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This Israeli guy finds himself sitting next to two Arabs on a flight. After a hour has passed he tells the Arabs that he is going to get himself a coke, and asks if he can get them one.. ' Yes thank you ' they reply. He gives then their cokes and the ice having been broken they start to have a relaxed and friendly chat. After a while the Israeli sighs and says 'why cant it always be like this ? ' The Arabs nod in agreement. He continues, 'Why all the bombing ? Why all the shooting ? Why all the pissing in the cokes ? '
For those men seeking to retrofit a flab-o-licious midsection, this tongue-in-cheek video was passed along today. There is a slight delay (be patient) before the seriously-flawed sales pitch begins.
For those men seeking to retrofit a flab-o-licious midsection, this tongue-in-cheek video was passed along today. There is a slight delay (be patient) before the seriously-flawed sales pitch begins.
That seriously made me laugh, and my daughter came in at the punch line to say 'what was that about daddy!"
In the garden of Eden lay Adam Complacently stroking his madam And loud was his mirth For he know that on earth There were only two balls And he had em
In the garden of Eden lay Adam Complacently stroking his madam And loud was his mirth For he know that on earth There were only two balls And he had em
Ha! Love a good limerick......
There was a young man from Kildare Who was f**king his wife on the stair When the bannister broke He quickened his stroke And finished her off in mid-air
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings."
0
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you, won't you, join the dance?"
A Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens. Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens." Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not. Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism: This shit has happened before. Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible. Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it. Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else. Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen. Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it. Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it. Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another. Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another. Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it. Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!) Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay. Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again. Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us? Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work. Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday. Creationism: God made all shit. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor -pray. Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind. Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit. Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit. Utopianism: This shit does not stink. Darwinism: This shit was once food. Capitalism: That's MY shit. Communism: It's everybody's shit. Feminism: Men are shit. Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us... Commercialism: Let's package this shit. Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden. Idolism: Let's bronze this shit. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS. Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway? Stoicism: This shit is good for me. Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening! Mormonism: God sent us this shit. Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again. Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen. Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157. Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens. Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit? Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening. Moonies: Only really happy shit happens. Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama. Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time. Church of SubGenius: BoB shits. Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time. Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not. Agnostic #2: Did someone shit? Agnostic #3: What is this shit? Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS. Atheism: What shit? Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit! Nihilism: No shit.
A man goes to the Doctors with premature ejaculation problems for advice.
The Doctor prescribes all the up to date medications without successfully treating the symptoms, he advised the patient to try a radical method, the Doctor said..
"Just as you feel you are about to orgasm take this starting pistol and fire it, this should delay the orgasm"
Two weeks later the same Doctor is doing his rounds in A&E and notices the patient, curious he asks the patient what has happened to him.
To which the man replies..
"Two days after my appointment with you I had an opportunity to test the starting pistol method, shortly after assuming the 69 position I felt close to orgasm so I took the starting pistol from under the pillow and fired it"
The Doctor then asks...
"Well did it work? What are you doing in A&E?"
The man replied..
"yes it did work, however when I fired the pistol, she shat in my face, bit my cock off and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up"
4
DavidA human residing in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Ancestral territory of the Erie, Haudenosaunee, Huron-Wendat, Mississauga and Neutral First NationsVeteran
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender if he can have a free drink, he'll show him something he's never seen before.
Bartender says sure so the guy pulls out a shoebox and pulls out a miniature piano. Then a little dude steps out of the box and proceeds to play it just beautifully. The bartender asks the guy where he found something like that and the guy replies that he was passed on a genie in a lamp but it's a little messed up.
The bartender tells him he can have free drinks for life if he can have a wish on the genie. The guy says sure, produces a lamp and hands it over. The genie pops out and asks him what he wants so he says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is over run by mallards with feathers flying all over the place.
The bartender looks at the guy and says "What the hell, Mack!"
The guy says "I told you it was a little messed up... Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?
1
DavidA human residing in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Ancestral territory of the Erie, Haudenosaunee, Huron-Wendat, Mississauga and Neutral First NationsVeteran
My fiancé says she's a hypochondriac but I think it's all in her head.
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender if he can have a free drink, he'll show him something he's never seen before.
