Is it possible to teach yourself to like someone?
karasti
BreathingMinnesota Moderator
I live next door to my grandmother. She is 88 and while she lives on her own and gets around, her health isn't very good. I grew up next door to her as well, and she helped a lot in raising me. Because of that, and our family connection, I love her, and I feel a sense of devotion and responsibility towards her.
But I do not like her. I can't honestly say not even a little. She is judgmental, harsh, crabby, demanding and selfish. And sometimes she is even mean (she told my 11 year old she didn't want to see him for at least a week because he forgot to crush her pop cans for her the other day, and screamed at him because of it). I practice tonglen and metta for her, but it hasn't improved my feelings towards her. If she was not my grandma, she is not a person I would choose to have in my life because of her toxic personality.
I am never rude with her, I remain as gentle as I can and I do what she needs done, whether putting drops in her eyes, her shopping, cleaning for her, clipping her toenails. Whatever she needs, I find the time to do it, despite having 3 extremely busy kids of my own to take care of. But then the negativity I feel is internalized and of course it just continues to build up.
Because I dislike her personality so much, it impacts my mood a lot, too, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I have a very intense aversion to her, and so far, nothing I have done has helped. Any ideas? How do you find a way to improve how you feel about someone even when they are so difficult? She is of a generation that just believes this is how it should be. We butt heads about how I raise my children, the roles my husband and I have in our family and so on. She is extremely critical of everything and I hate even to have to talk to her because of it.
She is not someone I can talk to and ask her to change how she deals with things. She's been this way her entire life. So it's myself I need to change, I just don't know what else to do. It's extremely tiring and stressful dealing with someone of that age with the health problems she has. She really should be in assisted living, but refuses. I know she is grateful for all we do for her, but her personality is just so problematic. I need to find a way to not allow it to impact me the way it does. I know logically that she suffers, and I know well why she does (I know her life story, her family story and so on) and it's logically understandable, to a degree, why she is how she is. But still, it has not helped me to not think ill thoughts towards her. I have other family who live very near by, and she never asks them to do anything. When they offer, she declines and tells them she doesn't need anything, and 2 minutes later will call and ask me to do it instead. It's some days more than I can take on because our own family is so busy. She complains constantly that my kids aren't always available to do her yardwork and so on, because they are in school, in sports, and working themselves. Yesterday I was late getting there in the evening to put drops in her eyes, because of a parent baseball meeting. She ranted for 20 minutes about how ridiculous it is that all their activities take so much of my time so that I am late in taking care of her needs. It's a daily occurrence.
It's to a point that some days, I find myself wondering how much longer she can possibly live. I don't like feeling that way, I'd rather enjoy the time she has left, she is my last living grandparent. But at this point, I'd rather do just about anything than spend even 5 minutes with her.
Comments
I am not sure it is possible to learn to like someone @karasti.
I do think it may be possible to cultivate goodwill and to beam it out to those we like and to those we don't.
Metta isn't about liking people as individuals.
Its about putting the drops in their eyes anyway.
But you know that.
I personally avoid stubborn people. Even if they were my family .
Karasti
We are all flipping idiots/ saints.
Perhaps you have more choice than you think about what aspects you pay homage to in others.
I can't avoid her, since she lives literally 20 feet from me. Sitting in my living room, I can see what she is watching on her tv. Plus, she needs help. When I was a kid, I spent a LOT of time at her house, my parents never had to pay daycare because I stayed with my grandparents. Now she is old and in ill health, and she needs someone to help her in the same way my children need my help with things because they are unable to do for themselves. She cannot drive,and we live 4 miles from the grocery store, so someone has to do her shopping, and some of her chores, and so on. She simply is incapable of doing them. I don't mind helping her, I just wish doing so didn't leave me feeling so negative about the interactions.
My other area family, they help when she will allow it. But they all work. I do not work, I am a stay at home mom, which is why she has put so much of it on me. She does not understand that things need to be spread out and she needs to be patient and wait until someone else can help her. She is incapable of doing that, so her impatience and frustration at being unable to do for herself is taken out on me and my family. I understand her frustration, I imagine I will feel much the same when one day I can no longer bend over to cut my nails, when I cannot shower, when I have to rely on others as much as she does. I understand how she feels, on that level, and I practice based on that. But her personality is just so harsh most of the time.
