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Funny Stuff

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Comments

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    lobsterSteve_BDagobahZen
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    VastmindlobsterDagobahZen
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    “Are you going to vote Republican today?” Asked a man of his friend.
    “No, I think I’ll vote Democrat. My father was a Democrat, and so was his father.”
    “That’s idiotic reasoning. If your grandfather was a horse thief, what would that make you?”
    “Well, that would make me a Republican.”

    howShoshin1DagobahZen
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    lobsterpersonmarcitkoDagobahZen
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    During the second world war, at the Russian front, an Italian and a German general are preparing an attack. When all the preparations are ready, and the attack is ready to be launched, the German general calls his servant: "Heinz, bring me my red coat."
    "What, a red coat?" says the Italian general surprised. "How come?"
    "Well, during the battle I may be hurt; blood may be flowing, and my soldiers, seeing blood, might get demoralized. So I always wear a red coat during battle."
    "What a great idea," says the Italian general and calls his servant.
    "Giuseppe, quick, bring my brown trousers!"

    marcitkoDagobahZen
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    One night in Washington, when Nixon was president, there was a heavy snowfall. When the president woke up in the morning, he looked out of the window and saw a beautiful blanket of snow covering the White House lawn. He snapped out of his beautiful reverie when he noticed, written on the lawn in yellow snow, "Dick Nixon is an asshole."
    The president got very angry and summoned the FBI and CIA. "I want that urine to be analyzed," he ordered them. "And I want to find out who the culprit is right now, without delay! This is top priority!"
    Early in the afternoon a representative of the two agencies reported back to Nixon. He said, "We have tested the urine and we know whose it is. However, there is some good news and some bad news; which would you like first?"
    "Oh no," said Nixon. "Guess you had better give me the good news first."
    "Well, sir," said the man. "We analyzed the urine, and it is Henry Kissinger's."
    "Oh no," cried Nixon, and then suddenly the realization hit him. "That's the good news? What could the bad news possibly be?"
    The man answered him, "It was in your wife's handwriting."

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran
    edited July 13

    Jon Stewart cracks me up... 😂

    Vastmind
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran


    I can't think of one at the moment, but I know that somewhere out there is a funny caption to go with this ..So I'm open to offers ;);)

    DagobahZen
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    A bit of Aussie humour from "The Inspired Unemployed" .

    https://www.youtube.com/shorts/JHzfSTFnNdo
    It reminds me of my old hitchhiking days travelling around Oz ;)

    DagobahZen
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    An old man of eighty-two went to a sperm bank to make a deposit.
    "Are you sure," asked the woman at the reception desk, "that you want to do this?" "Yes," answered the old man, "I feel it is my duty to give something of myself to the world."
    The woman handed him a jar, and directed him to a room down the hall. When thirty minutes had passed and he did not return, the girl began to worry. She feared he might have had a heart attack or a stroke.
    At that moment the old man came out of the room and approached the young woman. "Listen," he said, "I tried it with one hand, then I tried it with two hands, then I got it up and beat it on the sink. Then I ran warm water on it, then cold water over it....
    "And still I can't get the lid off the jar."

    marcitkoperson
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    howDagobahZenlobster
  • @Shoshin1 said:

    I can't think of one at the moment, but I know that somewhere out there is a funny caption to go with this ..So I'm open to offers ;);)

    In a "I think I left the oven on" moment the mandorin Mussolini admits to son he may have left the nuclear codes activated

    Shoshin1
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think The liminal space Veteran

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    howDagobahZen
  • VastmindVastmind Memphis, TN Veteran

    America just needs a Mom to be like, “ A new war? You never even finished the last two. You got new war money? ..we have plenty of war at home.” 🤣💯

    lobstermarcitkoShoshin1DagobahZen
  • marcitkomarcitko Veteran
    edited July 30

    On my phone and having technical difficulties. So just leaving the link below.

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/buddhisthumor2.0/permalink/898682755403585/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    Having come from a small village, Giovanni had never seen a train in his life. So one day he decided to go and see one. Standing on the rail he heard the train whistle, “Tooo-tooo!” Before he knew what hit him, the train was upon him and knocked him off the rail. The last thing he could remember was flying through the air.

    When he gained consciousness, Giovanni found himself laid up in the hospital for several months. During this time his wife used their accident insurance money to buy a well-equipped, modern flat in the city.

    Once fully recovered, Giovanni went to his new home. His wife made a cake to celebrate his recovery and put the new kettle on the stove to make some coffee to go with the cake. As the water boiled, the kettle whispered, “Tooo-tooo!” Startled, Giovanni jumped up, rushed to the kitchen, grabbed the new kettle and smashed it on the floor, kicking it several times.

    “What the hell are you doing?” cried out his wife.

    “These things!” shouted Giovanni, “You’ve got to kill them while they’re young!”

    Jeffrey
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    The pilot of a new jet plane was winging over the Catskills and pointed out a pleasant valley to his second in command. “See that spot?” he demanded. “When I was a barefoot kid, I used to sit in a flat-bottomed rowboat down there, fishing. Every time a plane flew by I would look up and dream I was piloting it. Now I look down and dream I am fishing.

    Jeffrey
  • Steve_BSteve_B Veteran

    There’s a variation on this that I read many years ago, before the internet, but it has several layers. A small GA plane, an airliner, the space shuttle. I’ve looked for it a few times over the years but never found it.

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    That horse has bolted

    VastmindJeffreyDagobahZen
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    DagobahZenVastmindlobsterhow
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    I have this poster on the wall of the office where I work, ( a financial mentoring service)

    how
  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it all depends on how much the light bulb wants to change.

    howlobster
  • lobsterlobster Crusty Veteran

    Comedy jokes from Dave Allan...

    Steve_BLionduckShoshin1
  • Humor is a potent medicine.

  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.

    Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its centre, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians shagging.

    After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.

    The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, “Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?”

    Shoshin1
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    lobsterVastmindJeroen
  • Shoshin1Shoshin1 Sentient Being Oceania Veteran

    personVastmindJeffrey
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    A young man asks his grandmother for directions to her new apartment.
    "It's Flat 4, 17, Acacia Close, Bromley. You'll find double glass doors. They're locked, but press the buzzer with your elbow to open them. Press the lift call with your elbow, then once in, press the 3rd floor button with your elbow. Once you get out, turn left. I'm the 2nd door on the right. Press the doorbell with your elbow."
    "That's great, Grandma, I'll see you soon... but... why do I have to keep using my elbow?!"
    The old lady replies,
    "What... you're coming empty-handed?!"

    Shoshin1lobster
  • lobsterlobster Crusty Veteran

    @Lionduck said:
    Humor is a potent medicine.

    Exactly so. Here is the cult version…
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Order_of_Jesters

  • JeroenJeroen Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter Netherlands Veteran

    lobster
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