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federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2020
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen again... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me try another way... If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. So if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Oh for god's sake, Johnny! why in the heck do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a bloody cat!"
5
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Teenager 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Teenager 2: "Yeah, Well... I was a virgin - until last night ."
T. 1: "Hah! As if!"
T. 2: "Yeah? Just ask your sister."
T. 1: "What..? I don't have a sister."
T. 2: ".....You will in about nine months...!"
(let that sink in.....)
3
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
An American couple were visiting the UK, driving through Scotland. As they approached Ballachulish*, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, at which point they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Maaac-Donnn-aaaalddds."
(*It's pronounced Ball-a-hoo-lish.)
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
I find myself up in the middle of the night working on a software production problem and remembered a joke for us computer nerds:
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer comes home with 12 gallons of milk.
a good programmer looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
JeroenLuminous beings are we, not this crude matterNetherlandsVeteran
A farmer was standing across from his three sons. “Now which of you boys pushed the outhouse into the creek last night?” Silence greeted his words. The farmer went on to remind his boys of the story of George Washington, who had chopped down a cherry tree, and whose father had been so proud of him for telling the truth. On hearing this, the youngest son stepped forward and confessed. The farmer picked up a switch and prepared to administer a sound thrashing. “But dad, what about George Washington?” The father replied, “well son, George Washington’s father was not sitting in the cherry tree when he chopped it down.”
@Bunks, I don't think @federica was being offensive or making fun of those with Asperger's ...This is interesting...and I think this is where @federica was coming from with her post...
@Shoshin said: @Bunks, I don't think @federica was being offensive or making fun of those with Asperger's ...This is interesting...and I think this is where @federica was coming from with her post...
Thanks @Shoshin - I don’t expect @federica intended it that way either.
It’s just because it’s posted under “funny stuff” it came across as if to be mocking people with Aspergers. And it was also posted without any context.
I will laugh at taboo subjects, politically incorrect humour, the three jewels but never at myself ... oh wait ... especially myself ...
Offensive humour is about intent. It has an element of harming other. In that sense it is emotionally retarded/ignorant ...
Today I found out that birds don't have a sense of humour. They don't like to be laughed at. Humour is modified aggression. A very skilful human response to generate peace ...
However birds respond well to smiling/metta ...
... and now back to other funny stuff ...
Drive safely.
I said to a girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud." Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded." What fun that was...
@federica said:
Someone once wisely told me to treat other drivers as if they all have Asperger's....
What's that supposed to mean fede?
To be honest with you, as a parent of a child with Asperger's, I find that quite offensive.
I unreservedly apologise if I inadvertently caused offence. @Bunks ,you know I would never say anything deliberately hurtful or insulting.
What I meant was: Realise that every single driver out there is capable of either predictable or unexpected spontaneous manoeuvres that nobody could possibly be prepared for. In other words, be alert and use your mirrors, because you need eyes everywhere, not only in the back of your head. Not every driver is fully concentrated on the task in hand...
This is particularly true when trying to negotiate the London Orbital, infamous M25. Full of Sunday drivers every day of the week.
My heart goes out to you: my youngest daughter is on the Asperger's spectrum.
That’s fine @federica - I am just being a protective parent.
Unfortunately kids on the spectrum are prone to being bullied and I’ve seen my daughter treated that way which breaks my heart. I’m just a bit sensitive about it is all.
It’s all good mate ❤️
3
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Glad to hear it. I would hate to think I had jammed a full pair of size 12's in my mouth, irreparably..
1
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
edited May 2020
@Walker said:
The way I heard it was something like 'Drive as if every other driver is trying to kill you'
The M25 sounds an awful lot like Anthony Henday Drive. What is it with orbitals/beltways/ring roads?
They are built to deal with the needs at the time of the proposed build. By the time they are 'open fo business', those needs have escalated exponentially, thereby making the entire idea woefully inadequate. In other words, they took their eyes off the road... (Did you see what I did, there.. ? )
Well it seems I have a problem... I was initially offended by this, because someone who obviously misheard and might well have a hearing problem, has been called an idiot... Hmmm.. I should watch how I react, to such unintentional insults....
During lock down at BSWA, supporters were encouraged to drop offerings at the front gate and Ajahn Brahm would come out and give blessings before they drive home.
Apparently he called it “Monk” Donalds drive thru!!
Hehe
5
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
5
personDon't believe everything you thinkThe liminal spaceVeteran
edited June 2020
...and of course, moderates. We get it every which way. 😀
Comments
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen again... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me try another way... If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. So if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Oh for god's sake, Johnny! why in the heck do you keep saying seven?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a bloody cat!"
Teenager 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Teenager 2: "Yeah, Well... I was a virgin - until last night ."
