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Help Needed - offered
lobster
Crusty Veteran
There we are in desperate straits, unable to cope. Or maybe that is just me in the hell realms …
Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters! Karma Chameleons Dharma practitioners!
Is that you?
- Able to dedicate practice merit
- Offering metta
- Practicing puja
- Sending in the Buddha Powers
- Etc.
Luckily for everyone I am always in need.
So please:
- For my mother who is enduring dementia and recovering from falls.
- For my sister enduring me social anxiety and depression.
- My other sister dealing with work related stress
… and of course others may ask?
12
Comments
You do good work caring for them, lobster. I will dedicate merit from my practice, such as it is.
I hope things are well in your family home?
And for our fellow practitioners, if you could spare a thought for my stepfather who has advanced Alzheimer’s. My mother and I care for him as well as we can, but it’s difficult at times. He has now reached the stage where he is incontinent (has to wear nappies so we can keep the house clean), can no longer shower by himself, get dressed by himself or even make himself a slice of toast. My mother does most of the caring, and I support her, but we are getting to a more tricky stage.
If you ever want to compare notes on how the caring goes @lobster we could do a video chat sometime?
My most heartfelt thoughts are with you both.
You know it's serious when @lobster reaches out.
Do you have outside professional help, lobster? is there a medical angle you can call upon to provide some kind of support? Start with your own Doctor's surgery...
We need far better support in this country for Mental Health; fortunately, it's slowly beginning to gather momentum; more and more people are raising their voices to be heard, and more and more means of assistance are surfacing.
@Jeroen, you too, should enquire and avail yourself of all possible support and help. I would hazard a guess that your mother is not 'young'. She too probably could do with professional support...
"It's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil"...
My heart goes out to you both.
You’re right Fede, my mother is now 74, but she is blessed with a lot of energy.
Here in the Netherlands we get a case manager who helps negotiate the care system. We get some help from a nurse who aids with showering my stepfather, something that’s difficult because he becomes obstreperous — refuses to get in the shower or come out once he is under it. We can also pay for some care, and the case manager comes and visits every month, and she says there is room for more care when we cannot manage anymore.
Eventually he may have to go to a care home, which will be very expensive, and difficult because there are not so many English speakers among the staff.
I will keep your family in my metta meditations/offerings, Lobster. May your mother, sisters and you be well and heal.
We have a paramedic, came around and I would not let him in until I was satisfied he was reasonably kosher (my sister panics). We had an incontinence assessment and got a commode.
Am in the process of getting more medical help. Not sure if cattle prods are legal … useful for jump starting dozy types … may test it on myself …
My sister is doing real well. She has to.
Never be afraid of asking for help as @federica mentions. My pharmacist gave good advice, both his parents died from/with dementia. 'You will increase in patience and be challenged'. So true.
There are also tons of nurses and caregivers on YouTube with “life hacks” when it comes to caregiving. I learned so many things, I never would have thought to do/ avoid when dealing with my psychotic daughter, and helping with my FIL with dementia.TikTok is also an excellent place to learn from others on these matters. Be open to learning new ways of doing things and changing the narratives on tasks.
First one I recommend is On YouTube is called Dementia Careblazers…I’ll try to compile a list and get back here .
It can feel very lonely sometimes, but remember, you are not alone. We’re there with a gentle nudge on your back saying “ c’mon, you got this”. ❤️. Resources are there…it’s just a matter of seeking and asking for help. Take care of you for me. Sending lots of love and support your way.
sqeeeeeeeeeeze hugs
Update:
My mother is happier. Sisters are mellowing. I feel better.
Those helping. Helped!
Yipeeeee!
@lobster: Good to hear.
I send my prayers forth for everyone, for your continued peace and grace, for your victories over challenges, for your courageous hearts, for your celebration of life.
Peace to all
Perfect @Lionduck
… talking of Bravehearts …
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/56972/speech-once-more-unto-the-breach-dear-friends-once-more
Congratulations everyone.
You have no problems and life is sukkha … or at least a Pureland?
No?
Then ask for help … EVERYWHERE!
Oh … did I shout? Tsk, tsk …
The benefits of benefitting others are too numerous to mention.
That is why this morning I have a Dr's appointment sorted … well consultant actually.
I have a care package started from our local authority.
That is all for my mother. All those NHS staff benefitting from my generous need for aid.
You guys can send more of the good vibes 💗
… and you need?
Hopefully Aunty Fed-Express (our beloved moderator and spell guardian) is coping with her family situation …
Meanwhile … update:
Over to you and the Buddhas.
So glad no one else has no need for prayers, puja and a spiritual care perspective. You must all be in the Purelands? Hooray!
Yeah… the purelands these are not. My stepfather has now reached the stage where almost all of what he says is nonsensical. He still understands, because he responds to what my mother (and sometimes me) ask of him, for the rest he just potters around the house and sometimes goes into the garden and wonders why he can’t get out… certain doors just don’t seem to work for him. His idea of a key is largely gone, bless him.
