Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
JeroenNot all those who wander are lostNetherlandsVeteran
edited September 18
Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing. However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race. To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: ”Priest’s Ass Shows.” Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: ”Priest’s Ass Out Front.” The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: ”Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass.” This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: ”Nun Has Best Ass in Town.” The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars. The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: ”Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.”
2
JeroenNot all those who wander are lostNetherlandsVeteran
Sisters Agnes, Theresa and Margaret go out for a walk from the convent. They enter the local liquor store and order a bottle of bourbon whiskey.
”Sisters,” says the owner, looking concerned, ”you should not be drinking hard liquor.”
”It is not for us,” explains Sister Agnes, ”This is for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
He sells them the whiskey and the nuns leave. Later as he closes the store and walks down the street, the owner finds the nuns sitting under a tree, gulping in turns from the bottle.
”Sisters, I’m shocked,” he says. ”You told me that booze was for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
”It is,” says Sister Theresa. ”When she hears about this she will shit herself.”
2
JeroenNot all those who wander are lostNetherlandsVeteran
Dr. Bones and Dr. Skinner are out duck hunting early one morning while it is still dark. They hear an owl in the tree above them snoring.
”I’m such a great surgeon,” brags Bones, ”that I can go up there and take out that owl’s tonsils without even waking him up.”
Ten minutes later, Bones climbs down the tree and holds up two tiny tonsils.
”That’s nothing,” says Skinner, ”I’m so nimble with my hands, I’ll climb up there and remove the owl’s testicles without him feeling a thing!”
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Dr. Skinner returns with a pair of tiny balls.
Months later, the owl flies over the same tree with a friend.
”Hey!” says the friend. ”It is bedtime, let us sleep in that tree tonight.”
”No thanks,” replies the owl, ”I slept there a few months ago and ever since I have not been able to fuck worth a hoot or hoot worth a fuck.”
Baby Trump is sleeping through classified briefings, celebrations, his own speeches, and interviews. He has, in his "brilliance" renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Amarika,
Lake Ontario, Lake Amarika, New Mexico New Amarika, Called Canada 'Nasty". Then he and his trusty oxymoron, Pew-Pew, played a rousing game of Patty Cake followed by a rendering of Captain Underpants (Brainworm Anti-Vax did the reading). After such strenuous activity, Baby Trump took a nappy.
Tee hee a more conventional funny I found on Mastodon this morning...
A shrewd antique dealer from London was driving through the Somerset countryside when he stopped for petrol.
As he walked past a run-down cottage, he noticed a stray tabby cat drinking milk from a shallow saucer on the porch.
The dealer took one look at the saucer and nearly stopped breathing. It was genuine Ming dynasty porcelain, worth at least £25,000.
Determined to make the deal of his life, he knocked on the door.
An elderly man answered.
“Good afternoon, sir. I couldn’t help noticing that lovely cat on your porch. My mother has been terribly lonely lately, and he looks just like a cat she had when she was young. Would you take £20 for him?”
The old man scratched his beard.
“Aye, lad. That sounds fair enough.”
The dealer handed him £20 and picked up the cat.
After taking a couple of steps, he turned back casually.
“Oh, by the way, would you mind throwing in that old saucer? The cat’s used to drinking from it, so it might help him settle in.”
The old man chuckled.
“Not on your life, mate. That’s my lucky saucer. I’ve sold thirty-four cats from this porch just this month alone.”
I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Eskimo earnestly, "did you tell me?" -- Annie Dillard
Their absolute lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of humanity, abundance of greed, avarice, gluttony, and vindictiveness is infuriating as it results in massive pain, loss and suffering for countless millions in the US and offshore.
What is irony?
Thus:
"I am but a pebble freshly emerged from the sea.
I bask in the sunlight as last!
Oh the JOY!
Then some fool just threw me back in...."
Ahhhh...We sit down. We type out wondrous missives, full wit and wisdom, occasionally magnificent satire. Truly, sayings for the ages.
Then we attain a level of cognizance, our morning beverage of choice having finally kicked in, take one look at our magnificent creation....
OPPS!
0
JeroenNot all those who wander are lostNetherlandsVeteran
It is the mailman’s last day on the job, and he is feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand he is glad to be retiring, but on the other hand he will miss seeing the beautiful young married woman he has fancied for the last few years.
He is shocked and delighted when she opens her door for this last time, wearing a see-through gown, and invites him in. She drags him up to the bedroom and makes passionate love to him.
Afterwards she cooks him a delicious breakfast. When he is about to leave, the young woman goes to her purse, takes out a dollar bill and gives it to him. “I don’t understand,” says the satisfied mailman. “You are going to pay me as well?”
“It was my husband’s idea,” the woman explains, “when I told him you were retiring and suggested we give you something, he said, “Screw him, give him a dollar.””
There was a Priest, A Philosopher, and a Monk
It was a bright, sunny day
They came upon a tree
The priest immediately wacked the tree with his staff and comanded the tree to provide him with shade.