T. 1: "Hah! As if!"
T. 2: "Yeah? Just ask your sister."
T. 1: "What..? I don't have a sister."
T. 2: ".....You will in about nine months...!"
(let that sink in.....)
An American couple were visiting the UK, driving through Scotland. As they approached Ballachulish*, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, at which point they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Maaac-Donnn-aaaalddds."
(*It's pronounced Ball-a-hoo-lish.)
My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god.
I had to explain to him that Ho-Tei is not Greek.
"...tell him about the rocks?"
....... what...?😳🤨
I find myself up in the middle of the night working on a software production problem and remembered a joke for us computer nerds:
A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer comes home with 12 gallons of milk.
@Gui... that would SO be my ex-H!!
Q. How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Thursday
These are scam monks, selling trinkets for 'voluntary' donations ... and keeping the cash ...
Just so people know ... and now back to the jokes ...
Scamonk? loads of hair; dead give-away. Carrying a shopping list? Must have money somewhere... The Hand Mudra is another....
Perhaps it's a case of ...Charity begins at home...
A farmer was standing across from his three sons. “Now which of you boys pushed the outhouse into the creek last night?” Silence greeted his words. The farmer went on to remind his boys of the story of George Washington, who had chopped down a cherry tree, and whose father had been so proud of him for telling the truth. On hearing this, the youngest son stepped forward and confessed. The farmer picked up a switch and prepared to administer a sound thrashing. “But dad, what about George Washington?” The father replied, “well son, George Washington’s father was not sitting in the cherry tree when he chopped it down.”
— Osho
That's my motto...
Someone once wisely told me to treat other drivers as if they all have Asperger's....
i appreciate that! being forgiven.there is hope.some ladies love idiot funny.it's an art.
What's that supposed to mean fede?
To be honest with you, as a parent of a child with Asperger's, I find that quite offensive.
@Bunks, I don't think @federica was being offensive or making fun of those with Asperger's ...This is interesting...and I think this is where @federica was coming from with her post...
Thanks @Shoshin - I don’t expect @federica intended it that way either.
It’s just because it’s posted under “funny stuff” it came across as if to be mocking people with Aspergers. And it was also posted without any context.
@Bunks, I have a very dark sense of humour.
I will laugh at taboo subjects, politically incorrect humour, the three jewels but never at myself ... oh wait ... especially myself ...
Offensive humour is about intent. It has an element of harming other. In that sense it is emotionally retarded/ignorant ...
Today I found out that birds don't have a sense of humour. They don't like to be laughed at. Humour is modified aggression. A very skilful human response to generate peace ...
However birds respond well to smiling/metta ...
... and now back to other funny stuff ...
Drive safely.
I said to a girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud." Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded." What fun that was...
Which reminds me of this one...
I unreservedly apologise if I inadvertently caused offence. @Bunks ,you know I would never say anything deliberately hurtful or insulting.
What I meant was: Realise that every single driver out there is capable of either predictable or unexpected spontaneous manoeuvres that nobody could possibly be prepared for. In other words, be alert and use your mirrors, because you need eyes everywhere, not only in the back of your head. Not every driver is fully concentrated on the task in hand...
This is particularly true when trying to negotiate the London Orbital, infamous M25. Full of Sunday drivers every day of the week.
My heart goes out to you: my youngest daughter is on the Asperger's spectrum.
The way I heard it was something like 'Drive as if every other driver is trying to kill you'
The M25 sounds an awful lot like Anthony Henday Drive. What is it with orbitals/beltways/ring roads?
That’s fine @federica - I am just being a protective parent.
Unfortunately kids on the spectrum are prone to being bullied and I’ve seen my daughter treated that way which breaks my heart. I’m just a bit sensitive about it is all.
It’s all good mate ❤️
Glad to hear it. I would hate to think I had jammed a full pair of size 12's in my mouth, irreparably..
They are built to deal with the needs at the time of the proposed build. By the time they are 'open fo business', those needs have escalated exponentially, thereby making the entire idea woefully inadequate. In other words, they took their eyes off the road... (Did you see what I did, there.. ?
)
Ba-dum, tch!
Meanwhile this picture of a farm in Nevada
Well it seems I have a problem... I was initially offended by this, because someone who obviously misheard and might well have a hearing problem, has been called an idiot... Hmmm.. I should watch how I react, to such unintentional insults....
During lock down at BSWA, supporters were encouraged to drop offerings at the front gate and Ajahn Brahm would come out and give blessings before they drive home.
Apparently he called it “Monk” Donalds drive thru!!
Hehe
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
...and of course, moderates. We get it every which way. 😀
I want to hit insightful too, @person
And now for something completely different:
What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
With a bull, the horns are up front and the asshole is in the back.
(My Dad was a conductor...)