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-35F windchills are typical for us, we actually get actual (non-windchill) temps down into the -40s and sometimes even the -50s. Though that is pretty rare. @Tosh I live in northeast Minnesota, about 10 miles from the Canadian border. Last winter we spent more days below zero than above, including several weeks in a row where we never got above zero during the day at all. It was a miserable winter! This December has been mostly mild, we have had rain 2 weekends in a row and are on the verge of an almost not-white Christmas which is unheard of.
Yikes! That's alot of snow! I never saw Fall until I moved here from Florida at 20....
Winter Joke: Little dirty
Barbie's Christmas Beau
A young woman is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" She replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at her for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," she said . "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
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SarahTTime ... space ... joySouth Coast, UKVeteran
A policeman found me drunk in the gutter last night.
Wot's all this stuff about ungodly Cold doing on a Jokes thread? Temps down into the minus 40s and 50s are simply NOT funny! Neither are the heating bills.
In world's scientist Organization meeting.
The all main scientist from every country were gathered,after finishing meeting.
The scientist from India,China and USA came together to have conversation.
suddenly Chinese scientist started ranting that they had televisions before 400 yrs.
so both scientist from India and USA asked with jealous,"How can you prove this?"
Chinese scientist invites both of them to china,they start digging soil after 50 feet inside they found cable of TV set and antenna.and they agree with Chinese.
Then scientist of USA says,we also had telephone before,to prove that they all go to USA and dig the soil and found telephone cable.
Now Indian scientist start feeling embraced that what should i tell about this.
He says both of them,"this is nothing we had several technologies before 500yrs ago which are now rediscovering again".
they all comes to India and start digging up soil,after 50 feet,they found nothing,after 100 feet they found nothing.and so on.After some time both of scientist from USA and china asked Indian scientist,"what happened!!".
Indian scientist replies,"India had wireless technology".
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
This one has been posted at NB before but there's plenty of newer people since then.
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1.If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2.If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
When it comes to jokes, some people just don't have a clue how to tell them.
2 Examples:
My sister. She just can't get the gist, poor thing. A couple of years back there was a riddle going around: "What do you think is the last touch they give the dolls at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?" Well, my sister says, in answer to her riddle, "They give them two testicles!" To which I had to respond, "Sis, I don't think you're telling that riddle right; it should be 'two test tickles.' " She just looks at me incredulously. Poor thing!
The other example is an old classic. At a certain penitentiary a new inmate is just in process of being checked in by an old veteran. Walking through the mess hall, they hear a certain number being shouted out. All present begin to laugh heartily. Another number is then exclaimed and this time a thunderous booming of laughter sounds out. The new inmate inquires from his new mentor what all this is about. The older inmate says, "You know, we only have 35 minutes allowed per group in which to eat and do all the setting up and such, and so we have catalogued all the really good jokes by number. Therefore, to save time we just call out the number of the joke, the men recall it, and we have a jolly good time."
"Well," says the new inmate, "I can do that, too!" So he calls out, "Number Thirty-Nine!"
The hall falls completely silent. The new inmate asks the veteran, "What happened? I thought you said they only catalogued the good jokes."
The veteran replies, "Well, some people just can't tell jokes."
Well, this is a great favorite of mine, especially having a few friends who go by the name, "Bubba." "Bubba" is a Southern/Southern Black corruption of "Brother." Probably most of you have heard this one, but for the sake of those who have not:
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." A lot of people on the plane cry out to him, "Hey, Bubba, how's it goin'?" But his boss just chalks that up to the cap and suspenders Bubba's wearing.
The minute they arrive at the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My neighbors are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
One does not easily joke about winter, I can remember when I was young. I would always feel sorry for the snowman that stood outside all alone watching me.... So whenever I saw a lonely snowman I'd make another one! But soon they would melt and yeah....
Winter is probably the best showcase of impermanence. Even the trees look depressed.
Also if I do not post anymore after tomorrow it will snow here but I made an apointment to buy a buddha statue, so that is gonna be a pain.
I'm not sure what your intention was there by making sure everyone knew the black guy in the joke....or your explanation of 'bubba'....but just to make sure there is enough reference to why this might be offensive or that it means a hell of alot more than you implied......I just wanna add....
FWIW....sometimes I think you poke with a hot stick on purpose....not sure why....but it helps keep me on my game. I really have to think/consider things when responding to you or not and how/why. so....it is what it is....
There was once a philosophy don who had had little social life. One day he had to attend a conference and wondered what would happen if he was expected to talk to a woman.
He asked a friend what he should do.
‘No problem,’ said the friend. ‘Women are interested in two things: families and dieting. Mention one or the other and you can have a reasonable conversation.’
So the academic went to the conference and, when the time came when he found himself obliged to talk to a woman, he felt adequately prepared.
‘How is your brother?’ he asked, sure that the family aspect was bound to start the conversation correctly.
The woman looked at him oddly. ‘I haven’t got a brother,’ she said.
