Getting better "blog"
marcitko
Veteran
Hi everyone,
I find myself in somewhat of a pickle and thought that what might help would be to journal here about the actions I am taking to improve my state of mind and general well-being. This might improve accountability, increase resolve, and with your support/cheering might bring about a quicker recovery/improvement. It might also inspire someone else facing troubles to take action.
The pickle is quite strong anxiety and, sometimes, medium-strong depression. I think it was triggered by a mild physical illness (still slightly ongoing) and the new job I have been working at for the past month that I find takes up more energy than I have in reserve.
Anxiety and depression have been something I have been battling/enduring for many years. (I take medication) I know that some things help, and other things un-help 
I feel it "energetically"/in my bones, yet often find myself incapable/unwilling of doing the right thing. So let me do the things that help, and avoid doing the things that un-help I have "elevated"/healed myself in this way before, so I know it works. @lobster Iz plan!
The good that I am doing and wish to continue: I drink a large fruit smoothie most mornings and (mostly) do not drink alcohol. I wish to drink the smoothie every morning and not drink alcohol at all.
The good that I have done before and wish to restart: running (or any other sport/physical activity), cold-showers, a regular loving-kindness meditation, avoiding reading the news, and keeping my flat tidy by tidying it up every evening (that way it wakes only a few minutes).
The bad that I am doing and feel capable of stopping immediately: watching porn and drinking coffee in the afternoon (I react very negatively to coffee in the afternoon).
The bad that I am doing but do not feel capable of stopping at the moment: smoking and playing poker (it's a supplement to my job income necessary to cover living expenses at the moment).
Today I have:
- Watched a Ukraine-related dharma talk from Plum Village. I found it soothing, inspiring and illuminating as to how I want to approach the negative events currently going on.
- Have not read the news
- Drank the smoothie
- taken a cold shower
Today I will:
- Take at least a brisk walk
- Do at least a 10 minute loving-kindness meditation
- Read the news for a maximum of 15 minutes and only after lunch (I figure that's the time when I'll be most relaxed)
- Not watch porn or drink coffee in the afternoon.
I dedicate my efforts to all beings (of which I am one), since I know that improving my situation and state of mind automatically benefits everyone as well.
Comments
It seems to me that you are actually trying to overcome two things: anxiety/depression and bad habits. For the first, I think progress can be made through self-observation and inquiry into the roots of these things. I could talk more about this but don’t want to bring unwanted advice. For the second, I found it very liberating to spend time thinking about what is beneficial and wholesome for me, and just to let go of those things which are not.
I started limiting my news intake some years ago, because it started to become clear that even the best news services are slanted a certain way. Also, I realised that the vast majority of news had almost no impact on my life, except to fill my head with mostly negative and worrying events.
But I think the “blog” is a very good idea. Kudos for taking the step!
Hello! @marcitko
from here we support you from a distance but constantly.
There will be ups and downs, but we trust that your true nature can restore the natural balance of life.
Yes, definitely. In my experience, negative states of mind and bad habits are interrelated, so by improving one I improve the other. So far, I've had the biggest success from the habit side of things.
Thank you!
Thank you, very well said. The natural balance of life, yes, let's go!
@marcitko
I am glad you have healed yourself before. That should motivate you.
Bravo! We will cheer, support and praise your efforts. We all make efforts. Every success inspires us.
You have been very honest. Keep in touch. I will send some positive vibes your way.
Good luck to you OP.
Be gentle with yourself. There will be hiccups but tomorrow is always another day to get up,and try again.
We are here to help.
One step at a time @marcitko ...
This short Dharma talk about 10% Advantage might also be of help...
Recovery day 2
@lobster @Bunks @Shoshin1 Thank you all for your kind words and support! They mean a lot
Today was a good day.
In the morning before work I:
At work I was productive and relaxed. I thought about all of the resistance I have towards working and how I can make efforts to accept it and, maybe, even grow to like and enjoy it.
I had lunch with my co-workers for the first time. I avoided it previously because a) I had to negotiate for them to make something vegetarian and did not want to be a burden and b) I was afraid of my social anxiety firing. But it was ok. And they said that if I give them a heads up they can make something vegetarian most days.
After work I lit a candle in front of the Ukrainian embassy as I do most days and borrowed two wholesome books from the library, one on running, and another by Matthieu Ricard, my favourite guy.
I did not:
For tomorrow, I have asked my father to ring me at 06:45 in order to be able to fit in a run before work. I hope it works out, I have been a notoriously late riser, but running is the best remedy for my negative states of mind, so I am motivated, and best to do it in the morning to get those feel-good chemicals moving.
