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"Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'”
"A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'"
"Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'"
I like your Dad
1
DavidA human residing in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Ancestral territory of the Erie, Haudenosaunee, Huron-Wendat, Mississauga and Neutral First NationsVeteran
edited October 2020
Oh sorry. There was a fairly tasteless joke in there.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because the chicken behind it didn’t know how to socially distance properly.
Who’s idea was it to sing “Happy Birthday” while washing your hands? Now every time I go to the bathroom, my kids expect me to walk out with a cake.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day. But look at me now, ma! I’m saving the world!
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog – we laughed a lot.
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
4
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
^^ you will never find better experts than those who pontificate on Facebook. They might never have studied it at university, they might never have been employed as a {Insert profession here} and they might never have had any 1st person encounter with the subject matter, but trust me, they know everything there is to know about it, don't you Karen?
There was a time when I knew all the answers.
If there were any answers I did not know, I knew exactly where to get them,
I was lord supreme over my domain.
All that came crashing down two seconds after I entered kindergarten.
Every moment is priceless
Every friend a treasure
Every breath a gift.
Be kind and celebrate each life - including your own
Funny things come out of crackerjacks boxes....
3
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
4
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
News has been coming out of Mexico that after the events of January 6th here in the US, they are now willing to pay for a wall... Canada wants one too.
3
personDon't believe everything you thinkthe liminal spaceVeteran
One morning mad Melvin, loony Larry and crazy Carl decided to escape the Sunnyvale insane asylum. Happy as larks, the three head off into town and come upon the construction site of a huge skyscraper. They look around curiously when a man wearing a hard hat walks up to them. Hey you guys, says Klopsky, the job foreman, get back to work! Finish digging that trench. The three loonies smile and nod in unison, turn around and start working on the trench. A couple of hours later Klopsky comes back and is shocked to discover Mad Melvin digging furiously while the other two stand around holding their shovels in the air. What the hell are you doing, screams Klopsky at Loony Larry and Crazy Carl. We are streetlights, replies Loony Larry. Nuts, shouts Klopsky, you are fired, he says to the two. No, not you, he says to Melvin, you are digging well. Continue on. What, in such darkness? Says Melvin.
My mother who has Alzheimer's moving into dementia, today exercised doing qiong. She thought she had finished after three out breaths, the first 30 seconds ...
Eventually after much coaxing she managed about 7 minutes - totally exhausted her.
To show what a really exhausting routine was actually like put the below video on ...
To my utter amazement she immediately revived, got up and managed to do 2 minutes. I could not stop laughing.
Maybe she thought he was the prize if she finished the routine ... ?
This morning I awoke to the sound of someone, or something, rustling around on my back porch. I leaped out of bed, hopping into my clothes as best as I could - at least enough to make it legal to exit the apartment - and opened the back door to see someone making off with my pots and planters that were setting out there waiting for Spring. Her get-a-way vehicle was a walker, so I had time to put on shoes.
Anywho - I caught up to her and she turned to see who was there and I caught the look of dementia in her eyes, which instantly changed my burgeoning plan to confront her and take them back. Instead, I offered to carry them for her - an offer she delightedly accepted. I figured this might be a non-confrontational way of discovering where my planters were going to be so I could 'steal' them back later.
Fortunately, when we got to her apartment, she told me that I could leave them on her porch. I asked if she was worried about thieves making off with them, which I immediately regretted thinking she might change her mind and put them inside, but nope! She replied, "Well, I suppose if someone steals them, they just needed them more than I do" before heading inside.
I decided perhaps she was right - so I 'stole' some of them back - and left the rest for her. Perhaps not a standard joke for this thread, but I've been chuckling most of the day thinking of the whole exchange and thought to pass it on.
That’s a very funny story @yagr I also live with aging relatives and provide them with my assistance from time to time, we all do the best we can to help eachother.
I was worried about you and thought you might have died. Good to hear your adventures ...
~scratches head pensively~
If I had died, that would have been an opportune time to stop worrying about me. Nevertheless, your sentiment brought a smile to my face, improved my already pretty darn good mood, and likely changed the way I interacted with people in my path in a positive way. Who knew that concern for others was a superpower? Sending love.
One of the new sights in this area that I've moved to has been a senior citizen bus line run by an outfit called Sustainable Housing for Active Seniors. So we have these buses running around that with their nickname plastered on the bus with their motto prominently displayed underneath: SHAG where your friends are.
For those of you on the other side of the pond...it would be impossible to shag somewhere without at least one friend around, would it?
federicaSeeker of the clear blue sky...Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubtModerator
Actually, popping to the local shop for some necessary provisions 4 of our immediate neighbours were gathered together (S.D'ing appropriately) just chatting through their masks and passing the time of day.. it was nice to see. . They were still there upon my return, a quarter of an hour or so, later...
😊
Comments
Would of had something funny, but Trump took all the air out of my balloon. Said he needed it for another of his wonder drugs.
