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Funny Stuff

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Comments

  • KundoKundo Veteran Sydney, Australia Veteran

    Can we not insert local pics anymore? I've even typed in the code myself 🤬🤦

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited June 12

    @Kundo said:
    Can we not insert local pics anymore? I've even typed in the code myself 🤬🤦

    Not at the moment, no. That option is broken (according to @Linc) and takes time to fix...

  • KundoKundo Veteran Sydney, Australia Veteran

    Not at the moment, no. That option is broken (according to @Linc) and takes time to fix...

    Well.....$#@! shrugs

  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue.

    While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

    'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

    'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

    But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

    'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

    'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.'

    'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

    'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...

    'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

    ShoshinVastmindBunksperson
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    BunksVastmindShoshin
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    VastmindlobsterBunks
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Why did the chicken cross the road...?

  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    Three friends met up for lunch. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and one has been married for fifteen years. The were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black lingerie, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

    They met in three days for lunch and talked about how it went.

    The engaged one started saying, “The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.”

    The mistress went next. “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.”

    Finally, the married one shared her story. “When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He came in the door, saw me and said, ‘What’s for dinner, Zorro?'”

    VastmindShoshin
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think the void Veteran
    edited July 4

    Woop, lets go dump some tea in the lake.

    lobster
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    That went well....! :lol:

  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran Veteran
    edited July 5

    Sorry I'm having too much fun playing Oblong Egg Handball (ie football) to acknowledge the queen on this day!

    Here is a scene of such oblong egg handball from the worst movie ever, "the Room":

    Bunks
  • BunksBunks Veteran Australia Veteran

    @federica said:
    Why did the chicken cross the road...?

    I don’t know, why did the chicken cross the road?

  • KundoKundo Veteran Sydney, Australia Veteran

    @federica said:
    Why did the chicken cross the road...?

    Is this the NSFW version or the "nice" version? Because I have multiple answers..... :awesome:

    Vastmind
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.
    "Hello Sarge."
    "Yes."
    "It looks like we have a homicide here.”
    "What happened?"
    "A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."
    "Have you placed her under arrest?"
    "No sir. The floor is still wet!”

    adamcrossleyBunksShoshin
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @Kundo said:

    @federica said:
    Why did the chicken cross the road...?

    Is this the NSFW version or the "nice" version? Because I have multiple answers..... :awesome:

    To get to the idiot's house...

    Bunks
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Oh, and...

    Knock knock!

  • BunksBunks Veteran Australia Veteran

    @federica said:
    Oh, and...

    Knock knock!

    Who's there?

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    The chicken...

    personKundoKerome
  • personperson Don't believe everything you think the void Veteran

    Got my nephew good with that one.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @person said:
    Got my nephew good with that one.

    I know, I can't believe my H fell for it either! :lol:

  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 50 miles per hour?"
    "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long ..."

    Bunks
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @federica said:
    The chicken...

    (@Bunks was not amused...) :D

    Bunks
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    Lyrical Interlude:

    Raindrops on noses and whiskey for kittens
    Bright copper medals and warm woo-woo smittens
    Brown puaper packages tied up with noodles
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Cream colored balloonies and crisp apple ipads
    Cowbells and dour belles and schnitzel with poodles
    Wild geese that fly with a swoon on their swings
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Boys in white dresses with blue Satan lashes
    Snowflakes that stay up my nose and goulashes
    Silver hot winters that melt into bling
    These are a few of my favorite thongs

    When the Borg bites, when the bee sings
    When I'm feeling lad
    I simply remember my favourite things
    And then I don't feel,
    so mad!

    😌

    Vastmind
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    Bunksadamcrossley
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Doctor: So you and your husband are hoping to have a baby...
    Lady patient: Yes...
    D: you do realise you're on the mature side... late 30's is quite 'late in the day'...
    LP: I know, but, I've given up smoking and drinking, I no longer have coffee or tea, I avoid dairy, I'm eating organic, I'm getting my '5 a day', taking regular exercise, swimming, yoga, getting enough sleep and I've given up the stress of work, so I think I'm ticking all the boxes...
    D: Are you having sex on a regular basis?
    LP (exasperated): Well, for goodness' sake, I can't do EVERYTHING!

    BunksKundoVastmindlobster
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    I came across a funny story...

    A man went to see a famous Lama, who had been in retreat for twenty years and was held in great respect for his accomplishments. Accidentally the visitor stood on the Lama’s toes, and the Lama became furiously angry, and then he said to him “Go! I never want to see you again! Twenty years of meditation, ruined in an instant.”

    Jeffreyperson
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran Veteran

    @Kerome said:
    I came across a funny story...

    A man went to see a famous Lama, who had been in retreat for twenty years and was held in great respect for his accomplishments. Accidentally the visitor stood on the Lama’s toes, and the Lama became furiously angry, and then he said to him “Go! I never want to see you again! Twenty years of meditation, ruined in an instant.”

    I like it. Meditative bliss wiped out by crushed toes.

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    adamcrossleyShoshinBunks
  • adamcrossleyadamcrossley Veteran Veteran

    @Kerome said:

    😂 Sent to my whole family via WhatsApp. Thank you @Kerome

  • BunksBunks Veteran Australia Veteran

    lobsteradamcrossleyShoshin
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    @Bunks that's really the most dreadful joke a Buddhist could ever repeat. Honestly, you may be amused, but this is no place for a joke like this.

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    ...So much so, that I stole it, claimed it as my own and have posted it on facebook.

    I could barely type for crying with laughter....

    Bunks
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran
    edited July 16

    Last week at work I did number three...