I cannot change her, and as @Citta said, I don't think I will be successful in simply changing how I feel about her even though I want to. I need to find a way to just let it go, when she is rude or impatient and not let it impact my state of mind. Sometimes my interactions with her as such that my entire day turns horrid, and that is my fault. I should be able to control that, but so far, I've failed miserably.
@karasti, I'm with @Citta on this one; not only do I think it's not possible, neither do I believe it necessary.
It's not an obligation.
And sometimes, bending over backwards for them - particularly when it actually impacts on us (emotionally AND practically) in a negative way, is an aspect of "idiot Compassion".
I don't want to sound harsh, but if you do things for her with an open and willing heart, with no expectation of gratitude, but find joy in your actions in any case - that's one thing.
But given that it (to be blunt) sticks in your throat, is inconvenient, means you actually feel resentful and, as you say, it impacts on your mood - you need to make better choices so that whatever you do, you can live with it.
Serenely.
And if at times, that means that it bites someone else on the ass.... well, all I can say is that maybe, it's not unproductive or unkind to do that.
She can be quite manipulative for a little old lady, which is what really makes things hard. She never requests, she demands, and if I tell her I cannot, she will cry. Then she will call my dad crying (my dad lives an hour away) who then calls me about grandma crying that she is out of eggs. It just turns into a mess. Even if I ask her today if she needs something since I will be in town, she will say no, and then when we are sitting down to dinner, she will call saying she is having an emergency and needs bread, and then it starts the cycle of me telling her I cannot do it, her crying, and so on. So oftentimes, my resentment comes at that manipulation, where I just get mad and then do what she asked to get her to stop crying.
I know the issue is one of expectation. Not so much of gratitude, because I think she feels it even if she doesn't express it well (she bakes us cookies and so on) but her judgment, criticism of my marriage and parenting, and so on makes it hard. I'd love to be able to just take her for lunch and enjoy an afternoon shopping, but she yells at people at the store, lol.
I know the issue is with me. It always is
I just haven't figured out yet how to let go of whatever exactly my expectations are. Normally if someone were so disrespectful as she is, I wouldn't keep them in my life. But it's really not an option, and even if it was, it wouldn't be an option I would take. So I have to find the way to let go of it. I do what she asks, but it is out of obligation, not with an open heart. Poor lady is probably still alive because I am trying to learn that lesson, LOL. She has been wanting to die since my grandpa died 30 years ago.
It's a conundrum for me. I can open my heart to the kid that bullied my kid. But not to my grandma even though she is somewhat of a bully as well. And so far, I cannot figure out why.
I was once delighted to learn that there was a perfectly legitimate Christian prayer that goes, "Dear Lord, please give him/her a swift kick in the ass!" It may not solve anything, but it lets a little air out of the tires.
Old people can be irascible ... and who should know better than I? So much control is withdrawn with age, that what is still held is held more tightly. Which is no excuse for being nasty to others ... or anyway, that's what I keep reminding myself.
I think out of compassion, when someone is 88, you give them a break. But you should have dumped her decades ago.
Although, I have done just the opposite of what I just said recently. I have a 77 year old neighbor who has been on kidney dialysis for almost a decade now. When I first moved here 4 years ago I would see him sitting out by his garage in the sun on many afternoons, even when it seemed too cold to do so. Despite being married, he seemed to always be alone. So, whenever I would see him sitting out there, I would go talk to him, usually for about 15 minutes. If I went out for the mail and saw him there, I would go chat. If I was going out on errands, I would postpone and go and chat. Virtually anytime I saw him out there, unless it would make me late for an appointment, I would go and chat. He likes to read, so I passed on many hardcover fictional books to him...although never did one of his books get passed back to me. A couple of times I shoveled the snow off his walk. When he would take his very short walks, I would often invited him in for a chat, but if I stopped at his door I was always left standing at the door (as happens to all the other neighbors). I have picked him up from his dialysis appointments a couple of times. But in return what I always had to listen to his anti-Obama rants (which though not overtly racist, subtly are), repeated stories about when his wife was airlifted to Denver for a medical emergency and there was a miracle in the sky, and his rants against people of any different church than his own, which is ironic since he is too ill to go to church, but well enough to go out to lunch several times a week. About a month ago I stopped to chat and when he asked how I had been feeling, so I told him, and he started yelling at me very aggressively. I just walked away and have not spoken to him since. My compassion has bounds.
