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JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
“Are you going to vote Republican today?” Asked a man of his friend.
“No, I think I’ll vote Democrat. My father was a Democrat, and so was his father.”
“That’s idiotic reasoning. If your grandfather was a horse thief, what would that make you?”
“Well, that would make me a Republican.”
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
During the second world war, at the Russian front, an Italian and a German general are preparing an attack. When all the preparations are ready, and the attack is ready to be launched, the German general calls his servant: "Heinz, bring me my red coat."
"What, a red coat?" says the Italian general surprised. "How come?"
"Well, during the battle I may be hurt; blood may be flowing, and my soldiers, seeing blood, might get demoralized. So I always wear a red coat during battle."
"What a great idea," says the Italian general and calls his servant.
"Giuseppe, quick, bring my brown trousers!"
2
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
One night in Washington, when Nixon was president, there was a heavy snowfall. When the president woke up in the morning, he looked out of the window and saw a beautiful blanket of snow covering the White House lawn. He snapped out of his beautiful reverie when he noticed, written on the lawn in yellow snow, "Dick Nixon is an asshole."
The president got very angry and summoned the FBI and CIA. "I want that urine to be analyzed," he ordered them. "And I want to find out who the culprit is right now, without delay! This is top priority!"
Early in the afternoon a representative of the two agencies reported back to Nixon. He said, "We have tested the urine and we know whose it is. However, there is some good news and some bad news; which would you like first?"
"Oh no," said Nixon. "Guess you had better give me the good news first."
"Well, sir," said the man. "We analyzed the urine, and it is Henry Kissinger's."
"Oh no," cried Nixon, and then suddenly the realization hit him. "That's the good news? What could the bad news possibly be?"
The man answered him, "It was in your wife's handwriting."
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
An old man of eighty-two went to a sperm bank to make a deposit.
"Are you sure," asked the woman at the reception desk, "that you want to do this?" "Yes," answered the old man, "I feel it is my duty to give something of myself to the world."
The woman handed him a jar, and directed him to a room down the hall. When thirty minutes had passed and he did not return, the girl began to worry. She feared he might have had a heart attack or a stroke.
At that moment the old man came out of the room and approached the young woman. "Listen," he said, "I tried it with one hand, then I tried it with two hands, then I got it up and beat it on the sink. Then I ran warm water on it, then cold water over it....
"And still I can't get the lid off the jar."
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
Having come from a small village, Giovanni had never seen a train in his life. So one day he decided to go and see one. Standing on the rail he heard the train whistle, “Tooo-tooo!” Before he knew what hit him, the train was upon him and knocked him off the rail. The last thing he could remember was flying through the air.
When he gained consciousness, Giovanni found himself laid up in the hospital for several months. During this time his wife used their accident insurance money to buy a well-equipped, modern flat in the city.
Once fully recovered, Giovanni went to his new home. His wife made a cake to celebrate his recovery and put the new kettle on the stove to make some coffee to go with the cake. As the water boiled, the kettle whispered, “Tooo-tooo!” Startled, Giovanni jumped up, rushed to the kitchen, grabbed the new kettle and smashed it on the floor, kicking it several times.
“What the hell are you doing?” cried out his wife.
“These things!” shouted Giovanni, “You’ve got to kill them while they’re young!”
1
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
The pilot of a new jet plane was winging over the Catskills and pointed out a pleasant valley to his second in command. “See that spot?” he demanded. “When I was a barefoot kid, I used to sit in a flat-bottomed rowboat down there, fishing. Every time a plane flew by I would look up and dream I was piloting it. Now I look down and dream I am fishing.
There’s a variation on this that I read many years ago, before the internet, but it has several layers. A small GA plane, an airliner, the space shuttle. I’ve looked for it a few times over the years but never found it.
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its centre, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians shagging.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, “Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?”
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited October 28
A young couple, intending to shortly marry, are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting by the Pearly gates, waiting admission. They lament the fact that a week hence, they would have been married, so when Peter comes along, clipboard in hand, to welcome them in, they ask him, "could we please get married in Heaven?"
St Peter, doesn't know, but says, "wait here, I'll go find out..." and he scurries off.
The couple wait one month... then two months... and the woman turns to her fiancé and says, "what if it doesn't work out? What if, after a few years, we find we've made a mistake, and want to divorce?!"
They sit on the question for yet another month, and then St Peter returns, beaming.
"Yes!" He declares, jubilant, "we can marry you in Heaven!"
The couple are delighted, then the young man asks, "What if, eventually, we decide to divorce?"
St Peter throws down his clipboard angrily, and yells at the couple,
"It's taken me 3 months to find a priest in this place, how long do you think it will take me to find a bloody lawyer?!"
5
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
A young man asks his grandmother for directions to her new apartment.
"It's Flat 4, 17, Acacia Close, Bromley. You'll find double glass doors. They're locked, but press the buzzer with your elbow to open them. Press the lift call with your elbow, then once in, press the 3rd floor button with your elbow. Once you get out, turn left. I'm the 2nd door on the right. Press the doorbell with your elbow."
"That's great, Grandma, I'll see you soon... but... why do I have to keep using my elbow?!"
The old lady replies,
"What... you're coming empty-handed?!"
Comments
“Are you going to vote Republican today?” Asked a man of his friend.
“No, I think I’ll vote Democrat. My father was a Democrat, and so was his father.”
“That’s idiotic reasoning. If your grandfather was a horse thief, what would that make you?”
“Well, that would make me a Republican.”
During the second world war, at the Russian front, an Italian and a German general are preparing an attack. When all the preparations are ready, and the attack is ready to be launched, the German general calls his servant: "Heinz, bring me my red coat."
"What, a red coat?" says the Italian general surprised. "How come?"
"Well, during the battle I may be hurt; blood may be flowing, and my soldiers, seeing blood, might get demoralized. So I always wear a red coat during battle."
"What a great idea," says the Italian general and calls his servant.
"Giuseppe, quick, bring my brown trousers!"
One night in Washington, when Nixon was president, there was a heavy snowfall. When the president woke up in the morning, he looked out of the window and saw a beautiful blanket of snow covering the White House lawn. He snapped out of his beautiful reverie when he noticed, written on the lawn in yellow snow, "Dick Nixon is an asshole."
The president got very angry and summoned the FBI and CIA. "I want that urine to be analyzed," he ordered them. "And I want to find out who the culprit is right now, without delay! This is top priority!"
Early in the afternoon a representative of the two agencies reported back to Nixon. He said, "We have tested the urine and we know whose it is. However, there is some good news and some bad news; which would you like first?"
"Oh no," said Nixon. "Guess you had better give me the good news first."
"Well, sir," said the man. "We analyzed the urine, and it is Henry Kissinger's."
"Oh no," cried Nixon, and then suddenly the realization hit him. "That's the good news? What could the bad news possibly be?"
The man answered him, "It was in your wife's handwriting."
Jon Stewart cracks me up... 😂
I can't think of one at the moment, but I know that somewhere out there is a funny caption to go with this ..So I'm open to offers
A bit of Aussie humour from "The Inspired Unemployed" .
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/JHzfSTFnNdo
It reminds me of my old hitchhiking days travelling around Oz
An old man of eighty-two went to a sperm bank to make a deposit.
"Are you sure," asked the woman at the reception desk, "that you want to do this?" "Yes," answered the old man, "I feel it is my duty to give something of myself to the world."
The woman handed him a jar, and directed him to a room down the hall. When thirty minutes had passed and he did not return, the girl began to worry. She feared he might have had a heart attack or a stroke.
At that moment the old man came out of the room and approached the young woman. "Listen," he said, "I tried it with one hand, then I tried it with two hands, then I got it up and beat it on the sink. Then I ran warm water on it, then cold water over it....
"And still I can't get the lid off the jar."
In a "I think I left the oven on" moment the mandorin Mussolini admits to son he may have left the nuclear codes activated
America just needs a Mom to be like, “ A new war? You never even finished the last two. You got new war money? ..we have plenty of war at home.” 🤣💯
On my phone and having technical difficulties. So just leaving the link below.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/buddhisthumor2.0/permalink/898682755403585/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v
Having come from a small village, Giovanni had never seen a train in his life. So one day he decided to go and see one. Standing on the rail he heard the train whistle, “Tooo-tooo!” Before he knew what hit him, the train was upon him and knocked him off the rail. The last thing he could remember was flying through the air.
When he gained consciousness, Giovanni found himself laid up in the hospital for several months. During this time his wife used their accident insurance money to buy a well-equipped, modern flat in the city.
Once fully recovered, Giovanni went to his new home. His wife made a cake to celebrate his recovery and put the new kettle on the stove to make some coffee to go with the cake. As the water boiled, the kettle whispered, “Tooo-tooo!” Startled, Giovanni jumped up, rushed to the kitchen, grabbed the new kettle and smashed it on the floor, kicking it several times.
“What the hell are you doing?” cried out his wife.
“These things!” shouted Giovanni, “You’ve got to kill them while they’re young!”
The pilot of a new jet plane was winging over the Catskills and pointed out a pleasant valley to his second in command. “See that spot?” he demanded. “When I was a barefoot kid, I used to sit in a flat-bottomed rowboat down there, fishing. Every time a plane flew by I would look up and dream I was piloting it. Now I look down and dream I am fishing.
There’s a variation on this that I read many years ago, before the internet, but it has several layers. A small GA plane, an airliner, the space shuttle. I’ve looked for it a few times over the years but never found it.
That horse has bolted
I have this poster on the wall of the office where I work, ( a financial mentoring service)
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it all depends on how much the light bulb wants to change.
Comedy jokes from Dave Allan...
Humor is a potent medicine.
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its centre, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians shagging.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, “Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?”
A young couple, intending to shortly marry, are involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting by the Pearly gates, waiting admission. They lament the fact that a week hence, they would have been married, so when Peter comes along, clipboard in hand, to welcome them in, they ask him, "could we please get married in Heaven?"
St Peter, doesn't know, but says, "wait here, I'll go find out..." and he scurries off.
The couple wait one month... then two months... and the woman turns to her fiancé and says, "what if it doesn't work out? What if, after a few years, we find we've made a mistake, and want to divorce?!"
They sit on the question for yet another month, and then St Peter returns, beaming.
"Yes!" He declares, jubilant, "we can marry you in Heaven!"
The couple are delighted, then the young man asks, "What if, eventually, we decide to divorce?"
St Peter throws down his clipboard angrily, and yells at the couple,
"It's taken me 3 months to find a priest in this place, how long do you think it will take me to find a bloody lawyer?!"
A young man asks his grandmother for directions to her new apartment.
"It's Flat 4, 17, Acacia Close, Bromley. You'll find double glass doors. They're locked, but press the buzzer with your elbow to open them. Press the lift call with your elbow, then once in, press the 3rd floor button with your elbow. Once you get out, turn left. I'm the 2nd door on the right. Press the doorbell with your elbow."
"That's great, Grandma, I'll see you soon... but... why do I have to keep using my elbow?!"
The old lady replies,
"What... you're coming empty-handed?!"
Exactly so. Here is the cult version…
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Royal_Order_of_Jesters