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It's a device connected to a landline phone, where one can leave a personal recorded voice message if one cannot 'personally' answer the phone........next you'll be asking what's a landline phone ???
Mr. Rabbit went to the pub on his way home from work every evening, and always ordered two cheese toasties and a pint of bitter. One night the cheese was running low, so he agreed to have a cheese toasties and a ham toastie. But a little while after finishing the toasties he fell off his bar stool unconscious, much to the concern of the pub landlord. An ambulance was called but sadly the paramedics were unable to save Mr. Rabbit. The landlord asked what had caused Mr. Rabbits death, the paramedic said "Mixing his toasties"......
....myxomatosis....
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Now if he'd been Welsh, he would have been ok....(Only the British will get that joke....)
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
My ex-H once put together a cupboard unit from Ikea. He then discovered he had one bolt, washer and nut left over. Dammit, he looked that thing over at least 10 times, trying to determine where dafuq the bloody things were meant to go.
Of course, being a guy (stereotype description coming up) he chose to not bother with the instructions, because he knew perfectly well how to put a simple cupboard together. It took him 20 minutes to put it together, and he spent a further hour-and-a-quarter, looking for where he had missed a bolt, washer and nut....
Until I picked up the instructions and read "We have included a spare nut, bolt and washer, for your convenience."
Unheard of.
Which is why I didn't break it to him for another 10 minutes.....
Never trust a dwarf that tells you your wife's hair smells lovely.
3
silverIn the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded.USA, Left coast.Veteran
edited August 2016
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."
silverIn the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded.USA, Left coast.Veteran
edited August 2016
I just read my Farmer's Almanac newsletter and it said, "Today is a good day to host a party and castrate farm animals." (I'd be a little suspicious of the hors d'oeuvres.)
4
silverIn the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded.USA, Left coast.Veteran
silverIn the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded.USA, Left coast.Veteran
Oh! That's Gallagher, a famous comedian who used to hit watermelon with a mallet and so now, he's suffering bad karma from doing that. Read more about him here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallagher_(comedian)
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
"Just say NO to drugs!"…
"Well, if I'm talking to my drugs… I probably already said yes"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months, they say his days are numbered
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the painting.
9
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
Comments
Sorcery
Mr. Rabbit went to the pub on his way home from work every evening, and always ordered two cheese toasties and a pint of bitter. One night the cheese was running low, so he agreed to have a cheese toasties and a ham toastie. But a little while after finishing the toasties he fell off his bar stool unconscious, much to the concern of the pub landlord. An ambulance was called but sadly the paramedics were unable to save Mr. Rabbit. The landlord asked what had caused Mr. Rabbits death, the paramedic said "Mixing his toasties"......
....myxomatosis....
Now if he'd been Welsh, he would have been ok....(Only the British will get that joke....)
My ex-H once put together a cupboard unit from Ikea. He then discovered he had one bolt, washer and nut left over. Dammit, he looked that thing over at least 10 times, trying to determine where dafuq the bloody things were meant to go.
Of course, being a guy (stereotype description coming up) he chose to not bother with the instructions, because he knew perfectly well how to put a simple cupboard together. It took him 20 minutes to put it together, and he spent a further hour-and-a-quarter, looking for where he had missed a bolt, washer and nut....
Until I picked up the instructions and read "We have included a spare nut, bolt and washer, for your convenience."
Unheard of.
Which is why I didn't break it to him for another 10 minutes.....
Hee hee. It's true though, men never read the instructions!
They say it's why Moses wandered the desert for 40 years trailing a hoard of Israelites behind him...
"No no! Don't need a map! Am perfectly ok! I'm sure it's this way! Come along!"
I just can't watch this without laughing...
Never trust a dwarf that tells you your wife's hair smells lovely.
A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself and says: "You come every day to the wall. What are you praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for? In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity and persistence. "You mean you have been coming to the wall to pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies. "It feels like I'm talking to a wall."
Exact Parallel Found between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump
NEITHER One is a Gentleman!
Sent these by a lexophile:
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - What a rip off!
Do not worry about old age; it does not last.
Love these!
For all the llamaists...
And don't forget the Dairy Lama!
I just read my Farmer's Almanac newsletter and it said, "Today is a good day to host a party and castrate farm animals." (I'd be a little suspicious of the hors d'oeuvres.)
Is that from the "Saint Young Men" manga?
...
I don't know - I googled Buddha jokes/images and found that.
The style looks similar. There's even a movie:
It probably is, @Shim. Definitely has the same style artwork.
Sometimes even I like really off the wall stuff.
(Even though my son loved Family Guy and I was unsure about it.)
Every damn morning!
I don't get it @silver
Oh! That's Gallagher, a famous comedian who used to hit watermelon with a mallet and so now, he's suffering bad karma from doing that. Read more about him here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gallagher_(comedian)
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark Hives.
ba-dum tch!
This is probably why @Shoshin drinks tea.
(Or Donny Osmond, or Andy Gibb, or Scott Bayo, or the Fonz....)
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
"Just say NO to drugs!"…
"Well, if I'm talking to my drugs… I probably already said yes"
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?
He got 12 months, they say his days are numbered
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the painting.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.
My new years resolution is to stop using spray deoderant.
Roll on next year
Boom boom tush..... OK I'll stop