May I make a suggestion, for what it's worth? Give yourself permission to not like someone. You've given a pretty good picture of the reasons you don't like her, and they're good reasons. She's not a very likable person to someone with your particular set of values. And that's OK. You won't change her, and your own standards of behavior won't change, so what you need to do is figure out how to deal with the aggravation.
So here's how you do that. Now are you ready for the next step? This one is harder. Have the courage to be honest with her. Not argue, not preach, just tell her when she does something you don't like that you don't like it. Stop biting your tongue or gritting your teeth or whatever. She says or does something you think is mean or inconsiderate, tell her. Let her get mad. But keep on helping. After all, she needs you much more than you need her. You might even tell her no once in a while, if you have your own life to live and what she asks is too demanding at the moment.
And maybe you'll be surprised at how much better your life is, once that frustration is dealt with.
@Karasti
I suspect that this Grandmother is your Dharma teacher.
asking
how can you, in the midst of sufferings cause, allow phenomena to come & go without trying to control it's outcome?
Could life have arranged a better program to see what your meditation practice can actually be?
If it's any consolation @karasti, my dad is the same way.
He has supported me through the years; always provided clothes, food, shelter, and gifts; and would no doubt support whatever future plans/endeavors. However he is also the most miserable, unhappy, unhealthy (mainly physically), grouchy person I have ever known in my life. According to other members of my family, he is literally waiting for death. Which wouldn't surprise me, because according to his doctors, all he really has to do is eat a better diet and exercise about 30 minutes a day (which includes walking). However, he absolutely refuses to do so and does nothing but eat fatty, unhealthy foods and watch TV. That is, when he isn't griping or bitching at someone because what they did wasn't "up to his standards".
I love the man to death, but I can't be forever bound by his misery. For years I gelt guilty about leaving (school, work, traveling with friends, etc.) because he always came across as someone whose own misery caused him to be mean to others. As true as that may be, I have to eventually stop defining myself by his standards and what he wants, and do what I feel is right for me. I will always have compassion for him, but it gets to the point where if I'm too compassionate or concerning, I could very well limit myself.
@vinlyn, it's a really long story. I was actually gone from here (about 300 miles away) for 12 years or so. 5 years ago, my family and I moved back for a job offer. A year after we came back, her cascade of health problems started. First, she slipped on her basement stairs and broke her heel and foot. She was pretty much entirely disabled for many weeks, and it led to me doing a lot of stuff for her. I felt bad for her, because until then she was still able to do most things for herself. But the many weeks off her feet led to a lot of muscle and strength loss. A year after that, she had a health emergency and spent the equivilant of 4 months in the hospital, with a couple of weeks home in the middle. It was during that time her health changed significantly, and because I had helped her so much when she broke her foot, for her it made sense to carry it over, except the extent to which she needs help is much greater.
I put up with her difficulties more than the rest of the family, and a lot of the reason I do is because most of the rest of the family her are selfish pigs (it runs in the family...LOL). So I end up making up for their lack of care for her, by being nice and so I'm the one she calls because I'm not mean like the rest of them. The people pleaser part has been hard to get away from and @Cinorjer is right that I need to tell her when I don't like how she behaves. Much like my kids, and if she doesn't like it, oh well. She'll either adjust her behavior around me and things will get better, or she won't. But it takes some of the responsibility solely off me to try to change how I feel and shifts it to her to think about how she acts. For a long time, I think, she has been allowed to behave that way and just like a kid, now thinks it is ok because no one says anything, they are just mean right back instead. Maybe she'll at least think about it if I bring it up. Thanks for that, it's a great point
@how, she absolutely is. Right now, there is no better teacher in my life, I don't think. So many opportunities, and I do try to see things as such. Some days are better than others. The past 2 weeks have been overwhelmingly busy with track, baseball, a school play, prom, and kindergarten registration. Add to that the horrid weather (it has been cold and raining/snowing for days) and grandma's demands and my practice has been pushed quite a lot recently. It's a good thing
Look on the bright side:
At least, when the old dear really does leave this mortal coil, you can look the world in the face, spit in its eye and tell it "I did my best."