More difficult to cope with is his continual incontinence. Sometimes in the evening he takes his nappy off before he goes to the bathroom, and unconsciously does his business while walking in the hallway. So we keep a good supply of desinfectant wipes and other cleaning supplies at hand, in case of a nasty surprise when my mother or I go to the bathroom. Usually the nappies keep a lid on things.
He still mumbles, mostly insults aimed at one or both of us, and is aggressive sometimes, mostly when he is constipated or in pain. It is difficult for my mother, because they were very close. I have a slightly thicker skin than she does.
We have help putting him under the shower, a neighbourhood nurse comes around to do that, and she manages to keep it very straightforward and business like.
Well… that is about as bad as things can get with an elderly relative.
Sending out good wishes to you all
Yes! Thanks for sharing. Hard stuff.
💗💗💗 Once again, thanks guys. Miracles, nothing less are happening. 💗💗💗
Let people pray/puja/dedicate merit/metta you.
Let the good arise.
♾✅🙏🏽
I just noticed this thread now. Am very glad both you, @Lobster and @Jeroen have your practice and send my love. I am a care-giver at a retirement home and got into that because of losing loved ones. If anybody ever needs to reach out, I'm here.
Update:
http://www.tibetanbuddhistencyclopedia.com/en/index.php?title=Bardo
Damn. Sorry Lob.
Thats tough. Will send you both prayers and metta.
life happens, death too is a part
Ing
Latest is a continuity towards shutdown/passing away …
working towards funeral now …
premature? not a bit of it.
Very fortunate to have had a mother …
(You can probably get them on Amazon these days …) 😉
Dedication of my merit @lobster and @Jeroen and family. If I can assist further, just ask. I watched my Grandma pass to dementia. Tough stuff.
OM YA HA HUM HRIH
I value your input now guys. Don't be shy.
I have two dilemmas. Impossible decision. Not difficult at all …
So I talk aloud and ask for your kind advice …
All the Dr's and consultants advise letting her go in peace. I agree.
What say you?
You said don’t be shy. ……ok.
Grab one of your cushions and sit down for this one… little and big crustaceans 🦞
You should not value any of our opinions on how you want to let her pass onward and continue on. That is not our say. And you know it.
Tell us about your Mother. Some good times, fav memories, maybe ?
Death happens yes. I’m still sorry tho. It puts you in all types of feelings and changes. It’s not easy…….., no matter how fact you are. 💔❤️🩹🪷
Agree with Vastmind. Also don’t want to influence your decision, it’s not my place.
But I wanted to express my great sympathy and empathy. I haven’t yet been in that position but have been close to others that have. Luckily the decision doesn’t leave much trace, it’s more that we are remembered of the dying person in better days in their favourite places.
Hoping she has a good passage through the Bardo.
I knows it
thanks everyone 💗
Yesterday I was bawling because our 'baby mother' was suffering. I say baby because dementia had reduced her mind/being. Complications from her physical shell was making her suffer.
On the nurses board was NBM Nil By Mouth and EOLC End Of Life Care. I think that is right.
After many hours of sitting with her for no good reason, first I came home. Finally my sisters left too. I was so glad.
The good memories:
They are all good. For me the frail old lady was her, the nursing and help she bestowed everywhere … To the end she was a giving, caring person, who put everyone else first.
I am very fortunate to live near one of the biggest and best hospitals in Europe. The NHS facilities and staff are wonderful. Truly a gem.
Thanks to everyone who shared their time and practice. May you too be blessed …
It can take a while. I remember with my uncle last year, for a while he had hallucinations at night because of the morphine he was being given, and on one occasion he got so scared he dragged himself halfway up the steps to the first floor.
But in the end he decided on palliative care rather than euthanasia, which means they give you strong sleeping meds so that you don’t suffer the last days of your life. It was a Sunday afternoon that he got the injection, he was asleep in minutes and Monday morning he had gone.
Blessings to you and your mother, @lobster.
Mother died. She had become yellow tinged overnight but within half an hour of my sisters arrival had died.
I was not there but I think she was waiting for a friendly voice. So they were there for her.
She is in the hospital morgue.
Do I want to go there to grieve? No! I lit a candle …
I can grieve anywhere, anytime … and stop if required. I rarely have the need to stop.
Hopefully I won't have to grieve my passing and be too busy to notice …
Now I have a body to dispose of. Can I just stick it in the boot of a car and drive it somewhere to compost, leave to science, burn, bury etc. No everyone has rights to access. Not me. Pah!
I might in a different culture, be able to use the skull to drink from (a vajrayana thing) but my sisters would probably prefer a mug with her pic on it … there is no accounting for taste … and I am pretty tasteless 🤭
I think tasteless is quite underrated. Sorry for your loss @lobster.
It is the second day and finally have been able to do a little yoga-Qi-ong combo …
Yesterday I was wearing my mala and prayer beads and my mothers ring
She is no longer in it 😭
My condolences to you and your family @lobster
"Transient Alas; Are all component things
Subject are they to birth and then decay
Having gained birth; To death the life flux swings
Bliss truly dawns when unrest dies away!"
🙏🙏🙏
Often when the dying are ready to go they depart in the deep of the night. Probably something to do with the body’s circadian rhythms.
Condolences to all @lobster.
I am sorry for your loss @Lobster.
That is how it feels.
loss
A precious gem gonnered
gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight,
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.
— Clare Harner
Believe it or not I, like everyone iz mortal.
Shakyamuni was, Jesus was, grief and dukkha is part of our experience.
There is a huge difference between principle and incarnation.
… in other words the Adibuddhas and similar are perfected personifications of principle/abstract qualities.
The deathless dies because it is unborn. That does not mean immortality except to those in samsara and hope of resurrection/Purelands beyond mind.
We all have less time than our imagination.
But but but… what about rebirth? All those people in the Far East wanting a better next life? Could they be wrong?
@Jeroen
sure! they could be wrong …
Also they might be right …
More importantly for some, it might be right to believe …
it gets easier with each day …
I do not wallow in my feelings but rightly so, they were very intense …
Thanks to everyone offering condolences, prayers, empathy, candles and chicken sacrifices … wait scrap the last one … unless made into soup …
just a thought:
Why are support animals so popular and so successful?
1. They do not judge
2. They are immediate companions -
3. They are all in
4. They encourage
5. They calm
There are more, but reaching out for support, for help is not a sign of weakness. It is, rather a sign of strength. It means you are strong enough to admit you are human, strong enough to be vulnerable, strong enough to trust.
When an open hand is offered, in taking it, we are able to lift ourselves. as the open hand is offers in support and trust. When take in trust, both are lifted up.
There is no judgement, no condemnation, no guilt. Both grow in trust, empathy, grace and compassion - and perhaps wisdom as well.
We all have our moments. Some may last longer than others. Some may be more intense than others. We are all imperfect. We all crave an open hand from time to time. We all can offer an open hand when needed.
We are all human. That is one of the great honors of our existence.
Peace to all
Perfect @Lionduck
Ooohhh, I iz human. Maybe I can be petted …
latest update:
… finally I have an appointment with the registry office. There was a mix up. Basically I don't know what I am doing. I think I may finally get the green form for burial and death certificate, which the funeral director needs. Ay caramba.
Meanwhile my death practice involves bawling for very short periods and comfort eating. I am able to do meditation chanting and exercise again, which is very helpful and takes the edge off things.
Any advice from my experience:
https://www.buddha-images.net/blog/sukha/
Give carrot sticks a try. Quickly becoming my frustration food of choice after stale baguettes.
Who is making you eat stale baguettes? Is it the French? Next they will be telling us they invented French fries …
I like organic carrot juice … cannot (or should that be carrot) always get it …
… talking of stale bread … chop and fry gently in olive oil with curry powder. Now you have croutons for your carrot and celery soup …
Ah … food … best meal of the day …
A personal preference. We all have our desserts.
Crostini too are in danger around me.
Oops.. this isn't a food thread.
It is about nutrition.
Some of us are sustained by the metta or graceful help of others. Nobody is impeding our experiential empowerments to offer or receive help/nutrition, except the uncooked.
That is why I place myself and Lord Yama on the feasting table.
@lobster my condolences for your loss. I apologise for my tardy reply. I have been MIA dealing with several deaths in my family and some losses of friends. It has been quite the shite couple of months
Sura
thanks @SuraShine
Sorry to hear about your hardships. In a strange way our practice becomes most real/useful at such times … or maybe we are inspired to have an increased calmness as a bolster (one of my anagrams).
Sometimes we are too involved to contemplate such life and death distractions …
Talking of distractions:
Finally off to Register my mothers death. Will be able to arrange to roast cremate her …
Ashes to ashes … 🤷🏼
Next: disposing of meat
With apologies to those who believe in the sanctity of the body. And remember to send @SuraShine goodwill and pujapower …
We live and learn. Even if it kills us, death will certainly do that.
Finally I am at the shell burning stage. As some have in the past suggested, butter goes well with cooked lobster … however the Hindu open cremation and pouring on ghee is not available much here …
I would be interested in UK based unattended direct cremations. The cheaper the better. All conventional services seem to maximise and dramatise the event. Yuk!
I need some ashes to do a bit of placating in a few months for siblings, relatives and any passing ghost realms …
I would suggest bowing to custom and having a ceremony, with a few attendees. People seem to appreciate the opportunity to take their leave, so maybe do it for their sake?
Bowing may be customary but not in my family, who are my primary concern.
We will contact others individually when we have finished grieving and the ashes delivered and we decide what to do. That could take up to several more weeks …
I am keen on ashes going to different happy places. So the living can enjoy walks, tea and cake, maybe a glass of wine (preferably no whine). That sort of thing. We will decide in due time.
Some ash will go under perhaps a rose, a tree, to her sister and family, birthplace etc.
In time, if available more ritual may become possible.
Thanks for the suggestion.