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Beat the Winter Blahs- HumoUr Thread
lamaramadingdong
Veteran
Why Old Men Don't Get Hired
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
Job Interview
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
19
Comments
1. At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from rats to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."
2. Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
If you had to choose between $5,000,000 and your husband....
....what would you spend it on....?
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.
Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.
Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.
Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.
Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.
Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.
Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed
Fookin massive bacon sandwiches
What do their screen savers look like?
It would look wierd with three inches
Did you hear about the man who had a dod with no legs?
He called it cigarette and took it for a drag
Another man in the bar stands up and says, "I resent that, sir!"
The first man says, "What are you, some kind of attorney?"
The second man says, "No, I'm an asshole!"
....An egg......
' G 'day G'day...no worries mate....next !
Drink it.
His wife says, "That'll be that snooty bitch at number 47."
Umdiddleiddlediddleumdiddle Eye.
There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment."
"Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well yes," the Pope replied, "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages, are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old?" "I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay.
There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over, "There's an `R', There's an `R' ..."
The word was "celibrate."
US has some of the best craft beers in the world. There are 151 craft breweries in my state, Michigan, alone. Michigan has the 5th highest breweries of all states; there are 50 states.
Terrorists have hijacked a 737 full of lawyers.
They're threatening to release one every hour until their demands are met.
Right back on topic.
What's the similarity between American beer and having sex in a canoe?
They are both fucking close to water.
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart. Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple. The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A blonde gets her haircut while wearing a pair of headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take them off, but she protests that she'll die without them.
The hairdresser sighs, and starts cutting the hair around the headphones. Soon, the blonde falls asleep, and the hairdresser removes the headphones. A few minutes later, the blonde collapses, dead on the floor. Alarmed, the hairdresser puts the headphones to his ear and hears, "Breathe in. Breathe out."
.....they both spread for bread.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
...... So men can be open minded.
They look like age 24 all over again ....
She described someone placing an ad looking for a partner. The person taking out the ad stated:
I have long, dark hair, and I am fun loving and athletic. I am trustworthy and someone you can always rely on to be there for you. I am not too hard to please, and I look as good in formal settings as I do sitting around a campfire. I love to camp, hunt and fish and I would be happy to ride around in your pickup truck since I am not high maintenance. I just want to spend time with you, no demands, just good times together.
The ad apparently had something like 15,000 responses. It turned out to be a bit of a surprise however, since the ad was for a retriever. LOL
The vendor laughs and says, "Change comes from within!"
'Miss, Miss' said Jennifer in the front row, 'My cousin has chicken pox and my Mummy says that is contagious'
'Well done Jennifer, very good example, would anyone else like to try?' said the teacher.
Thomas who was sat behind Jennifer put his hand up.
The teacher said 'Yes Thomas, what sentence do you think would best describe the word contagious?'
Thomas replied 'My Grandmother always says that laughter is contagious'
To which the teacher replied 'Thomas, what a fantastic example, well done. Would anyone else like to give an example?'
Little Jonny in the back row stood up and said ' My Dad said he saw the neighbour painting his house with a two inch brush, he said that'll take the contagious'
One asks the other: "Hi, how are you?"
The other ones replies: "I'm fine, thanks."
"And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?"
"Yes, he is. But he is meditating now."
"Meditating? What's that?"
"I dont know. But it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"
I still get flashbacks.
I was walking through the park and wondering why a frisbee seems to get bigger as it gets nearer.
Then it hit me.
A: Throw forks at her.
So dad, if you're up there....
Who smacked yow
Alarmed, he turns to Eve, and says -
"stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets - !"