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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Three friends met up for lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for fifteen years. The were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
They met in three days for lunch and talked about how it went.
The engaged one started saying, “The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”
The mistress went next. “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.”
Finally, the married one shared her story. “When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He came in the door, saw me and said, ‘What’s for dinner, Zorro?'”
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
To all my American friends across the pond:
6
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
edited July 2019
Woop, lets go dump some tea in the lake.
1
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
3
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 50 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long ..."
1
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Raindrops on noses and whiskey for kittens
Bright copper medals and warm woo-woo smittens
Brown puaper packages tied up with noodles
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored balloonies and crisp apple ipads
Cowbells and dour belles and schnitzel with poodles
Wild geese that fly with a swoon on their swings
These are a few of my favorite things
Boys in white dresses with blue Satan lashes
Snowflakes that stay up my nose and goulashes
Silver hot winters that melt into bling
These are a few of my favorite thongs
When the Borg bites, when the bee sings
When I'm feeling lad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel,
so mad!
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Doctor: So you and your husband are hoping to have a baby... Lady patient: Yes... D: you do realise you're on the mature side... late 30's is quite 'late in the day'... LP: I know, but, I've given up smoking and drinking, I no longer have coffee or tea, I avoid dairy, I'm eating organic, I'm getting my '5 a day', taking regular exercise, swimming, yoga, getting enough sleep and I've given up the stress of work, so I think I'm ticking all the boxes... D: Are you having sex on a regular basis? LP (exasperated): Well, for goodness' sake, I can't do EVERYTHING!
4
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
I came across a funny story...
A man went to see a famous Lama, who had been in retreat for twenty years and was held in great respect for his accomplishments. Accidentally the visitor stood on the Lama’s toes, and the Lama became furiously angry, and then he said to him “Go! I never want to see you again! Twenty years of meditation, ruined in an instant.”
A man went to see a famous Lama, who had been in retreat for twenty years and was held in great respect for his accomplishments. Accidentally the visitor stood on the Lama’s toes, and the Lama became furiously angry, and then he said to him “Go! I never want to see you again! Twenty years of meditation, ruined in an instant.”
I like it. Meditative bliss wiped out by crushed toes.
A 70 year old couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said "Will you watch us have sex?". The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex", and charged them $16.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything; she's married and we cant go to her house, and I'm married so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $75.00; And, the Hilton charges $125.00; we do it here for $16.00 and get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office.
5
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
I hope the water was fresh. 😬 I know someone who dropped hers into yellow water, I laugh thinking of that split second moment where your brain tries to battle out your craving to save the phone vs your aversion to sticking your hand in it.
True... Fortunately it wasn't a number two ...it slipped out of a pocket at the same time I flushed the toilet so it fell in as the flush was happening and I quickly scooped it out before it went right in...and as luck would have it, the case was wet but not the actual phone, I took the battery out to make sure it wasn't wet inside..
So with that episode I can proudly say I have now completed all the Dukkha 'tasks' on the above chart...
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Nope. They forgot lego. Stepping on a lego in the dark, on your way to the loo. You haven't known 'shit happens' until you've survived that proud moment of total, penetrating, utterly mind-clearing agony.
2
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Shit happens... to be categorised!
0
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
edited July 2019
My uncle on being told of the Bristol Stool Chart’s existence said he was aware of a Type 8 which was totally off the end and turned people into complete arseholes. Go figure.
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy -- and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
-Stephen King
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Someone once asked Little Stevie Wonder (not so little now, is he?!) what it was like being a blind singer..
Quick as a flash, he replied, "Well.... it's better than being black...."
There’s a story that has floated around for years that may be apocryphal or very well may be true, regarding the time Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin, and Neil Armstrong were training for the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.
In the years leading to the mission, astronauts spent time at one of NASA’s training grounds just outside of Flagstaff, AZ. Here, in a spot called Cinder Lake, the landscape contains fields of porous volcanic soil from eruptions a thousand years prior – the perfect place to recreate an area of the lunar surface known as Mare Tranquillitatis.
NASA went to great lengths to create a realistic moon analogue, using copious amounts of explosives to replicate Mare Tranquillitatis’ craters. Skeptics of the moon landing point to Cinder Lake as the set where the footage was filmed, but that’s beside the point.
While training at Cinder Lake one day, the astronauts were approached by a local Navajo elder who was curious as to what was going on. The astronauts told him they were training for an expedition that would eventually land on the surface of the moon.
The Native American man appeared amazed and slightly taken aback, contemplating what the astronauts told him in silence for a minute. He then told them his people believed there were sacred spirits on the moon, ones the astronauts might encounter while up there.
The elder asked the astronauts if they could deliver a message to the spirits from his people upon landing. Armstrong and Aldrin were willing to oblige, asking what the message was. The tribal elder had them repeat a sentence in his native tongue, over and over, until they had memorized it.
“What does it mean?” the astronauts asked.
“I can’t tell you, it’s a secret only allowed to be understood by my people and the moon spirits,” the old man said.
