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On giving unsolicited advice
Hello everyone,
I think this should have been something that I should have resolved ages ago, but I have not, so here is an open question to everyone.
Is it appropriate to give unsolicited advice? I've recently come to believe that it's not, but am curious what you think.
I frequently find myself giving unsolicited advice. Even while I'm giving it, I cringe internally, chastise myself later, and from experience feel like this does not do much or any good.
Should I just stop?
Seems to me, when people actually ask, and of all people ask you, that's a whole other situation in which advice-giving and experience-sharing can be actually suffering-lessening.
Thoughts?
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Comments
If you make it clear you are just passing on your thoughts on a situation, by saying, my thinking on this is… or, I believe that… then very few people will take offence. But I only do this rarely. It’s not a good idea to become a fountain of unwanted advice, but offering your thoughts “for the conversation” is a relatively normal thing to do.
When I really want people to take note, I’ll usually say something like, don’t take this the wrong way, but I have some life experience that you could use to your advantage. I’ve found that with both of these formulations people will often at least consider what you say. But even then whether people will take it on board is very hit and miss.
So I’d say giving unwanted advice is not the worst habit, if you bring it with respect.
Skillful means is a term that Buddhists sometimes use to describe Dharmic teachings that are offered when a listener is actually ready to receive them.
Unskillful means are those attempted dharmic transmissions that are so bound up in our own egos that what is really being transmitted is our own underlying egotism.
With the average ego being such a slippery beast in daily life, it is a pretty big practicing challenge to get enough of yourself out of the way to know what is truly skillful compared to that which is not.
Sometimes you'll get it right, other times you won't, but I think the more important factor is
a real time examination of whether your offering of unsolicited advise results in a reduction or softening of the ego or does it result in an increasing or solidifying of it.
Example... at least3/4 of what I potentially write on NB never makes it to print because I am not sure if it is more beneficial than it is not..
Yes. But it's so hard when people you love are mad at YOU, because THEY'RE stupid. I'm so tired of having to pussyfoot round people who clearly have no clue, because being intelligent is also being made to shut up as a minority voice.
I can only take so much of the ‘I want to vent, be heard, accept no advice person’ ….it seems every group…friend or family…has that one who is always in crisis and wants the petting, the validation of feelings, without doing any damn thing to change their situation. No, I dont want you to emotionally dump on me, then say im wrong for offering insight or another perspective. If you know me well enough to dump then you also know I speak frankly, am a very straight shooter, and yes, will listen to the details, in order to help. If you want a spoonful of sugar, I’m probably not your person. That doesn’t make me wrong, insensitive, or pushy. And telling you the truth about your situation( as I see it) …isn’t disrespectful. And yes, I’m open to receive what I give. 💯
Some sage advice passed down through the ages that can help.
Skilful means can be employing a loud voice, sometimes. But more often not.
If you’re cringing inside, are you able to discern how they’re reacting?
It’s been my experience that when a friend opens up to me, they usually want the human connection, the sharing of experiences and feelings, not a lecture on what they did wrong. I’m the friend, not Dear Abby. And if they specifically solicit advice, I usually find it more helpful to say how I interpret the situation, rather than issue instructions. Much more helpful. Overview and perspective are often what’s missing when someone is in a “situation.”
I don’t think the OP was asking HOW to give advice….i think it was whether you should give it at all. If I know a person is not interested (based on previous venting sessions) in solving an issue or getting out their crisis jacuzzi, ……..I politely nod, and half ass listen. Why? Venting and emotional dumping can be unhealthy for both parties. Yes, I’m your friend…I can relate when it applies, share my experience or tools….but I’m not a therapist/Monk/life coach. If one continues to make bad choices, Right Effort and Right Action needs/should be applied. If this person becomes someone I dread being around, due to the dumping….i will then bend my neck to avoid them. If it’s an occasional spill by an associate or someone I’m occasionally around…I listen and offer no advice. It’s their life and we’re all trying to figure it out.
Skillful venting and the human connection:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/does_venting_your_feelings_actually_help
Now that this is a full on Sanga meeting…who brought snacks???
Skillful means is to shut up and go with the flow, and let time settle things down. Also, karma works in mysterious ways. Give it a try and be kind.
I never feel the need to vent my feelings, does that make me odd?
Chilled dude
Despite being a minor stupidity, I am more than happy to listen to, give or provide evidence that everyone who takes a side is not practising a Muddle Way. Like what I does in my latest podcast ...
https://audio.com/lobster/audio/time-to-meditate-for
Of course, I am a Buddhist extremist. Here are some more clues:
This is not a clear "Yes" or "No"
Circumstance, your relationship with the intended recipient, mental or emotional state of both giver and the receiver must be weighed.
What makes it dangerous ground is the fact that, when given, it is when the intended recipient is not in the mood to receive advice not asked for.
As @federica brought out, in different words, you are potentially walking through a minefield, treading upon egg shells.
Having set off a few mines and broken my share of egg shells, my advice is, if you insist, proceed with utmost caution and wear a flameproof/bombproof outfit.
Other than that, not a problem
Or as my dog would say, SQUIRREL!
Peace to all
Take my advice...I don't use it anyway...
Any advice I might offer others must be the same advice I would take if I found myself in a similar situation to those whom I advised....