I also wish to repeat all of the positive stuff I did today. Wish me luck!
PS. I don't know how often I will post. I will not say how often so that it does not become a chore. But I think the more often the better.
Nice work @marcitko - keep it up!!
I have been taking decaffeinated coffee for quite some time now. And it has made a heck of a difference to both my temperament, and my sleep pattern.
I think I spend too much time on the internet, and could fashion my spare time much better; I refuse to call any habit 'bad' or overlay it with a negative label. That merely serves as self-chastisement or mental 'punishment'. I am not one to have a habit that needs amendment, and then burden myself further by giving it a label that weighs on me further. One thing is bad enough; why embellish it with just more 'badness'...?
We are our own worst enemies. We berate ourselves, and tell ourselves off.
We try to dismiss our foolish thoughts by admonishing our thought patterns..
"Oh come on, don't be silly! Don't think that way, you're putting yourself down, cheer up! Look on the bright side, and get your back into it! Effort, effort, effort!"
That's right, isn't it?
No.
It is not.
Because self-encouragement couched in those terms - is still berating yourself and chastising yourself.
The way to encourage positive thinking, is through positive mental attitude.
"Let's replace that line of thinking with a thought that lets you shine! You have done so well today! You have achieved so much! You have 100% survived every moment of stress and struggle so far! That takes real power and determination! You got this, well done, that's brilliant!"
... Is a much better approach...
Well done @marcitko !
Certainly that has been my experience. Silence, meditation, and dharma talks by youtube video did me a lot of good, and made it easier for me to let go of bad habits that were not beneficial to my being. I can recommend day-long mini-retreats on sundays
It’s a good way to get started. I wish you all the best of luck.
That is definitely me. I also did 100% on my outstanding humility, which I tend not to mention … at every opportunity.
Stress, struggle, dukkha. We all know it … however, like @federica I have moved to decaff tea and coffee. As well as berating my narcissistic ego, I work best on morning exercise. I also meditate in the mourning of my ego.
Yes I need the encouragement, inspiration and dedication of merit … even if no one else does. 🙏🏽💗🙏🏽
You may find this useful.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-03-06/porn-sexual-education-coronavirus-pandemic/100839700
Reframing is changing ones use of language. @federica mentions it
http://changingminds.org/techniques/general/reframing.htm
meanwhile … we can inspire by sharing our efforts. So it become a joint blog … and better for it.
Here are my efforts:
I like it @lobster
I've started running again. Getting out 3 times a week and running for the same amount of time each time.
Increasing by 3 minutes each week and I am now up to 20 minutes.
Have some leg exercises to do on off days provided by a very helpful physio.
So far so good, learning ton run with a few niggles but push through.
Running at 50 is very different to running at 26 (when I first took it up!)
Just read the link you posted for @marcitko @Bunks, not to belittle addiction in any way (I know addiction is a serious subject), but I had to laugh when I read this paragraph...( "mask debate" came to mind )
I'm not sure if it was deliberate ( a pun) on part of the author or he had overlooked how it could be construed, either way it did make me laugh...
Haha I noticed it too @Shoshin1 and wondered the same.....great minds huh?
Excellent idea! Let everyone feel free to use this thread to write about their efforts and practices aimed at more well-being and less suffering.
I will post an update after work today.
Thank you for letting us hijack your thread! 😊
Went for 2 hour walk. Back by 7.15am. Very few people about. That was after my meditation. Yes it was half in the dark. Concentrated on my out breath through the mouth. Relaxing.
Recovery day 4
I did not post yesterday since I was very tired. It was a demanding day. But I did:
At work, I got hit by a foul state of mind but somehow successfuly battled through it. I was very happy, since previously I would find a way to flee.
Today was more of a lazy day in terms of efforts. I did not run because I wanted to be rested in order not to trigger the foul state of mind.
I'm tired. Rambling a bit. Hopefully I'll have a more inspired post soon. Thanks for reading.
Keep going @marcitko
Yeah stick with it @marcitko
Cold showers help lift the mood and are an amazing support for depression. Keep at it. I have never felt so alive, as I do, when I cold-shower.
Today went shopping, in shops. Nobody much wearing or expecting masks. It was an adventure.
Also went for fast aerobic walk during daylight. Busy too.
Chanting for you guys.
https://cundi.weebly.com/yidam.html
The trick is dealing with the depressive state of not wanting the cold shower.
Today I prepped and made a healthy lunch instead of the cup-of-noodle.
