New Spring Time Joke Thread.
Citta
Veteran
I'll start it off.
Two Consultant surgeons are having a quick round of golf before returning to their operating theatres.
There are two women several holes in front of them playing very slowly...it looks like the surgeons won't have time to finish their round.
One says he will ask them to speed up a bit. He starts off towards them, but stops, pulls his cap over eyes and walks back to his colleague.
" Whats up ? " asks his friend " Its my wife" he mutters, " and her partner is my mistress ! I didn't know they knew each other..."
" Oh dear" says the other man...Well I will go and ask them to speed up.
He sets off , gets close, and pulls his cap down over eyes and returns.
" What ?" says his friend.
The second man replies , " its a small world "......
Comments
Statistics and latest research shows that women who carry a little bit of excess midriff or pelvic fat actually live a lot longer than the men who point it out to them.
The economy is so back the Rock had to go back to wrestling.
Except now he just says can you smell what the rocks is cooking?
??
He had to cook his food on rocks
British Police humour Joke:
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim..... can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.
At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car..........
One day a guy gets up in the morning to find a large gorilla up the tree in his garden, perturbed he phones his local police station who tell him they are sending round someone who specializes in this sort of thing.
About half an hour later there is a knock at his door and when he answers he comes face to face with a little old man in a flat cap and overalls, who asks him if he's the fellow with the gorilla problem. When the homeowner says yes he says wait here I'll just get my gear from the van.
The little old man returns with a large stick, a ladder, a massive slavering rottweiler and a double barreled shot gun. He then proceeds to hand the rottweiler and the shotgun to the householder.
The old man explains his plan - he will take the ladder climb the tree and poke the gorilla with his stick, when the gorilla falls out of the tree the dog will bite the gorilla in the nuts rendering it immobile.
That's great said the guy but whats the shotgun for? The old man says if I fall out of the tree first shoot the dog.
an ant and an elephant both were riding their own bikes, came from opposite sides and had an accident. ant was safe, but elephant got major injuries and was admitted to ICU. why?
.
.
think think
.
.
think a little bit more
.
.
because ant was wearing helmet, but not the elephant.
then another ant was seen rushing to the hospital. when the ant was asked, why she was running, she replied - i am going to donate blood to elephant, as his blood group is in shortage.
an ant got married to an elephant. on honeymoon night, the ant whispered something in elephant's ear - hearing that, the elephant got heart-attack and died.
what did ant said to elephant?
.
.
think pls..
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you can think it - try try..
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the ant said to elephant - she is going to become mother of his child.
after the elephant's death, the ant was seen weeping and taking a spade to dig the ground - this continued for 7 days, but the ant kept on weeping - seeing this, another ant asked her that why she is crying so much? did she loved her husband elephant so much that even tough they were married for just 1 day and the elephant died on honeymoon night, still the ant is missing the elephant so much, because of which she is continuously crying for 7 days?
then the ant replied - no, i am crying over the fact that we were married for just 1 night and my remaining whole life will pass by digging the burial ground for the elephant.
Two middle-aged ladies, overheard, on a Bus;
"Well, call me old-fashioned dear, but shouldn't shorts BE longer than your vagina...?"
I lost the plot with that one and had sporadic fits of helpless, manic, laughter. Truly.
So much so that the tears ran down my legs....
I hope this one isn't too rude.
Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor ?
Make me one with everything!
In Alabama, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"For Sale - Talking Dog"
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
One for the Aussies:
There's a fellow called Trevor who is a member of Mensa with an IQ well over 150. While this is helpful, he also occasionally gets sick of basically knowing everything.
One day he's walking down the street and sees a new shop called "Andy's IQ Shop - get your IQ put up or down instantly" so he thinks he'll check it out.
He wanders in and finds Andy sitting at the front desk. He explains he wants his IQ put down to about 120. Above average but not too high.
Andy straps him into the IQ machine and pulls a lever. Instantly the needle shoots up to 155. He presses a button and Trevor's IQ starts to drop: 150, 140, 130, 120.......