Bartender says sure so the guy pulls out a shoebox and pulls out a miniature piano. Then a little dude steps out of the box and proceeds to play it just beautifully. The bartender asks the guy where he found something like that and the guy replies that he was passed on a genie in a lamp but it's a little messed up.
The bartender tells him he can have free drinks for life if he can have a wish on the genie. The guy says sure, produces a lamp and hands it over. The genie pops out and asks him what he wants so he says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is over run by mallards with feathers flying all over the place.
The bartender looks at the guy and says "What the hell, Mack!"
The guy says "I told you it was a little messed up... Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?
That was a great one to start the weekend, Thank you @ourself I'll be telling all my mates that one down the pub...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Comments
I'm upset! I'm mad! someone has to account for this! I have nothing else better to do with my time!
After a hour has passed he tells the Arabs that he is going to get himself a coke, and asks if he can get them one..
' Yes thank you ' they reply.
He gives then their cokes and the ice having been broken they start to have a relaxed and friendly chat.
After a while the Israeli sighs and says 'why cant it always be like this ? '
The Arabs nod in agreement.
He continues,
'Why all the bombing ? Why all the shooting ? Why all the pissing in the cokes ? '
Client ' Oh am I...we'll see about that ! '.
Complacently stroking his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he know that on earth
There were only two balls
And he had em
There was a young man from Kildare
Who was f**king his wife on the stair
When the bannister broke
He quickened his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas
The original meal has never been found.
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
I will not entertain any post-facto whining ... you were warned!
you'll be glad to know I am amply resisting the temptation.
'faceache' is right....
Let's Beat the Tax Blahs
A prostitute goes into the tax preparer to get her tax form done. "Okay," says the tax guy, "We need to list your profession for income purposes."
"Well," she says, "Prostitution."
"No, no we can't put that down!" the tax guy says.
"Oh well, then a hooker," she says.
"No, no, still won't accept that."
So she thinks for a minute and replies, "Chicken farmer."
"Chicken farmer?" says the tax guy.
"Sure," she says, "I raised over 200 cocks last year!"
Make sure you honk at lady liberty when I wave to you!
Only Kidding - enjoy your new job!
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Very true. If shit happens, it is karma or something else, but not shit
Got the Shit list from the link below:
http://www.aaaugh.com/jokes/shit_list.html
A Close-to-complete Ideology and Religion Shit List
Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor -pray.
Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvanism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Atheism: What shit?
Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
The Doctor prescribes all the up to date medications without successfully treating the symptoms, he advised the patient to try a radical method, the Doctor said..
"Just as you feel you are about to orgasm take this starting pistol and fire it, this should delay the orgasm"
Two weeks later the same Doctor is doing his rounds in A&E and notices the patient, curious he asks the patient what has happened to him.
To which the man replies..
"Two days after my appointment with you I had an opportunity to test the starting pistol method, shortly after assuming the 69 position I felt close to orgasm so I took the starting pistol from under the pillow and fired it"
The Doctor then asks...
"Well did it work? What are you doing in A&E?"
The man replied..
"yes it did work, however when I fired the pistol, she shat in my face, bit my cock off and a man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up"
Bartender says sure so the guy pulls out a shoebox and pulls out a miniature piano. Then a little dude steps out of the box and proceeds to play it just beautifully. The bartender asks the guy where he found something like that and the guy replies that he was passed on a genie in a lamp but it's a little messed up.
The bartender tells him he can have free drinks for life if he can have a wish on the genie. The guy says sure, produces a lamp and hands it over. The genie pops out and asks him what he wants so he says "I want a million bucks!" Suddenly the bar is over run by mallards with feathers flying all over the place.
The bartender looks at the guy and says "What the hell, Mack!"
The guy says "I told you it was a little messed up... Do you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?
Well I would if I had any mates!
Small black and white dog with one eye, three legs, and only half a tail.
Answers to the name ' Lucky '.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Dave drowned. We sent a funeral wreath shaped like a lifebelt.
It's what he would have wanted.
Uri Geller is surprisingly hard to stab.
Wondering who sent you a card on Valentine's Day..good.
Wondering who sent you a card on Father's Day..bad.
I went to a Loneliness Therapy Group..no one else tuned up...