The tree did nothing
The Philosopher elucidated about the relationship of the tree and it's shadow
The tree did nothing
The monk sat beneath the tree
The tree lent it's shadow to the monk
(The priest and Philosopher went to a nearby tavern, arguing about the tree
And got drunk)
If you want a moral, talk to Aesop.
When I was young my father said to me: "Knowledge is power, Francis Bacon." I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is bacon."
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two. If I said the quote to someone, "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon," they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say, "Knowledge is power" and I'd finish the quote "France is Bacon" and they wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd, but thoughtfully agree. I did ask a teacher what did "Knowledge is power, France is bacon" mean and got a full 10-min-ute explanation of the "knowledge is power" bit but nothing on "France is bacon". When I prompted further ex-planation by saying "France is bacon?" in a questioning tone I just got a "yes". At 12 I didn't have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I'd never understand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.
4
JeroenNot all those who wander are lostNetherlandsVeteran
Hamish MacTavish and his wife Maggie have never been flying, so at the local Air Show they decide to take a ride in a small open aircraft.
They are just climbing into the back of the plane when the pilot asks for the fare, which is twenty pounds.
“Twenty pounds?” screams MacTavish, “That is ridiculous, it is far too much!”
“Okay,” says the pilot, “I will make a deal with you. If you can complete this ride without opening your mouth I won’t charge you a penny. But if you make a sound you pay me double!”
Hamish agrees, and they take off. As soon as they are in the air, the pilot starts to loop the plane, flies upside down, sideways, and gives a whole display of aerobatics.
When they land again, the pilot says over his shoulder, “Well sir, you win. I never thought you would be able to go through all that without opening your mouth!”
“It was not easy,” admits MacTavish, “especially when my wife fell out!”
Comments
Do you know what borders on insanity ?
Canada and Mexico
Father Murphy wants to raise money for his church and he has heard that there is a fortune to be made in horse racing. However, he does not have enough money to buy a horse, so he decides to buy a donkey instead and enters him in a race. To his surprise the donkey comes third. The headline on the sports page reads: ”Priest’s Ass Shows.” Father Murphy enters it in another race and this time it wins. The headline reads: ”Priest’s Ass Out Front.” The bishop is so upset by this kind of publicity that he orders Father Murphy not to race his donkey again. The headline reads: ”Bishop Scratches Priest’s Ass.” This is too much for the bishop. So he orders Father Murphy to get rid of the donkey. He gives it to Sister Theresa. And the headline reads: ”Nun Has Best Ass in Town.” The bishop faints. He then informs Sister Theresa that she must dispose of the donkey. She sells it to Paddy for ten dollars. The next day the bishop is found dead on the dining room table with a newspaper clutched in his hand. The headline reads: ”Nun Sells Her Ass for Ten Bucks.”
Sisters Agnes, Theresa and Margaret go out for a walk from the convent. They enter the local liquor store and order a bottle of bourbon whiskey.
”Sisters,” says the owner, looking concerned, ”you should not be drinking hard liquor.”
”It is not for us,” explains Sister Agnes, ”This is for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
He sells them the whiskey and the nuns leave. Later as he closes the store and walks down the street, the owner finds the nuns sitting under a tree, gulping in turns from the bottle.
”Sisters, I’m shocked,” he says. ”You told me that booze was for Mother Superior’s constipation.”
”It is,” says Sister Theresa. ”When she hears about this she will shit herself.”
Dr. Bones and Dr. Skinner are out duck hunting early one morning while it is still dark. They hear an owl in the tree above them snoring.
”I’m such a great surgeon,” brags Bones, ”that I can go up there and take out that owl’s tonsils without even waking him up.”
Ten minutes later, Bones climbs down the tree and holds up two tiny tonsils.
”That’s nothing,” says Skinner, ”I’m so nimble with my hands, I’ll climb up there and remove the owl’s testicles without him feeling a thing!”
Sure enough, a few minutes later, Dr. Skinner returns with a pair of tiny balls.
Months later, the owl flies over the same tree with a friend.
”Hey!” says the friend. ”It is bedtime, let us sleep in that tree tonight.”
”No thanks,” replies the owl, ”I slept there a few months ago and ever since I have not been able to fuck worth a hoot or hoot worth a fuck.”
Baby Trump is sleeping through classified briefings, celebrations, his own speeches, and interviews. He has, in his "brilliance" renamed the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Amarika,
Lake Ontario, Lake Amarika, New Mexico New Amarika, Called Canada 'Nasty". Then he and his trusty oxymoron, Pew-Pew, played a rousing game of Patty Cake followed by a rendering of Captain Underpants (Brainworm Anti-Vax did the reading). After such strenuous activity, Baby Trump took a nappy.
In American national (and certain state) politics, we so often find the most ignorant person in the room is the one at the podium.
Tee hee a more conventional funny I found on Mastodon this morning...
A shrewd antique dealer from London was driving through the Somerset countryside when he stopped for petrol.