The astronauts, confounded by the message they were told to deliver, sought someone who spoke Navajo to translate the meaning of the cryptic words.
Upon returning to their base, the astronauts found a translator and repeated the phrase to him. The interpreter took one look at them and began hysterically laughing.
He said, “It means, don’t trust a word these people are telling you. They’re here to steal your land.”
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited July 2019
Apocryphal or not, There's many a true word said in jest...
I find it immensely ironic that there is serious, ongoing constructive talk about sending equipment - and people - to Mars, to conduct trials involving excavation and drilling, to determine whether there is microbial or bacterial life on Mars, but in order to do so, they are falling over themselves working out the infinitesimal minutiae involved, to ensure, absolutely 100%, that whatever they might do, it will not affect the state of the planet in any negative, detrimental, destructive way whatsoever.
Meanwhile, back on earth, we are still recklessly, mindlessly, carelessly exploiting every and any resource and loophole, in an effort to get whatever we can out of it, at tremendous cost to the environment, the climate and all its inhabitants, all of which is fueled by greed in all its guises. FFS....
With apologies to the thread. It really isn't funny at all.
I’ve always really loved honey, and have fancied the idea of having a hive. So, I looked online for a place that sells them, nearby, and it turns out there are a lot of beekeepers around where I live. So, I decided to drive out to one and talk to them about it. As it turns out, bees are also in pretty high demand and are more expensive than I thought. I didn’t have quite enough cash on me to cover the cost of the whole setup, and most beekeepers don’t take credit cards — who knew? Anyway, the beekeeper was really nice and told me not to worry; he ended up only charging me for most of the bees and threw in a few freebies.
5
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
@lobster are you looking into keeping your bees as healthy as possible? I’ve known several bee keepers in the past, one of which ran a foundation for bee health which advocated taking a minimum of honey from the hives because honey is a better food for bees than sugar water, which is what most bee keepers use to replace the honey they take.
Comments
Can we not insert local pics anymore? I've even typed in the code myself 🤬🤦
Not at the moment, no. That option is broken (according to @Linc) and takes time to fix...
Well.....$#@! shrugs
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.
While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'
Why did the chicken cross the road...?
Three friends met up for lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for fifteen years. The were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
They met in three days for lunch and talked about how it went.
The engaged one started saying, “The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”
The mistress went next. “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.”
Finally, the married one shared her story. “When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He came in the door, saw me and said, ‘What’s for dinner, Zorro?'”
To all my American friends across the pond:
Woop, lets go dump some tea in the lake.
That went well....!
Sorry I'm having too much fun playing Oblong Egg Handball (ie football) to acknowledge the queen on this day!
Here is a scene of such oblong egg handball from the worst movie ever, "the Room":
I don’t know, why did the chicken cross the road?
Is this the NSFW version or the "nice" version? Because I have multiple answers.....
Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
"Hello Sarge."
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here.”
"What happened?"
"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet!”
To get to the idiot's house...
Oh, and...
Knock knock!
Who's there?
The chicken...
Got my nephew good with that one.
I know, I can't believe my H fell for it either!
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 50 miles per hour?"
"Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long ..."
(@Bunks was not amused...)
Lyrical Interlude:
Raindrops on noses and whiskey for kittens
Bright copper medals and warm woo-woo smittens
Brown puaper packages tied up with noodles
These are a few of my favorite things
Cream colored balloonies and crisp apple ipads
Cowbells and dour belles and schnitzel with poodles
Wild geese that fly with a swoon on their swings
These are a few of my favorite things
Boys in white dresses with blue Satan lashes
Snowflakes that stay up my nose and goulashes
Silver hot winters that melt into bling
These are a few of my favorite thongs
When the Borg bites, when the bee sings
When I'm feeling lad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don't feel,
so mad!
😌
Doctor: So you and your husband are hoping to have a baby...
Lady patient: Yes...
D: you do realise you're on the mature side... late 30's is quite 'late in the day'...
LP: I know, but, I've given up smoking and drinking, I no longer have coffee or tea, I avoid dairy, I'm eating organic, I'm getting my '5 a day', taking regular exercise, swimming, yoga, getting enough sleep and I've given up the stress of work, so I think I'm ticking all the boxes...
D: Are you having sex on a regular basis?
LP (exasperated): Well, for goodness' sake, I can't do EVERYTHING!
I came across a funny story...
A man went to see a famous Lama, who had been in retreat for twenty years and was held in great respect for his accomplishments. Accidentally the visitor stood on the Lama’s toes, and the Lama became furiously angry, and then he said to him “Go! I never want to see you again! Twenty years of meditation, ruined in an instant.”
I like it. Meditative bliss wiped out by crushed toes.
A 70 year old couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said "Will you watch us have sex?". The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex", and charged them $16.00 for the office visit.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex, pay the doctor and leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything; she's married and we cant go to her house, and I'm married so we cant go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $75.00; And, the Hilton charges $125.00; we do it here for $16.00 and get back $12.80 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office.