‘Well,’ thought the scholar, ‘there is still the second subject.’ He asked, ‘What
do you think of turnips?’
The woman said, edging away from him, ‘I do not like them at all.’
The don was not a man of the brain for nothing, and he was now sure that, with
his philosophical training, he could initiate a really good conversation on the basis of what had gone before.
‘Tell me,’ he enquired, ‘If you did have a brother, would you like turnips?’
Sorry, at Lobster, that joke reminded me too much of Benedict Cumberbatch's character in a movie I saw today: The Imitation Game: Alan [sp] Turing. Interesting, yes; funny, NO!
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silverIn the beginning there was nothing, and then it exploded.USA, Left coast.Veteran
Hey @lobster man, you're getting opinions from all angles: I thought it was sorta lame!
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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Nasrudin was traveling by train to a neighboring village. The conductor came to Nasrudin and asked for his ticket. Nasrudin began to search all his pockets for his tickets. When he couldn't find it, he began looking through his luggage. Then he frantically began looking in everyone else's luggage.
At that point the Conductor got impatient and said "Nasrudin, you always keep your ticket in the top left pocket of your jacket. Why don't you look there?"
Nasudin stopped his frantic search and said to the conductor "I can't look there. If it's not there, then I have no hope".
A joke for us old timers who remember the world before personal computers (and for little kids, too):
This guy (named Guy) walks up to a librarian and orders a hamburger, some fries, and a Coke.
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a Library!"
To which Guy responds, now in a whisper, "I'm so sorry. I want a hamburger, fries, and a Coke."
Joke's on you, winter! Yay impermanence!The swans and loons are back, the frogs are out, the ice is gone and everything (including my allergies) is in bloom. See you again for your rebirth in about 6 months.
The buddhist monk approached a hotdog food truck. What did he ask for?
.
.
.
- Make me one with everything.
0
DavidA human residing in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Ancestral territory of the Erie, Haudenosaunee, Huron-Wendat, Mississauga and Neutral First NationsVeteran
Two drunks walked into a bar... Hurt themselves quite badly.
Comments
-35F windchills are typical for us, we actually get actual (non-windchill) temps down into the -40s and sometimes even the -50s. Though that is pretty rare. @Tosh I live in northeast Minnesota, about 10 miles from the Canadian border. Last winter we spent more days below zero than above, including several weeks in a row where we never got above zero during the day at all. It was a miserable winter! This December has been mostly mild, we have had rain 2 weekends in a row and are on the verge of an almost not-white Christmas which is unheard of.
Yikes! That's alot of snow! I never saw Fall until I moved here from Florida at 20....
Winter Joke: Little dirty
Barbie's Christmas Beau
A young woman is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" She replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at her for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," she said . "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
A policeman found me drunk in the gutter last night.
He said, "What are you doing down there?"
I said, " I'm on the staff Christmas party."
He said, "Why are you on your own?"
I said, "I'm self-employed."
Wot's all this stuff about ungodly Cold doing on a Jokes thread? Temps down into the minus 40s and 50s are simply NOT funny! Neither are the heating bills.
Science Joke
In world's scientist Organization meeting.
The all main scientist from every country were gathered,after finishing meeting.
The scientist from India,China and USA came together to have conversation.
suddenly Chinese scientist started ranting that they had televisions before 400 yrs.
so both scientist from India and USA asked with jealous,"How can you prove this?"
Chinese scientist invites both of them to china,they start digging soil after 50 feet inside they found cable of TV set and antenna.and they agree with Chinese.
Then scientist of USA says,we also had telephone before,to prove that they all go to USA and dig the soil and found telephone cable.
Now Indian scientist start feeling embraced that what should i tell about this.
He says both of them,"this is nothing we had several technologies before 500yrs ago which are now rediscovering again".
they all comes to India and start digging up soil,after 50 feet,they found nothing,after 100 feet they found nothing.and so on.After some time both of scientist from USA and china asked Indian scientist,"what happened!!".
Indian scientist replies,"India had wireless technology".
@rohit - that was dreadful.
This one has been posted at NB before but there's plenty of newer people since then.
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1.If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2.If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
When it comes to jokes, some people just don't have a clue how to tell them.
2 Examples:
My sister. She just can't get the gist, poor thing. A couple of years back there was a riddle going around: "What do you think is the last touch they give the dolls at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory?" Well, my sister says, in answer to her riddle, "They give them two testicles!" To which I had to respond, "Sis, I don't think you're telling that riddle right; it should be 'two test tickles.' " She just looks at me incredulously. Poor thing!
The other example is an old classic. At a certain penitentiary a new inmate is just in process of being checked in by an old veteran. Walking through the mess hall, they hear a certain number being shouted out. All present begin to laugh heartily. Another number is then exclaimed and this time a thunderous booming of laughter sounds out. The new inmate inquires from his new mentor what all this is about. The older inmate says, "You know, we only have 35 minutes allowed per group in which to eat and do all the setting up and such, and so we have catalogued all the really good jokes by number. Therefore, to save time we just call out the number of the joke, the men recall it, and we have a jolly good time."
