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"Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
"A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
I like your Dad
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DavidJust another unique aspect of the same old thangThe Hammer in Ontario, Canada, ehVeteran
edited October 2020
Oh sorry. There was a fairly tasteless joke in there.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog – we laughed a lot.
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
^^ you will never find better experts than those who pontificate on Facebook. They might never have studied it at university, they might never have been employed as a {Insert profession here} and they might never have had any 1st person encounter with the subject matter, but trust me, they know everything there is to know about it, don't you Karen?
There was a time when I knew all the answers.
If there were any answers I did not know, I knew exactly where to get them,
I was lord supreme over my domain.
All that came crashing down two seconds after I entered kindergarten.
Every moment is priceless
Every friend a treasure
Every breath a gift.
Be kind and celebrate each life - including your own
Funny things come out of crackerjacks boxes....
2
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
4
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
News has been coming out of Mexico that after the events of January 6th here in the US, they are now willing to pay for a wall... Canada wants one too.
3
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
One morning mad Melvin, loony Larry and crazy Carl decided to escape the Sunnyvale insane asylum. Happy as larks, the three head off into town and come upon the construction site of a huge skyscraper. They look around curiously when a man wearing a hard hat walks up to them. Hey you guys, says Klopsky, the job foreman, get back to work! Finish digging that trench. The three loonies smile and nod in unison, turn around and start working on the trench. A couple of hours later Klopsky comes back and is shocked to discover Mad Melvin digging furiously while the other two stand around holding their shovels in the air. What the hell are you doing, screams Klopsky at Loony Larry and Crazy Carl. We are streetlights, replies Loony Larry. Nuts, shouts Klopsky, you are fired, he says to the two. No, not you, he says to Melvin, you are digging well. Continue on. What, in such darkness? Says Melvin.
Comments
Would of had something funny, but Trump took all the air out of my balloon. Said he needed it for another of his wonder drugs.
(would have...) 🤭
I like your Dad
Oh sorry. There was a fairly tasteless joke in there.
Now I have 4 hours to find something better.
Ok, here's a little Mitch.
You couldn't have told that joke a few years ago... funny how times change with the things...
I thought this headline was funny!
https://tinyurl.com/y25awysa
^^ you will never find better experts than those who pontificate on Facebook. They might never have studied it at university, they might never have been employed as a {Insert profession here} and they might never have had any 1st person encounter with the subject matter, but trust me, they know everything there is to know about it, don't you Karen?
There was a time when I knew all the answers.
If there were any answers I did not know, I knew exactly where to get them,
I was lord supreme over my domain.
All that came crashing down two seconds after I entered kindergarten.
Every moment is priceless
Every friend a treasure
Every breath a gift.
Be kind and celebrate each life - including your own
Funny things come out of crackerjacks boxes....
News has been coming out of Mexico that after the events of January 6th here in the US, they are now willing to pay for a wall... Canada wants one too.
This guy really made me laugh. Only towards the end did I realise this was his job.
One morning mad Melvin, loony Larry and crazy Carl decided to escape the Sunnyvale insane asylum. Happy as larks, the three head off into town and come upon the construction site of a huge skyscraper. They look around curiously when a man wearing a hard hat walks up to them. Hey you guys, says Klopsky, the job foreman, get back to work! Finish digging that trench. The three loonies smile and nod in unison, turn around and start working on the trench. A couple of hours later Klopsky comes back and is shocked to discover Mad Melvin digging furiously while the other two stand around holding their shovels in the air. What the hell are you doing, screams Klopsky at Loony Larry and Crazy Carl. We are streetlights, replies Loony Larry. Nuts, shouts Klopsky, you are fired, he says to the two. No, not you, he says to Melvin, you are digging well. Continue on. What, in such darkness? Says Melvin.