When it gets to 120 Andy pulls the lever but nothing happens! Trevor's IQ keeps going down: 110, 100, 90, 80, 70.....
By this stage Andy is frantic! He is pulling at the lever like a mad man!
Trevor's IQ keeps dropping: 60, 50, 40, 30......finally it stops on 20.
Andy is mortified. What have I done? He unstraps Trevor from the machine (who is staring at him blankly) and says "Say something PLEASE!"
Trevor opens his mouth and says "Good old Collingwood forever......."**
** Insert song from most disliked sporting team here!
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
>
>
I have actually heard this joke 'the other way round' on tv. The (mixed) audience roared with laughter. London Apollo theatre. Can't remember the name of the comedian but he raised the roof with his routine, which included the joke above, about 'his mother'.....
New novice monk is on his way to the Shrine Room of his monastery, all newly shaved up and with splendid new robes, when he stubs his bare toe...
" Sod it ! " he says rather loudly..
" Oh shit I said sod " he continues loudly..
" Oh balls I said shit "..
" Oh fuck it I've gone off being a monk anyway ".
That one was brilliant @Citta.
A Texan meets a Harvard graduate and says "So where are you from?". The Harvard graduate replies "I'm from a place where we don't end our sentences in prepositions". So the Texan says, "Ok. So where are you from, jackass?"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
Mamma Mia!
Kia Ora,
Three Buddhist monks decided to practise meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration.
Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.
When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my underwear out to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.
The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine?
I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.
Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water.
This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”
Metta Shoshin
Kia Ora,
"Two friends meet on the street. One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?" The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks." "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?" "Yes, he is. But he is meditating now." "Meditating? What's that?" "I don’t know. But it's better than sitting around and do nothing!"
Metta Shoshin
Kia Ora,
:coffee: So, I hear reincarnation is making a comeback.
Metta Shoshin
Personnel director interviewing an older man for a job:
Director: What do you think your greatest fault is?
Man: Telling the truth.
Director: Really? I don' think telling the truth is a fault.
Man: I don't give a shit what you think.
Kia Ora,
A Zen student goes to a temple and asks how long it will take him to gain enlightenment if he joins the temple.
"Ten years," says the Zen master.
"Well, how about if I really work hard and double my effort?"
"Twenty years."
Metta Shoshin
Yeah just chill out in a lawn chair in front of the zen temple and drink lemon aid. ..
..
I thought zens were a pretty relaxed crowd. Just sitting on cushions all day?
Well here is my story ... and no it didn't happen in our home.
Two brothers 5 and 7 are peeping through the keyhole into the parents bedroom.
That unfair says the eldest. They are sending me to the doctors just because I suck on my thumb...
/Victor
Kia Ora,
Q: How much "ego" do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don't step in front of a bus.
Exchange between the Zen master and his student:
Student: What happens after death?
Master: I don’t know.
Student: How can you not know? You are a Zen master.
Master: Yes, but I’m not a dead one.
Metta Shoshin
Kia Ora,
I should point out I didn't bold that line intentionally...There's a Gremlin at work
Metta Shoshin
Kia Ora,
WARNING: A VERY FUNNY VIDEO WATCH A YOUR OWN RISK !
Young Thai Buddhist monks falling asleep during meditation practice...
Metta Shoshin
How to choose your religion.
http://contemplatingtruth.wordpress.com/breaktime/religions/
Kia Ora,
The perils of blind faith :
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, “We missed the ‘R’! We missed the ‘R’!” His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?” With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was… CELEBRATE !!!”
Metta Shoshin
God has created all the working components which go towards making a man, but can't be arsed to stick them all together, so he gives the box to the angels and lets them do it.
An hour or so later, they bring him the prototype.
"Holy crap, what the hell is that -?! " He exclaims, pointing to the prototype's groin.
"That's his.... Er, hang on... " (the angel checks the manual) ... "his 'scrotum' apparently... "
" But... But... It's HUGE! Why is it so big??"