    Shit happens :) ;)

  • personperson Don't believe everything you think the void Veteran

    I hope the water was fresh. 😬 I know someone who dropped hers into yellow water, I laugh thinking of that split second moment where your brain tries to battle out your craving to save the phone vs your aversion to sticking your hand in it.

    Shoshin
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    True... :) Fortunately it wasn't a number two ...it slipped out of a pocket at the same time I flushed the toilet so it fell in as the flush was happening and I quickly scooped it out before it went right in...and as luck would have it, the case was wet but not the actual phone, I took the battery out to make sure it wasn't wet inside..

    So with that episode I can proudly say I have now completed all the Dukkha 'tasks' on the above chart... ;) ;)

    personBunks
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Nope. They forgot lego. Stepping on a lego in the dark, on your way to the loo. You haven't known 'shit happens' until you've survived that proud moment of total, penetrating, utterly mind-clearing agony.

    Shoshinadamcrossley
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @Shoshin said:
    Shit happens :) ;)

    Yes but what kind...

    Shoshin
  • ShoshinShoshin No one in particular Nowhere Special Veteran

    I think that chart's a load of crap :)

    lobsterperson
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Shit happens... to be categorised!

  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran
    edited July 17

    My uncle on being told of the Bristol Stool Chart’s existence said he was aware of a Type 8 which was totally off the end and turned people into complete arseholes. Go figure.

    federicaShoshinKundo
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran
    edited July 17

    One for @federica ...

    Let's eat kids.
    Let's eat, kids.
    Use a comma.
    Save lives!

  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Who says the absence of the comma was unintentional?

    Kundolobster
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    "People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy -- and I keep it in a jar on my desk."
    -Stephen King

    BunkspersonShoshinadamcrossley
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator

    Someone once asked Little Stevie Wonder (not so little now, is he?!) what it was like being a blind singer..
    Quick as a flash, he replied, "Well.... it's better than being black...."

    adamcrossleyKeromelobsterBunks
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    There’s a story that has floated around for years that may be apocryphal or very well may be true, regarding the time Michael Collins, Buzz Aldrin, and Neil Armstrong were training for the Apollo 11 mission to the moon.

    In the years leading to the mission, astronauts spent time at one of NASA’s training grounds just outside of Flagstaff, AZ. Here, in a spot called Cinder Lake, the landscape contains fields of porous volcanic soil from eruptions a thousand years prior – the perfect place to recreate an area of the lunar surface known as Mare Tranquillitatis.

    NASA went to great lengths to create a realistic moon analogue, using copious amounts of explosives to replicate Mare Tranquillitatis’ craters. Skeptics of the moon landing point to Cinder Lake as the set where the footage was filmed, but that’s beside the point.

    While training at Cinder Lake one day, the astronauts were approached by a local Navajo elder who was curious as to what was going on. The astronauts told him they were training for an expedition that would eventually land on the surface of the moon.

    The Native American man appeared amazed and slightly taken aback, contemplating what the astronauts told him in silence for a minute. He then told them his people believed there were sacred spirits on the moon, ones the astronauts might encounter while up there.

    The elder asked the astronauts if they could deliver a message to the spirits from his people upon landing. Armstrong and Aldrin were willing to oblige, asking what the message was. The tribal elder had them repeat a sentence in his native tongue, over and over, until they had memorized it.

    “What does it mean?” the astronauts asked.

    “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret only allowed to be understood by my people and the moon spirits,” the old man said.

    The astronauts, confounded by the message they were told to deliver, sought someone who spoke Navajo to translate the meaning of the cryptic words.

    Upon returning to their base, the astronauts found a translator and repeated the phrase to him. The interpreter took one look at them and began hysterically laughing.

    He said, “It means, don’t trust a word these people are telling you. They’re here to steal your land.”

    adamcrossleyKundoBunksShoshin
  • federicafederica seeker of the clear blue sky Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited July 28

    Apocryphal or not, There's many a true word said in jest...

    I find it immensely ironic that there is serious, ongoing constructive talk about sending equipment - and people - to Mars, to conduct trials involving excavation and drilling, to determine whether there is microbial or bacterial life on Mars, but in order to do so, they are falling over themselves working out the infinitesimal minutiae involved, to ensure, absolutely 100%, that whatever they might do, it will not affect the state of the planet in any negative, detrimental, destructive way whatsoever.

    Meanwhile, back on earth, we are still recklessly, mindlessly, carelessly exploiting every and any resource and loophole, in an effort to get whatever we can out of it, at tremendous cost to the environment, the climate and all its inhabitants, all of which is fueled by greed in all its guises. FFS....

    With apologies to the thread. It really isn't funny at all.

    adamcrossley
  • lobsterlobster Veteran Veteran

    I’ve always really loved honey, and have fancied the idea of having a hive. So, I looked online for a place that sells them, nearby, and it turns out there are a lot of beekeepers around where I live. So, I decided to drive out to one and talk to them about it. As it turns out, bees are also in pretty high demand and are more expensive than I thought. I didn’t have quite enough cash on me to cover the cost of the whole setup, and most beekeepers don’t take credit cards — who knew? Anyway, the beekeeper was really nice and told me not to worry; he ended up only charging me for most of the bees and threw in a few freebies.

    :3

    KeromeJeffreyBunksadamcrossley
  • KeromeKerome Love, love is mystery The Continent Veteran

    @lobster are you looking into keeping your bees as healthy as possible? I’ve known several bee keepers in the past, one of which ran a foundation for bee health which advocated taking a minimum of honey from the hives because honey is a better food for bees than sugar water, which is what most bee keepers use to replace the honey they take.

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