I want to say I will do my laundry but it has not happened yet and I am fearful it will not once I put the pressure of commitment on myself this comment could create.
https://www.rivercottage.net/recipes/diy-pot-noodles
I sometimes make similar for my breakfast … after making muesli for everyone.
I use a Swiss vegetable soup bouillon, soba, garlic and spring onions + leftovers
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soba
Today is your unbirthday. Just so you know …
I have a tiny garden. Periwinkle and Daffodil. Joy.
Find the joyous. She is everywhere.
My grand-recovery-plan is... not going to plan... 😃 but I have
I took steps toward attending a zoom course from The Buddhist Society on fundamentals of Zen Buddhism today. I really enjoy what I have experienced so far of the classes. These lecture + Q&A based approaches add an additional facet to other approaches of learning.
I've also started building a relationship with my breath beyond simple observation, seeing it more as a welcome friend who's company I enjoy immensely. I have observed within myself I spend more moments fully immersed in the present and for longer with this type of emotional connection to the breath. It is also fun and feels wholesome.
Through uncovering, I am finding my heavy solitude and intrapersonal focus through life has made my understanding of skillful relationships poor and should be one of the next focuses of my practice.
I get knocked down but I get up again ❤️
Marcitko! Keep it up!
Lots of metta from Lanzarote!
Ah ha … Deltacron is not the same as Omicron variant BA.2
We live, learn and try to do better. Failure is an option!
I thought I would resurrect this thread and give it a shot. Maybe I'll never post again in this thread, maybe I'll keep posting for 10 years, who knows
Let's see what happens.
I will aim to write about the activities that I am doing aiming to better my situation, health and mind/emotions, as well as my struggles. Maybe it will make me more accountable and maybe it will be of some inspiration to others stuck in similar ruts. I will write about both nominally spiritual activities but also everything else, since I've done quite some spiritual bypassing in the past and don't wish to repeat that ever again. I also won't aim to impress anyone but will rather try for this to be a down-to-earth account.
I've had a super stressful few days so today I am taking a mental health and sports day to reset and regenerate.
I have already done some Wim Hoff breathing exercises and meditated for 5 minutes.
The plan for today going forward is to:
Go hiking.
Not drink coffee in the afternoon (even though I feel drawn to do so, since it picks-me-up for 5 minutes, it makes me anxious immediately after)
Not take any more of the anti-anxiety medication (I am tapering off it and already took the dose for today).
Buy a ticket for the spiritual Zoom event that will take place on Saturday (I've had trouble with payment recently so need to figure out a way how to do it).
Take a cold shower or bath once I return from hiking.
Aim to be calm, relaxed, positive and introspective and not allow the various undone duties to interfere with today's effort to relax and regenerate.
These are my most important activities and anything else I manage to do I'll take as a bonus.
Down-to-earth inspiration, yes please.
First step's the hardest and you've already started.
Thank's for the encouragement @FleaMarket, means a lot.
I was successful yesterday in everything that I planned, except for that I drank 1/3 of a coffee and threw the rest away and that I did not buy the ticket for the spiritual Zoom. Hiking, I nearly turned around at half-way since I was not feeling very strong or inspired, but am proud and happy that I continued on as planned. I forgot that I had group-therapy in the evening, so that took more time than expected.
I think the coffee drinking in the afternoons is an excellent thing to observe and analyze since it's a relatively small thing without much emotional baggage but still an excellent example of harmful behaviour that I can't seem to stop. The morning coffee does not seem to influence me negatively (even though I suspect that it still does, since it would be weird that one does and one does not). However, the afternoon coffee which I drink on maybe 1/3 of days makes me anxious, even though it picks-me-up and makes me enjoy for maybe 5-10 minutes.
Why do I do it? For now, I think of it in terms of immediate relief and long-term benefit/harm, where the coffee is an example of something that helps in the super-short-term (minutes) but is negative in the medium and long term (hours, days...). I think that many harmful behaviours work that way. I think that wisdom is to know what activities are beneficial in the long term and having the strength to do those and avoid the ones that are beneficial only in the super-short-term and detrimental on longer time-frames.
Today I woke up feeling anxious, an average level of it, where anxiety is my main problem and pest for the past 10 or so years. If anyone has links to Buddhist meditation techniques or teachings that work against anxiety/fear, I'd be interested.
The plan for today is to:
I've been doing daily plans for several years now. A problem is that I mostly manage to do only about 60-70% of the plan. I don't know if that means that I am lazy, lack focus, etc., or that I am too optimistic in making the plans. Today I will aim to do 100% since the plan sounds challenging but doable.