And you'd be right.
@how said;
Whoa. Bingo.
I work with physically healthier and younger versions of your grandmother (same personality type, if you know what I mean). I'm off to work after a blessed several days off, and your post is as beneficial to me as I hope it is for you.
How's little quote above is exactly the 'teaching' I need to hear today.
I cannot possibly learn to 'like' the people who are hurtful to others, selfish and destructive, abusive verbally and seem to get enjoyment out of it all. I tried that. Then I tried blaming myself for NOT liking them, as if that had anything to do with their behavior.
Then I tried to pretend to ignore their behavior. All that time I was still hoping/wishing they would behave differently. THAT is where the problem is. I want them to be different than they are.
Well of COURSE I do. But wait . . . what, in me, has the hubris to demand my environment (including the assholes and bitches) conform so as not to bother me?
I can't really explain what How's sentence above means to me, in words.
I would have long since dropped my grandmother off at the nearest old folks home, @Karasti, and I'm a nurse. Maybe you are NOT the saintly alternative to your selfish pig family? Do you have to be that way? Maybe a little selfish pig would do you and your family some good, rather than be verbally abused, manipulated and psychologically terrorized, especially your children. Seriously. This is one of those 'other choices'.
I don't have the power to drop her off, otherwise, I probably would have. I have an aunt who owns all the paperwork on grandma and honors her choice to stay alone in her home, despite the fact that it seems obvious seasonal depression makes her mood even worse. The ironic thing? This aunt (my grandma's daughter, in case that isn't clear) runs an elder care foster program about 5 miles from here. She doesn't need a nursing home, but she would do well with assisted living. But because she is of sound mind, she has to agree to it, and she will not. Until/unless she becomes enough of a danger to herself that my aunt will step in, or social services will, it won't happen. We've tried. They cannot force her to leave, because she has no savings or anything else, she has to sign the paperwork saying that when she dies, the sale of her estate will go to pay the bill, and she refuses to do that.
I am not at a point (at least yet) where I am willing to throw my 40 years of history with her out the window and feel ok with that decision. There is, of course, a ton of other family history that goes into the whole story that would take far too long to go into here. Lots of alcoholism, mental illness, and lots of other fun stuff.
But yes, you are totally right, @Hamsaka, about the expectation thing, of course. I did, and still do, expect a woman who is almost 90 years old, who raised 5 children and countless grand children (and down to great-great grandchildren) to behave better than this. But I do know, logically, why she acts the way she does, to an extent, and in some ways, I can't blame her. She wants to stay in the house she and my grandpa built together 60 years ago. I get that. Her mother, my great grandmother, lived to be 98 years old, and lived in her farm house until 6 months before she died, when she had a stroke. She has extreme attachments to her home, her things, and her routines, because that is really all she has anymore. So, I understand, to the extent I am able to. But yet, I want her to be other than she is, to make it easier on me to take care of her. Because I want to help, but I don't want to be miserable while doing it.
Also, realize that the issues I bring here are the things that present as a problem to me. She is not all hellfire and brimstone 100% of the time. She does a lot of baking and cooking for us, she makes amazing quilts and other things for us. She does what she is able to show her gratitude in some way, I just wish it was different
Today I did some minor shopping for her and cleaned up a mess on the floor and she thanked me profusely, hugged me and sent me out the door with 3 cornish game hens...LOL. Just like anyone else, she has good points, too. But it's not those that I have a problem dealing with. She also pays the kids well for the chores they do for her even though I insist she doesn't need to pay them every time. She can be mean, yep. But it's pretty special for my kids to have a great grandmother who is so close to them. She is never rude with the little one, and the older kids mostly understand it's just her prerogative to be a cranky old woman sometimes. I grew up with my great grandmother, too, and she was nuttier than a squirrel turd sometimes, LOL. But it was still a special experience and I guess I want my kids to have that, too, in some way.
