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Winter joke thread
Vastmind
Memphis, TN Veteran
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It's just about summertime here
I've lived in New Zealand. Trust me, that's a joke!
When we start to see the sun through a break in the clouds it's summertime
True @Bunks,
The northern part of the North Island does have a temperate climate-similar to that of the Mediterranean, one could say it's the middle way
Back to the jokes
Religious Shit!
Taoism Shit happens.
Buddhism If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Catholicism Shit happens because you're bad.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism Send more shit.
Atheism No shit.
Jehovah's Witness Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Stoicism This shit doesn't bother me.
Not winter, but I'm not sure the above is. The following made me laugh. No offence meant to anyone!
Bill Clinton at a posh dinner, seated next to a very dignified elderly lady. Says to her "would you like a quickie?".
Lady utterly horrified. "I've never been so offended in my life". Rises and departs in high dudgeon.
Aide leans over Clinton's shoulder. "Mr President, sir ... I think it's pronounced 'quiche'".
@SarahT. Thanks for the joke. It gave me quite a chuckle.
Ditto @SarahT
Well this isn't a joke; it's just another one of those derned things that children say. My sister, a 6th grade teacher in a Catholic school in the midwest related this to me some years ago. It's something she witnessed.
In this particular town at this particular time the Catholic schools were trying to clean up some idioms used by the kids. One very egregious word they wanted to stamp out was the word, "sucks," used by lots of the kids in their conversations. Well, one day one of the schoolgirls reported to a teacher that "Johnnie" was using a bad word. When asked what it was, the girl shyly said that she couldn't use it. However, she unhesitatingly volunteered that "It rhymes with F_ _ _s."
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Da cow go.
Da cow go who?
No it doesn't. Da cow goes MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Knock knock
Who's there?
Statue
Statue who?
Statue bro?
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snowbody!
My niece very much likes seltzer water, or as she calls it, "sparkly water." But she pronounces it "farkeny water." Her first grade teacher asked her what she would like to drink. She said that she wanted some farkeny water. Her teacher was taken aback, and asked her to repeat what she had just said.
Indignantly, my niece kept insisting, "I saaaaaid, I want some farkeny water!"
She was sent to the principal's office.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable
to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me,
"You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her
that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the
Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three
wise man came from afar.'"
It took me a moment, @Vastmind.
I think you need an American accent to appreciate its profound subtlety
That, or a redneck mentality...
Southern North American accent, not South American accent.
and a canoe passes
"give me your hand!"
no no my friend, my lord will save me
"suit yourself"
...still drowning
another boat with oarsmen rows by
"man overboard! grab this life preserver!"
no no friends, my lord will save me
...still drowning
a third boat comes by, several ropes thrown toward the man
"grab hold!"
no, friends! my lord will save me!
later, at the heavenly gates:
"lord why didn't you save me!"
I sent you three rescue boats! what more did you want?!
.....an oldie but a goodie, @sova.
"trash compactor: a device that turns fifty pounds of garbage into fifty pounds of garbage."
"If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs?"
Thongs=Flip flops=Jandals
Because they don't wear them on their feet!
-- http://stonestreetpress.com/1155/a-joke-for-those-who-need-jokes-there-was-this-very-pious-jew-who-wanted-to-win-the-lottery/ (told to me by a rabbi friend)
Had one of these moments on Monday with a -35F windchill (which is typical for us, but it's a bit early in the winter for it). My 6 year old looked at me while he waited outside for his school bus and said "Mom, I just cannot deal with this." Indeed. Only 6 more months until summer.
Why did the orange take a prune to the Christmas party?
I don't know, why did the orange take a prune to the Christmas party?
...
Because it couldn't find a date.
Groan (I love my Mum
)
^^^ Really needs something more than a lol! (as she rolls on floor laughing ...
)
I stole that from some guy on another forum -- and he said he stole it from George Carlin!
Dean Martin never made it so good!
Enjoy, Happy Christmas!!
Prince Philip - "When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife."
A Gentleman who divorces his wife to marry his mistress creates a vacancy.....
@Jeffrey has created a thread on the meaning of Will.
I think nasty will can be interpreted as malice, resentment and hostility. I think he seeks the meaning of beneficial will, the type one uses to do kind things. I think it's what they call 'Good Will Hunting'....
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it.
At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it
There are three morals to this story:
Not everyone who gets you into s#!t is your enemy
Not everyone who gets you out of s#!t is your friend
If you are in s#!t, keep your mouth shut
I found the image on Twitter.
Here's another:
I told my Russian in laws that Santa doesn't get pulled along by reindeer in Australia, but by kangaroos. Santa also takes his coat off, and we leave him beer instead of milk on Christmas Eve.
Cracks them up. My wife still finds it hilarious. It's her first Christmas in Australia this year.
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was .....
CELEBRATE!"
As a celebate I still found the joke hilarious. Please keep up with those jokes. Laughter lightens the hearts of many.
@Rhodian, this one is for you!
It's Christmas Morning.
The husband has received 2 beautiful silk ties from his wife.
Knowing she often finds great delight in picking holes in what he says or does, he decides, just for once, he will compliment her good tastes, and dress smart for Christmas lunch, wearing his best "bib and tucker". He gets his suit out of the wardrobe, finds a clean, pressed shirt, and proudly puts on one of the ties.
He walks down the stairs, joins his wife in the kitchen, and happily asks his wife,
"What do you think my dear? I dressed up to wear one of the ties you gave me!"
The wife takes one look at him, and sniffs, snootily.
"...And what's wrong with the other one...?"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
Not quite a wintery joke, but a good old nerd joke George Takei reminded us of:
"There are only 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary, and those who don't."
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones!
** Boom Tish **
Wow. Where is it you live, @Karasti?
-35F windchill is no laughing matter!
No, your gums will freeze!!