I will aim to confront directly the most important tasks of the day, not avoid or put off the more difficult ones, and aim not to be perfectionist. Avoiding/putting-off and perfectionism are two of my most frequent "stupidities" in the realm of work.
On anxiety and meditation I did a quick search, there seem to be a few things but not very much. Perhaps you’ll find this journal entry useful:
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/03/7-buddhist-thoughts-to-help-reduce-our-anxiety-elyane-youssef/
I think its very good that you’re doing the journal and writing about your experiences. It will help you to adjust your plans to become realistic, and will also help you realise which of your goals you are achieving. Keep it up, you’re doing great!
Thank you @Jeroen, that is very encouraging. I've read and bookmarked the article, which I liked a lot. If I could find a way to lessen the anxiety - I'd be a happy camper and much more productive!
The first Mooji video of @Jeroen's post might help with the anxiety. It instructs a sort of "one task at a time" behavior. When focused like that, on just whatever one task you're doing, the mind isn't thinking about anxiety inducing things. I found even the first three minutes alone to be a good calming practice and reminder how much the mind is all over the place. I might experiment with watching it before doing a task to see if it helps keep me focused.
There was also a post on Bare Awareness a while ago by one of the other forum members. It came in useful for anxiety reduction too.
https://www.buddhistdoor.net/features/bare-awareness-or-bare-attention/
@marcitko
This is probably not new info for you but hopefully is as interesting for you as it is for me. How to allow what we might think is a deficit to become training's asset?
I have practiced in the company of a number of folks in the sangha, whose own training with anxiety/depression was spoken of as the major motivation for why they ordained in the first place.
It would appear that their relative successes at addressing anxiety/depression all tended to share some common ground.
They learned within their experience of anxiety/depression, to shift their practice accordingly from its current expression of a mentally dominated imbalance to one that's more physically orientated. This offers to bring some balance to an imbalance.
Most commonly, they used the very force they used to think of as their affliction, as a governor to determine the degree to which they focused upon the physical following of their breath. When and to the degree that the anxiety/depression eventually lessened, was the degree to which they would return to their regular meditation practice. This correlating cycling between concentration and meditation not only strengthened their overall practice but it allowed them to see that what they formally thought was an affliction, was actually their teacher.
Here, where one might of formally been subject to a myopic focus upon the self, a more balanced and spacious expression of selflessness becomes possible.
While the difficulties behind these discoveries never seemed to completely disappear, and they needed to remain ever wary of their potential susceptibility to them, the habits that once beckoned out to those difficulties became the new habits of acceptance and even gratitude for the teachings they offered.
Thank you very much @how. I have not done breath counting or following for years, but tried it yesterday, and it definitely had a calming effect, including of the body, which is what I require. For years now I've found it difficult to meditate but found great benefit in sports - for the same reason you state - that it ground me back to the body and taught me a lot. This is why I am prioritising sports and physical health at the moment. I will aim to experiment more with breath counting/following.
Yesterday I did everything that I said I would do, except that for one of the 45 minute sessions I avoided a difficult task and did an easier one, and that the sports ended up to be (only) 10 minutes of vigorous stretching/dancing at home. So, realistically, I'd say I did 80% or 90%. Still a good score.
I noticed a lessening of anxiety as a consequence of doing the things that needed to get done. Going forward, I would like to do what I call "ping-pong" - doing immediately what needs to be done, "returning the ball", and not avoiding or postponing.
I experimented with drinking black tea in the afternoon (Earl Gray for all of you British folk
. It seems to be a much better choice for me than coffee.
I lost a bit of weight as a result of the hiking - hooray!
I keep noticing a strange phenomenon where weight-loss as a result of sports seems to occur mostly 2 days after the sport, not immediately on the next day.
The plan for today is to:
The anti-anxiety medication that I take (and am attempting to eliminate) is a very low dose even at 1x. So the 1/4x that I am taking now is mostly a placebo dose. A few weeks ago I tapered down to 0x and that's when I had quite some disturbances. Considering the very low dose, it must be nearly completely a psychological "crutch" where the mind then gets scared of not having that "crutch" any more so puts on a "show". I noticed that same phenomenon when tapering off cigarretes (the next big thing I need to tackle), I could get down to 5 a day no problem, but when trying to get to zero experienced disturbances.
I think you are totally doing the right thing by being mindful of what is beneficial to you. Meditation is not right for everyone, doing it in small quantities may be exactly what you need.
