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@FleaMarket, I just thought of another teaching that I find very helpful.

Thanissaro Bhikkhu's description of Right Speech has helped me very much. He says to ask yourself three questions before you speak:

“Is it true?”
“Is it beneficial?”
“Is this the right time to say something pleasing or is it the right time to say something displeasing?"

An excellent summary of his teaching is here:
https://www.dhammatalks.org/Archive/Writings/CrossIndexed/Published/Meditations11/090828_ThePathtotheTop.pdf

@FleaMarket said:
Not knowing when to act, when not to act, and what to act on and what to not act on is giving me quite a headache lately.

@FleaMarket: Thanks for sharing this. I do this as well from time and time and regret saying something that was not skillful or not shared at the right time. I'm not sure if it helps, but I have tried to pay closer attention to my thoughts and body before I might say something that I would regret. I've noticed that there is very slight (and I do mean very slight) shift in energy before I speak if I might say something unskillful. It's almost like a pull to speak - as if "I know better" or "I have to share right now." The urgency and pull has typically indicated to me that I might need to wait and sit through the urgency. Then, if I still feel the need to speak later, I can do it in a skillful way. Often, the urgency drifts away and I realize that I really didn't need to say the thing I was thinking. I'm not sure if this is helpful, but paying attention to this energy shift and attitude shift has been useful for me. I still mess up sometimes, but a little less.

It is usually about becoming more sensitive, and paying attention to that sensitivity. It’s very easy to ignore your more sensitive nature, but instead to learn to listen to that little voice which tells you stop, you’re going too far, or you’re about to say something hurtful, and then to change your mind and say something softer instead with a slightly different meaning.

It is said, the mind is just your thoughts, or the ego doesn’t exist. The ego is elusive, it hides in amongst other impulses, but sometimes it makes a charge and grabs the reins. If you stay humble and stay sensitive, then it doesn’t get the chance.

Living in sensitivity is a good answer, it means the hardness of the ego slowly gets lost as sensitivity becomes a habit.

I hurt his feelings and feel I owe him a heartfelt apology.

Then apologise. Job done.

Nobody but you sees it your way. That is the same for all of us to a lesser or greater degree.

Fortunately I am always right about how wrong I am … who cares? Not me.
https://www.mindful.org/a-guide-to-practicing-self-care-with-mindfulness/

Ah, I see @how. This then brings me to the question about how to better identify when the ego is encroaching. In this instance it seemed to mask itself as helpful or tag along with some form of analysis or explanation and took over. I was not aware of it until after the fact and maybe I'm a bit sleepy but I'm having trouble seeing it even now in reflection. I just know it was involved but not clear on which parts.

If I follow the emotion experienced I encounter feelings such as frustration and concern. "I" want "my" point understood. "He" doesn't see it "my" way. I can follow the why to that question to find many more questions such as concern for his welbeing which is apparently my problem, and also my own self-interest in persuading him to join me in my perspective. I can continue in this fashion with some effort...is this the way to do it?

I did some contemplating on what's been said and see now some quick growing attachments to wrong views sprouted and muddied the waters.

The body and mind rebels against losing their stuff they like and having to do stuff they don't like. It mucks up the view with discomforts and so on. It seems such an easy thing to forget how to get out of the way once more, and so short lived when it's done right.

Frustration over obstacles, stagnation, or backwards progress is just a form ego takes to lure the self back into making decisions based on hindrances. This back and forth is beginning to feel more taxing than I'm used to, but even that is likely a misdirection.

Not knowing when to act, when not to act, and what to act on and what to not act on is giving me quite a headache lately.

@lobster Thanks, It was well received. I'm just bogged down in ignorance and delusion like usual.

Even a Zennist could do well in not trying to eliminate ones ego.
The meditation practice simply calls for us to stop living in thrall to it.
Just giving it, no more or less attention, than you would of any of your other sense gate information channels, can neatly side step suffering's traps of either clinging to it/denying it, or ignoring it.