With enough metta cultivation, I think so. Not liking a person and not liking a person's actions, can be two different things. Sometimes it's very difficult to separate them, but that's probably why it's called "practice".
Personally, I think it's just a matter of more metta cultivation practice.
"Appropriate attention" also comes into play I think. The nice thing about metta practice is that it switches your focus of attention of off unskillful things and onto skillful ones.
I think you could rephrase that by saying:
No, and I don't think you should have to.
It does make a lot of sense to focus metta upon her (though the action happens within you). She won't change how she is, but perhaps the metta you do for her will affect the 'atmosphere' in a positive way. It's always all about perception after all. It will take time and practice for sure, gently softening your ability to flat out accept her exactly as she is, warts and all. A journey or work in progress, for sure.
It's a lot to ask ourselves as human beings to override our inbuilt tolerance factor, but the Buddha asked everything of himself, nothing was too precious to preserve if it led to suffering.
And it can't do anything but decrease your suffering to increase metta practice for her. There will always be plenty of irritating or exhausting people to take her place lol once she's gone. If it isn't one thing, it's another.
It's a fine line to walk, between unhealthy repression and denial of a real state of being (your suffering over her moods etc) and cultivating a clear, serene acceptance of such difficult behavior.
One thing I notice I do a lot less than the average Joe is to take things personally. It means nothing important about me when another behaves badly. My 'value' is not affected by another's bad behavior. In that way, I am imperturbable, in theory. There is a place within that is not hurt or harassed by another's bad behavior. IN THEORY. It's true, whether I feel the truth of it or not.
It's an ongoing job for me, but over time I can look back and see myself being perturbed a LOT less, whether I feel less perturbed in the moment or not. Progress may only be a relative thing we end up tossing aside in the end, but acknowledging where we are right now, warts and all, is just being honest. Ya have to start somewhere.
One thing I notice I do a lot less than the average Joe is to take things personally. It means nothing important about me when another behaves badly. My 'value' is not affected by another's bad behavior. In that way, I am imperturbable, in theory. There is a place within that is not hurt or harassed by another's bad behavior. IN THEORY. It's true, whether I feel the truth of it or not.
>
I think this is highly pertinent, and we would all do well to take note of this theory.
Practice makes perfect...
In the Vajrayana it is a common practice to see everything that we experience, including interactions with others, as being manifestations of the teacher.
It is not necessary to have an actual teacher to see the value of this.
Its also possible to see all that arises as a manifestation of Tathagatagharbha ( literally 'the womb of the Buddhas' from which everything is arising )..or 'Buddhanature'.
So all we see, taste, smell, touch, or experience in any way is coming from the 'womb that gives birth to the Buddhas '..
It gives things a different perspective.
No, I don't think it is. But it is possible to cultivate compassion for anyone. They are the sum total of their delusions, and however much they annoy or upset you they are suffering more from those delusions than anyone. You may not like them, but you can accept them . What is more valuable is to observe your own reactions to them and learn about yourself.
Having said that, relationships, like people, are transient and ever changing, so there may come a time when you do like her.
Those who we have close connections with, particularly those whom we've developed with as children, are able to bypass our defenses and coping mechanisms, they have a direct connection. If you were in the same situation with a neighbor who wasn't your grandmother who helped raise you I bet you'd be way better able to cope.
I second @Cinorjer's advice. I'd also say that it may me a lot to ask to be able to like her, a better goal would probably be to just be able to cope better. Maybe try to change the way you label her, like think of her as one of your children or a long time neighbor or something.
As others have suggested and Buddhist masters of yore have said, you can use this situation as a training ground for patience.
Sounds like you respect what she was and not what she is now. Is that what's up?
In a sense. I think some of her personality has always been the same. She's never been a warm person, for example. But everything has been exacerbated by her injury and health problems over the past 3 years. She is weaker, and much more frustrated and thus she is much more prone to negativity and rudeness than she used to be. Things have changed for her and her unwillingness to accept those changes leads to much suffering for her that then is projected onto others.