"Well, you said it had to hold his balls, but you didn't specify the size..."
"Well they certainly don't need to be the size of grapefruits! How would he ever go jogging...!? No, they need to be the size of walnuts, but they'll still do the job..."
The angels haul the prototype away and come back half an hour later.
"There you go Boss, how's that?"
"Much better!" Exclaims God.
"Only problem is....." continues the angel, "we've got all this crimpled weird ball-sack skin left over... What do you want us to do with it? "
God thinks for a moment....
Finally he says,
"Oh, just slap it on the elbows - who'll notice?!"
Narcolepsy isn't funny, but even so - who would not rather be asleep with that noise going on in the background - he's being tortured ffs. Putting young kids through something they didn't ask for, but are living up to their parents expectations is poor form. especially if it is a recording.
Kia Ora,
Point taken on narcolepsy...But making funny of narcolepsy was not my intention...I know of lots of meditators who do not suffer from narcolepsy but doze off during meditation...And call me wicked but I can't help but laugh when they start to snore --:D __
However in regards to Thailand, I think it's to do with the parents who 'believe' that by having a son 'educated' at the local temple will accumulates merits for the whole family (and merits in Thai Buddhism are big bucks/business)
I guess along similar lines, it's not much different from Western parents who force their children to go to church/Sunday school or they'll burn in hell....
Metta Shoshin
Merit comes with what you do, not with what you put others through, especially your kin - that's plain laziness, and stinks of the attitude: If there is a God I'll do something to appease him, via my kids. Of course you can laugh - but will you laugh when someone takes a picture of you or your kid being 'slapped' and the video posted on social media - no - the line must be drawn somewhere.
Meditation can be boring, if you fall asleep, it's the wrong time or you need to go to bed.
My heart goes out to that kid, that's all.
Don't disagree with your final point about Westerners, it's just that barely anyone I know with kids sends their children to church on a Sunday... I'd not do it to mine.
Back to the OP:
From my 8 year old niece.
KNOCK, KNOCK
Who's there?
Cow's go
Cow's go who?
No they don't, cow's go moo.
Isaac The Mohel ( the man who performs Jewish ritual circumcision ) is retiring after 40 years.
Unknown to him his wife Sarah has saved all the foreskins he removed over the years..'just in case they come in handy '.
One evening a few days before the retirement party she has an idea, and sews all the foreskins together to make a little briefcase.
On the day of the retirement she proudly hands it over to Isaac, who is delighted by it.
" And that's not all" says Sarah, " if you rub it for a while..it turns into a suitcase !"
Three couples went in to see the local minister to see how to become members of his church.
The minister welcomed them, told them a bit about the church, and how it had some more...unusual requirements, for those seeking to join his flock.
As a mark of self-control, he explained that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
Well,the first couple was retired, so they advised the Minister that abstinence had been no problem at all.
The second couple, who were in their 40's with teenage kids, explained that it had been tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem.
The third couple, however, were newly~weds, and finally admitted that it had been fine until the new bride had dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT?!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newly~wed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, well..." (he squirmed a little) ..." I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Two female friends were having coffee.
The first said to the second 'You look tired '
"I AM tired " her friend replied " Its Fred, he is demanding sex sex sex all the time. Yesterday he even took me from behind while I was looking at the chickens "
" Gosh " said her friend, " that must have been a shock "
" It was" said the second lady, " we were in Walmart at the time"..
A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during
a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they
spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it
was
difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down
the
following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in
his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home
from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message,
she
screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2003
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here
now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
The difference between cats and dogs...
A cat and dog are sitting watching the man of the house trimming tree branches...
Suddenly his ladder slips and the man is left dangling from a branch 30 feet in the air.
" On no ! " Says the dog, " he's in trouble !
" Oh no ! " says the cat , " I don't know how to use the can opener ! ".
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were apes from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said theydeveloped from apes?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple.I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'