"Well," says the new inmate, "I can do that, too!" So he calls out, "Number Thirty-Nine!"
The hall falls completely silent. The new inmate asks the veteran, "What happened? I thought you said they only catalogued the good jokes."
The veteran replies, "Well, some people just can't tell jokes."
^^^ I have always loved that cartoon!!! hahahaha
OMG @Shoshin I almost peed on myself laughing at the cartoon.
That used to be my banner on FB.... Of course, I have grown much more mature since then....
he ain't de only wonnn.....
LOL
Boo! Inner childishness is quite essential:
Well, this is a great favorite of mine, especially having a few friends who go by the name, "Bubba." "Bubba" is a Southern/Southern Black corruption of "Brother." Probably most of you have heard this one, but for the sake of those who have not:
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss calls his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." A lot of people on the plane cry out to him, "Hey, Bubba, how's it goin'?" But his boss just chalks that up to the cap and suspenders Bubba's wearing.
The minute they arrive at the White House, Obama spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My neighbors are from Argentina, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Next Installment: HHDL
One does not easily joke about winter, I can remember when I was young. I would always feel sorry for the snowman that stood outside all alone watching me.... So whenever I saw a lonely snowman I'd make another one! But soon they would melt and yeah....
Winter is probably the best showcase of impermanence. Even the trees look depressed.
Also if I do not post anymore after tomorrow it will snow here but I made an apointment to buy a buddha statue, so that is gonna be a pain.
I'm not sure what your intention was there by making sure everyone knew the black guy in the joke....or your explanation of 'bubba'....but just to make sure there is enough reference to why this might be offensive or that it means a hell of alot more than you implied......I just wanna add....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bubba
FWIW....sometimes I think you poke with a hot stick on purpose....not sure why....but it helps keep me on my game. I really have to think/consider things when responding to you or not and how/why. so....it is what it is....
@NIrvana
You know, I began reading and thought to myself...."I'm a bit offended by this.... I'm sure others will be too...."
I'm leaving it up as an indication of why, sometimes, even if we mean well, our speech is just plain goddamn unskilful....
Bubba was black? There is nothing in the joke that implies he was black. There are lots of white Bubbas in the US.
@Vastmind > @federica said:
This movie is to blame!
I think we can leave the subject now, ok?
.....
^ (smile) SWEET!
@Shoshin That made me think if Napoleon Dynamite getting into meditation. "I'm so freakin' enlightened, sweet!"
A physicist saw a young man about to leap from a skyscraper. He yelled, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
http://www.lightwinnipeg.org/Spiritual%20Writings/The%20Humour%20and%20Wisdom%20of%20Mulla%20Nasrudin.pdf
^^^ lol's not enough for that one. Definitely rofl
Sorry, at Lobster, that joke reminded me too much of Benedict Cumberbatch's character in a movie I saw today: The Imitation Game: Alan [sp] Turing. Interesting, yes; funny, NO!
Hey @lobster man, you're getting opinions from all angles: I thought it was sorta lame!
I thought it was cerebrally hilarious!
The joke belongs to a form of multi levelled and reflective humour mostly associated with Sufism
http://www.nonduality.com/hl1579.htm
Hope…
Nasrudin was traveling by train to a neighboring village. The conductor came to Nasrudin and asked for his ticket. Nasrudin began to search all his pockets for his tickets. When he couldn't find it, he began looking through his luggage. Then he frantically began looking in everyone else's luggage.
At that point the Conductor got impatient and said "Nasrudin, you always keep your ticket in the top left pocket of your jacket. Why don't you look there?"
Nasudin stopped his frantic search and said to the conductor "I can't look there. If it's not there, then I have no hope".
Don't wear headphones and listen to music while you hoover. I've just hoovered the whole house and realised I hadn't plugged it in.
@Tosh, that is just too funny.... Could one venture to ask wtf were you listening to, that was loud enough to drown out a vacuum cleaner - ?!
>
Ah! That explains my reaction. :smirk:
A joke for us old timers who remember the world before personal computers (and for little kids, too):
This guy (named Guy) walks up to a librarian and orders a hamburger, some fries, and a Coke.
The librarian says, "Sir, this is a Library!"
To which Guy responds, now in a whisper, "I'm so sorry. I want a hamburger, fries, and a Coke."
Joke's on you, winter! Yay impermanence!The swans and loons are back, the frogs are out, the ice is gone and everything (including my allergies) is in bloom. See you again for your rebirth in about 6 months.
The buddhist monk approached a hotdog food truck. What did he ask for?
.
.
.
- Make me one with everything.
Oh, wrong thread.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
You see, this is the problem with Kamma; unless you create a different ending, you are destined to hear the same joke, again, and again, and again....
Can anyone find or invent a new and amusing twist to this....?
(And not the "What about my change?" "Change comes from within" one....)