcitkoSteve_B
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    Skilful means can be employing a loud voice, sometimes. But more often not.

    marcitkoperson
  • If you’re cringing inside, are you able to discern how they’re reacting?

    It’s been my experience that when a friend opens up to me, they usually want the human connection, the sharing of experiences and feelings, not a lecture on what they did wrong. I’m the friend, not Dear Abby. And if they specifically solicit advice, I usually find it more helpful to say how I interpret the situation, rather than issue instructions. Much more helpful. Overview and perspective are often what’s missing when someone is in a “situation.”

    personShoshin1marcitko
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran
    edited November 23

    I don’t think the OP was asking HOW to give advice….i think it was whether you should give it at all. If I know a person is not interested (based on previous venting sessions) in solving an issue or getting out their crisis jacuzzi, ……..I politely nod, and half ass listen. Why? Venting and emotional dumping can be unhealthy for both parties. Yes, I’m your friend…I can relate when it applies, share my experience or tools….but I’m not a therapist/Monk/life coach. If one continues to make bad choices, Right Effort and Right Action needs/should be applied. If this person becomes someone I dread being around, due to the dumping….i will then bend my neck to avoid them. If it’s an occasional spill by an associate or someone I’m occasionally around…I listen and offer no advice. It’s their life and we’re all trying to figure it out.

    Skillful venting and the human connection:
    https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_venting_your_feelings_actually_help
    =)

    Now that this is a full on Sanga meeting…who brought snacks???

    federica
  • Skillful means is to shut up and go with the flow, and let time settle things down. Also, karma works in mysterious ways. Give it a try and be kind.

  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    I never feel the need to vent my feelings, does that make me odd?

  • Chilled dude :)<3

    federica
  • @federica said:
    Yes. But it's so hard when people you love are mad at YOU, because THEY'RE stupid. I'm so tired of having to pussyfoot round people who clearly have no clue, because being intelligent is also being made to shut up as a minority voice.

    Despite being a minor stupidity, I am more than happy to listen to, give or provide evidence that everyone who takes a side is not practising a Muddle Way. Like what I does in my latest podcast ...
    https://audio.com/lobster/audio/time-to-meditate-for

    Of course, I am a Buddhist extremist. Here are some more clues:

    • Opinions v FAQs ... and how to not be bothered by either ...
    • I nose what I knows ... You too? Let's swap sides ...
    • Better odd than even, nobody wins an argument
  • This is not a clear "Yes" or "No"
    Circumstance, your relationship with the intended recipient, mental or emotional state of both giver and the receiver must be weighed.
    What makes it dangerous ground is the fact that, when given, it is when the intended recipient is not in the mood to receive advice not asked for.

    As @federica brought out, in different words, you are potentially walking through a minefield, treading upon egg shells.
    Having set off a few mines and broken my share of egg shells, my advice is, if you insist, proceed with utmost caution and wear a flameproof/bombproof outfit.

    Other than that, not a problem :pO.oB)
    Or as my dog would say, SQUIRREL!

    Peace to all

    lobsterpersonKotishka
  • On giving unsolicited advice

    Take my advice...I don't use it anyway...

    Any advice I might offer others must be the same advice I would take if I found myself in a similar situation to those whom I advised....

    VastmindpersonKotishkalobster
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