As he walked past a run-down cottage, he noticed a stray tabby cat drinking milk from a shallow saucer on the porch.
The dealer took one look at the saucer and nearly stopped breathing. It was genuine Ming dynasty porcelain, worth at least £25,000.
Determined to make the deal of his life, he knocked on the door.
An elderly man answered.
“Good afternoon, sir. I couldn’t help noticing that lovely cat on your porch. My mother has been terribly lonely lately, and he looks just like a cat she had when she was young. Would you take £20 for him?”
The old man scratched his beard.
“Aye, lad. That sounds fair enough.”
The dealer handed him £20 and picked up the cat.
After taking a couple of steps, he turned back casually.
“Oh, by the way, would you mind throwing in that old saucer? The cat’s used to drinking from it, so it might help him settle in.”
The old man chuckled.
“Not on your life, mate. That’s my lucky saucer. I’ve sold thirty-four cats from this porch just this month alone.”
I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest, "If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? "No," said the priest, "not if you did not know." "Then why," asked the Eskimo earnestly, "did you tell me?"
-- Annie Dillard
IMAGINE BEING SO FULL OF SHIT THAT YOU NEEDED TWO EXTRA ARSEHOLES
Their absolute lack of empathy, lack of compassion, lack of humanity, abundance of greed, avarice, gluttony, and vindictiveness is infuriating as it results in massive pain, loss and suffering for countless millions in the US and offshore.
What is irony?
Thus:
"I am but a pebble freshly emerged from the sea.
I bask in the sunlight as last!
Oh the JOY!
Then some fool just threw me back in...."
Here are a few jokes, many Puppy orientated from Puppy Linux forum...
https://forum.puppylinux.com/viewtopic.php?t=256
Ahhhh...We sit down. We type out wondrous missives, full wit and wisdom, occasionally magnificent satire. Truly, sayings for the ages.
Then we attain a level of cognizance, our morning beverage of choice having finally kicked in, take one look at our magnificent creation....
OPPS!
It is the mailman’s last day on the job, and he is feeling mixed emotions. On the one hand he is glad to be retiring, but on the other hand he will miss seeing the beautiful young married woman he has fancied for the last few years.
He is shocked and delighted when she opens her door for this last time, wearing a see-through gown, and invites him in. She drags him up to the bedroom and makes passionate love to him.
Afterwards she cooks him a delicious breakfast. When he is about to leave, the young woman goes to her purse, takes out a dollar bill and gives it to him. “I don’t understand,” says the satisfied mailman. “You are going to pay me as well?”
“It was my husband’s idea,” the woman explains, “when I told him you were retiring and suggested we give you something, he said, “Screw him, give him a dollar.””
”The breakfast,” she adds proudly, “was my idea.”
There was a Priest, A Philosopher, and a Monk
It was a bright, sunny day
They came upon a tree
The priest immediately wacked the tree with his staff and comanded the tree to provide him with shade.
The tree did nothing
The Philosopher elucidated about the relationship of the tree and it's shadow
The tree did nothing
The monk sat beneath the tree
The tree lent it's shadow to the monk
(The priest and Philosopher went to a nearby tavern, arguing about the tree
And got drunk)
If you want a moral, talk to Aesop.
Found this on Mastodon. Thought it humorous...
France is bacon
When I was young my father said to me: "Knowledge is power, Francis Bacon." I understood it as "Knowledge is power, France is bacon."
For more than a decade I wondered over the meaning of the second part and what was the surreal linkage between the two. If I said the quote to someone, "Knowledge is power, France is Bacon," they nodded knowingly. Or someone might say, "Knowledge is power" and I'd finish the quote "France is Bacon" and they wouldn't look at me like I'd said something very odd, but thoughtfully agree. I did ask a teacher what did "Knowledge is power, France is bacon" mean and got a full 10-min-ute explanation of the "knowledge is power" bit but nothing on "France is bacon". When I prompted further ex-planation by saying "France is bacon?" in a questioning tone I just got a "yes". At 12 I didn't have the confidence to press it further. I just accepted it as something I'd never understand.
It wasn't until years later I saw it written down that the penny dropped.
Hamish MacTavish and his wife Maggie have never been flying, so at the local Air Show they decide to take a ride in a small open aircraft.
They are just climbing into the back of the plane when the pilot asks for the fare, which is twenty pounds.
“Twenty pounds?” screams MacTavish, “That is ridiculous, it is far too much!”
“Okay,” says the pilot, “I will make a deal with you. If you can complete this ride without opening your mouth I won’t charge you a penny. But if you make a sound you pay me double!”
Hamish agrees, and they take off. As soon as they are in the air, the pilot starts to loop the plane, flies upside down, sideways, and gives a whole display of aerobatics.
When they land again, the pilot says over his shoulder, “Well sir, you win. I never thought you would be able to go through all that without opening your mouth!”
“It was not easy,” admits MacTavish, “especially when my wife fell out!”