I've heard anti-anxiety are difficult to taper off because anxiety is a by nature a uncomfortable experience. Seems reasonable to try to reduce as much as possible and see what happens. I take Prozac and my doctor (* I'm his patient for six months now) asked about how my mood is and I said it's usually only a problem when I have psychosis, but that I thought it (medicine) helped me to take the edge (not worry or feel stress etc) off of things like the occurrence of the pandemic. He recommended to taper my dose to one half. I've been at one half around 4 weeks and that's the span of time where all of the effect should be felt now. SSRI is a different time frame to notice the effects than anti anxiety. Anyhow I'm feeling some good effects that are hard to explain and also some other effects: harder to wake up in morning and some more irritability. I won't see my doctor for another month and I'm not sure if I'll want to keep tapering that medicine? Maybe I will just to test out what will happen to my mental experience. Anyhow hope the best for your practices which sound like good ideas and virtuous reactions to your experience.
Friday was a good day in that I did everything that I said I would, except that for the work sessions I chose all of the easy tasks and avoided the hard ones, and that I drank a coffee in a bar after the gym. Except for "pick-me-up" situations, I notice that I indulge in harmful behavior also sometimes as a "reward" (such as a reward for going to the gym).
Saturday (yesterday, when I did not post) was a shit day because I slept very poorly due to having to get up very early for an appointment - and then that appointment got cancelled. I find I am very sensitive and easily derailed by things such as poor sleep, coffee, alchohol (which I do not drink), etc. The day was not very productive but I did do my morning routine, did some learning, and participated in the spiritual Zoom.
I have been doing concentration meditation on the breath twice a day for 10 minutes and am finding great benefit - it calms me, I experience moments of peace - hooray!
I also notice all of the random rambling thoughts that induce anxiety, good insight, but just return to the breath without suppressing. For that reason I am increasing the time to 15 minutes.
Plan for today:
Yesterday while meditating I realized that I must make sure to make good decisions in both small and big decisions since the small ones are a) frequent and b) shape the way in which I make the big decisions. Many small good decisions result in very big good outcomes, kind of like with compound interest with investing. Too frequently I give myself a pass and take a "I'll do better tomorrow" attitude, especially with small decisions which are "not that important". No, I need to do better (the best I can) today.
Nice efforts @marcitko, you're sounding very self-aware. Knowing what you're doing in large and small certainly provides some valuable moments where a decision is found when previously there may have been an unaware impulse to follow by default. The spiritual bank account grows.
I am frustrated by my slow progress so need to remind myself of some of the positive developments:
@FleaMarket said: "valuable moments where a decision is found when previously there may have been an unaware impulse to follow by default". Today I woke up and found such a moment: instead of going straight to smoke and drink coffee (which I usually do by default), a decision-point appeared in which I could go instead straight to the cold shower. It was a battle, but this time I won. Great success! I'd like to nail my morning routine going forward - "win the morning, win the day".
Yesterday I managed to do around 50% of what I said I'd do. I did my morning routine, cleaned the kitchen (not the bathroom), went for a run, did the two Zooms. Not the rest. But I did not drink any coffee in the afternoon. I wasted a lot of time feeling lousy and sorry for myself.
Today I woke up rather late so will try to set realistic goals:
Yesterday was a decent day. I did everything I said I would, except that I worked for only two sessions and that I (pattern) avoided doing the most important/anxiety inducing task. So today's most important goal is to push through that resistance and start completing that task.
I have sleep issues in the sense that it (most recently) takes A LOT of time (3-4 hours) to fall asleep and then I sleep for a long time. In the meantime, I read books (less) and watch youtube (more). Then in the morning with my morning routine and lots of smoking I lose another 1-2 hours. So I'm "active" for only about 9-10 hours. It's quite impossible to get much done living like that.
So, yesterday I experimented with a new sleep regimen which worked nicely. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will continue working. What I did is to a) stay up (not in bed) until 10pm b) close all electronics at 10pm and read c) go to bed without books or electronics at 11pm and just think and meditate until I fall asleep. I fell asleep nicely (certainly within 1 hour, maybe even within 30 minutes) and woke up at 8.30am which for me is quite early. So, great success! If this system proves to work, I might move the whole thing to earlier. The idea is to associate the bed only with sleeping, which should lower the time required to fall asleep. My dream would be to join the "5am club" but for now the most important thing would be to lower the time required to fall asleep and in that way free up a lot of time for productive tasks.
This morning I also immediately showered, prepared my coffee and smoothie, and meditated - without smoking. Another small victory. I'd like for my morning routine to be smoke-free.
Today's plan:
"Well-being is realized in small steps but is no small thing" (stoic philosopher Zeno)
A new sleep regime often takes a while to settle down, but it sounds like you are doing good things. I hope it works out well in the end.