@person, lol, she is a long term neighbor
Except the 10 or so years I was away at college and working, she has lived next door to me my entire life.
I mean, just a long term neighbor, without the extra connection of being a family member who helped raise you.
ahha! Gotcha, I totally misunderstood. That makes much more sense now! I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure how I would react if she wasn't a relative.
I'm thinking about my relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and self absorbed person. For many years I had negative feelings towards him, then at some point I shifted my attitude towards him and realized he simply wasn't the father I wanted and never would be. In a way he stopped being a father figure to me. I actually went through a kind of grieving process for the loss, but afterwards his behavior didn't bother me as much and I was able to deal with his nonsense in a much more mature and level way and I could feel something for his situation.
I'm just saying, being the person she has been in your life, she may be on the same high pedestal she was on when you were younger and if you can put her on a lower one.
In a way you are lucky she pushes your buttons. This is time to learn about your mental equilibrium and have equinimity. This is not meant to be a trite quip. Seriously many Buddhist teachers say to be grateful for those who push our buttons. I am not sure of a prescription. I think you should ask your dharma teacher about this. Just imagine you might some day be in assisted living and have a lady like this as your roomate! So best to learn mind training techniques while you are in good health.
Again I am not being trite and I have mental health issues that you cannot apply just a trite fix. But I think equinimity is the way to go.
It's funny, almost every one of my lojong slogans, I can apply to my situation with my grandma. So it's a pretty consistent working-through. Clearly, I have a ways to go. I will see my teacher at the end of the month, we are having a Phowa retreat, so it'll be a good time to talk with him about it. Good idea! I would definitely prefer to keep working on it now before I am blessed with a roommate just like her
Worse yet, I will be that roommate, LOL. In a sense, just like is often the case, that is one of my fears, I think. The things that irritate me SO much about her, I see myself reacting to her in the same way that I don't like about her. I don't want to be feeling the way she is feeling 40 years from now. But I can see myself doing that, in some ways. We have quite differently overall personalities, but in other ways we are similar, and when I see those similarities, I think I'm as averse as I am to them because I see some of them in myself.
You are your grandma.
Now what?
I am just getting ready to learn about Buddhism but I can tell you how to do what you ask. I am not aware of others who have the ability to do this but you can try.
The first thing is to remove yourself from your own mind. See your grandmother and put consciousness into her. You need to leave behind your emotions and your values and your understandings. You must envelope all that she is. Understand and feel it. If she suffers you must let that encase you and cause you pain. If she is bitter and sad and feels helpless in life relying on others all the time you must feel this and understand it and let it fill your heart. You must let all the pain of what makes her act as she does rip into you. You must let these actions always remind you of this feeling.
When this is done, you could not hate her. You could no dislike her. You could only feel sorry for her and all the happiness she misses out on. Perhaps when it is understood you can then help her in ways that could change her.
That's enabling.
Are you speaking to me? Did you read the last sentence? I believe the act of physically taking care of her stated needs is enabling which is currently being done. I am speaking of understanding. How can one change someone they do not understand?
No, @vinlyn; that's Compassion.
I know from what you have written that your concept of compassion differs to that of others, and that's fine.
But simply because you do not see compassion as others see it, doesn't make your view or opinion right; it merely makes your view or opinion right, to you.
You have a certain perception of compassion, and you even, by your own admission, put a guard on it; a proviso.
But I can see nothing written above that defines 'enabling'.
Alright Federica, I'll restate:
In my view, that's enabling. But for you to say that one position is "right" and the other is "wrong" is just as egregious. There is no firm ground on which to base many particular actions as being compassionate or not, or enabling or not. In fact, many actions can be both compassionate and enabling.
And yes, Grayman, I am referring to your post. And trust me, me saying your position is enabling is a much more generous comment than I contemplated. I particularly disliked your telling a poster what they "must" do...5 times. I also question the wisdom or the right for one person to go out and "change someone".