(would have...) 🤭
I like your Dad
Oh sorry. There was a fairly tasteless joke in there.
Now I have 4 hours to find something better.
Ok, here's a little Mitch.
You couldn't have told that joke a few years ago... funny how times change with the things...
I thought this headline was funny!
https://tinyurl.com/y25awysa
^^ you will never find better experts than those who pontificate on Facebook. They might never have studied it at university, they might never have been employed as a {Insert profession here} and they might never have had any 1st person encounter with the subject matter, but trust me, they know everything there is to know about it, don't you Karen?
There was a time when I knew all the answers.
If there were any answers I did not know, I knew exactly where to get them,
I was lord supreme over my domain.
All that came crashing down two seconds after I entered kindergarten.
Every moment is priceless
Every friend a treasure
Every breath a gift.
Be kind and celebrate each life - including your own
Funny things come out of crackerjacks boxes....
News has been coming out of Mexico that after the events of January 6th here in the US, they are now willing to pay for a wall... Canada wants one too.
This guy really made me laugh. Only towards the end did I realise this was his job.
One morning mad Melvin, loony Larry and crazy Carl decided to escape the Sunnyvale insane asylum. Happy as larks, the three head off into town and come upon the construction site of a huge skyscraper. They look around curiously when a man wearing a hard hat walks up to them. Hey you guys, says Klopsky, the job foreman, get back to work! Finish digging that trench. The three loonies smile and nod in unison, turn around and start working on the trench. A couple of hours later Klopsky comes back and is shocked to discover Mad Melvin digging furiously while the other two stand around holding their shovels in the air. What the hell are you doing, screams Klopsky at Loony Larry and Crazy Carl. We are streetlights, replies Loony Larry. Nuts, shouts Klopsky, you are fired, he says to the two. No, not you, he says to Melvin, you are digging well. Continue on. What, in such darkness? Says Melvin.
Mrs Pousfired.
They're safer and faster than intersections, and they don't interrupt the flow of traffic.
My mother who has Alzheimer's moving into dementia, today exercised doing qiong. She thought she had finished after three out breaths, the first 30 seconds ...
Eventually after much coaxing she managed about 7 minutes - totally exhausted her.
To show what a really exhausting routine was actually like put the below video on ...
To my utter amazement she immediately revived, got up and managed to do 2 minutes. I could not stop laughing.
Maybe she thought he was the prize if she finished the routine ... ?
This morning I awoke to the sound of someone, or something, rustling around on my back porch. I leaped out of bed, hopping into my clothes as best as I could - at least enough to make it legal to exit the apartment - and opened the back door to see someone making off with my pots and planters that were setting out there waiting for Spring. Her get-a-way vehicle was a walker, so I had time to put on shoes.
Anywho - I caught up to her and she turned to see who was there and I caught the look of dementia in her eyes, which instantly changed my burgeoning plan to confront her and take them back. Instead, I offered to carry them for her - an offer she delightedly accepted. I figured this might be a non-confrontational way of discovering where my planters were going to be so I could 'steal' them back later.
Fortunately, when we got to her apartment, she told me that I could leave them on her porch. I asked if she was worried about thieves making off with them, which I immediately regretted thinking she might change her mind and put them inside, but nope! She replied, "Well, I suppose if someone steals them, they just needed them more than I do" before heading inside.
I decided perhaps she was right - so I 'stole' some of them back - and left the rest for her. Perhaps not a standard joke for this thread, but I've been chuckling most of the day thinking of the whole exchange and thought to pass it on.
@yagr - was that a serious story? Haha! Crazy stuff...
@yagr wow nice assessing the situation and not over reacting angrily or the like
I am shielding one person who is moving into dementia.
Thanks for looking after that woman and providing her with your gardening services ...
I was worried about you and thought you might have died. Good to hear your adventures ...
That’s a very funny story @yagr I also live with aging relatives and provide them with my assistance from time to time, we all do the best we can to help eachother.
~scratches head pensively~
If I had died, that would have been an opportune time to stop worrying about me.
Nevertheless, your sentiment brought a smile to my face, improved my already pretty darn good mood, and likely changed the way I interacted with people in my path in a positive way. Who knew that concern for others was a superpower? Sending love.
One of the new sights in this area that I've moved to has been a senior citizen bus line run by an outfit called Sustainable Housing for Active Seniors. So we have these buses running around that with their nickname plastered on the bus with their motto prominently displayed underneath: SHAG where your friends are.
For those of you on the other side of the pond...it would be impossible to shag somewhere without at least one friend around, would it?
In what pond does Seniors start with G?
Here... Grandad, Grandma...
Sustainable Housing for Ageless Generation SHAG
Actually, popping to the local shop for some necessary provisions 4 of our immediate neighbours were gathered together (S.D'ing appropriately) just chatting through their masks and passing the time of day.. it was nice to see. . They were still there upon my return, a quarter of an hour or so, later...
😊