Seeking Validation
Mingle
Veteran
This isn't a new thing but I have found myself questioning my motivations for doing certain things lately. It appears that I am constantly trying to seek the attention of women.
I know for a hetro guy that is nothing abnormal but It goes deeper then just wanting to be around them, I want validation from them. I think I am seeking approval or something. Thankfully I have gotten better since I deleted Facebook but I remember just posting endless bs in a bid to get certain girls to comment on it.
I feel I have a strong desire to be noticed when I am at my best by girls I'm interested in for instance when I am happy and laughing I start to wish I am being noticed by them.
Is that something I can aim to change or is that just the human condition? Another form of desire.
Comments
Even the things in the human condition can be changed. That's a lot of the point of practicing. Over time, sometimes a long time, you see things more clearly and your behavior changes more easily, in my experience. Just understanding that you see something there is a big part of the process. Trying to force changes never worked for me, I had to work to understand the root causes of my reasons for my behaviors to make adequate changes. Some of that comes easier with age/more experience. You are unlikely to care so much when you are 55
The thing is, the ladies will notice you more when you are simply being yourself. Social media is just a major way that we get to take more time to carefully create the persona we want to portray. In person that is harder but we still do it.
Learning what you are really looking for, and why, will help you tame your behaviors more quickly. Meditation aids in that understanding. But there's no set time, of course, in which that understanding might happen. I find that writing about it helps me work it out. Otherwise I think in circles and never arrive at causes or solutions.
I'm going to let someone more insightful than I am feeling at the moment answer your question but I did want to comment on the fact that you realizing this and owning it is quite an accomplishment on its own.
hmm the human condition to love.it's not a bad thing for us laypeople.in my opinion,the buddha would encourage finding mates that is a nice match and compliment each other . desire for love is healthy,it foster metta to self and companion,imo.
@karasti's advice as ever, gets to the core of the solution.
My comment is more revelatory about the source. Perhaps...
Seeking Validation from anyone else, is a sign of lack of confidence and insecurity.
Seeking it specifically from the opposite sex, or potential partner material (being non-gender specific) is a sign of an assumption of personal inadequacy.
In other words, you try to impress women, because you already believe you're not up to your perception, of their standards.
Food for thought and something to meditate on.
Typical young guy stuff. No big deal. Maturation takes care of it for most guys. Its all the old c&p game.
What do you find unsatisfactory about it that you want to change?
Well I'd rather not care what people think. Feels needy.
It is normal to care what people think of us. But to care to the point we change what we do/who we are/how we look in an attempt to get them to think in a specific way about us is another story. Do you like fakey people? Probably not. Neither does anyone else. So why fake yourself into that position?
You don't sound so sure - keep exploring.
It may not be so straightforward or rather you may find that you're pulling a thread that has a surprise in store...
Somewhat akin to stepping out in a snow blizzard in a t-shirt and thinking one would rather not feel cold.
It may be an inevitability and dealing with it will have a price and that said, the price may not be worth it and there's no saying once paid that it will be any more satisfactory.
Go through the process of questioning each of your motivations and considering each potential outcome and see where you stand with a) What it is exactly that you find unsatisfactory b) what the results are c) what alternatives there may be + their results and then when all of this is in, one may better consider what something is and whether and how to change it into something else.
I would therefore refer you back to my response.
The thought-process you experience stems from an "unhealthy" sense of self-worth, and a place of self-gratifying Ego.
That may sound harsh but first of all, stop and think about it. Under analysis you may find I'm right...
Secondly, in my younger days I too, was keen to please.
You'll be relieved to know it wears off with advancing maturity.....
ETA: I wrote this directly after your 'needy' post, but for some reason, even though I KNOW I hit 'post comment'.... It didn't post. So read it in the context it was originally posted in - before @karasti's post, or @zero's...
We all prefer to be liked rather than disliked, @Mingle.
But it is not possible to be liked by everyone.
No matter how nice, kind and funny you are, there will always be people who won't like you, and the reasons may have nothing to do with you at all.
People's perceptions of us often have a lot to do with their own limitations, and the average person unconsciously projects their own stuff on us.
It takes deep self-knowledge on our part not to be swayed by their preference or lack thereof.
The Buddhist concept of "acceptance" includes acceptance of the fact that not everyone will like you and you should be contented about your own person any way.
I willingly accept well-meant criticism because it helps me grow, but criticism coming from people whose motivations are dubious leaves me cold.
Love yourself, be yourself, and the right people will like you.
That is relieving. Yes what you say does indeed make perfect sense. If you have an unhealthy self worth you basically want others to notice in you what you fail to notice in yourself. The problem is that if you are so adamant that you suck even somebody telling you the opposite you simply don't believe them. It's like you can only be happy when absolutely every person you meet confirms to you that you are awesome which of course will never happen no matter who you are. A healthy acceptance that you can't please everybody is in need here. The thing is (and I'm a classic example of this) thinking rationally and emotional response are two different things. I can feel lonely, needy and desire attention and I can rationalize it completely. I can tell myself "I'm only feeling this out of low self worth" then I can sit with the feeling, embrace it and hug it but nothing changes. How does one improve self worth? How does one finally make their rational mind convince their emotional mind that this feeling is unnecessary and basically stop?
Perhaps you cant. I have come to realize that we are not the person on the outside we are on the inside.
It is often a problem of insight... getting a real handle on who you are on the inside and what makes you tick is a journey, and often the realisations you encounter on that journey will transform you.
IMO, seeking validation from anything or anyone will only take you down the wrong path. I have to agree with @federica on this one, if you were truly comfortable in your own skin you wouldn't/shouldn't have those feelings/wants. You seek that validation from women because you're not getting it from yourself. I assume (by other comments left) that you're young so this could be something that passes but definitely something I would pay close attention to and try to change. I have felt the same way in the past and it only left me feeling angry and depressed like I was never good enough. It was only when I let go that I truly felt free.
You can never truly love anyone unless you love yourself.
You can never be comfortable with yourself unless you are yourself and comfortable with that.
Is that something I can aim to change...?
-Yes.
Can it be true?
It is. Now you know.
As @Will_Baker wisely suggests and dharma confirms and others mention we can change our minds
That of course is why we are here ... soeaking for myself ...
Every single person deserves love and respect, @Mingle.
Especially your own: self-love and self-respect.
If you don't have them, you'll only attract people into your life that reinforce that void.
If women notice you, you'll be happy.
If they don't, you'll feel like a loser.
Is that the way you want to live?
Giving other people power over your happiness and misery?
It has to be a paradox that the less we care for people's opnion and the more we relax with who we are, the more attractive people find us.