With all things into consideration @karasti, just forgive her for her ways when you can. Our time together is short, as is our own life. When feelings of irritation arise, just think, "will this matter tomorrow, months, or years from now?" The easier it is to let go of negative thoughts and feelings, the more time we have to enjoy our time together. Honest.
That's a good perspective, @wangchuey.
Then what is it about?
We can love our cats.
Its about generating good will to them. Which sometimes has to override our subjective reactions.
I am of the opinion that it would be best if you stated what you view as enabling so that I do not misunderstand what it is you are trying to say.
It was in the format i use for instrucions or a recipe. The poster can disregard the recipe but the cookies will not likely be the same.
I was under the belief that it is impossible for me to force the will of another through the use of words. I can state my opinion all I like but others have to decide what they want to take from it. The fact that I spoke to that poster in such a fasion is a result of me respecting the strength of that individual as I did not feel the need to reformat my statements toward such sensitivities.
As for as changing someone... every action you take can manipulate them in some way and enough interaction with them will change them regardless. I think it better if we acknowledge that and gain more awareness of this and take more control of how we effect them so that the results are more positive for the other individual as well as everyone involved with that individual. To me not taking an active role in this and allowing the individual continuing in thier ways is enabling.
I am of the same mind @how is at. Acceptance makes it possible for me to live with myself. The more I am hooked by my thoughts, the more suffering I will do.
I have some people who are similar in my life. They do all of the things your grandmother does. The harder I try to make myself like them, the more I am trapped. The more I think about them and their bad habits. Because I have learned to let the feelings come and go without hooking into them, I am better able to feel better myself.
This inner feeling I have of acceptance, does not mean I accept their behavior towards me. I do everything I can to let them know I am not a doormat, but I always do it in the sense of spirit that all could be forgiven if it stopped, and they could even be a friend under different circumstances.
Grayman, I understand your position. Mine is different.
Indeed.
It is very hard to be dispassionate about those we have emotional, family bonds with. We have to have boundaries and engage with those aspects we can cope with. Your gran is not able to be the ideal we all aspire to. We ourselves fail in that regard.
My mentally ill sister is starting to regain her interest in Buddhism as a potential means to deal with her situation. That would be very fortuitous and not possible in your situation. It is why dharma sometimes has to be couched and enacted through Christianity for grandmas sake.
What I would remind is that practice really does enable us to change our minds. What an opportunity . . .
I know that you didn't ask me; and your question has been answered...but if it had been me that was asked, I think I would have answered:
Metta isn't about liking people as individuals; metta is about liking people in spite of the fact that they are individuals.
I don't really want to manipulate her in any way to convince her to be other than she is. She is old, and I don't really desire (or have the time) to go into any sort of intensive changing of her ways at this point. I have been more looking for ways that I can change myself/my mind to be more accepting of who she is whether I "like" those aspects of her, or not. As always, everyone had good advice
I appreciate it much.
On an interesting note, today I was over there chatting with her, and she said "Can I ask you something, and you promise to be honest? Am I intolerant and bossy?" My aunt had told her that in the past few years, she has gotten difficult and intolerant. So, the door was open for me to be honest, yet compassionate and tell her what I thought. My aunt is equally as harsh and crudely out-spoken as grandma can be, which in this case, was the way to open the door. Of course, grandma is now upset with my aunt, lol. We sent her a plate for dinner, she made dessert, and we had a good chat. I don't expect it means things will suddenly change, but she is more aware now of how she is coming across to others, so that is good anyhow. Right now, things are ok. I'll take that.
I'm not sure I see the distinction.
OK, but in practice if we feel good will to someone we like them, don't we?
I don't necessarily. Just as there are people I love, but don't like.
I think it just all comes down to definitions. I practice good will towards people I don't like very much. Like @Citta said, it's more an overriding. What I don't like about them is usually more superficial, their personality, their actions as opposed to being able to focus only on their inherent true/Buddha nature. I practice good will, compassion, even love for people I don't know well, or don't like purely on a personality level because I realize they have inherent Buddha nature, just like anyone else. That doesn't necessarily mean their personality is any easier to deal with (or that our personalities together just happen to clash).