😂 Sent to my whole family via WhatsApp. Thank you @Kerome
@Bunks that's really the most dreadful joke a Buddhist could ever repeat. Honestly, you may be amused, but this is no place for a joke like this.
...So much so, that I stole it, claimed it as my own and have posted it on facebook.
I could barely type for crying with laughter....
Last week at work I did number three...
Shit happens
I hope the water was fresh. 😬 I know someone who dropped hers into yellow water, I laugh thinking of that split second moment where your brain tries to battle out your craving to save the phone vs your aversion to sticking your hand in it.
True...
Fortunately it wasn't a number two ...it slipped out of a pocket at the same time I flushed the toilet so it fell in as the flush was happening and I quickly scooped it out before it went right in...and as luck would have it, the case was wet but not the actual phone, I took the battery out to make sure it wasn't wet inside..
So with that episode I can proudly say I have now completed all the Dukkha 'tasks' on the above chart...
Nope. They forgot lego. Stepping on a lego in the dark, on your way to the loo. You haven't known 'shit happens' until you've survived that proud moment of total, penetrating, utterly mind-clearing agony.
Yes but what kind...
I think that chart's a load of crap
Shit happens... to be categorised!
My uncle on being told of the Bristol Stool Chart’s existence said he was aware of a Type 8 which was totally off the end and turned people into complete arseholes. Go figure.
One for @federica ...
Let's eat kids.
Let's eat, kids.
Use a comma.
Save lives!
Who says the absence of the comma was unintentional?
"People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy -- and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
-Stephen King
Someone once asked Little Stevie Wonder (not so little now, is he?!) what it was like being a blind singer..
Quick as a flash, he replied, "Well.... it's better than being black...."
There’s a story that has floated around for years that may be apocryphal or very well may be true, regarding the time Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin, and Neil Armstrong were training for the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.
In the years leading to the mission, astronauts spent time at one of NASA’s training grounds just outside of Flagstaff, AZ. Here, in a spot called Cinder Lake, the landscape contains fields of porous volcanic soil from eruptions a thousand years prior – the perfect place to recreate an area of the lunar surface known as Mare Tranquillitatis.
NASA went to great lengths to create a realistic moon analogue, using copious amounts of explosives to replicate Mare Tranquillitatis’ craters. Skeptics of the moon landing point to Cinder Lake as the set where the footage was filmed, but that’s beside the point.
While training at Cinder Lake one day, the astronauts were approached by a local Navajo elder who was curious as to what was going on. The astronauts told him they were training for an expedition that would eventually land on the surface of the moon.
The Native American man appeared amazed and slightly taken aback, contemplating what the astronauts told him in silence for a minute. He then told them his people believed there were sacred spirits on the moon, ones the astronauts might encounter while up there.
The elder asked the astronauts if they could deliver a message to the spirits from his people upon landing. Armstrong and Aldrin were willing to oblige, asking what the message was. The tribal elder had them repeat a sentence in his native tongue, over and over, until they had memorized it.
“What does it mean?” the astronauts asked.
“I can’t tell you, it’s a secret only allowed to be understood by my people and the moon spirits,” the old man said.
The astronauts, confounded by the message they were told to deliver, sought someone who spoke Navajo to translate the meaning of the cryptic words.
Upon returning to their base, the astronauts found a translator and repeated the phrase to him. The interpreter took one look at them and began hysterically laughing.
He said, “It means, don’t trust a word these people are telling you. They’re here to steal your land.”
Apocryphal or not, There's many a true word said in jest...
I find it immensely ironic that there is serious, ongoing constructive talk about sending equipment - and people - to Mars, to conduct trials involving excavation and drilling, to determine whether there is microbial or bacterial life on Mars, but in order to do so, they are falling over themselves working out the infinitesimal minutiae involved, to ensure, absolutely 100%, that whatever they might do, it will not affect the state of the planet in any negative, detrimental, destructive way whatsoever.
Meanwhile, back on earth, we are still recklessly, mindlessly, carelessly exploiting every and any resource and loophole, in an effort to get whatever we can out of it, at tremendous cost to the environment, the climate and all its inhabitants, all of which is fueled by greed in all its guises. FFS....
With apologies to the thread. It really isn't funny at all.
I’ve always really loved honey, and have fancied the idea of having a hive. So, I looked online for a place that sells them, nearby, and it turns out there are a lot of beekeepers around where I live. So, I decided to drive out to one and talk to them about it. As it turns out, bees are also in pretty high demand and are more expensive than I thought. I didn’t have quite enough cash on me to cover the cost of the whole setup, and most beekeepers don’t take credit cards — who knew? Anyway, the beekeeper was really nice and told me not to worry; he ended up only charging me for most of the bees and threw in a few freebies.
@lobster are you looking into keeping your bees as healthy as possible? I’ve known several bee keepers in the past, one of which ran a foundation for bee health which advocated taking a minimum of honey from the hives because honey is a better food for bees than sugar water, which is what most bee keepers use to replace the honey they take.